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Too much pain to lose virginity


CedarDrop

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Hi guys,

 

I'm 22 years old, in a relationship with a guy I love (and am very attracted to) and reluctantly still a virgin. This boyfriend is the second one I've tried to have sex with, and the first could hardly fit a finger inside me. I have a gradually tapered dildo I can use now, but I can't stretch anywhere near wide enough to fit my current boyfriend, or any other dildos I've bought. I can currently fit a width like a silver dollar (about an inch in diameter), and that hurts a LOT. Yes, we use plenty of lube, lots of foreplay, etc. Still, he can't even get himself past my labia.

 

Please help me guys! I'm so embarrassed to not be able to do something that literal trillions of women have done before. I've put in so much effort, and I'm so afraid I will never get my partner to fit. Even words of encouragement would mean a lot right now; I'm feeling pretty low.

 

Thanks everyone.

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Hi, CedarDrop.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. It seems like you have put a lot of effort into stretching. Do you know if you have a hymen? Have you ever bled from stretching? If you've never bled, then it's possible that you were born with a hymen and it never broke. I would definitely recommend going to the doctor, if you haven't had a Well Woman's exam before. Depending on the state you live in and your income, you can get a reduced rate at planned parenthood. A healthcare provider can see if there are any abnormalities in your vaginal opening, and even break your hymen surgically if it is tougher than normal. Going to a OBGYN can be scary, so see if a good girlfriend or if your boyfriend can drive you there and/or be with you while the doctor talks about what he/she finds. And just know that no matter what happens, there are plenty of ways to be intimate and enjoy each other sexually without penetration. Some of the best sex I've ever had has been things other than "P in V". Best of luck!

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Hmm... This probably won't help much, but have you tried stretching? Like leg stretches? I agree with Moontiger that you probably have a medical condition, but you might not. I had the same problem as you when I was about 15. I wasn't having sex at that age but I had tried touching myself and even just one finger hurt a LOT. As of now, I've been having sex for a couple years but it still hurts for the first minute or so the first time I do have sex after a week without any.

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Hey guys, thanks for your advice.

 

I have thought about vaginismus as a possible cause, though with what (admittedly minimal) progress I've made, I thought maybe normal stretching was what I needed. I will probably end up seeing a gynecologist one way or the other. I'm Canadian, so it's free, so nothing to lose really. Also, I believe I lost my hymen as an adolescent from horseback riding, since some unexplained blood after a lesson, but it is certainly a strong possibility. One way or the other, I'd like to have an answer, so I guess I'll book my appointment.

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Hey guys, thanks for your advice.

 

I have thought about vaginismus as a possible cause, though with what (admittedly minimal) progress I've made, I thought maybe normal stretching was what I needed. I will probably end up seeing a gynecologist one way or the other. I'm Canadian, so it's free, so nothing to lose really. Also, I believe I lost my hymen as an adolescent from horseback riding, since some unexplained blood after a lesson, but it is certainly a strong possibility. One way or the other, I'd like to have an answer, so I guess I'll book my appointment.

 

One of my best friends was diagnosed with vaginismus. The thing is that it can be physical, psychological, or a combination of both. My friend has been prescribed various creams but also had a psychological evaluation too. I'd definitely pursue that route. My friend is glad she did.

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I had the same problem when a guy fingered me although he did get two fingers in, I just didn't LIKE it.. that's partly why I'm afraid to have sex.. I didn't think I had a medical condition, I just thought I was small down there and a wimp about pain, but maybe I do have a problem too, hmm! I'm afraid to go to a gyno too though lol, I'm almost like screw it, I won't ever have sex or I'll just put up with the pain somehow. I've also considered trying to lose my virginity to a guy with a small you know (can't type the word or it's starred) although some people say it still reallly hurts.

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I had the same problem when a guy fingered me although he did get two fingers in, I just didn't LIKE it.. that's partly why I'm afraid to have sex.. I didn't think I had a medical condition, I just thought I was small down there and a wimp about pain, but maybe I do have a problem too, hmm! I'm afraid to go to a gyno too though lol, I'm almost like screw it, I won't ever have sex or I'll just put up with the pain somehow. I've also considered trying to lose my virginity to a guy with a small you know (can't type the word or it's starred) although some people say it still reallly hurts.

 

As I understand it, the pain (for most girls) has been way over-hyped. For me, one finger hurt initially, but the pain seemed to be from the skin never being touched. I've never used tampons or had a pelvic exam thanks to this pain. It felt...sensitive. The advice I've seen over the internet is to get a thin dildo and some water-based lube and try getting used to the feeling in the comfort of your own room and at YOUR pace, without worrying or being embarrassed. That icky feeling will go away soon enough(as it has for me). I've managed to do that, but not to fit anything that is even close to the length or width of a real p***s despite months of effort, which is why I'm feeling so frustrated. Hopefully you'll have an easier time of it! Try not to stress or set deadlines for yourself.

 

For those of you familiar with vaginismus, should I be consulting a general practioner, gynecologist, or psychologist?

 

Thanks again!

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you might want to start with the gynecologist, so they can rule out a physical cause of the problem, and then if it not physical, then maybe a trip to the sex therapist might be good.

 

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you can also purchase a dialator set that has a few sizes - from a finger sized dildo, to a very large penis size. don't force things any faster than you feel comfortable because if you feel anxious, you will tighten up. there are kegel exercises you can do too which might help you get better control over your muscles.

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Well, I thought I'd update you guys.

 

I went to a general practitioner expecting to have her try to give me a PAP, and end up diagnosing me with vaginismus. I went in, she asked me questions about my sexual history and whether I had any past trauma/hang-ups about sex. I don't. She had me lay down to get a PAP, lifted up my skirt, and said "Oh, there's your problem." I have a labial adhesion, apparently--a fusion of the labia minora that make the vaginal opening half the normal size, and unable to stretch. I'll be going in for minor surgery for it sometime this summer. I'm sort of embarrassed not to have known that my vagina wasn't normal/healthy, but I guess after having 2 guys see it and not comment (and being told have every vag is different and good) I didn't really question that something would be biologically wrong.

 

Not at all the answer I suspected, but it's nice to finally know what's up. Thanks everyone for encouraging me to see a doctor!

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Glad to hear you now know whats up. Don't feel bad about not knowing that there was something "wrong" with your lady parts. The vagina is a grand mystery to most people, both men and woman. I remember I once googled something like "Normal Vagina" because I was worried about mine. I came accross a site that was run by a woman and devoted to the grand diversity you can find in a woman's nether regions.

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Been there!! A few years ago when I lost my virginity, well, I didn't really lose it over night,hehe It took months because of a very stubborn hymen! I'll tell you what worked for me, I went to my doctor and got a numbing ointment that numbed the hymen, worked like a charm!! Some hymens are very thin and tear easily, others like my own, are not.

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Been there!! A few years ago when I lost my virginity, well, I didn't really lose it over night,hehe It took months because of a very stubborn hymen! I'll tell you what worked for me, I went to my doctor and got a numbing ointment that numbed the hymen, worked like a charm!! Some hymens are very thin and tear easily, others like my own, are not.

 

I've never heard of that! Certainly I've heard of hymenectomies (which are mostly done if the hymen fully covers the vaginal opening so that no blood/fluids can exit), but that's not the surgery I need. My thing isn't a hymen, but a part of my labia that grew together as a form of non-elastic scar tissue (bareback riding may have caused some serious physical trauma, haha).

 

Anyways, this is definitely a reason to get a PAP before trying to have sex...just to check that things are healthy and normal. And could you imagine if I waited until after marriage before trying to have sex? What a disappointing (or painful) night it would be! Glad a professional checked me out, so I'm prepared for the future.

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