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Thread: Mistrust in a relationship. To snoop or not?

  1. #11
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    Agreed RedDress. Focus on the issues and don't be the one to risk breaking the trust.

    If you are willing to break their trust by checking on them, then you might as well give up on the relationship. Since you are so willing to lose the relationship anyway, why not just cut it off.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by ambigram
    "I could either trust her and maybe set myself up for much bigger heartache in the long run, or I could go with my gut and ditch her and run the risk of dumping an innocent woman."

    This what you said here is the meat of it all.....And there would be no way of finding the truth unless you snooped. There's an old saying that goes,"trust,but verify"...I'd much rather do a little snooping to verify than walk around wondering if I was with a cheater. And I'd much rather do a little snooping to verify instead of dumping someone that I love whom is trustworthy....
    If they are trustworthy don't snoop

  3. #13
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    I think that logically, yes, we can all say it's about trust and if you don't trust your partner, you have larger issues than snooping.

    I think that sounds great on paper. I think it has next to nothing to do with reality. Reality isn't quite so black and white. Reality is much more fluid and dynamic. Sometimes we grow suspicious because of past issues or circumstances. Sometimes we grow suspicious because we have a right to be. Sometimes we think something's going on but, you know--we're wrong.

    That's my problem with the "snooping is never, ever ever ok and if you don't trust your partner blah blah blah" logic. It doesn't allow for humans to be human. It doesn't acknowledge that we're often irrational, judgmental, needlessly insecure, that we make mistakes.

    I'm not saying this to rationalize snooping, I'm saying that oftentimes these ethical sorts of questions are fantastic thought experiments on paper, but have next to nothing to do with reality, when you really are confronted with a suspicion and you have the opportunity to snoop.

    Is it wrong to do so? Probably. Does that really have any practical bearing in real life? Not really. If you get suspicious for whatever reason and decide to snoop and find nothing--shame on you. You walk away with your tail between your legs feeling guilty, but also reassured. Was it wrong? Sure. Is it the end of the world? No. Does it mean you need to break up now because, hey, you obviously don't trust your partner? No, of course not. Again, things aren't as absolute in real life as we like to make them out to be. Now, of course, if you made snooping a habit, then you obviously have larger trust issues, but that goes without saying.

    But what if you only confirm the suspicions that made you snoop in the first place? What if you found out some definitive dirt? In that case, you better believe that you'd be relieved to find the proof you needed to end things, to move on, to save yourself time and wasted energy, etc. No one is going to sit there and lecture you that, you know, it's great you got out of an obviously bad situation, but you know it was still ethically wrong to snoop, right?

  4. #14
    Bronze Member ambigram's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CatchersRye
    If they are trustworthy don't snoop
    Exactly....But if something seems 'off',sometimes the only way to find out if they are trustworthy is to 'verify'....I don't even like to call it snooping....Same as some people put keyloggers on their childrens computers when they feel something is 'off'. It's to protect their loved ones. In this case I'd be protecting my loved one...Me....

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member ambigram's Avatar
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    These are actually the final words that need to be written on this subject because they are RIGHT on the mark!!!!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Bunney's Avatar
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    Agreed with camus! So tired of the lectures about morals and ethics- like said above, life isn't quite so black and white....

  8. #17
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    I agree with the general consensus of the replies on this forum. Snooping is wrong. Even if you think you've got a good reason to do it. Quite frankly, if the person who seems like they're cheating really loves the person they are with they will stop putting themselves in situations where their actions can be misconstrued like that. Open communication and the effort one puts into a relationship that they want to stay in will put an end to those conflicts. I recently was in a BU where my ex was really insecure about being with me. He kept telling me how I was the prettiest girl he'd ever been with and would freak out whenever I was hanging out with other dudes or sitting too close to them. So, to make him feel better, I made sure to keep my distance and reassure him that there was nothing going on. Does he need to snoop through my things to see if I'm cheating? Absolutely not. Because I loved him and I was invested in our relationship, I made sure that my actions could not be misinterpreted as cheating and kept open communication with him whenever he felt insecure. There is absolutely NO reason to snoop through someones personal business. If you can't communicate with the person you are with then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. That is my opinion.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by camus154
    That's my problem with the "snooping is never, ever ever ok and if you don't trust your partner blah blah blah" logic. It doesn't allow for humans to be human. It doesn't acknowledge that we're often irrational, judgmental, needlessly insecure, that we make mistakes.
    I really think it's personal and it comes down to a person's moral compass.

    I can only go by my own experiences. Have I ever been needlessly insecure? Sure. But if you are insecure ONCE, it shouldn't be enough to snoop. You give people the benefit of the doubt. If you are insecure MANY times, there are problems in the relationship.

    I've never regretted breaking up with an "innocent" person who treated me in ways that were less than straightforward...

    I agree that life is fluid - but there can be absolute lines that you choose not to cross, despite what happens. Hitting your partner is another example. YES - sometimes people make you mad. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes they kind of deserve a smack accross the head. But... you don't. You walk. Same can go for snooping - if you want it to.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Glowguy's Avatar
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    I agree that most people would probably snoop and I might if I had an easy opportunity. I do think think the relationship is essentially broken when things get to that point. What happens when you snoop and you don't find anything? Well that underlying mistrust is not going to go away so of course you are going to snoop again.... and again until you find proof. I think it's best to just trust your own perception of things and resist the temptation to snoop if you can. If you discuss things with your partner and things still seem off then end it right then and there. Even if they are innocent - you still aren't getting what you need out of the relationship.

    I think if I was married I would require some proof before taking steps for divorce so in that case I do think it is necessary to snoop to some degree.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member pinkelephant's Avatar
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    I snooped and found out he was cheating. Had no ideaaa. I knew the relationship was on the rocks, but didn't realize he was also cheating. It helped make my decision very easy.

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