My Boyfriend Needs Me To Obey...

I have been dating a man for over a year, and he has always been pretty controlling... not in a way that has put me in any harm, but its been obvious that he likes to be in charge. Only recently have we had a serious discussion about the fact that there is something he needs from me: Obedience. He told me that without a doubt he needs a wife who will be submisive and obey him in all things without question. He says that he will be the head of the household and I am to be his woman, in his corner at all times. Now before I continue, let me just say that this man is in no way a "douchebag" or an "*******"... he is very good to me, treats me very well and is successfull in his life. He is a sensible man who has a good heart.

I have always been a "people pleaser" and I love making my boyfriend happy, and even just those I love. I like to bring happiness to people I love. However, the fact that he is demanding this from me has me feeling a bit uncomfortable, and I'm not sure that I should be. The thing is, I trust him... I don't believe he would have me do anything that would cause me harm. I believe he will always treat me well and respect my feelings, just.. so long as I obey him. It's just that... I have always done things for men because I wanted to, because I want to make my man happy, and not because I was comanded to do so... not truly. I don't mind being told what to do in a way, but the fact this is a "do what I say and ask no questions" thing is... I dont know...

I understand that a man wants to feel like a leader in his home, like the man of the house. I'm fine with that, but I'm conflicted. I always thought that a relationship was a partnership... although I have always been submisive by nature. He told me that he would take care of me, always be there for me and I believe him... but it kind of makes me feel childish. I'm 23 years old, I'm a mother to a beautiful 3 year old and I am capable of taking care of myself... maybe not as well as he could, meaning he has a very good job and could support the both of us no problem, but well enough.

This is something he needs though, I know he loves me very much, but we would both be unhappy if he wasn't getting what he needed. It would cause turmoil and arguments and I don't want that. I want a happy home, but the fact that the happy home is a result of my obeying him just makes me feel weird. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It seems like such a good idea, with him anyways because I know he would do well by me and my daughter... but I just don't like the feeling of giving up complete control... well thats not entirely true, I sort of like it.. but only sometimes. when he actually gives me a command, I feel like telling him to go **** himself, but why?? just because he told me to do something I wouldnt actually even having a problem doing.. and I'm only bothered because it was an order of sorts.....

has anyone else experienced something like this? I'm just afraid that I wont be able to obey him in the end and that I will hurt my daughter in the process... if she got so attached and then it just didnt work because I couldnt obey.......

I'm just looking for some input, all opinions are welcome... I'd like to be able to discuss this and see what comes from it......

Sorry, this is going to be a little harsh but..

He sounds like a psychopath.

What mentally stable person wants another adult to "obey" them? That's pretty messed up. Relationships take an equal PARTNERSHIP, not one person ruling over the other. This isn't the 1800's. You shouldn't have to obey anyone. I would run as fast as you can from this creep. Please think of your child's well being.

I had a boyfriend almost just like that, but over time, he ended up being physically abusive. I never understood why some people 'need' other people to 'obey' them. Think of why dogs are a mans best friend, people can order them around, and they follow commands and don't mind it. People are different, you don't truly get a chance to be 'human' when you are obeying someone else... A healthy relationship is filled with ASKING someone to do something for you, because you share a mutual love, not commanding someone to do things for you. Have you asked him why he needs an obedient girl friend/ wife instead of a mutual loving relationship where the 'in charge' duties are shared?

@Natasha...

I know it sounds fckd up... but I know he's not a psychopath.. I don't know why he feels such a need to be in control but he does. He is a handsome, successfull, kind, intelligent man... I just feel conflicted. I know it's not the 1800's anymore and it seems ridiculous.. so one part of me says ***... and the other part of me says.. well every relationship I've had in "partnership" was full or arguments and ended. so that side of me says, well whats so wrong with it.. he's reasonable and sensible and loving.. why does it bother me when in the end I just want him to be happy... the only thing that could make me unhappy is that I need to obey.. but the things I'm actually obeying to do, I would do them anyways... but the fact that hes demanding it is... I dont know...

One side of me says this is ridiculous and the other side of me says why not....

@jinxi... I have asked him and he says I dont know I just do... He wants to be the man of the house. If we get married this is something he needs from me. He lost his father at a young age and I thought that maybe he felt a sense of lost control and now he craves it.. I'm not sure.

but the point is he needs it.. and I'm not sure if its right or wrong.. when he is so sensible and wouldnt ahve me do anything wrong, why is it so bad...

I'm sorry, but I don't see this ending well..

How would you ever be able to have a mind of your own, if he is in total control? What will happen if you don't obey him? Is he just going to get physical with you?

A healthy relationship takes two people to make it work. I understand sometimes you'll have to compromise to make each other happy. However, if one party has total control, it's not going to work.

I'm sorry, but you should have another talk with him, and if he doesn't budge, I suggest that you seriously consider your relationship, for the sake of you & your daughter's well being.

PS: I dont think he would ever be phsyically abusive. you never know, but I wouldnt even consider being with him if I thought he might... he's a reat guy, really a guy that all of my girls say they want... but my sacrafice is being submisive.

over the year I realized that sometimes I make decisions based on emotions and he's warned me it was a bad idea, and ended up being right. and I feel like I could avoid bad ideas based on emotions by doing this... but at the same time I'm essentially a child am I not? ....this is frustrating. I dont want to lose a good man, but I don't know if I can really Obey.

You've only been dating him for a year? This sounds like something that is going to get worse. You guys are still in the throws of new relationship energy what is going to happen when you settle in?

I think there is a major problem with what he wants. He doesn't want a partner. He doesn't want a wife or a girlfriend he wants someone he has compete control of. That screams of insecurity. He doesn't want to figure things out together. He doesn't want to problem solve. He doesn't want to learn anything from you he wants to tell you what to do and how to be. I don't think I could ever been in a relationship with someone who was so sure they were better then me. The power dynamic is all screwed up. Unless you are into 24/7 BDSM.

I would be careful. people act a certain way in dating and then flip a switch once ur married or serious. I had a good female friend who dated a guy like that, he was nice but over time it became him telling her what to wear, where to go who to see. Obedience isnt an "we discuss this but i make the final choice", its what we tell children or our dog. You are not a child or a dog

What if he says "no i dont want you to wear that dress." or tells you "no you cant see your friends/family today or tomorrow"

Being obedient isnt what a man should ask his woman. He should ask her to support and respect him. Be his partner, not his slave.

Please please i dont trust this.

I like my girl to be in my corner too. Fully supporting me, but i cant tell her what to wear or things like that.

If he is demanding obedience, then later he will be completely controlling you. That is a dangerous mindset.

What if you dont obey him then what? There is a possibility he will abuse you.

My in-laws have that type of relationship and my mother in law is NOT happy with a husband she is afraid of . No

I cant stress enough to you how bad that is. I cant....just please dont.

He may be nice now, but men like that, they change once they "own" you as they think. Im not judging, but ive known too many women in situations like that.

Mybro-in-laws wife. he tells her what to wear, when to put on makeup, when to clean, who she can and cant work with at work. And sheis ok with it now because they are newly weds, but it will get old.

My mother-in-law too.

My sisters were in relationships that started out like that, and lead to fear and violence. uckily they left. (my dad tried to kill one of their exs when he found out)

U need to be someone's partner,not be obedient to him. if you dont make a stand now, he will walk all over you and control your life.

Sorry if i sound scary, but its a classic pattern that ive seen far to many times. Far far far to many times.

This isn't about right or wrong. This is just about compatibility.

Can you accept this type of arrangement or not? Only you can answer that and that's all that matters here.

@JD... sound advice... what you say makes sense... but I'm still not covinced about what I should do... I wonder if I try it out for a while... but that would mean I get married, move in and have my daughter become his daughter.. its just a lot. I love him and I want him as a husband and for my daughter to have a good role model... but this price is... sketchy.

and as a punishment its not like some weird 50 shades of grey thing... we would just have a bad relaltionship because he would be unhappy and in turn I would be too.

what he wants from me as "commands" arent bad things or unreasonable.. but its just the fact thats its a command.

has anyone tried doing this? fail or success? I'd like to hear some stories if there are any..

@ Rose.. good point.. very good point

What do you think would happen if you had a dream of doing something with your life and he didnt want you to do it? Would you do it anyway and to hell with the consequences? Or would you let him take your dream and crush it?

@ JBE... youve given me something to think about, thank you. This just sucks... he's such a good person, just controlling. He doesnt want to tell me what to wear and all of that, he wants complete control. I just... I'm not a child anymore, but he's such a great guy otherwise. he's funny and nice and all the things I said I wanted... with a catch..

@ JBE... youve given me something to think about, thank you. This just sucks... he's such a good person, just controlling. He doesnt want to tell me what to wear and all of that, he wants complete control. I just... I'm not a child anymore, but he's such a great guy otherwise. he's funny and nice and all the things I said I wanted... with a catch..

What is he telling you to do?

@amipushy... thats one thing.. I wouldnt have my own life truly... my life would be his, to serve. in return he would give me what I want... as in things and a good man... we would travel and do things.. but I wouldnt work. He says why should I work when he makes so much money.

its so funny.. people would look at him and be like omg hes so sexy and funny and nice, I would do anything to be with him... and then I get him and I have to consider this catch...

@rose... nothing really, he does tell me if he doesnt like a certain outfit or hairstyle.. he's not rude about it but he says he likes when I look the way he wants me to look. Classy and sexy. I'm his throphy I guess. He doesn't tell me to rob a bank or do crazy things.. he wants me to be his lady.... his woman

I love him and I want him as a husband and for my daughter to have a good role model.

What kind of a role model will YOU be to your daughter if you obey someone regardless of what you want. Do you think he will want to control her in the future, stop her having friends, dictate her boyfriends, decide what college she goes to. This is a very dangerous path you're on, make wise decisions now for you and your child's future.

thats the issue I'm having, is that the things he wants I dont have a problem with... its the fact that that hes demanding it from it. like I said, I love to please, but I've always done so out of the goodness of my heart and not out of obedience... so.. its odd..

@rose... nothing really, he does tell me if he doesnt like a certain outfit or hairstyle.. he's not rude about it but he says he likes when I look the way he wants me to look. Classy and sexy. I'm his throphy I guess. He doesn't tell me to rob a bank or do crazy things.. he wants me to be his lady.... his woman

So he's looking to you as a "trophy". What's going to happen when you age, and you no longer have that youthful look? Is he going to demand something else? You have to look at everything ahead of time, and see how damaging this could be in the long run.

@amipushy... you're right. I wouldnt be a role model, I would be her mother who loves her and has given her the best "things" and a father who loves her also... but I feel he would be controlling with her also.. not like with me, but still.... that thought also makes me feel uncomfortable..

thats the issue I'm having, is that the things he wants I dont have a problem with... its the fact that that hes demanding it from it. like I said, I love to please, but I've always done so out of the goodness of my heart and not out of obedience... so.. its odd..

Its more than odd.

"my life would be his, to serve." is a form of slavery. What are you thinking of???

@JD.. well I'm not sure..... he's a good deal older than I am.. he's 39. so when I age, he would have aged also...

So what you are agreeing to do is to sign up to be his slave, right?

Because that is what he is asking, to be your master while you submit to his will and whatever he wants.

The second you give up freedom of choice and give that to someone else, you are enslaved. And given that your daughter is a child and female, she is enslaved to him too. What if he decides she should submit to him sexually because you are now older and wrinkled and she is young and firm and his property?

Really, this kind of thinking is very dangerous because he believe he owns you, owns your choices, your life, everything you are and do. That is be default slavery, where your goal is to serve him and his needs.

He is a HORRIBLE role model for your daughter if he is teaching her how to be a slave and to submit her will to a man just because he is a male and she is female.

there is nothing good about this... i hope you wise up and don't sign up for this.

@JD but I see your point