"The One"

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and the other day we were just talking about the first time we met; just reminiscing about our relationship on our anniversary. I told him I'd never been happier in my entire life and I knew that I had found the one and that I just wanted to be with him. He then responded by telling me that he's sorry I came to that conclusion but he's not sure if any two people are meant to stay together forever, and although he sees a future for us, he can't ever guarantee forever. I see this as completely pessimistic. I was extremely upset and I really did think we were on the same page with our relationship. I told him that I always dreamed of this love where the guy always is so confident in his girlfriend and in the love he has for her and that I could never see myself not making that kind of commitment to someone. It might sound terrible and I know a lot of people think the idea of marriage is old fashioned, but I dream of having that one day and I'm not willing to compromise that. I made it clear I'm not looking for some kind of proposal, I'm still trying to finish school at the moment. He is older than me by 8 years, is completely finished school with a Master's degree, and I feel like it's that time in his life where he should be making connections to settle down. We did get into a big argument about it and I told him I didn't think I could be with someone who didn't know if he could promise someone forever. He was very upset claiming he didn't want us to break up at all over it. I'm torn, I really don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to put more years into a relationship that isn't going to form into what I'm looking for.

It's a tough call, some may argue that one year isn't long enough to directly or indirectly pressure somebody into promising forever. Perhaps he truly does love you but the thought of forever scares him. If you're sitting there with big hopeful eyes, hanging on his every word... he likely feels enormous pressure, and that's why he came clean about his sliver of hesitancy.

Think about it this way... how do you know this relationship isn't going to develop into what you're looking for? His word isn't definitive and also, he sounds like an honest guy .. because many guys would promise forever so that their girlfriend would stop bringing it up, he's voiced his true opinion because he wants to be truthful to you; that shows he loves/respects you in my opinion.

If your relationship is healthy and there's no issues beyond this anxiety you have, I don't think you should break up. He simply is being honest with you when he says he sees a future but can't guarantee forever... how can you truly guarantee forever? Nobody can predict the future and people change over time. He probably realizes this, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed if you both change.

I'm trying to spark some optimism within yourself, however at the end of the day it's up to you.

I guess the anxiety stems from me because it's not the response I thought I would hear. I only said it because I really did think he felt that way. But you are right I guess there is really no way of knowing and he does genuinely care for me. I guess I just don't know how to stop worrying and thinking about it and turning it into some big deal. I really just do not want to put years and years into this to be absolutely heartbroken.

He then responded by telling me that he's sorry I came to that conclusion but he's not sure if any two people are meant to stay together forever, and although he sees a future for us, he can't ever guarantee forever.

He sounds completely reasonable. If not terribly sentimental.

If you break up with him, you might never find out if he was truly the man for you... it could be a mistake to dump him.

If you stay with him, then at least in the end you'll know if he's "the one" for you... because you'll either be with him or not.

I feel like it's that time in his life where he should be making connections to settle down.

I think he is being honest and realistic. He could so easily tell you what you want to hear but is choosing not to. He is wise enough to know that most rships are a gamble and statistically many do not last forever.

It doesnt mean he doesnt love you but he just sees the ludicrousness of promising to be with someone for ever. You could fall out of Love with him......anything could happen.

Would you be happy if he said he would like it to last forever based on how he feels about you now, but with life being life, there are no guarantees.?

It sounds like a difference in philosophies is all. Doesn't sound terminal by any means.

I don't know if this will help but around a year into my current relationship, my Guy told me the whole "I don't believe in marriage" line. He was 35 at the time. I DID want to get married at some point. But I loved him (and knew he was crazy about me) and our relationship was great. So I stuck by him. 2.5 years in, now he constantly talks about "when we are married", lol. And, he has started to look for a house for us to buy together. So somewhere along the line, his tune changed (and no, it wasn't forced by me!)

I don't know if I would give up on your guy just yet...(But, like you, I'd be a bit upset at that comment...but I applaud his honesty)

I think it won't hurt to communicate with him and understand why he feels that way. It could be fear-based or value-based.

I'm not sure I agree with the others. I think that while he should be commended for his honesty (and he really should - he's not stringing you along and that's great), it sounds to me like he's got commitment issues. You've been together a year, so there's no reason he shouldn't be sure about you by now. While it's true that no one can predict the future, there are leaps of faith that we take in life, and one of those is choosing to assume/hope that we're going to be with the person we love forever - it's what leads us to invest in each other, to move in, get married, etc. If he's unable to do that after a year, I'm not sure he'll ever be able to. (Note: I'm talking solely about his willingness to emotionally invest in your future together; I'm NOT saying that he has to marry you tomorrow.)

If you're both very young, it's understandable that he may not be ready to start planning his future. But if you're both well into adulthood and he's still not sure of what he wants, then maybe it's time for you to do some thinking about what you really want/need from a relationship. There's a chance that, good guy or not, you want two different things...

Think about this a little more. Why do you get to say what he should be doing? There is no law that says you have to 'settle down' as if there is some sort of life template that everyone must follow.

I was struck by this sentence as well. He has his life, his agenda. That he isn't following your template is your issue, not his.

"We did get into a big argument about it and I told him I didn't think I could be with someone who didn't know if he could promise someone forever. He was very upset claiming he didn't want us to break up at all over it. I'm torn, I really don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to put more years into a relationship that isn't going to form into what I'm looking for."

I think that he is committed to you but thinking in terms of black and white. NO ONE can ever promise forever... things change, life changes, and that changes people.

Does he love and respect you? Does he care how you feel and treat you kindly? I think that those are the most important things. Making a promise that you can't possibly know if you can keep doesn't make or break a relationship. I hope that you two work it out.