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Thread: He says hes not ready for a relationship

  1. #1
    confusedlonely
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    He says hes not ready for a relationship

    I apologise in advance for the length of this post!

    I have a friend who I've known for a little over a year. We've not been close until recently. A couple of months ago, he was having a rough time. He lost his job, he had to move back in with his parents (aged 2 and he was having problems with his girlfriend of four years. I helped him through all this, and for about 3 weeks helped him deal with his awful girlfriend. During this time I started to develop strong feelings for him. I felt our relationship was maybe not appropriate as we were very close, but since nothing 'happened' with him, I shrugged it off. After a few weeks, his girlfriend broke up with him. He was pretty devestated for a week or so, but he seemed to get over the worst of it pretty quickly and started putting serious effort into getting his life back on track.

    Since he broke up with his girlfriend, we have stayed at each others houses a number of times, sharing a bed, cuddled up together, but no sex. There have been a few occasions where we've ended up kissing but nothing more. We'd talked about it and said we had feelings for each other but that he was still grieving his relationship and we didnt want to ruin a truly amazing friendship for a relationship that might not work out.

    Over this time we've developed a really close and intense friendship where we talk extensively almost everyday and spend a lot of time together and we've opened up about things from our personal life that neither of us have shared before. I've really never felt that close to anyone. As I mentioned before he's also had to move back in with his parents and I've developed a good relationship with his parents and sister as well - ive never felt so welcomed by anyone in my life!

    This has been fine for me. I've stressed about it a little, but in all honesty, I've found it quite nice to have the comfort and closeness I'd get from a boyfriend without any of the commitment or complication involved.

    Until last week. Last week, a girl asked for his number and theyve been chatting. He's met up with her once and says nothing happened as he's "not ready to get involved with anyone". I'd kept quiet about it and tried to bury my head in the sand. But on Saturday, he was asking for my advice on it and I just snapped. I said I couldnt deal with this, that he knew how I felt about him and that I thought it was really insensitive for him to be talking about 'some girl', when I've been there for him, been his friend and confidant. He was really shocked when I came out with this and said he had no idea I felt so strongly. I said that I'd deliberatly tried to keep my feelings at bay because I knew he wasnt ready to get involved with anyone and I think he's right to stay single while he gets his life back on track. I left him in his room and went home to avoid crying in front of him. But I got in my car and just sobbed and sobbed.

    The next day, he called me and asked if we could meet up and talk. He said that if going out with this girl (or any other girl) would mean losing me, then he'd pick me every time. that I had helped him more than anyone ever has, that I've shown him what friendship and support truly are and that he'd do anything to keep me in his life. So I went to see him and we talked.

    I said about this girl that I just cannot stand the thought of him with someone else, it makes me feel sick to my stomach and I was obviously on the verge of tears when I was saying this. He said that I've never said anything remotely like that before the day before and he had no idea I felt so strongly. We carried on talking and he said that he was just not ready for a relationship and said 'but you know how I feel about you'. I said 'I DONT know how you feel about me, you never say!' and he looked really surprised and said 'well I love you.. I'm in love with you'. At which I promtly burst into tears.

    So now I'm more confused than ever. He maintains that he's not ready for a relationship but I dont understand how he can be saying that he's in love with me if he doesnt want to be with me! I was hoping someone else could just offer their insight. Brutal honesty is welcomed.

  2. #2
    spirit seeking
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    I'm in a similar circumstance, but I guess there are important differences. I'm a man my friend is a woman. I'm on year two of my separation. She is on year one. However, we have been talking months before her separation. And we got very close. Talking every day. There was a lot of sex, and now a year later, she is saying that she is not ready for a relationship. She's actually been saying this all along. But, now, I had to let her go. I agree she needs some time to be alone. The thought of her being with someone else is killing me, but I think she should be with other men. Or be alone. She needs time to heal. No commitments. Just be. If we happen again in the future great. But if she finds someone else, then that's great for her too. Don't get me wrong, I am fighting with every fiber of my being to stop myself from just constantly calling her or texting her, but that's just going to make things worst. Besides, I think the greatest gift I can give her right now, is the time to find herself. I do love her enough for that. I'm not that selfish. Think of it like this. If he is emotionally not there right now, then this new girl will just get an emotional empty person. Do you want to be that woman? Or do you want all of him? Wait, be patient. Let him find himself again, and then if he loves you, truly loves you, he'll come back. I know I would. I'm waiting. because I truly love her. If I'm a fool for waiting, then so be it. I know exactly what I want, and I'm waiting. Working on myself in the meantime.

  3. #3
    charity
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    i'm sorry.... but i just don't believe him. he says he's in love with you. he knows you are in love with him. but he's confiding in you about another girl... and he won't commit to you? it sounds maybe he loves you as a friend and doesn't want to lose the friendship.

  4. #4
    Batya33
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    It's the one exception to watch the feet (the actions) more than the lips (the words). If a person says he does not want a relationship silently add the two words "with me" and believe him and move on. You can assume that a person who saw any potential for a relationship wouldn't be foolish enough to let that special person think otherwise and would never risk losing that person to another guy (or woman depending on who said it!). He doesn't want to be with you in a relationship. He might have strong feelings for you but you're not his therapist or his mother so the reasons why don't really matter. All that matters is he's being honest enough not to lead you on. Listen to what he says, and move on.

  5. #5
    GetOverItPlz
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    My situation is similar. I was with a girl whom I truly love. We had been out of contact for a while, but met back up about a year ago. She was going through a separation and I was there. Got closer. And closer. Month ago she told me she needs to be single. I understand. You can't go from married with kids to back on lock work a new guy. Too much. So I have to let her go.

    If it is love and we can try again, I would love to, but until then you HAVE to move on.

    That doesn't mean date other men if you don't want. Or be with other men. It means make your life better.
    “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

  6. #6
    annie24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Batya33 [Register to see the link]
    It's the one exception to watch the feet (the actions) more than the lips (the words). If a person says he does not want a relationship silently add the two words "with me" and believe him and move on. You can assume that a person who saw any potential for a relationship wouldn't be foolish enough to let that special person think otherwise and would never risk losing that person to another guy (or woman depending on who said it!). He doesn't want to be with you in a relationship. He might have strong feelings for you but you're not his therapist or his mother so the reasons why don't really matter. All that matters is he's being honest enough not to lead you on. Listen to what he says, and move on.
    yeah, I agree. best to walk away right now before you get hurt anymore.

  7. #7
    mhowe
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    Quote Originally Posted by Batya33 [Register to see the link]
    It's the one exception to watch the feet (the actions) more than the lips (the words). If a person says he does not want a relationship silently add the two words "with me" and believe him and move on. You can assume that a person who saw any potential for a relationship wouldn't be foolish enough to let that special person think otherwise and would never risk losing that person to another guy (or woman depending on who said it!). He doesn't want to be with you in a relationship. He might have strong feelings for you but you're not his therapist or his mother so the reasons why don't really matter. All that matters is he's being honest enough not to lead you on. Listen to what he says, and move on.
    Batya nailed it -- if he wanted a relationship with you, he would not have brought up another woman he might be interested in. He views you as a friend, and now that you have told him you have feelings for him -- he doesn't want to lose the friendship. But the love he feels for you is not a romantic one. And because you feel the way you do, friendship is out of the question --- witness your tears/nausea at him talking about other women. Time to let go.

  8. #8
    Angel Irulan
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    He knows you aren't his Miss Right. Be grateful and move on. You could waste years on a guy like this and then find out that he's suddenly engaged to someone else. (That's happened to two of my friends!) You found out your hopes and wishes were out of bounds, but really, would you want to date a guy who clung to you while breaking up with someone else????

    Angel

  9. #9
    Popsicle5
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    From my experience, when a guy says he isn't ready for a relationship it means one of two things:

    1. He isn't ready for a relationship (guys are pretty simple to read)
    2. He isn't ready for a relationship with you.

    If he says he loves you, don't question that. There's no time for that and you're just tormenting yourself. Be happy. If it turns out down the road he doesn't in fact, deal with it then. He says he loves you, he's showing that by not going out with another girl. If you hadn't expressed your feelings before this point, it's totally fair for him to have talked with other girls, because he didn't know.

    Now that he knows it's a different story. See how it develops. Give it time. If he loves you, and you love him, then things will work out. You won't need to worry about it or force them. If it's not meant to be, you'll know that eventually too. For now, be happy that the person you love says he loves you too, and live it up a little

    I don't like the idea of people telling you to break up with someone they don't know. A relationship is between two people. I know I get very sensitive when people say things like that to me... we don't know what's going on behind closed doors. You do, and he does. Go with your gut. Love is about risks. If you love him, risk believing him. Don't throw him out before you know what's what!

    If you get hurt... well that's the contract we sign when we decide to share out love with someone, and you'll move on, and find someone who can reciprocate. If you don't, and he is being sincere, well then you've just stumbled upon something really genuine and beautiful.

    Time. Give it time love!

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