Should I give up the love of my life for kids, wife and "doing the right thing"?

I guess this is not a very original story and I do not expect a lot of sympathy here, but still...

I have been married for about 10 years, dating since high school. We have two kids; they are great and I love them a lot. In fact, spending the time with them is the only thing I truly enjoy lately.

We had a nice, "convenient" life. I make enough and my wife could afford to work part time mostly in order to be involved in something. We never actually had any problems in our marriage simply because we never had any serious problems in our life. She loves me...but the truth is, I never loved her that much. I even considered leaving her long time ago, before we had kids, but did not do this. Why... I guess mostly because I did not know how to do this - end one relationship, meet someone new... I've never done this before, she was my first actual girlfriend. She is a very nice person, but I wanted to be with someone else... until I convinced myself (and it took some effort) that this is "as good as it gets". It seemed like an adult decision at the time. And than we had kids and eventually my life settled. I enjoyed the kids greatly, especially when the old one grew up enough so that we would be able to do things together. My wife is not really into sport activities I enjoy, so I was mostly doing this with my friends and I'm really exciting that I can do this now with my kid.

The thing is, most of my time I felt "alone" (I have a lot of friends, but none of them are very close) and this was cool. I really enjoyed myself being self-sufficient .. until I discovered that there is much more to life when you can truly be with someone else. Someone who understands you, likes the same stuff, etc... I hope you know what I'm talking about. First it happened with the kid, and then with this woman I met... and than of course everything got messed up. We had an affair, I'll spare the details but would just say that it was not just roses and butterflies, we had also some very harsh times in this relationship.

And here I am, after I convinced myself that my partner is as good as it gets and built honestly not a bad life, I found that there is much more to life, at least as far as relationships go.

And now I'm facing this terrible dilemma - do I hurt my wife (this would probably be devastating to her) and to some extend my kids (even though I'm prepared to do insanely huge effort to stay in their life as a father) to be with someone I've been always waiting for... or do I stay for the sake of my wife and the kids, knowing for the rest of my life that I've given up on the love of my life?

The time to back out was 10 years ago. Now you created two lives with someone who has done nothing wrong to you. Learn to love your wife and man up to the life you made.

I should have probably added that I of course do not expect anybody to tell me what is the right thing for me to do. My problem is that I do not understand how to decide. I'm a very rational man... but this is a situation where is it not possible to clearly see what's good and what's bad. I see two possible scenarios - and I don't either of them. I'm thinking about this for months, and the more I think the more depressed I get...

How to decide is the devastation it will do to your children. Children are resilient, yes, but it is not something they ever forget. I know, my parents divorced. My mom and my step dad divorced and then my mom and my real dad got back together and divorced again. I know parents are people obviously but I think they should be more aware of the stupid crap they drag their kids through without understanding how scathing it is.

Learn to love your wife

This is probably not possible, so the only actual part of your advice would be

man up to the life you made.

I can understand that. The thing is, there is yet another person in the equation whom I care a lot about...

Perhaps you should confess about your affair to your wife and let HER decide. Maybe most will disagree because there are kids involved, but if I was your wife - I would want to know who I was married to and have the option to decide if I still wanted to be...

Perhaps you should confess about your affair to your wife and let HER decide. Maybe most will disagree because there are kids involved, but if I was your wife - I would want to know who I was married to and have the option to decide if I still wanted to be...

There is that. Confess to your wife and she will make the decision easy for you.

Of course... but than again, I do know happy stories of parents getting divorced nicely and being part of their children's life after that. This is one of my problems, when I think of either scenario I imagine the worst option possible... should I really base my decision on the fact that the worst would happen?

Tell your wife.

If she wants, agree to counceling.

If counceling doesn't help - separate and ultimately divorce.

Sounds like a cliche but life is too short to be unhappy.

If you are not in love with your wife and have true feelings for someone else, it is better for everyone if you two go your separate ways.

It's not comfortable, but in the end it is rational.

This way you can be with the woman you love and your wife will have a chance to find someone who would feel the same way about her like you do about the other woman.

And your children will adjust and enjoy two happy parents, instead of resentful ones.

On a side note, I have difficulties to believe the other woman is the love of your life.

First - I don't believe in such thing.

Second - I am certain that 10 years down the road from now, if you chose the other woman, IN THE BEST CASE you would feel the same way about her then that you do about your wife now.

Yes, there are people who divorce nicely and yes parents are in the child's life. It still does not mean they are not devastated. I think you are over optimistic that this is going to be sunshine blossoms for your kids and it won't bother them at all because you will still be there. Not so.

There is that. Confess to your wife and she will make the decision easy for you.

Done that. She is willing to try to save the marriage... so in the end this is my decision and I'm still not convinced what is right for everybody involved.

There is no "HOW" to decide this. There is no happy outcome here. If you see staying with your wife and being miserable or leaving as the only two outcomes, people are going to be hurt.

Before you go that route though, I'd suggest counselling. At least try and make an effort to salvage your marriage. You made a commitment there. You should try and honor that.

And if you are going to get divorced, be honest with yourself about the impact on your kids. It won't be good. Divorce impacts children negatively.

If she wants, agree to counceling.

If counceling doesn't help - separate and ultimately divorce.

Counselling would be needed if I decide to stay. First I have to make a decision, this is the difficult part... If I manage to decide what is best and I would believe that this is the right thing to do at least to some degree (now I have a feeling that the decision is so complex that I'm basically flipping a coin) I would find a way to do this.

You seem determined to be divorced but you want people to sanction it for you and tell you your kids will be gloriously ok. You can be divorced, sure, and be in their lives but that does not mean you are not going to hurt them. I can tell you for sure 100% that you will. Will they be ok in time? Yes. But they are never going to forget it. I am ok with my parents being divorced in fact it was the best thing they could have ever done, being my dad was a mentally ill abusive nasty person. It does not mean divorce did not hurt or scar me. I still remember the first time they divorced and it was 40 years ago and I was 5. So please, just understand you hurt your children in this quest for the perfect fantasy.

I'm afraid I do not really understand why people suggest counselling at this stage... We did not fight, we had a nice and quite life, there are no problems to solve in our marriage except for me thinking that I'm with the wrong person, especially now that I met the right one...

No, I'm not asking for sanction and I do understand that people are care about are going to get hurt whatever my decision would be. I'm just trying to understand how to reach the right decision...

So to love honour and cherish till death do you part is only valid until you meet someone else?? You promised until death do you part, THAT is how you make your decision.

you seem to have already made your decision that you want to leave, you seem to want to hear from us that is the right thing.....helps with the guilt maybe...

i do not think only staying for the kids is the best thing, cause then they will be unhappy as well, if you two fight and whatnot, but a divorce will affect them, very much....

so there is no easy answer or quick fix....think for yourself....talk with your wife, try counceling first....

as far as the other one being the love of your life, well i think it is more you seeking something outside your life, the thrill, someone new, exciting, if you should marry her, in 10 years you will be in the same rut

Part of growing up is manning up and accepting reality. You didn't chose the right woman? That's on you, man. You could have left her years ago but instead you decided to settle down and have kids with her. You really dug yourself into a hole on this one and you have no one to blame but yourself.

Man up and get to therapy so you can better your current relationship and feel satisfied. Don't be "that guy" who leaves his wife and kids just for some romantic notion that usually doesn't work out. When you have kids, they are supposed to come first before anything else, ANYTHING else in your life. If you don't like it, don't have kids, but that ship has sailed for you and you need to put them first before yourself.

You seem to be able to read my mind noticing that I've already made a decision while not really readying my text where I ask about how to reach the right decision, but that's OK.

Out of respect for your wife, please leave her.. she deserves to be loved 100% and wholeheartedly - not some "pretend" love for the sake of your kids. Let her go so she can find someone who will love her the way she loves you.

I think that the problem is that you committed without really realizing what you were committing to. How can you decide that your wife is the "best" without trying others? I get it.

The thing is, though... a marriage isn't just about love. It's also about that commitment. In every marriage, if you are going to stay together 50 years, you WILL have times where you question whether your choice was the right choice. Hopefully you don't cheat about it, though (ahem).

I think the "how" of the decision really comes down to whether you can now commit or whether you will cheat again. You insist that you can never love your wife. That's a pretty bad sign. You know... people in arranged marriages fall in love. They fall in love because they are committed to the relationship and they develop a partnership love with one another. You CAN love your wife. Just not in the way you think.

The other part of this is that you also still have this illusion going on. This illusion that this other woman is "better". Really? There is a much higher probability - not that this woman is "better" - but that she is different. If you played out this scenario, you would find that yes, she plays sports with you (or whatever)... but maybe she doesn't ______. (Insert XYZ that your wife was awesome at).

There is no such thing as a perfect person and there is no such thing as "the one". There are many "ones". You just have to pick one, COMMIT, and settle down.

Ultimately, I don't know what the answer is for you. I think you need to figure that out. If you really need this dating phase (and that's what it will be when you realize this other woman isn't perfect and/or meet someone else) - then I do think it's best you leave. It's not a good role model to be a cheating parent and it's not good to drag your innocent wife through your turmoil, destroying her confidence and self-esteem along the way. But if you CAN commit... then, yes. I think you should commit.

As weird as this sounds... I kind of don't think you played out the affair long enough...

I think you need to go to your OWN councilling sessions (rather than marital councilling, which may follow). I think you really need to sit with a professional and sort through your feelings. You need to make a decision that you can stick to and live by.

... and that's really the crux of it all. It doesn't matter so much which decision you make - but that you stick to it.

Out of respect for your wife, please leave her.. she deserves to be loved 100% and wholeheartedly - not some "pretend" love for the sake of your kids. Let her go so she can find someone who will love her the way she loves you.

The thing is... it is not that simple. She definitely deserves that, but nevertheless she might be happier with such "pretend" love given the circumstances... provided, of course, that I manage to pretend good enough.

... and that's really the crux of it all. It doesn't matter so much which decision you make - but that you stick to it.

Right... this is my biggest problem. Since I cannot figure out how to make the decision, whatever decision I make I'm having hard time sticking to it... yes, sounds bad, I know... but there is A LOT at stake here and a lot of people involved. I'm seeing my own therapist trying to figure this out... The problem is of course that while I'm doing this everybody around me suffers... except for the kids maybe, they are doing allright for now...

Right... this is my biggest problem. Since I cannot figure out how to make the decision, whatever decision I make I'm having hard time sticking to it... yes, sounds bad, I know... but there is A LOT at stake here and a lot of people involved. I'm seeing my own therapist trying to figure this out... The problem is of course that while I'm doing this everybody around me suffers... except for the kids maybe, they are doing allright for now...

Kids KNOW when their parents are not doing well. Parents want to believe they are oblivious, but they arn't.