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Thread: Dating for 8 months and no "I love you"

  1. #1
    streetlove2012
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    Dating for 8 months and no "I love you"

    Hello all,
    I've posted on here before about my conflicts with a man that I've been dating. We are dating exclusively.
    Here I am again seeking some advice on what to do. I can honestly say that this relationship has been moving slowly and it has been a little rocky. I felt lost and confused early on and not sure if I still feel that way.

    A few days ago, we went to dinner and the conversation of "love" came up. I guess I initiated it by saying that "love" just doesn't happen over night and that in my opinion it usually takes a while to tell someone one that you love them. To make a long story short, he said something that really got me thinking.

    He mentioned that he was in a relationship for 3 years with a woman and he never told her that he loved her! What was so odd about this was that he told me that she got pregnant and they were going to keep the baby. I thought to myself. "He's going to have a baby with a woman that he didn't know if he loved or not?" She ended up having a miscarriage and they broke up shortly thereafter.

    I understand that some men are not verbally expressive about their love, but he did tell me that he used to tell his last girlfriend that he loved her so, I don't know if it's just how a man feels with certain women or what, but this is really confusing to me.

    So, I guess my concern is....if he didn't tell a woman that he was going to have a child with "I love you" --what kind of man is he really?
    We've been dating for almost 8 months and he hasn't said "I love you" to me either! I don't know how long is too long to wait for a man to verbally express how he feels about you?

    Any thoughts/opinions are greatly appreciated.

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    mhowe
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    Does he show you by actions, and not words, that he loves you? Because, they are just words.

    And -- he may not have loved her. That he was in the relationship for sex, or companionship -- but it wasn't love. When someone says "she got pregnant" as though he wasn't part of the process -- that sounds like it wasn't "planned".

    Anyway, there is no real time line -- people feel what they feel, and you can't force it. Do you love him?

  3. #3
    streetlove2012
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    To give you a brief overview of his actions---
    We spend almost every day together including weekends.
    He's kind and includes me in outings that he's had with family and friends.
    He cooks dinner for me.
    But then this is why I feel lost and confused sometimes. We don't hug and kiss when we say "hello" or "goodbye"
    He never holds my hand in public or when we are walking side by side.
    We rarely talk about "us"---like some couples do when they are alone together.

    I honestly don't know what to make of his actions. Our relationship is kind of weird and hard to describe.
    Sometimes I feel like its not "normal". I know what love feels like and how two people that love each other act around each other and I don't see that with us.
    I can honestly say that I'm beginning to feel like I love him, but I'm not going to say it first.

  4. #4
    becomingkate
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    It's tough. You don't want to rush anyone but you don't want to waste your time either.
    In my current relationship, we began dating in May and he told me near the end of September. I remember thinking that it took awhile!

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    mhowe
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    This isn't about saying it first. If you know what love feels like, do you love HIM? Not the relationship, not love....HIM?

    What if you initated the hugs and kiss hello/goodbye.

    I did this w/ my bf, who is not demonstrative, and now it comes naturally to him.

    What do you need to "discuss" about "us". Getting engaged? Having kids?
    When you are with him, are you happy? Comfortable?

    And btw, how do people that love each other act? Shouldn't they just be?

  6. #6
    streetlove2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by becomingkate [Register to see the link]
    It's tough. You don't want to rush anyone but you don't want to waste your time either.
    In my current relationship, we began dating in May and he told me near the end of September. I remember thinking that it took awhile!
    Well, 3-4 months is usually the normal time span it takes for someone to really know if they love you or not.
    Maybe this man doesn't love me! I don't know.
    And I'm beginning to think that I may be wasting my time.
    The other night he mentioned that his ex- sent him a text. (They've been broken up for almost 9 months).
    He said that she told him that she had a nightmare and wanted to know if he was doing ok. Funny thing is her birthday is this weekend.
    I just don't know what to believe. Did she text him to see if he would reply or because she really had a nightmare about him?

  7. #7
    streetlove2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by mhowe [Register to see the link]
    This isn't about saying it first. If you know what love feels like, do you love HIM? Not the relationship, not love....HIM?

    What if you initated the hugs and kiss hello/goodbye.

    I did this w/ my bf, who is not demonstrative, and now it comes naturally to him.

    What do you need to "discuss" about "us". Getting engaged? Having kids?
    When you are with him, are you happy? Comfortable?

    And btw, how do people that love each other act? Shouldn't they just be?
    I understand it isn't about who says "I love you" first or not. I don't know if I completely love him.
    I know that I'm beginning to feel like I love him, but I'm not fully there yet.
    I'm happy when I'm around him. I initiate kisses and hugs a lot of the time, but I guess I would love to see him put in his part as well.
    He actually brought up the "we don't talk about us" subject in one of our arguments and I just said ok, then talk about us. And he just changed the subject.

  8. #8
    mhowe
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    Well -- now we have more info.

    You are dating a man who was single for a month in between relationships. Flag!
    Depending on how that one ended, he may be reticent to express emotions-----

    she texted him because she wants attention. And now, right in front of her bday, she "jumped" up so he would see her.

    He told you about it. Which means he doesn't care.

    My concern is you are more concerned about the words than the actions. Maybe he is waiting for you to say it. Maybe he has been stung before by saying it too soon. There is really no rule book.

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    HeartGoesOn
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    So, I guess my concern is....if he didn't tell a woman that he was going to have a child with "I love you" --what kind of man is he really?
    I think that would be judging him unfairly. She consented to being intimate with him, while not being clear on where they stood, as well as knowing the consequences of that choice.

  10. #10
    mhowe
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    Quote Originally Posted by streetlove2012 [Register to see the link]
    I understand it isn't about who says "I love you" first or not. I don't know if I completely love him.
    I know that I'm beginning to feel like I love him, but I'm not fully there yet.
    I'm happy when I'm around him. I initiate kisses and hugs a lot of the time, but I guess I would love to see him put in his part as well.
    He actually brought up the "we don't talk about us" subject in one of our arguments and I just said ok, then talk about us. And he just changed the subject.
    Okay, so it's okay if you are uncertain if YOU love him, but it's not okay that he may still be uncertain?
    If he is not used to doing it (hugs/kisses), it will take time. It was not "normal" for my bf....and now it is. You just have to be patient -- I mean, he enjoys the hugs and kisses, right?

    And maybe, previously, his ex was always having "the talk". Do you have a need to?

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