Mistrust in a relationship. To snoop or not?

There's been a few threads on ENA recently that I've found fascinating and have really got me thinking about the issue of snooping on a partner, when you don't trust them. The general consensus always seems to be that snooping is always wrong, without exception, but I'm not sure if that's right, so I'd love to hear other people's thoughts.

Now first off I should say that I'm single at the moment out of choice, am enjoying casual dating and have also had several very long, very successful relationships in the past and I have never snooped on anyone before (luckily I've never had reason to). But with that said, I can totally see why people would do it, and maybe even should do it, if they have solid reason to believe something's going on.

If I was in a relationship with someone and started getting the feeling that she was messing around behind my back, surely I'd need solid proof before I confronted her about it and looked like a jealous psycho, so unless that proof was forthcoming, wouldn't the only way to get it be by snooping?

When I say "getting the feeling that she was messing around", I don't just mean if I had a hunch that something was up. I mean if I was seeing plenty of the tried and tested warning signs of cheating. In that instance, if I confronted her about it, in an ideal world she'd tell the truth, but it's far more likely she'd just lie and leave me with two choices - I could either trust her and maybe set myself up for much bigger heartache in the long run, or I could go with my gut and ditch her and run the risk of dumping an innocent woman.

Obviously the first step should always be to discuss the situation with your partner ("how come you came home without your underwear this evening", "why do your clothes smell of aftershave" etc but failing that, isn't it better to be sure of your accusations before throwing them out there and maybe destroying a relationship just because you got your facts wrong? Many cheaters will continue cheating for as long as they can (trust me, I know plenty of cheaters) and, short of catching them with their pants down or them leaving you for the other person, you may never know for sure, so surely some investigation is not only OK, but is actually pretty essential?

What do you all think? Hopefully none of us will ever have to face this quandary up close, but I think it's a pretty interesting subject, as I've seen many people get cheated on and most of them could've easily caught their cheating partners in the act with just a bit of research and saved themselves years of being taken advantage of.

Don't ever snoop! What's important is whether you feel trust in this person and that's about it. If trust is one of your issues, and you break it off with everyone because you think they *did* something to you; then go to the therapist and work it out there. Not in your dating life!

Angel

I think most people will take the moral high ground when they're giving you advice on the internet, but most people would snoop in a heartbeat if they really felt in their gut that something was going on.

I look at it this way: once your partner starts acting in a way that causes you concern or mistrust, s/he is giving you carte blanche to snoop.

I am not saying look at your boyfriend's phone if he comes home late once every three months or if he's going out with the guys. I'm saying if he becomes evasive, says he's "going to the store" but his phone is off and he takes 10 hours to get there and come back, and continually acts with suspicious behavior, then you'd be justified to look.

Take my example: my ex and I had a sort of on-again-off-again thing for a year or so after we broke up. He invited me to stay with him on vacation for two weeks and I gladly accepted. That whole time we acted like a couple--I even picked out his new kitchen and new furniture for his home. He took me to lunch with his aunt, the works. Then three days before I was supposed to leave, he takes a phone call in secret in his bedroom. I overhear him say, "hey, Silvia!" and he comes out to the living room and tells me he's going on a trip overnight with another girl. Um, what? So you can have me over your house, make love to me and then expect me to be okay with this? Nuh-uh.

So the night before he left, I looked in his phone and saw all their messages back and forth. I was completely justified, he flipped out, saying "now I know what kind of a person you are!" and I said to him, "at least I'm not the kind of person who invites her ex over, makes love to her for two weeks and then two-times her with some random dude." He shut up real fast. That is just disregard for me as a human being, plain and simple.

(Justified) snooping

If you can't trust your partner, you shouldn't be with them at all. Plain and simple. But we all know it rarely ever is that simple

In my last relationship, I also felt like something was up but I didn't have anything to go off of. Luckily, my ex wasn't good about covering his tracks because I found out pretty easily that he was being shady behind my back.

After that incident, I would sometimes have the urge to go through his computer if he left it laying around but I just couldn't do it. I felt bad invading his privacy, like I was his mother making sure he was behaving. He's a grown adult, he can make his own decisions. My role in the relationship was to TRUST him, not patrol his every move. I wanted to just believe he wasn't talking to other girls or whatever it was he did in those chat rooms. I only looked through his computer a few times after that and each time I would find something disturbing, I didn't want to bring it up in fear of losing him. So I just suppressed it and pretended like I never saw it. Big mistake.

But every relationship is different and sometimes it really is nothing, then you're the one who broke your partner's trust by snooping. Suddenly tables are turned. It has to be done knowing that it could very well make or break the relationship. And it really is something that cannot be defined as right or wrong, it changes with each situation. I just know that it isn't natural to do it and if there is no trust then there is no relationship.

If you are confronting the person on several occasions and they are denying it and you just can't seem to get any answers. Hell yeah, snoop!..lol..it's not morally right, but it's best to know then to wait and find out. Yeah, you may feel bad, but it's got to be done. Once you have the proof, you can decide to stay based on other circumstances (married, kids, share morgage) or move the hell on. I ususally choose the latter. Once I find out you been unfaithful, I'm done! I wouldn't stay with a person to continue the snooping, it's not healthy and I don't recommend it. But sometimes you have to in certain cases. In my case, my ex was lying and I had to. He didn't cheat, but he was still talking to an ex and hiding it. I mean he could lie his azz off. The only way I could get him to admit was to show proof. My god. Can't be with someone that lies all the way up till the very end and until you have to show proof of photos and emails..

Yeah, if you find someone is being unfaithful, you have to confront and then leave.

Once you two-time me, you're dead to me. Zero tolerance and zero forgiveness. It's a wrap, Jack.

I think most people will take the moral high ground when they're giving you advice on the internet, but most people would snoop in a heartbeat if they really felt in their gut that something was going on.

In this age of instant access, it's a hard temptation. But does that make it right? Everyone has their own moral compass. But if the roles were reverse and you were not at fault, you'd be pissed.

A relationship should not require a background check anytime one partner starts getting worried.

If I was in a relationship with someone and started getting the feeling that she was messing around behind my back, surely I'd need solid proof before I confronted her about it and looked like a jealous psycho, so unless that proof was forthcoming, wouldn't the only way to get it be by snooping?

Nope. Not in my opinion, anyways.

If you were with someone and you started to get the feeling that she was messing around behind your back... stop! Right there you have a problem. Even if it's completely innocent - you still have a problem. She is behaving in ways that makes you feel uncomfortable.

If the problem is that she is out drinking and coming home without her underwear... there is a problem. Why is she out drinking like that? Why is she not wearing underwear? Why are you not with her? Addressing this issue alone (if she's cheating) will drive her nuts (because you are cutting off the cheating path).

And then there's the problem of trust. If you trust your partner and she tells you it's because she peed her pants or something... you would believe it! But the fact that you don't believe it is another problem... perhaps there are other things that she is doing that is making you uncomfortable? Does she have a history of lying? Problem.

I think the bottom line is that you shouldn't feel insecure in a relationship. If he/she is acting in shady ways that is making you insecure... there are problems. And really... as you try to address the surrounding issues, you will cut them off of the cheating path... which... if they are intent on cheating, will frustrate them and cause them to break up with you. (Good!)

If you snoop, you may or may not find evidence, but you still have a root problem. The ONLY way it works out is if you find something... but I argue that you can flush this out anyways. If you are THAT convinced that you are willing to resort to breaking someone's privacy... maybe you should just take the high road and walk away.

"I could either trust her and maybe set myself up for much bigger heartache in the long run, or I could go with my gut and ditch her and run the risk of dumping an innocent woman."

This what you said here is the meat of it all.....And there would be no way of finding the truth unless you snooped. There's an old saying that goes,"trust,but verify"...I'd much rather do a little snooping to verify than walk around wondering if I was with a cheater. And I'd much rather do a little snooping to verify instead of dumping someone that I love whom is trustworthy....

Agreed RedDress. Focus on the issues and don't be the one to risk breaking the trust.

If you are willing to break their trust by checking on them, then you might as well give up on the relationship. Since you are so willing to lose the relationship anyway, why not just cut it off.

"I could either trust her and maybe set myself up for much bigger heartache in the long run, or I could go with my gut and ditch her and run the risk of dumping an innocent woman."

 

This what you said here is the meat of it all.....And there would be no way of finding the truth unless you snooped. There's an old saying that goes,"trust,but verify"...I'd much rather do a little snooping to verify than walk around wondering if I was with a cheater. And I'd much rather do a little snooping to verify instead of dumping someone that I love whom is trustworthy....

If they are trustworthy don't snoop

I think that logically, yes, we can all say it's about trust and if you don't trust your partner, you have larger issues than snooping.

I think that sounds great on paper. I think it has next to nothing to do with reality. Reality isn't quite so black and white. Reality is much more fluid and dynamic. Sometimes we grow suspicious because of past issues or circumstances. Sometimes we grow suspicious because we have a right to be. Sometimes we think something's going on but, you know--we're wrong.

That's my problem with the "snooping is never, ever ever ok and if you don't trust your partner blah blah blah" logic. It doesn't allow for humans to be human. It doesn't acknowledge that we're often irrational, judgmental, needlessly insecure, that we make mistakes.

I'm not saying this to rationalize snooping, I'm saying that oftentimes these ethical sorts of questions are fantastic thought experiments on paper, but have next to nothing to do with reality, when you really are confronted with a suspicion and you have the opportunity to snoop.

Is it wrong to do so? Probably. Does that really have any practical bearing in real life? Not really. If you get suspicious for whatever reason and decide to snoop and find nothing--shame on you. You walk away with your tail between your legs feeling guilty, but also reassured. Was it wrong? Sure. Is it the end of the world? No. Does it mean you need to break up now because, hey, you obviously don't trust your partner? No, of course not. Again, things aren't as absolute in real life as we like to make them out to be. Now, of course, if you made snooping a habit, then you obviously have larger trust issues, but that goes without saying.

But what if you only confirm the suspicions that made you snoop in the first place? What if you found out some definitive dirt? In that case, you better believe that you'd be relieved to find the proof you needed to end things, to move on, to save yourself time and wasted energy, etc. No one is going to sit there and lecture you that, you know, it's great you got out of an obviously bad situation, but you know it was still ethically wrong to snoop, right?

If they are trustworthy don't snoop

Exactly....But if something seems 'off',sometimes the only way to find out if they are trustworthy is to 'verify'....I don't even like to call it snooping....Same as some people put keyloggers on their childrens computers when they feel something is 'off'. It's to protect their loved ones. In this case I'd be protecting my loved one...Me....

These are actually the final words that need to be written on this subject because they are RIGHT on the mark!!!!

Agreed with camus! So tired of the lectures about morals and ethics- like said above, life isn't quite so black and white....

I agree with the general consensus of the replies on this forum. Snooping is wrong. Even if you think you've got a good reason to do it. Quite frankly, if the person who seems like they're cheating really loves the person they are with they will stop putting themselves in situations where their actions can be misconstrued like that. Open communication and the effort one puts into a relationship that they want to stay in will put an end to those conflicts. I recently was in a BU where my ex was really insecure about being with me. He kept telling me how I was the prettiest girl he'd ever been with and would freak out whenever I was hanging out with other dudes or sitting too close to them. So, to make him feel better, I made sure to keep my distance and reassure him that there was nothing going on. Does he need to snoop through my things to see if I'm cheating? Absolutely not. Because I loved him and I was invested in our relationship, I made sure that my actions could not be misinterpreted as cheating and kept open communication with him whenever he felt insecure. There is absolutely NO reason to snoop through someones personal business. If you can't communicate with the person you are with then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. That is my opinion.

That's my problem with the "snooping is never, ever ever ok and if you don't trust your partner blah blah blah" logic. It doesn't allow for humans to be human. It doesn't acknowledge that we're often irrational, judgmental, needlessly insecure, that we make mistakes.

I really think it's personal and it comes down to a person's moral compass.

I can only go by my own experiences. Have I ever been needlessly insecure? Sure. But if you are insecure ONCE, it shouldn't be enough to snoop. You give people the benefit of the doubt. If you are insecure MANY times, there are problems in the relationship.

I've never regretted breaking up with an "innocent" person who treated me in ways that were less than straightforward...

I agree that life is fluid - but there can be absolute lines that you choose not to cross, despite what happens. Hitting your partner is another example. YES - sometimes people make you mad. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes they kind of deserve a smack accross the head. But... you don't. You walk. Same can go for snooping - if you want it to.

I agree that most people would probably snoop and I might if I had an easy opportunity. I do think think the relationship is essentially broken when things get to that point. What happens when you snoop and you don't find anything? Well that underlying mistrust is not going to go away so of course you are going to snoop again.... and again until you find proof. I think it's best to just trust your own perception of things and resist the temptation to snoop if you can. If you discuss things with your partner and things still seem off then end it right then and there. Even if they are innocent - you still aren't getting what you need out of the relationship.

I think if I was married I would require some proof before taking steps for divorce so in that case I do think it is necessary to snoop to some degree.

I snooped and found out he was cheating. Had no ideaaa. I knew the relationship was on the rocks, but didn't realize he was also cheating. It helped make my decision very easy.

Exactly....But if something seems 'off',sometimes the only way to find out if they are trustworthy is to 'verify'....I don't even like to call it snooping....Same as some people put keyloggers on their childrens computers when they feel something is 'off'. It's to protect their loved ones. In this case I'd be protecting my loved one...Me....

Wrong, if we are to act as reality says we should, then that excuses people who were against civil rights since that would have changed the reality they thought was true. Do you tell your significant other you snoop on them? "No", you say. Why is that because A) you didn't find proof so you don't tell them so they wouldn't do a better job hiding things or B) You know they would not understand your reasoning and will think you do not trust them?

Reality is only what you make it. Just because it's an easy way to resolve something doesn't make it the right way.

The reality I have is that I trust my girlfriend and will continue to do so, in faith, because there is no reason to doubt her. If the relationship ends, fine. But I know I did nothing wrong and I do not have a problem trusting someone.

Wow, a lot of interesting comments here and some pretty polar-opposite opinions. Not to down the people that are taking the moral high ground though, but this comment in particular says quite a lot...

The reality I have is that I trust my girlfriend and will continue to do so, in faith, because there is no reason to doubt her. If the relationship ends, fine. But I know I did nothing wrong and I do not have a problem trusting someone.

That's kind of the point...you have no reason to doubt her. When that's the case, of course no sane person would snoop. It's when something happens that does make you seriously doubt her that this becomes an issue and our morals are genuinely tested. It's incredibly easy to take an honorable stance when it's hypothetical, but far less so when you're faced with it. That's not to say I doubt your morals or strength for one second...just that an 'in theory' opinion isn't the same as a 'I have to make this decision now' opinion.

And some of the people here that are saying "if you loved her, you'd trust and believe her" are also ignoring the reality of looking into someone's eyes and seeing clear as day that they're lying to you. When that happens, it doesn't matter how much you love them. You can still tell they're lying. Trusting someone is as much about your own level of security and trust as it is about the level they're telling you the truth. Just ask any of the people here at ENA that have caught their SO cheating. Seeing lies everywhere, even when they don't exist is a problem. But seeing a lie when you're being lied to is a different thing completely. The tricky thing is being able to recognise which is which.

Either way, kudos to the people that say they'd never snoop and I hope you never have to have those morals put to the test. And extra kudos to the people that were honest enough to say "Hell yeah I'd snoop. Where there's smoke there's fire" And camus154, your last post was awesome!

I couldn't agree more with camus. Morals and ethics are ideologies of a perfect world. It's certain not reality.

I also just don't think snooping is all that morally wrong. I know some people are really hard line about privacy, but let's face it people don't get into a relationship without an understanding that some level of privacy will be sacrificed.

We agree to disagree...That's cool...You're young..Give it a few years champ....Good Luck...This isn't a thread about when you trust someone. It's a thread about when you have gut feeling doubts but are not totally sure and perhaps are falling or are in love with them....Apples and oranges...Which is what I think some people here are getting mixed up on......