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Thread: She's said YES!!

  1. #21
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    Ok Here's an update - It's too easy to forget about this site when things start going well or when you become too wrapped up in someone again....but I haven't forgotten!

    So since my last post everything went to complete rat-poo. I caught her on an online dating site, confronted her about it and basically said "Do you want to persue other interests online? or do you wanna see me?"

    She got very aggressive defensive with me, and actually threw some nasty responses my way, saying I was a creep and that she wants me to leave her alone.
    So I thought, that's that....done, move on.

    I sent her a message, firstly stating that this was the last thing I would be sending her and that she wouldn't hear from me again.

    I told her a few home truths, that she's never gonna be happy unless she has constant new relationships or end up with a douche! Because that's the only way she'll get her excitement in a relationship. I wished her the best and told her to understand why I had to make the ultimatum that I did.

    That night, about 10pm, I got an SMS from her asking if I wanted to "meet up". I thought she may have realised what she'd lost, so I met her.

    She obviously wanted sex, now I know this sounds bad, but I gave in and did it. She's very pretty and I'm a red blooded male....there are some things I have a threshold for.

    The next day, she clearly stated that she wanted to see me some more, being f-buddies basically. At first I thought GREAT!
    Then the discussion came when she explained how we are both free to see other people and that she wouldn't turn anyone down she felt a connection with.

    Me being blind said YES, thinking it wouldn't happen anyway and that we'd end up as BF/GF again. This may have been the case, I won't ever know.

    This brings me to now........
    We both went to an amazing party on Saturday night, she had already been drinking and I came to meet her later on at about 9pm. She was lovely, and acting like a GF in most respects. Whilst I was mingling with friends, I noticed her getting a bit "flirty" with a guy she clearly liked the look of, it was harmless in the sense that she wouldn't have done anything......but JUST THAT ALONE wound me up and made me realise that there is no chance I could handle her seeing or being intimate with someone else.

    We went back to our tent (big party in a field) and she was being very very lovely, sweet and nice. She said "You're good to me aren't you, it's right here in-front of my face isn't it".

    Had it not been for the way she was with me that night, I probably would have just outright knocked everything on the head. But it made me realise I love her and that I can't continue this current "arrangement" we have, as I WOULD end up hurt, and she would be wrought with guilt.

    So the next day I said to her "can we keep things between us, be exclusive", she said "I don't want to do that", I firmly replied, "then I'm really sorry, but as much as it hurts to say this, I can't deal with it and I don't think I can see you again."

    She had things planned so we had no time to talk it over, she asked if we could talk later and I said yes. I phoned her later on and she was staying at her mothers that night so it was impractical to meet her. On the phone I said "If you wanna talk about it, you talk about it NOW on the phone, I'm not waiting anymore, it's doing my head in and we either sort it out now or we forget it so I can be in peace"

    She was very quick to say "What if I promise it'll be just me and you, I won't see anyone else". I said "That's exactly what I said I wanted, no need to rush back into a relationship, I can't bear seeing you with the risk of another man on the cards"

    It may look like I backed her into a corner, but that is only by default - the clear fact is, I couldn't do it her way, I can only do it my way and I was willing to walk away if she couldn't do that.

    Ultimately, what I've realised is.....I have it in me to walk away, I was fully prepared. It is far better to be upset for a while, but have your mind at peace rather than going mad trying to work everything out and second guess everything in your head about the relationship.

    Anyone in a similar situation needs to make sure they do the same or it'll mess with your mental health.

    So now we are happily seeing each other, exclusively, taking things slow......which is essential for me and my development as an insecure person and essential for her to remove pressure from the equation. But you mark my words, if I catch a whiff of any silly games, I'll be out of this like a shot!

    Thanks for reading, if you have any comments, suggestions or remarks....I'd love to hear them.

    (oh and as for the 'sparks' that were missing before, they have conveniently been flying around all over the place since she asked me to "meet up" after the breakup)

  2. #22
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    No matter what the outcome will be, at least you learned some important lessons for yourself and for the readers of this forum... I look forward to hear the continuation of this story, but I thought you handled it with strength through affection (rare it seems) Wow, its gonna be my new slogan "Strength through affection"

  3. #23
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    Looks like you stood up for yourself, good for you mate

    If you don't value and respect yourself, neither will your partner. I think way too many guys (me included) suffer from the "nice guy" syndrome. So when the woman loses respect for you, loss of attraction soon follows

  4. #24
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    Good for you. I always enjoy reading these stories where both end up back together. Keep us updated on how things are going. Best of luck to you both this time around

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  6. #25
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    I guess my remaining concerns are possible resentment through the fact that she might feel I'm preventing her being a "free bird". But if she wanted that instead of me, she would have said so.

    And despite showing strength, I still need to learn to not be so full on. And learn the ways of letting her come to me, rather than me being the first one to call and plan things all the time.

    Those with "nice guy syndrome", you can be a "guy that is nice" without being a "nice guy". BIG DIFFERENCE, let them see you have a life aside from them and it shouldn't be a problem. But when you are with them, be nice.

    --NATTPANTER-- What do you mean by "Strength through affection"?

    --DASNICO-- Thanks man, I'm not in the clear yet, we aren't "back together" in the official sense. That might take time, as she doesn't want me to become the guy I was before. She's being cautious!

  7. #26
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    "Strength through affection" By that I mean you told her clearly about your standards in regard to what you can/can`t accept from a partner, but you also told her you would be hurt if you saw her with someone else (standards/emotions) I think its perfect delivery of such a message. If you leave out how it would make you feel seeing her with someone else, it does not appeal to the heart but the mind only.

  8. #27
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    I see - thanks for that

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by incomingfire
    Those with "nice guy syndrome", you can be a "guy that is nice" without being a "nice guy". BIG DIFFERENCE, let them see you have a life aside from them and it shouldn't be a problem. But when you are with them, be nice.
    I love this! Seriously, you have struck the perfect balance! I think you should go around and be an inspirational speaker to all these guys who whine about getting stepped on AND the guys who think they need to be jerks in order to get the girls. I wish more guys were like you!

    ETA: I'm so glad you were able to stand firm and have a positive result. Congrats! Hope to hear more updates in the future.

  10. #29
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    Thanks Brickheart - To be honest I wish I'd worked this out sooner, without having to go through the pain I've already had with this girl.

    I'm contemplating put my foot down further, but I'm not sure it's essential....what do you guys think.

    As I stated, she openly made the choice to be exclusive with me so that she didn't lose me.......we aren't in a relationship, we are just exclusively "seeing" each other at the moment.

    We hang out, we have dates, we hit the bedroom......but the relationship tag isn't there yet, because I think she's worried that the things that I did to put her off will come back. i.e. Nice Guy Syndrome.

    Aside from that, sometimes things are slow. She'll invite me round hers for all of an hour and then ask me to go because she wants to go to sleep, after hardly being close with each other at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I have contemplated putting my foot down AGAIN and making it clear that if there is no "US" then there is no "ME" in her life.

    Should I do this? or just take it slow, be cool and be glad that she's keeping herself to me?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Mellie's Avatar
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    If you put your foot down further, she'll be off, is my prediction. Maybe you need to do this if the situation is making you unhappy. But one last push could be one too many, and hindsight is a beautiful thing. That's just my opinion. You're exclusive, you're seeing her again. You're either happy with what's on the table or not, but if you bang down your fist be prepared for it all to disappear.

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