Learning to live a Half Life.

I'm sorry it's so long, but, if you will take the time and post your opinion, it would be greatly appreciated.

My boyfriend..ex boyfriend.. and I started dating November 2, 2010. Our relationship was great. It was always laid back. We just had fun.

Around July 2011, during Band Camp, I became "a * * * * * ." I would get aggravated with him very easily. I see where he is coming from. I was a * * * * * . Around this time, he started to become very sick. He wouldn't eat and he had trouble sleeping. In February of this year, he became extremely upset with me over a joke with one of his friends. It was basically a "I see who wears the pants in this relationship" joke. After school, we had Drama Practice. In the Sound Booth, he told me he had been thinking of breaking up with me. He said that since Band Camp something had been lost in the relationship. But he didn't break up with me. At the beginning of the next month, it happened again. He got aggravated with me. We had a play that night and I was busy doing some stuff so I was a little aggravated with him. We took "a break", but we got back together the next day.

In April, it seemed to be fine. We went to Prom together and he was as happy as could be. It was amazing. The next week was Spring Break. I didn't make plans, because I thought he didn't have plans and I didn't want to leave him alone..but he had made plans. He and his friend went to Daytona Beach for 4 days. I was asked to go feed his bird and cats and water the plants. I didn't mind doing it at all. I wish he had told me. But the last two days he was there, he said there where a lot of cheerleaders around. I told him that he couldn't look jokingly. And it started this big conversation about he wasn't good enough for me. I could find someone better. I am about to go to college and there will be plenty of guys there. I didn't want anyone else. He is amazing. He is the one I want. He didn't break up with me, but he started to become very distant. When he got back, he didn't go to my mom's room in the morning to hug me. He wouldn't hold my hand. He very rarely talked to me. I was worried. It was like that for about a week. That Saturday, we went to Grad Bash. He was distant. When we stopped to eat, I let him hold my phone. My friend and I got up to go to the restroom. While we were in there, I'm pretty sure he read the messages to my cousin about the whole situation, because when I got back he held my hand and hugged me. He even talked to me more. When we got to City Walk, it was extremely crowded and I don't like crowds. He held me so I didn't have to look and he calmed me down. He held my hand. I think when I took him home the next morning he was even going to kiss me, but we both had extremely bad morning breath.

And Monday, he came by my mom's room and put his stuff down, said "hey" and went down the hall to his friends.

Tuesday was Honor's Night. He got many awards. He is number 1 in his class. He doesn't tell many people, but I tell everyone. I got many scholarships. After we went to Dairy Queen with some friends. On the way there, he told me something he had never told anyone. He suffers from depression. He has since fifth grade. He said that if he backs away and gets distant, that's why. He even kissed me. The first time since Prom. But he wasn't going to go to a doctor or take medication. I was okay with it. We had been through so much. Why can't we get through this, too?

Well.. we got through the end of school. Graduation and all. First week out was great. We went out with one of his friends multiple times. He came to a recital I was doing sound and lights for. He seemed so happy.

Well, the next week we didn't see each other until Thursday, May 24. He was very distant. He didn't want to be around anyone but me, his friend, and two other people. Maybe he didn't even want to be around us..I don't know. But he found something in my room and I took it from him. He said that if I don't let him read it he would break up with me. I think it was a joke. It didn't matter regardless. That night, he started with "I shouldn't have to deal with his problems." I told him I was there because I choose to be. But he gave up that night.

May 25. "I can't handle a relationship right now." "You shouldn't have to around on me because I don't feel like it." "It's hard for me to keep a relationship because I want to be alone most of the time with nothing else to do with anyone." He still didn't get that I was there because I love him. I knew what it meant if I stayed in the relationship. I wanted to. I want to help him. He didn't break up with me.

May 26. The first text I get that morning is "You need to break up with me." I don't know why he wanted me to break up with him. I never asked. He said it wouldn't work out. He said I was wasting my time. I didn't feel like I was wasting my time. He said he was on his own. He said the best thing I could do for him is fine someone who I could have a future with, but he is my future. He said "I'll still be right here for you and I hope you for me. I don't know which will hurt most, but I know which will be better for you in the end." He wanted me to leave him. He said he didn't want anyone in his problems, but to me being there for him doesn't mean I have to be involved in his problems. He said "I'm sorry I can't handle relationships. I'm sorry I can't handle my freaking depression. I love you and for that reason I'm not letting you waste your time on me." He wanted me to be mad at him. I couldn't be mad. I could only cry. He said he thought about things he hasn't in a long time..I'm scared he is going to try to hurt himself. He kept saying he wanted to disappear. He even said he wanted to die. He wanted me to hate him. I couldn't do that either. He said "I'll always be here to hold you and help you. Right before we went to bed, he said " Let's stay together. Pretend tonight never happened."

May 27. Dooms Day. He said he couldn't handle a romantic relationship. "I'll always be your best friend." He said that if he got over it " we can try again if we want to I don't know what I want right now." He said he had been fighting tears every night. I just let mine run. I told him I would tell him "Goodmorning." and "Goodnight. I love you." every day. I was raised that to tell the people you love that you love them everyday. He asked me not to do it. He would cry more. But I have to. The thing that hurt the most was when he said " And you aren't mine now. You can do what you want.." I said "I'll always be yours." And he replied, "Please don't say that." And I said " I just did..and I meant it." And again he said he wanted to die. He said, "If I die lonely, come to my funeral." He said, " I know you may not be right now, but I'm a little happier knowing I can face my demons alone and not drag anyone else into it. I'm not doing to drop you though."

That Tuesday, me, him, and his friend were suppose to go to out shopping, but his mom complained about it being "too soon." I don't think she ever liked me. She wanted us to break up from the moment we got together. The way he asked me out was so cute though.

Thursday, he found a shirt that said "Average looking and I know it!" I said it described me perfectly. He said, "Shuddup, liar." It made me smile.

One thing that confuses me most of all is that he said he wanted to be alone. Almost everyday since then, he has been with a friend. I don't know what to believe. Right now he is in Daytona with his friend again. They come home tomorrow.

I know most people would think that I'm stupid, but I'm going to wait for him. I truly love him. Ever since May 27th, I haven't missed one day of telling him "Goodmorning." or "Goodnight. I love you." Most of the time he texts back "Goodnight. I love you, too." It helps me sleep better. I feel like part of me is gone. I guess I'll have to learn to live a half life until he is ready.

Thanks for reading..I'm really lost.