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Thread: My Boyfriend Needs Me To Obey...

  1. #1
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    My Boyfriend Needs Me To Obey...

    I have been dating a man for over a year, and he has always been pretty controlling... not in a way that has put me in any harm, but its been obvious that he likes to be in charge. Only recently have we had a serious discussion about the fact that there is something he needs from me: Obedience. He told me that without a doubt he needs a wife who will be submisive and obey him in all things without question. He says that he will be the head of the household and I am to be his woman, in his corner at all times. Now before I continue, let me just say that this man is in no way a "douchebag" or an "*******"... he is very good to me, treats me very well and is successfull in his life. He is a sensible man who has a good heart.

    I have always been a "people pleaser" and I love making my boyfriend happy, and even just those I love. I like to bring happiness to people I love. However, the fact that he is demanding this from me has me feeling a bit uncomfortable, and I'm not sure that I should be. The thing is, I trust him... I don't believe he would have me do anything that would cause me harm. I believe he will always treat me well and respect my feelings, just.. so long as I obey him. It's just that... I have always done things for men because I wanted to, because I want to make my man happy, and not because I was comanded to do so... not truly. I don't mind being told what to do in a way, but the fact this is a "do what I say and ask no questions" thing is... I dont know...

    I understand that a man wants to feel like a leader in his home, like the man of the house. I'm fine with that, but I'm conflicted. I always thought that a relationship was a partnership... although I have always been submisive by nature. He told me that he would take care of me, always be there for me and I believe him... but it kind of makes me feel childish. I'm 23 years old, I'm a mother to a beautiful 3 year old and I am capable of taking care of myself... maybe not as well as he could, meaning he has a very good job and could support the both of us no problem, but well enough.

    This is something he needs though, I know he loves me very much, but we would both be unhappy if he wasn't getting what he needed. It would cause turmoil and arguments and I don't want that. I want a happy home, but the fact that the happy home is a result of my obeying him just makes me feel weird. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It seems like such a good idea, with him anyways because I know he would do well by me and my daughter... but I just don't like the feeling of giving up complete control... well thats not entirely true, I sort of like it.. but only sometimes. when he actually gives me a command, I feel like telling him to go **** himself, but why?? just because he told me to do something I wouldnt actually even having a problem doing.. and I'm only bothered because it was an order of sorts.....

    has anyone else experienced something like this? I'm just afraid that I wont be able to obey him in the end and that I will hurt my daughter in the process... if she got so attached and then it just didnt work because I couldnt obey.......

    I'm just looking for some input, all opinions are welcome... I'd like to be able to discuss this and see what comes from it......

  2. #2
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    Sorry, this is going to be a little harsh but..

    He sounds like a psychopath.
    What mentally stable person wants another adult to "obey" them? That's pretty messed up. Relationships take an equal PARTNERSHIP, not one person ruling over the other. This isn't the 1800's. You shouldn't have to obey anyone. I would run as fast as you can from this creep. Please think of your child's well being.

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    Member Jinxi's Avatar
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    I had a boyfriend almost just like that, but over time, he ended up being physically abusive. I never understood why some people 'need' other people to 'obey' them. Think of why dogs are a mans best friend, people can order them around, and they follow commands and don't mind it. People are different, you don't truly get a chance to be 'human' when you are obeying someone else... A healthy relationship is filled with ASKING someone to do something for you, because you share a mutual love, not commanding someone to do things for you. Have you asked him why he needs an obedient girl friend/ wife instead of a mutual loving relationship where the 'in charge' duties are shared?

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    @Natasha...
    I know it sounds fckd up... but I know he's not a psychopath.. I don't know why he feels such a need to be in control but he does. He is a handsome, successfull, kind, intelligent man... I just feel conflicted. I know it's not the 1800's anymore and it seems ridiculous.. so one part of me says ***... and the other part of me says.. well every relationship I've had in "partnership" was full or arguments and ended. so that side of me says, well whats so wrong with it.. he's reasonable and sensible and loving.. why does it bother me when in the end I just want him to be happy... the only thing that could make me unhappy is that I need to obey.. but the things I'm actually obeying to do, I would do them anyways... but the fact that hes demanding it is... I dont know...

    One side of me says this is ridiculous and the other side of me says why not....

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    @jinxi... I have asked him and he says I dont know I just do... He wants to be the man of the house. If we get married this is something he needs from me. He lost his father at a young age and I thought that maybe he felt a sense of lost control and now he craves it.. I'm not sure.
    but the point is he needs it.. and I'm not sure if its right or wrong.. when he is so sensible and wouldnt ahve me do anything wrong, why is it so bad...

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, but I don't see this ending well..

    How would you ever be able to have a mind of your own, if he is in total control? What will happen if you don't obey him? Is he just going to get physical with you?

    A healthy relationship takes two people to make it work. I understand sometimes you'll have to compromise to make each other happy. However, if one party has total control, it's not going to work.

    I'm sorry, but you should have another talk with him, and if he doesn't budge, I suggest that you seriously consider your relationship, for the sake of you & your daughter's well being.

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    PS: I dont think he would ever be phsyically abusive. you never know, but I wouldnt even consider being with him if I thought he might... he's a reat guy, really a guy that all of my girls say they want... but my sacrafice is being submisive.
    over the year I realized that sometimes I make decisions based on emotions and he's warned me it was a bad idea, and ended up being right. and I feel like I could avoid bad ideas based on emotions by doing this... but at the same time I'm essentially a child am I not? ....this is frustrating. I dont want to lose a good man, but I don't know if I can really Obey.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    You've only been dating him for a year? This sounds like something that is going to get worse. You guys are still in the throws of new relationship energy what is going to happen when you settle in?

    I think there is a major problem with what he wants. He doesn't want a partner. He doesn't want a wife or a girlfriend he wants someone he has compete control of. That screams of insecurity. He doesn't want to figure things out together. He doesn't want to problem solve. He doesn't want to learn anything from you he wants to tell you what to do and how to be. I don't think I could ever been in a relationship with someone who was so sure they were better then me. The power dynamic is all screwed up. Unless you are into 24/7 BDSM.

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    I would be careful. people act a certain way in dating and then flip a switch once ur married or serious. I had a good female friend who dated a guy like that, he was nice but over time it became him telling her what to wear, where to go who to see. Obedience isnt an "we discuss this but i make the final choice", its what we tell children or our dog. You are not a child or a dog

    What if he says "no i dont want you to wear that dress." or tells you "no you cant see your friends/family today or tomorrow"

    Being obedient isnt what a man should ask his woman. He should ask her to support and respect him. Be his partner, not his slave.

    Please please i dont trust this.

    I like my girl to be in my corner too. Fully supporting me, but i cant tell her what to wear or things like that.

    If he is demanding obedience, then later he will be completely controlling you. That is a dangerous mindset.

    What if you dont obey him then what? There is a possibility he will abuse you.

    My in-laws have that type of relationship and my mother in law is NOT happy with a husband she is afraid of . No
    I cant stress enough to you how bad that is. I cant....just please dont.

    He may be nice now, but men like that, they change once they "own" you as they think. Im not judging, but ive known too many women in situations like that.
    Mybro-in-laws wife. he tells her what to wear, when to put on makeup, when to clean, who she can and cant work with at work. And sheis ok with it now because they are newly weds, but it will get old.
    My mother-in-law too.
    My sisters were in relationships that started out like that, and lead to fear and violence. uckily they left. (my dad tried to kill one of their exs when he found out)

    U need to be someone's partner,not be obedient to him. if you dont make a stand now, he will walk all over you and control your life.

    Sorry if i sound scary, but its a classic pattern that ive seen far to many times. Far far far to many times.
    Last edited by DrkRaven; 07-02-2012 at 01:50 PM. Reason: spelling errors

  11. #10
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    This isn't about right or wrong. This is just about compatibility.

    Can you accept this type of arrangement or not? Only you can answer that and that's all that matters here.

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