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Best way to kill yourself? I'm fairly set on doing it and don't want to fail..


LulzSec

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Hello everyone.. I know we don't know each other but I'd like to take a moment to explain my situation to you, and then seek your assistance in what my course of action should be. I know this is going to be a huge wall of text, but I only ask that you take into SERIOUS consideration what I am going through, and subsequently advise accordingly, objectively and based on what you would do in the same shoes as me.

 

My name is V (not really but, Anonymity is essential for me in every aspect in my life.. and this is no different) about 5 years ago (I am 18 now) my life really started to go down hill.

 

I use to be very active, skateboarding, bike riding and daily adventures into the wilderness were my thing! Then one day at school, I made a terrible mistake. A soccer ball went over the fence, and into a forest surrounding the schools perimeter. So I went after it. Shortly after emerging from the woods, I developed a rash and swollen tongue. Fearing some kind of major allergic reaction to something encountered in the woods, I went home and to the doctors. That was the beginning of the end to a normal life...

 

As days went on, the rash persisted and the swollen tongue would come and go. As time passed these symptoms appeared to spread in strange ways. It wasn't long before the swollen tongue was gone, but my wrists and ankles/feet started to swell instead causing me to lose a lot of mobility and physical activity.

 

Then, the rash went away only to reappear with a vengance on my arms/legs (instead of my chest where it originally was). After consulting plenty of doctors they concluded I had allergies and started giving me weekly shots which did nothing.

 

Soon after being diagnosed with bad allergies, I started feeling CONSTANT pain in my extremities. My legs and arms started to feel like they were being chopped off, crushed by a truck and electrocuted all at the same time, along with the itchy rashes and extreme swelling. So the doctors did countless tests, looking for just about anything you can imagine.. even things that made no sense at all.. so, to their credit at least they tried.. I guess. However, at this point I could no longer do any of the physical activities/sports I use to and I was mainly confined to my room/computer... so their effort didn't, and still doesn't, mean a GOD DAMN thing to me.

 

Eventually (About a year or so into this evolving nightmare), I ended up being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. They basically said "You are going to be in agony for the rest of your life, we can't give you anything for it, all you can do is exercise.. now GTFO"

 

Since then (course of about 4 years), I have been diagnosed with: Reynauds Disease, A pretty bad Heart Arrhythmia, Scoliosis, Osteoarthritis in the neck, 2 mysterious lumps (I know one is in my spine, the other I forget) which have still not been identified as either malignant or otherwise... so that's fun, and a few other things like a very very severe sleep disorder. I would go into detail about those but.. I think I've already established that my body is a lemon so, no need. I will say though, that now I not only get to deal with the chronic leg/arm pain, but now my back constantly feels like it is completely asleep/being electrocuted as well. That is due to extreme nerve pain from Scoliosis/Osteoarthritis in my back.

 

I also on sleep on average about 2 - 3 hours a night due to my sleep disorder which has been going on for as long as I can remember, even before all the other medical issues started popping up. This has caused me to have very bad memory, patience and self control in terms of expressing anger. I will EXPLODE at almost anything that happens to me, provided I have some kind of justification... most times though, the justification for freaking out is pretty slim. My point was I don't go around yelling or freaking on people for nothing... but it doesn't take much to get me going these days. Thankfully, I have always had a good control on my physical actions. I am the only person in my house who has NEVER hit somebody outside of self defense (being hit first, or multiple times) which is funny because everyone in my house thinks IM the dangerous one.

 

I have thought about the long term implications of all these diagnosis' on my life, and I can honestly say that I will never accept being in pain like this, never. Especially without relief... which, by the way I have to get from a certain plant that puts me in risk for legal troubles. Just great! BUT that plant is the only thing that has ever even REMOTELY phased my pain (and I have been on hundreds of medications throughout the years.. maybe thousands. Not a single one has ever had any noticeable effect on my physical pain or depression).

 

Then, my entire family hates me. According to everybody I live with, I am the source of all evil/problems in the universe. With that said, I'm not exactly in a good atmosphere for support. To give you an idea, my Mother, step father, brother and step sister all use to tell me that I was faking my illnesses to get out of school and other responsibilities. They also try to demonize me about EVERYTHING, how loud I walk, (my legs are screwed beyond belief, causing me to walk loud and all they do is complain about it) how loud my music is ect ect. Everything I do is subject to criticism/attack from the rest of my family.

 

And, something I wanted to get off my chest was that recently my step father decided to assault me after an argument, he tried to choke me out and then tried to push me down a flight of stairs when I fought back (for getting out of the choke and punching him in the face.) I ended up calling the police, but like every other system in this world, they failed to do what is right/needed. Since then things have been very awkward, you could say it's almost all out war between me and most people in the house now.....

 

I am at the point now where I just stay in my room 100% of the time, depressed, angry, mad at the world, mad at myself and feeling very suicidal. All I have in life is my reptiles, my computer and my friends on the internet who have shown more genuine concern/care for me than my family ever has.

 

I have lost all my best friends too, for various reasons. I am kind of a misanthrope though so that doesn't bother me much... I just wish I had ONE person to talk to consistently in person... that's it. Besides that, everybody else who forces me to associate with them on a daily basis can rot for all I care.

 

Since things have started getting worse, I have been reading and researching possible ways out... I know that a methadone OD is a pretty easy way to go, or so I've heard.. and just wanted to know what you guys think about that? If I am going to kill myself soon, or eventually, I want to be sure I do it right, and not end up worse off. I am really afraid to do something really painful though.. so unless I had a gun, a lot of methadone, a lot of heroin or some other painless subconscious suicide plan, I don't think I'd do anything. But I want a plan in case I ever get to a point where I'm just 1000% done and I am going to kill myself anyways.. that way I wont have to do something grotesquely painful.

 

 

I have so so much more to say but I guess I'll end it there, any advise/opinions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for anybody willing to take time to assist.

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I don't have any of those illnesses and I'm sorry that you do, but i do understand why you want to kill yourself. I've been contemplating that myself quite alot lately...and want to do it the right way aswell. So I'm sorry i don't have any advice on how to do it right but i know the feeling of wanting to die.

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I don't have any of those illnesses and I'm sorry that you do, but i do understand why you want to kill yourself. I've been contemplating that myself quite alot lately...and want to do it the right way aswell. So I'm sorry i don't have any advice on how to do it right but i know the feeling of wanting to die.

 

Thanks for understanding, I know I am a good person, smart ect but I am just broken in every way possible... and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to fix even SOME of those issues... and even if I do, it would take 9 lives to fix everything and finally be content and happy with my condition/life. I just don't know what to do besides taking my life.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the same about taking your life, I truly am. All I can do is ask that you don't do it. I don't know your personality but I thought I'd say that my decision about suicide is about 50% me and 50% what I cannot control about me... What I'm saying is that as a person, you need to look at yourself as a whole and decide when the benefits of life are outweighed by the freedom of death. A lot of people take their life based on one insignificant thing pushing them over the edge. Don't let that happen to you.

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Is there any way you can leave the house and not live there? Can you get any kind of disability pension? I think you would at least start to feel better emotionally if you did not live in such a toxic environment. You can call Children's Aid and maybe they can help you about the assault, or Adult protective services. There is NO need whatsoever for you to live with people who assault you. None whatsoever. There is a very loving member of our forum who has Fibromyalgia and other conditions and would have A LOT of insight for you. Stress makes all the conditions you have listed worse. I think it would go a long way if you leave home.

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Is there any way you can leave the house and not live there? Can you get any kind of disability pension? I think you would at least start to feel better emotionally if you did not live in such a toxic environment. You can call Children's Aid and maybe they can help you about the assault, or Adult protective services. There is NO need whatsoever for you to live with people who assault you. None whatsoever. There is a very loving member of our forum who has Fibromyalgia and other conditions and would have A LOT of insight for you. Stress makes all the conditions you have listed worse. I think it would go a long way if you leave home.

 

I have been looking for a way to move out, unfortunately going on disability is my only option there.. and I'm not sure how that will work out due to Canada's red tape involved in the matter. I will definitely try though, I have often said/thought that if I could just get out of this house and into an independent situation I'd be a lot better off and may not be so inclined to kill myself, or get close to killing myself as I have before...

 

One of the only problems with moving out now, is that I have 5 snakes, 1 lizard and one cat but I have seen plenty of people move with an even bigger zoo so I'm not overly concerned in that regard.

 

Moving out is probably one of the last solutions available, so I am willing to try before doing something drastic.

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I am Canadian as well. Yes, you can probably get on disability. It takes time though. Are there any friends you can move in with? I would contact Children's Aid they may also be able to help you as you are only 18. I know you love your pets BUT your own life and sanity need saving. Know what I mean?

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I am Canadian as well. Yes, you can probably get on disability. It takes time though. Are there any friends you can move in with? I would contact Children's Aid they may also be able to help you as you are only 18. I know you love your pets BUT your own life and sanity need saving. Know what I mean?

 

That's good to hear, I'll see if I can make it happen then! I haven't even tried to get disability until now because I was put off by the uncertainty/ process in general, now I am much more willing to go through it though. Besides that, I don't have any friends I could live with honestly.. I don't even really have any close family to go live with, besides my uncle who I would LOVE to live with.. despite one problem.. he is the brother of my biological father, and they still see each other. If I ever saw my real father again, he would be dead.

 

I love my pets beyond what I can articulate, I often wonder how I am going to react when I lose my cat.. she is 12 years old and has been with me since she was a little kitten. Me and her have a very special bond and the same is true of my Reptiles. I don't think I could leave my pets, that would be the last straw. Then, i'd REALLY be completely alone.

 

Right now, I have nobody. Not a single person, even my friend who said she would help me through all of this has pretty much abandoned me, so if I had to give up my pets for any reason I'd really be done... they are the only beings I truly love and care for anymore, and they show the same back to me unconditionally. I can't get rid of that..

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It is possible to get disability. I would start the process. It can be a bit long though. My father is on disability and has been for years because of heart issues and severe mental health issues. I know it IS possible. You might get the run around but please keep plugging away at it. I would call CAS and Adult Protective Services and see what can be done. There is no way you should have to live where people assault you. You can also tell your dr you are being abused. You can ask the police to take you out of there.

 

I understand about your pets. Really. I know they provide you love but they can not protect you or feed you or pay your rent. You may not have to get rid of them, some places will allow them. Really search around. You may also be able to claim Welfare, have you checked into that?

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How would I go about even beginning the process? I am open to either welfare or disability really, I need my own source of income anyways at this point so I definitely need to get on it.

 

As far as the abuse, thankfully it is fairly rare that that kind of thing happens, still doesn't justify it or make it any better I guess. I'd have to really think about calling the police/CAS ect to have me removed... don't get me wrong, that's basically what I want but at the same time I don't know how I will be alone... I am very independent and all that, it just seems that everything I do or touch turns to * * * * instead of gold so I do worry about living alone or somewhere else where they don't have such a commitment to me.. My parents may hate me, but so long as they are considered my parents under law they are legally obliged to provide for me.

 

 

 

Sure! I don't bite I promise. Lol

 

Well, I am in a slightly better mood for some reason so here's a very random joke:

 

So a Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says: "You can't be in here.. you're sacrilegious!"

The Higgs Boson looks at the priest strangely and replies: "But how will you then have MASS, Noobs?"

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I glad your in a little better mood....I'm sure you have this link but, here it is again....see if you can talk to a person and if they aren't sure of something they can redirect you.

I wish you the best,Rosel

link removed

 

P.S. Hugs my friend

 

Thank you very much! I had seen that page before but never acted on it or anything (didn't call or email, nothing..) so I kind of forgot about it to be honest. I don't visit governmental websites of any kind, usually for good reason so I probably wouldn't have come accross that for some time.

 

Thanks again! You just made my day, with both posts

 

Now I have to figure out what to say, and then work up the courage to call... I am such an analytic person that simple things usually don't turn out very simple in my mind... sometimes it is a fault, other times a benefit... in this case, a fault. But I plan on giving them a call ASAP, I am really dying to know if I could receive assistance with my income.

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Hello, LulzSec. I had read through your OP, and I feel very terrible for you (about your friends leaving you and your family hating you), and I'm happy to hear that you feel better. I'm pretty sure you can get on disabilities. Tell them what you have. Tell them everything that you wrote in the op (with the execption of your family and friends).

 

And I like to ask a question...are you with Anon and 4Chan? I mean, I see that pic and you call yourself V and you call yourself LulzSec (Lulz Security)...Are you an Anon or with them? I really think thoes guys are pretty cool for what they do, and I was wondering if your part of that.

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Hello, LulzSec. I had read through your OP, and I feel very terrible for you (about your friends leaving you and your family hating you), and I'm happy to hear that you feel better. I'm pretty sure you can get on disabilities. Tell them what you have. Tell them everything that you wrote in the op (with the execption of your family and friends).

 

And I like to ask a question...are you with Anon and 4Chan? I mean, I see that pic and you call yourself V and you call yourself LulzSec (Lulz Security)...Are you an Anon or with them? I really think thoes guys are pretty cool for what they do, and I was wondering if your part of that.

 

Thank you very much! I appreciate the kind words beyond description. All the support from this thread alone has encouraged me to keep trying and I really really do appreciate it.

 

I think your suggestion to tell (Disability/Welfare) most of what I put in the OP is perfect, instead of trying to figure out what I am going to say, it has been right there in front of my face the whole time! LOL, I just didn't realize that until you said it. I was mainly concerned about disclosing my medical issues to them, due to the "invalidity" of my illnesses.. but then again it's not like I can say anything else right!

 

As for your (2nd) question, You have a good eye for Anons/Channers it seems xD not many people realize that quickly... you're right though, I have been around 4chan for roughly 8 years now (maybe 9? I forget exactly but it's been ages) I also recently decided to become more involved with Anonymous, LulzSec and AntiSec. I love that you see the good in Anon, because most people think we are terrorists. Which is far from the truth.

 

As for exactly HOW I am involved, that is classified

 

 

Thanks again!

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Your welcome. I love helping people. Yeah, your medical issues are right there in the op.

 

I've seen the Anons and LulzSec on CNN and other places protesting at Wall Street,and the like, since the beginning. I really do have respect for you guys and the...'stuff' you guys do. I don't post on 4Chan, but maybe I should...but I don't know. I've been on 4Chan once or twice and right now I'm looking at the Chris-Chan (CWCki) page that Anon (or Chris-Chan himself) or whoever put up...that's the funniest thing that I've seen by far. I would so love to help you guys but I'm not that good at the 'things' you guys do.

 

I certainly understand that that's classified.

 

Would it be ok to e-mail you?

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Hello,

 

My goodness what a life. I feel for you as I'm sure most of us do, not out of pity mind you but that it limits activities many of us take for granted. You write well, rational and to the point. I have no answer for you. I am product of the US military and I have some idea of suicidal thoughts and activities but I can say this; sometimes just hanging on a little bit longer makes all the difference.

 

I wish you much luck and good wishes and although I don't know what to say or if I should say anything, towards making you feel better, know that I read your missive and you are not alone.

 

MPo

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You say that you're in Canada, correct? Don't you guys have better access to Health Care? Maybe not the exact European model, but can't you just go see another doctor about what you have or can't you see another one or do you think they can't really do anything?

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Your welcome. I love helping people. Yeah, your medical issues are right there in the op.

 

I've seen the Anons and LulzSec on CNN and other places protesting at Wall Street,and the like, since the beginning. I really do have respect for you guys and the...'stuff' you guys do. I don't post on 4Chan, but maybe I should...but I don't know. I've been on 4Chan once or twice and right now I'm looking at the Chris-Chan (CWCki) page that Anon (or Chris-Chan himself) or whoever put up...that's the funniest thing that I've seen by far. I would so love to help you guys but I'm not that good at the 'things' you guys do.

 

I certainly understand that that's classified.

 

Would it be ok to e-mail you?

 

Yeah I was actually thinking about pretending I haven't received a diagnosis(') yet, but that wouldn't be smart so best to be honest and hope they don't laugh at me I guess haha!

 

Thanks for the support by the way! Anonymous has been the driving force behind 95% of all major civil rights movements around the world since 2011 I'd say.. Sadly the media has done a good job at convincing the public otherwise.. In most cases anyways, the exception would be RT News and some independent media on youtube. If we could get the real truth out there I believe a LOT more people would join our side.

 

Fortunately, you don't really have to be a computer wiz to assist or "join" Anonymous (there is no joining really, everyone is Anonymous and Anonymous is everyone. No joining system, no ranking system, no leadership.) many participants are video editors, script writers (for press releases), protest organizers ect. The positions you could fill are limitless, there is a place for anybody really! Usually what you are most skilled in is what you would do and then expand from there.

 

If you want, you can get involved on 4chan which usually leads to Anon contacts, that is a very good place to start if you are interested no doubt! Just be careful.. especially on /B/ lol. A lot of people get viruses from there and all kind of other nasty things, but that is usually due to their actions like clicking unsafe links ect.

 

If you like CWCki, you will love 4chan. Very similar humor/memes and all that. It would feel like being on CWCki most of the time

 

Feel free to email me any time, I look forward to speaking with you!

 

Thanks again my friend!

 

 

Hello,

 

My goodness what a life. I feel for you as I'm sure most of us do, not out of pity mind you but that it limits activities many of us take for granted. You write well, rational and to the point. I have no answer for you. I am product of the US military and I have some idea of suicidal thoughts and activities but I can say this; sometimes just hanging on a little bit longer makes all the difference.

 

I wish you much luck and good wishes and although I don't know what to say or if I should say anything, towards making you feel better, know that I read your missive and you are not alone.

 

MPo

 

You took the words right out of my mouth, my goodness.. what a life! LOL

 

I know I thank people too often, but seriously thank you so much! Nobody ever thinks about how these types of illness would effect them and the physical activities they take for granted, they only see a person who has nothing externally injured/hurting, so they must not be in pain at all right?

 

It sickens me when people have that attitude, and honestly it is very refreshing to see somebody who recognizes that!

 

I'd like to thank you again for your service, I have an insane amount of respect and honor for the brave men and women around the world who take up arms for their country, to fight for what is right and just. For that nobody could thank you enough. And although you may not know how to advise me or even what to say, know that your kindness and support means a great deal to me, especially from somebody of your background.

 

Thanks again MPo!!

 

 

You say that you're in Canada, correct? Don't you guys have better access to Health Care? Maybe not the exact European model, but can't you just go see another doctor about what you have or can't you see another one or do you think they can't really do anything?

 

Yep, in Canada! Unfortunately, while our healthcare system is pretty good it has it's flaws. Long waiting times aren't really an issue, from what I've seen its more of a lack of motivation on the doctors part. They don't seem to have the drive to really figure anything out.. it's really sad. I have been through hundreds of doctors throughout the years.. and I can't distinguish a single one of them as any more useful than the others (regardless of what field they are in, arthritics, psychological therapy ect)

 

Unless you are about to die, then they got it figured out pronto!

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Oh you poor thing. What a terribly difficult situation. How could you be angry at YOURSELF? NO ONE should have to deal with ANY of this. I've had mysterious illnesses that have persisted for the past two years, and have been totally disappointed by doctor after doctor. I quickly learned, as I am sure that you have yourself, that our mental well being is greatly linked to our physical well being, and when one doesn't work, the other quickly follows in dysfunction.

 

That being said... I found that for me, as Victoria said, stress makes everything worse. Learning to deal with my stress has been key. I have also been suicidal... all throughout my life. Since I can remember being alive I've thought about killing myself. About a year ago, I got so angry at my life, at myself, at everything, that I felt like the protagonist in L'Etranger... basically the character sees flashes of red and lighting in his head and just goes blank. I would get so angry at such tiny things, like the sound of a professor's voice, that I would break things, or start crying hysterically.

 

I basically reached an impasse in my life where I realized that I couldn't continue living that way. Something obviously needed to change. I think it's so wonderful that you have animals... sometimes it's true that we love our animals more than a lot of humans adn they love us more than a lot of humans love us too... ha!

 

I found that for me, alternative medicines, acupuncture, and herbal remedies, basically holistic approaches to illness and the body as opposed to symptom treating pills, were much more positive in my life. I started meditating, and it changed my life. Really... meditation helps you find peace inside of you, despite everything that's going on. If you could somehow get involved with a meditation community, that would be such a positive thing for you. People are so giving, and receptive, and accepting... You need and deserve support. It sounds like you feel alone. Can you talk to you uncle even if you can't live with him? If not, can you see a psychologist? You need someone in your life who is giving you positive reinforcement.

 

When we are surrounded by people who don't understand us, or who don't like us even, we start to see ourselves through their eyes. It's hard not to take their own projections of our "self" into consideration... soon their interpretation of who we are, becomes our own. If you have someone in your life who sees the beauty in you and can affirm that, you will begin to see it to... on the other hand, if there isn't someone in your life like that, then it's time for you to start giving yourself credit for your good qualities.

 

Try reiki, try crazy mystic healing techniques. You never know! This illness is not fair... but some of the most famous and inspiring people in this world are famous and inspiring because they have managed to overcome INSANELY difficult physical impediments: Helen Keller, Winston Churchill (bipolar), FDR, Lautrec...

 

These people turned their suffering into something beautiful, and you can do that too... you can see a part of life that most people don't see. You are experiencing something that most people will never experience. What is that like? Share your story. Share your voice. Other people like you who are suffering will be so relieved to have an example to follow... an inspiration. If you don't want to share your voice or that's not your calling, find someone who's suffered like you and allow them to inspire you...

 

You are a beautiful human being, who deserves love. If no one else is giving it to you, give it to yourself. And I hope that in this message you feel the love that I feel for you right now. I'm routing for you! Make your life into what you want it to be...

 

I'm allowed to say cliché things because I have depression and have struggled with this stuff for forever! HA!

 

You know, writing advice on this site actually makes me feel really good. Sharing my story makes me feel really good. The idea of helping someone makes me feel really good and makes me feel connected. Have you looked at other peoples stories and given your advice? I bet you have a LOT of seriously insightful and valuable advice to offer, and so many people would be grateful to hear your point of view.

 

You're precious. Don't forget. Life is precious. Don't forget that either. It might not be much, but it's all that we have.

 

Lots of love and warm thoughts! Sorry this is so long!

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I'll e-mail you later on tonight about some stuff and 4Chan. I really love ED, too. Yeah, the news and the Federal Government make you guys look like you're the Underground Weathermen, from the late 60's, or something. I mean, you guys are like that guy from Wikileaks, just trying to show what is really going on. Maybe I will post on 4Chan and help out as best as I can with Anon.

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Im so sorry that you are having such a hard time lulzsec. Your name caught my eye because my friend was one of the five lads in lulzsec which got caught for the hacking but thats for another day.. You must be in such intense pain and i emphatise with you I dont reccommed suicide even though i wish i could pop my clogs right now my life is so s**t but i though i would mention swizterland (sorry prob spelled wrong) they do a proceedure to put people to sleep who are in severe pain and have chronic diseases maybe in the future if life gets soooo bad you could do that? I really dont recommend suicide though but this is different this is a humane way which is painless. If you wana talk pm me =]

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