Hello everyone.. I know we don't know each other but I'd like to take a moment to explain my situation to you, and then seek your assistance in what my course of action should be. I know this is going to be a huge wall of text, but I only ask that you take into SERIOUS consideration what I am going through, and subsequently advise accordingly, objectively and based on what you would do in the same shoes as me.
My name is V (not really but, Anonymity is essential for me in every aspect in my life.. and this is no different) about 5 years ago (I am 18 now) my life really started to go down hill.
I use to be very active, skateboarding, bike riding and daily adventures into the wilderness were my thing! Then one day at school, I made a terrible mistake. A soccer ball went over the fence, and into a forest surrounding the schools perimeter. So I went after it. Shortly after emerging from the woods, I developed a rash and swollen tongue. Fearing some kind of major allergic reaction to something encountered in the woods, I went home and to the doctors. That was the beginning of the end to a normal life...
As days went on, the rash persisted and the swollen tongue would come and go. As time passed these symptoms appeared to spread in strange ways. It wasn't long before the swollen tongue was gone, but my wrists and ankles/feet started to swell instead causing me to lose a lot of mobility and physical activity.
Then, the rash went away only to reappear with a vengance on my arms/legs (instead of my chest where it originally was). After consulting plenty of doctors they concluded I had allergies and started giving me weekly shots which did nothing.
Soon after being diagnosed with bad allergies, I started feeling CONSTANT pain in my extremities. My legs and arms started to feel like they were being chopped off, crushed by a truck and electrocuted all at the same time, along with the itchy rashes and extreme swelling. So the doctors did countless tests, looking for just about anything you can imagine.. even things that made no sense at all.. so, to their credit at least they tried.. I guess. However, at this point I could no longer do any of the physical activities/sports I use to and I was mainly confined to my room/computer... so their effort didn't, and still doesn't, mean a GOD DAMN thing to me.
Eventually (About a year or so into this evolving nightmare), I ended up being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. They basically said "You are going to be in agony for the rest of your life, we can't give you anything for it, all you can do is exercise.. now GTFO"
Since then (course of about 4 years), I have been diagnosed with: Reynauds Disease, A pretty bad Heart Arrhythmia, Scoliosis, Osteoarthritis in the neck, 2 mysterious lumps (I know one is in my spine, the other I forget) which have still not been identified as either malignant or otherwise... so that's fun, and a few other things like a very very severe sleep disorder. I would go into detail about those but.. I think I've already established that my body is a lemon so, no need. I will say though, that now I not only get to deal with the chronic leg/arm pain, but now my back constantly feels like it is completely asleep/being electrocuted as well. That is due to extreme nerve pain from Scoliosis/Osteoarthritis in my back.
I also on sleep on average about 2 - 3 hours a night due to my sleep disorder which has been going on for as long as I can remember, even before all the other medical issues started popping up. This has caused me to have very bad memory, patience and self control in terms of expressing anger. I will EXPLODE at almost anything that happens to me, provided I have some kind of justification... most times though, the justification for freaking out is pretty slim. My point was I don't go around yelling or freaking on people for nothing... but it doesn't take much to get me going these days. Thankfully, I have always had a good control on my physical actions. I am the only person in my house who has NEVER hit somebody outside of self defense (being hit first, or multiple times) which is funny because everyone in my house thinks IM the dangerous one.
I have thought about the long term implications of all these diagnosis' on my life, and I can honestly say that I will never accept being in pain like this, never. Especially without relief... which, by the way I have to get from a certain plant that puts me in risk for legal troubles. Just great! BUT that plant is the only thing that has ever even REMOTELY phased my pain (and I have been on hundreds of medications throughout the years.. maybe thousands. Not a single one has ever had any noticeable effect on my physical pain or depression).
Then, my entire family hates me. According to everybody I live with, I am the source of all evil/problems in the universe. With that said, I'm not exactly in a good atmosphere for support. To give you an idea, my Mother, step father, brother and step sister all use to tell me that I was faking my illnesses to get out of school and other responsibilities. They also try to demonize me about EVERYTHING, how loud I walk, (my legs are screwed beyond belief, causing me to walk loud and all they do is complain about it) how loud my music is ect ect. Everything I do is subject to criticism/attack from the rest of my family.
And, something I wanted to get off my chest was that recently my step father decided to assault me after an argument, he tried to choke me out and then tried to push me down a flight of stairs when I fought back (for getting out of the choke and punching him in the face.) I ended up calling the police, but like every other system in this world, they failed to do what is right/needed. Since then things have been very awkward, you could say it's almost all out war between me and most people in the house now.....
I am at the point now where I just stay in my room 100% of the time, depressed, angry, mad at the world, mad at myself and feeling very suicidal. All I have in life is my reptiles, my computer and my friends on the internet who have shown more genuine concern/care for me than my family ever has.
I have lost all my best friends too, for various reasons. I am kind of a misanthrope though so that doesn't bother me much... I just wish I had ONE person to talk to consistently in person... that's it. Besides that, everybody else who forces me to associate with them on a daily basis can rot for all I care.
Since things have started getting worse, I have been reading and researching possible ways out... I know that a methadone OD is a pretty easy way to go, or so I've heard.. and just wanted to know what you guys think about that? If I am going to kill myself soon, or eventually, I want to be sure I do it right, and not end up worse off. I am really afraid to do something really painful though.. so unless I had a gun, a lot of methadone, a lot of heroin or some other painless subconscious suicide plan, I don't think I'd do anything. But I want a plan in case I ever get to a point where I'm just 1000% done and I am going to kill myself anyways.. that way I wont have to do something grotesquely painful.
I have so so much more to say but I guess I'll end it there, any advise/opinions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for anybody willing to take time to assist.