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She's said YES!!


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I'm looking for a bit of advice really on how to handle the pending situation.

 

My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago, because she "didn't feel that way" and there was "no spark". However, we always had a great time together.

 

After returning from Holiday yesterday (and her contacting me for small talk whilst I was away), I asked if she'd wanna take things slowly and see how it goes.

 

She agreed, but said as long as there was no pressure, as she can't deal with that right now. (her entire house and car flooded in the recent UK weather)

 

I know we broke up because I have the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, I'm not simply a "nice guy". Things got boring and I stopped making time for my friends etc....

The classic "I gave her everything but she smashed my heart" scenario.

 

I need to know how to get past that "awkward" phase that will ensue, it's not like a first date when you can ask lots of interesting questions and give off that exciting "new guy" vibe.

 

She knows me, so how can I get beyond the awkwardness, show her I'm not gonna be a sap again, without it looking forced or try-hard?

Do I just follow the initial dating rules?? be flirty, tease, light touches, have a laugh?? or do I try and re-instate the relationship that ended without this foreplay?

 

I dread the moment I am sat in front of her, trying to be "flirty" and watching her face turn up at the thought. I need to be above her in the food chain, not looked down upon.

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I agree with Chris. By agreeing to "taking it slow" and the fact that you are so excited that she agreed to that, means that no matter what you say or do she will see through it and know you are desperate to get her back. Don't be in such a rush to see her. Flirting with her will give the impression that you are trying too hard. If she is having issues with her car and house flooding then she has a lot of stuff to sort out. At this point in time, rather than focusing on trying to be "exciting" and "flirtatious", why not just offer to give her hand if she has to clean out her house etc, whatever needs to be done to help her through the flooding issues. While that falls into being "nice guy", it also falls into being a naturallly concerned person who wants to help someone going through a rough time. That will take the pressure off of you to "perform". You want things to be natural rather than to have to put on a performance for her.

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Yes, I don't want that to happen obviously.

 

But my track record with women has been the same, no problem getting with them. It's keeping them I have trouble with, and always the same reasons.

 

I change who I am once I am in a relationship - this time I want to stop that.

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...how can I get beyond the awkwardness, show her I'm not gonna be a sap again, without it looking forced or try-hard?

Realise your true potential as a Man, as a Human Being and lose the fear of losing her for good....

 

That is your answer, and not only in this relationship but in any future ones you may have....

 

Otherwise, like the others have hinted on, you will be forever walking around on eggshells wondering what you should and shouldn't do to please/keep her and that will only blow up in your face eventually anyway....

 

Ever Forward

Carus 8-)

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good thought !!!!

IF she is really worthy and IF she treated you right...then try to see how could you turn the table to place both of you on the same page by you getting your "thing" and she hers "taking it slow".

nothing is lost

 

 

 

Yes, I don't want that to happen obviously.

 

But my track record with women has been the same, no problem getting with them. It's keeping them I have trouble with, and always the same reasons.

 

I change who I am once I am in a relationship - this time I want to stop that.

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Given your ... condition, are you certain that a relationship is best for you right now?

If you're aware of your nice guy syndrome, shouldn't you be trying to get back in touch with friends, pursue your dreams, work on yourself?

It sounds like you're putting a band-aid on what pains you right now. Even if you did connect again with her, I believe the dynamics would end up the same.

If she was willing to help you along your journey, then maybe that is different and you'd get something out of it regardless.

Is your ex aware of your "nice guy syndrome"?

 

OSP

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Well I was speaking to a female friend who has repeatedly lost the spark with her man. However she said it would come back after she had calmed down after a couple of weeks. All the time she knew he wanted a relationship.

 

But perhaps that is the word which is scaring my ex away, relationship.

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Well I was speaking to a female friend who has repeatedly lost the spark with her man. However she said it would come back after she had calmed down after a couple of weeks. All the time she knew he wanted a relationship.

 

But perhaps that is the word which is scaring my ex away, relationship.

 

Sounds like game playing. You really want someone who is that wishy washy?

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I want to have what we had, but just control myself and live my own life too. So that things don't become stale and the spark doesn't vanish.

 

This WAS the problem, I know how to stop it happening again.....I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to square one and make sure I do it properly from scratch.

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I want to have what we had, but just control myself and live my own life too. So that things don't become stale and the spark doesn't vanish.

 

This WAS the problem, I know how to stop it happening again.....I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to square one and make sure I do it properly from scratch.

 

link removed

 

OSP

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Forget all the game playing, forget trying trying to be above her in the food chain, forget about trying to impress her, forget about all that crap.

 

BE YOURSELF, PERIOD. End of story. If she doesn't like who you are, which is a nice average guy, then it's doomed no matter what you do. You really can't change who you are and if she's not happy with that, you two will never work. So just do what you'd normally do and see if that works.

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OSP - Wow, what a read!!

 

RFB - that's all well and good, but I recognise a problem I have. Once a relationship forms I become more desperate and needy towards the woman. I don't want to change, I want to develop as a male so that these unattractive traits no longer appear!

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take even more time for you. like others said reconnect with friends, work on your dreams whatever makes you happy. then let her reach out to you. she agreed to trying and taking things slowly and pressure free. to make them pressure free let her come to you! if your happy being alone and having fun with your friends then you won't need to depend on he as much. you need to take it slow not only for her sake but for yours as well!!

 

good luck (:

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I disagree with the idea of helping her. You're an ex - not a boyfriend - and you don't want to be relegated to the friend zone. Speaking from the girl's point of view - I've dated "nice guys" before and it gets really dull when they just fall all over themselves trying to help me. Just give her some space to sort out her life. She knows you're interested in being with her, so let her dictate the pace and don't let her call you up for favors regarding her house or car or anything else. Be too busy for that.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok Here's an update - It's too easy to forget about this site when things start going well or when you become too wrapped up in someone again....but I haven't forgotten!

 

So since my last post everything went to complete rat-poo. I caught her on an online dating site, confronted her about it and basically said "Do you want to persue other interests online? or do you wanna see me?"

 

She got very aggressive defensive with me, and actually threw some nasty responses my way, saying I was a creep and that she wants me to leave her alone.

So I thought, that's that....done, move on.

 

I sent her a message, firstly stating that this was the last thing I would be sending her and that she wouldn't hear from me again.

 

I told her a few home truths, that she's never gonna be happy unless she has constant new relationships or end up with a douche! Because that's the only way she'll get her excitement in a relationship. I wished her the best and told her to understand why I had to make the ultimatum that I did.

 

That night, about 10pm, I got an SMS from her asking if I wanted to "meet up". I thought she may have realised what she'd lost, so I met her.

 

She obviously wanted sex, now I know this sounds bad, but I gave in and did it. She's very pretty and I'm a red blooded male....there are some things I have a threshold for.

 

The next day, she clearly stated that she wanted to see me some more, being f-buddies basically. At first I thought GREAT!

Then the discussion came when she explained how we are both free to see other people and that she wouldn't turn anyone down she felt a connection with.

 

Me being blind said YES, thinking it wouldn't happen anyway and that we'd end up as BF/GF again. This may have been the case, I won't ever know.

 

This brings me to now........

We both went to an amazing party on Saturday night, she had already been drinking and I came to meet her later on at about 9pm. She was lovely, and acting like a GF in most respects. Whilst I was mingling with friends, I noticed her getting a bit "flirty" with a guy she clearly liked the look of, it was harmless in the sense that she wouldn't have done anything......but JUST THAT ALONE wound me up and made me realise that there is no chance I could handle her seeing or being intimate with someone else.

 

We went back to our tent (big party in a field) and she was being very very lovely, sweet and nice. She said "You're good to me aren't you, it's right here in-front of my face isn't it".

 

Had it not been for the way she was with me that night, I probably would have just outright knocked everything on the head. But it made me realise I love her and that I can't continue this current "arrangement" we have, as I WOULD end up hurt, and she would be wrought with guilt.

 

So the next day I said to her "can we keep things between us, be exclusive", she said "I don't want to do that", I firmly replied, "then I'm really sorry, but as much as it hurts to say this, I can't deal with it and I don't think I can see you again."

 

She had things planned so we had no time to talk it over, she asked if we could talk later and I said yes. I phoned her later on and she was staying at her mothers that night so it was impractical to meet her. On the phone I said "If you wanna talk about it, you talk about it NOW on the phone, I'm not waiting anymore, it's doing my head in and we either sort it out now or we forget it so I can be in peace"

 

She was very quick to say "What if I promise it'll be just me and you, I won't see anyone else". I said "That's exactly what I said I wanted, no need to rush back into a relationship, I can't bear seeing you with the risk of another man on the cards"

 

It may look like I backed her into a corner, but that is only by default - the clear fact is, I couldn't do it her way, I can only do it my way and I was willing to walk away if she couldn't do that.

 

Ultimately, what I've realised is.....I have it in me to walk away, I was fully prepared. It is far better to be upset for a while, but have your mind at peace rather than going mad trying to work everything out and second guess everything in your head about the relationship.

 

Anyone in a similar situation needs to make sure they do the same or it'll mess with your mental health.

 

So now we are happily seeing each other, exclusively, taking things slow......which is essential for me and my development as an insecure person and essential for her to remove pressure from the equation. But you mark my words, if I catch a whiff of any silly games, I'll be out of this like a shot!

 

Thanks for reading, if you have any comments, suggestions or remarks....I'd love to hear them.

 

(oh and as for the 'sparks' that were missing before, they have conveniently been flying around all over the place since she asked me to "meet up" after the breakup)

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No matter what the outcome will be, at least you learned some important lessons for yourself and for the readers of this forum... I look forward to hear the continuation of this story, but I thought you handled it with strength through affection (rare it seems) Wow, its gonna be my new slogan "Strength through affection"

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Looks like you stood up for yourself, good for you mate

 

If you don't value and respect yourself, neither will your partner. I think way too many guys (me included) suffer from the "nice guy" syndrome. So when the woman loses respect for you, loss of attraction soon follows

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I guess my remaining concerns are possible resentment through the fact that she might feel I'm preventing her being a "free bird". But if she wanted that instead of me, she would have said so.

 

And despite showing strength, I still need to learn to not be so full on. And learn the ways of letting her come to me, rather than me being the first one to call and plan things all the time.

 

Those with "nice guy syndrome", you can be a "guy that is nice" without being a "nice guy". BIG DIFFERENCE, let them see you have a life aside from them and it shouldn't be a problem. But when you are with them, be nice.

 

--NATTPANTER-- What do you mean by "Strength through affection"?

 

--DASNICO-- Thanks man, I'm not in the clear yet, we aren't "back together" in the official sense. That might take time, as she doesn't want me to become the guy I was before. She's being cautious!

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