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Thread: How long until you become a "couple"?

  1. #11
    Natasha24
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    Sorry to dig up an old thread like this, but I have another question.

    It's getting close to 3 months with this guy, and nothing's happened. We talked about being official again the other day, and he said "There's something that's making me want to wait to be official. I don't know what it is, but something's telling me not to do it yet". I have no idea what to make of this.

    I know he likes me, I don't think he's using me or "stringing me along" while he dates other people. But I'm getting tired of waiting, 3 months feels like a long time with no commitment. I have met his friends and his family, we have spent full weekends together so we know we get along well - what's left to wait for?

    Is this excuse of "Something's telling me to wait" a red flag for anyone? I don't know what to think at this point. I'm starting to feel like a fool for hanging around so loyally.

  2. #12
    pinkelephant
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    I think you should date others and take your time. Give him as much commitment as he gives you. If he cares about you and wants you to be his gf, that should give the push he needs. If not, you're now seeing other quality men who would be happy to be in his place.

  3. #13
    Madison12
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    Pink elephant is right. I would start getting busy with your own life rather than wondering where you stand with this guy. Right now he's in a position of power because he is withholding something that he knows you want. Table that "what are we" conversation. This one ain't ready to have it.

    I would knock him off balance a bit. Start dating others. Remain receptive to him, and happy when you hear from him, but give him plenty of space so that he doesn't fear being trapped in a cage. Then - he'll set off to trap you in his.

  4. #14
    Natasha24
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    Thanks for the replies. I actually tried this when I talked to him about this a month ago, and it didn't turn out well. He thought I was "threatening" him when I suggested we take a step back and continue dating others. I worry if I say that again, he'll feel like I'm playing games.

    I don't want to play games, I don't want to "threaten" him, I just don't want to be wasting my time.

  5. #15
    Madison12
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    Well in a way that's his keeping you under his thumb while he "figures everything out". Which really isn't fair to you is it? Exclusivity without commitment really ins't fair to women, because while you can't date others you're not getting what you want from the one you ARE dating exclusively. Psh - whatever.

    You're not threatening him if you follow up your talk with action. You're just living your life and putting yourself first. Which is an attractive quality to ANY man. Up and until you are a in a committed relationship, you are a free agent, sister, and don't let any dude guilt you into feeling otherwise.

  6. #16
    pinkelephant
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    I agree with Madi. You should follow your words with actions. That's rude of him to say, because if he isn't up to be a bf, you should be allowed to consider other options.

  7. #17
    blueidealist24
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    That IS a red flag, especially when he won't tell you what the "something" is. I don't think it sounds like he's screwing around behind your back, but it sounds more like he's a commitment-phobe. Are you still not having sex? Just wondering, I actually agree with not having sex until he agrees to be exclusive with you.

  8. #18
    Natasha24
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    Quote Originally Posted by blueidealist24 [Register to see the link]
    That IS a red flag, especially when he won't tell you what the "something" is. I don't think it sounds like he's screwing around behind your back, but it sounds more like he's a commitment-phobe. Are you still not having sex? Just wondering, I actually agree with not having sex until he agrees to be exclusive with you.
    I made a joke the other day about him being a commitment-phone, but he said he isn't. All his previous relationships were 1-3 years, so I don't think he's afraid of commitment. I just don't get why he's holding off.
    We're still not having sex. It's really difficult to be honest, but I feel like this is the only thing that's going to make him want to be official - because in all other ways, we already are.

  9. #19
    Batya33
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    If you think that he needs to be refused sex in order to be motivated to be with you in a serious relationship I hope you have a really strong stomach and high level of confidence once you decide to have sex with him - because won't you worry what will motivate him to stay official once you have sex with him?
    I don't think he's necessarily a commitmentphobe -he may simply want to keep his options open in case someone else turns his head so that if that happens he can act on it and remind you that it's not actually cheating. I would avoid making excuses to yourself about "official" just being a "title". I don't think you feel that way (I sure don't) and that also might send confusing messages to him as in "what's the big deal, it's just a title" which can go both ways.
    And definitely consider other options if he's not willing to be your boyfriend.

  10. #20
    alwaysmoving
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    Eh, he sounds like a player.

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