Younger Sister was molested

Hi,

I don't know where to start but I figured i would put this out there and see what kind of advice I would get.

We, I thought had the perfect family. 2 parents still married, 4 siblings 3 girls, and myself ( a boy). I'm the second oldest with two younger sisters and of course one older sister.

A few years back, I was told by my girlfriend at the time that one of my younger sisters, not the youngest but second youngest was molested by my grandfather when she was a child. I didn't know how to handle it and have essentially repressed it ever since. The odd time it would come up in conversations between me, and my other two sisters and from time to time my current girlfriend (my sister that was molested confined in her and told her too).

The sister that was molested, I can tell she's having a difficult time coping. Her moods are up and down and she always seems to be fighting and arguing with one of us. Her personality is not like the rest of ours, I feel like she is constantly trying to be "accepted" by the way she talks, the amount she talks and the amount that she apologizes to people.

Recently, she's been fighting a lot with my parents, about little things - for instance, my mother is trying to clean something for her she would flip out on my mother for doing so.

I have a feeling she may resent my parents for leaving her with my grandpa to be babysat. Hence why she fights with them so much. I also think, she may resent the rest of the kids because we dont know the pain she is going through and has gone through as a result of the sexual abuse.

I know she has gone to counseling in the past and she is currently on anti-depressants. Shes been off and on with the counseling and I don't think its really helped. When I spoke to my youngest sister today about the situation she told me that she always vents to her about our family and feels like we belittle her and she thought we would all be better off if she just died. It was really scary to hear.

A few years back, my grandpa had passed away. Being oblivious to how victims of sexual assault react I thought she would get better but I'm concerned she might be getting worse.

My question is, do I urge my sisters that she knows, know about the sexual abuse to tell her to tell me and from there do we as the children of the family let her know we are there for her and ask her to talk to my parents about it so she can stop resenting them?

I really don't know what to do, I've heard about situations like this happening to other families but never thought it would happen to mine. I just want to help her so bad, I want her to be happy and find love and have her own family.

Its time for me to not be oblivious about sexual assault and learn how to deal with the situation at hand. Any guidance, remarks, experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Confused.

Hi Confused and welcome to eNA

It's really good you now feel more ready to help. Your sister has gone through a traumatic experience and quite frankly I'm surprised she has told you guys. I was 30 when I told my mum and 27 maybe when I said it to my sister.

Do you know how many times it happened? You can do some research yourself to get an idea of what she may be feeling/going through. It might also be an idea to confess that you know and let her speak to you. This might be good because you are a male and naturally she is either scared or repulsed by males at the moment.

Is she in adolesence? Mood swings are very common, particularly if something so 'confusing' has happened. I remember blaming myself for a long time subconsciously: 'I must have done something really wrong to get this' . It has helped to hear from my best friends say it wasn't my fault.

Ultimately it will be up to her to move on from this experience and trust men. Abuse is a degrading act of invalidation. It messes with your mind on so many levels. I found it very difficult having true intimacy with guys. I first made 'love' (not sex) when I was 25. Until then I was playing a part and quite frankly abusing myself cos I thought that's what I deserved when it came to love. I didn't even know back then why I was thinking that way. Then I realised that what that 'trusted' man had done was done. And that I was to deal with it whether I liked it or not. Your sister will have to actively make that decision too eventually, it's good all of you know.

Do you know how many times it happened?

 

Is she in adolesence? Mood swings are very common, particularly if something so 'confusing' has happened. I remember blaming myself for a long time subconsciously: 'I must have done something really wrong to get this' It has helped to hear from my best friends say it wasn't my fault.

Hi Quirky,

Thank you for your reply and sharing your experience with me.

I believe it happened more then once and also know that my youngest sister was there too but for some reason only molested the one.

She is now in her early 20's, she definitely had mood swings in her adolescence years as well.

Hi Confused,

As a mother myself, I may be a bit biased with my advice, so bare that in mind....I definitely think you must tell your parents. They love you all with all their hearts and they need to know so they can help your sister. They will be devasted of course but I don't think keeping it from them is helping anyone. Your sister needs the whole family's support and understanding. She may be angry at first but she needs to know you are all on her side and will do whatever it takes to get her started on the journey to healing.

Poppa, I think you've skipped too far into the future with your advice. Op didn't mention anything about his sister having BPD at all. You are suggesting he research BPD and it's treatments even after saying "most abused children do not develop at personality disorder" I think enquiring into personality disorders at this stage is futile. His sister doesn't know yet that he knows about the abuse. His/her parents don't even know yet. He is seeking answers on how to handle the situation as it stands now.

Ok Poppa, so can you advise what the OP should be doing right now? What should his next steps be? Do you think his parents need to know?

Hi Poppa, Yes you are right. To be honest, I was mortified his parents didn't know. As a mother of four, I found this so disturbing. Also, as someone who has two sisters and a brother, if I was in this situation and this had happened to one of my sisters, the first thing I would want to do is rally the family for support. I guess what I was trying to say was, the last thing I would have on my mind is to google personality disorders. I didn't think the most appropriate response to the situation was to start researching a disorder that she may not have. I was worried for the op and felt they needed to start with unifying as a family and to then get medical help. Thank you for your reply and kind words. I really was being sincere when I asked you what you think the op should be doing right now, what his next steps should be. I would be extremely interested in your response to this question. I know you think the OP's lack of contact with the forum renders the answers moot, but it might help others anyway? I would be interested to know, as a parent. Do you think he should tell his parents?

How did the girlfriend know? Are you sure she wasn't making it up? Also, if your younger sister is 12-14 or so, she could be going through normal teen rebellion as far a defying parents. My youngest sister was a very strong willed child and opposed my parents every step of the way, but as an adult, she is now good friends with them. She is someone who had to carve her own way. And she sort of always felt boxed in as the youngest. Anyway, also, some young women experience depression when their hormones kick in and start to change and are out of whack as a young teen. I was never molested and I apologize a lot. So don't be so quick to believe she was molested if no one knows but somehow your ex girlfriend does. It could be that she is just not a confident young woman yet and is totally normal. In my family, I am from another planet compared to my siblings and we are so different.

I am not saying to downplay it if she WAS molested - but I would not say anything about it unless she volunteers it to you = because you could be totally wrong and injure the relationship with your sister AND with your family- or if she WAS molested and told your ex, she might be mortified that a confidence in private was broken.

Tread VERY CAREFULLY here. WHy not just support your sister self esteem wise and build her up instead?