Does the initial "high" the dumper feels eventually wear off?

My ex and I broke up about two weeks ago. We dated for close to three years and for 90% of the time we had a great relationship. There was no dysfunction, no disrespect, always affectionate loving, blah blah blah, we both saw being together for the "long haul" and up until literally days before he broke up with me, we were staring into each others eyes and he was giggling like an idiot and kept kissing me. 4 days later it was done.

 

Although we had a good relationship, there were things that had been nagging him. Not about the relationship per say, but his life. Struggling with money, career, living at home, no car, feelings of wanting to be independent (hasn't been single his entire 20's) feelings of not knowing who he is, what his hobbies are, feelings of just wanting to be "selfish" and only worry about himself at this time so he can fix himself and his life.

 

I love him and care about him very much, so I let him go. I can't force him to want to be with me when he wants to spread his wings and fly, but at the same time he was telling me he still loves me, and it's because he loves me so much that he has to let me go, but this doesn't mean forever, and he can see us coming together again.

 

Despite those "hopes" and despite the fact I know he still loves me, I'm so upset. I also agreed with him that I thought that right now we needed to be apart, and that I would love if down the line we had a fresh start, and he completely agreed. Despite THOSE "hopes" I'm still so upset. I guess I'm feeling irrational because I want instantaneous results and I know that's not going to happen. I would love to be with him, the him that I knew before his nagging thoughts came into play.

 

Anyway, I deleted him on Facebook, I did it the same day. I didn't beg or plead, and I went directly into NC. It's been two weeks now, and I am going out with friends, and doing new things, and plan on moving into my own apartment within the month. However we have so many mutual friends, and I went to wish someone a happy birthday and I happened to see that he posted a comment on that friend's page. He was all "!!" and "It's gonna be some week! Can't wait!!" And my heart just dropped. He seems happy. He seems to be doing just fine, even though two weeks ago he said that he's never been this sad, and everything will work out the way it's supposed to but it "really hurts right now." Is he truly happy? Is he covering up his pain? I was gutted at the thought of him just being so thrilled and in love with life right now. I obviously don't want him to be moping around and depressed but I mean... some emotion. Anything.

 

When he was ending it, he was saying he needs to find himself, and just "get out there and 'do'" and I guess that's exactly what he's doing. And I guess it's much better that he dove head first right into it instead of moping around for weeks, but it still hurts.

 

I'm truly hoping that because we had an amicale breakup, and I never pushed or begged or was pathetic or crazy, and have remained "friendly" and that he's truly taking steps to figure his life out, that he may come back sooner rather than later.

 

I guess I really don't have a question here. Just a long vent. Any feedback would be great.

I believe at some points the 'high' of being single subsides...usually when something bad or negative happens. I am sure he misses you ...and I understand why you would feel this way. I think it's normal.

Yes the "high" does wear off, he's basically trying so hard to be someone he's not and reality will bite he's bum soon enough,

My ex did the same thing even kissed a guy right infront of me at a club and added every guy I know on facebook, Now I finally woke upto myself and realised that I dont need that!!

but what I suggest for you to do is to block him so you dont see anything from him, it will be the best thing you could do!!

Is this all about a Facebook post? I kind of think it is. This is exactly the reason you deleted him from FB, btw. Because you are going to take every little thing he says, over analyze it and come up with (often wrong) conclusions. What did you want him to write? "ok... I'll be there, sniff, sniff. But I really miss my ex". Lol! I'm teasing you a little but... I mean... really.

 

Personally, I think all of the "hopes" are counter-productive. Even if you two are to get back together, you really need to move on with your life. And how fair is it to the next guy if you are secretly waiting to get back with your ex? Those hopes may feel good right now... but they are strings tying you back from your future. I think you should cut them.

 

In the meantime, don't kill yourself thinking that his life is all peachy and perfect without you. He's just not going to post his woes all over someone's Facebook wall. And even if you see pics of him being happy... people put on a brave face.

 

Concentrate on you (not him) and you will be fine...

I really am trying to focus on myself, but every damn thing in life reminds me of him. Everything. Sights, smells, places, it's just everywhere. He won't even leave my dreams. I want to try and move on, but I can't even think of "the next guy." I have no desire to be with anyone else at all. And plus I've dated a lot. I've had probably 10 boyfriends in my life, and of those, only 2 did I have any connection with, and only 1 did I truly love (the ex). I see what's out there, and the thought of now being single again at 28 when (not even joking) every single person I know is engaged, already married, having kids, buying homes, and just living a very settled life. I'm in no way ready for kids, but I'm so past the "lets go out and get wasted at the club!!" stage. That's what I did last night and I just became so overwhelmed and I wanted nothing more than to be back in the calm bubble with my ex where we were happy and done with that BS. All I saw last night were guys trying way too hard to get laid, blow-outs, Affliction shirts, fist pumpers, I just felt so sick. The first few days after I became single I had some "friend" come up to me and say that if I ever wanted to "hang" (he used some other terminology) that he would worship my body like the dome of the rock. I mean PLEASE. That was so degrading and I'm pretty sure that's how most people view me. (I'm attractive). Just as some piece of ass that's now single.

Also, why is he suddenly ALL over Facebook? The main reason I deleted him was because I didn't want to look at all the pictures we had together. But he was never active on Facebook. Rarely a status, never made comments, only the occasional "like", rarely changed his photo... now two weeks after the breakup he's on it like white on rice. He has "liked" virtually everyone's status, has changed photos, is posting about how excited he is about things coming up in life... commenting on other people's profiles... what is the point? I really don't get it.

Just remember that Fakebook is a projection of a life, not the actual life. You can see what a person types , not what is actualy going on, or what they are thinking. When we are trying to heal it is probably one of the worst things we can look at. Even if we have them and all mutual friends deleted, it's a painful reminder of the past. Loads of people , newly single, seem to start posting all over the place afterwards. I took the drastic action of de-activating mine nearly 3 months ago, sooner or later I would have seen something horrible , or had friends tell me stuff that would make my ears bleed.

 

It's nice to feel connected, but not at the expense of my mental health. Try and at least not log on if it is causing you problems. Real friends can easilly contact you properly

Glad I'm not a girl! lol.

 

Meatball... you just said something that really made me think about my own situation.

 

I have always been an old soul. My ex has been going to clubs a lot lately (she's 26, I'm 25) since we broke up and I think she just needs to get that out of her system. She ended up married with a kid at 24 (is now divorced, of course) and I imagine she just needs that. I did all that nonsense when I was in college and now I just want a nice quiet Saturday night with a girl I love.

 

Not everyone moves at the same pace. So just be happy you can live your life. Move forward, love yourself.. and honestly, reading your story, you couldn't have done ANYTHING better. You didn't beg or plead (I did). You didn't try to convince (I did). At least you can move forward with no regrets. Be strong and if it's meant to be, it will. If it's not... you'll know it wouldn't have worked out in the first place.

 

That is SUCH a cliché thing to say, I know.. but it's very true. The reason I believe this is true is simple- if he comes back to you, it is demonstrative of the quality of your love. If he doesn't.. imagine staying with him another 5 years and this happening? We really win either way!

He will be part of everything you see for a while. I was on the other side of the story, I broke up with my ex of 4 years. It was a couple arguments then a few weeks later I ended it. The other side is the same, except he probably feels worse. He will doubt his decision for a very long time. Facebook, though most use it, is often people needing attention, with pointless status updates, random pictures of partying all it says is "look at me". He didn't use to use facebook before because he didn't need to, he didn't need the attention from the x amount of "friend".

 

Don't hope that you two will end up back together, yes be open to it if the situation arises. Live your life the way you want to live it right now, take care of yourself, do some soul searching, find things that make you happy, develop who you are because some of it was lost over the three years. Be the best you possible, for you.

You are right. I did EVERYTHING I could to make this a great relationship. It was always give and take, and I know without a doubt I more than held up my end of the bargain. Even some guy friends have been like, "He'd be an idiot not to come back, I know you and I know what's out there... you're one of the rare girls." I also know that I went out extremely gracefully and there's not one thing I could look back on and say, "woops, I definitely messed up and could have done better." So I know I can sleep at night and at peace with that fact.

 

I know he's not at the same place I am... I think he thought he was but I think he got cold feet and was questioning things. He did say a lot of the stereotypical things that guys say when breaking up with a girl, but knowing him and his situations, he's being completely truthful, even though what he was saying was so cliche. He's truly never been single, and just wants to be by himself. Maybe he just needs this time to grow and get whatever he needs to get out of his system.

 

From a guy's perspective though, how great is the single life anyway? I was talking to a friend, and he was like... honestly he probably won't have all that much fun. That initially it will feel great, that's he's free and can do whatever he wants, but after a few weeks, he'll be feeling a bit lonely. He really doesn't have single friends. They're all engaged at this point, and we've been to quite a few weddings. So everyone's really tied down and going to that next stage of life. If he's looking for the college life, he's sadly missed out. Plus, he works 24/7!

I do want to hold one smidgen of hope, because I do thing we can come together down the line, but at the same time I'm not just sitting around waiting. If you doubted your decision for a very long time, did you ever get back in contact with your ex?

Do you honestly want to be with a guy who is willing to risk losing you by being apart? You could date anyone right now, and meet someone who you want to be with more than him. That should be his fear, and it isn't.

 

If a facebook post affected you this much, then maybe you should chill out on the facebook posts and just call someone directly if it's her bday, etc.

 

Move on like he's never coming back. Holding on to hope will just put your own life on hold.

Do you honestly want to be with a guy who is willing to risk losing you by being apart? You could date anyone right now, and meet someone who you want to be with more than him. That should be his fear, and it isn't.

 

If a facebook post affected you this much, then maybe you should chill out on the facebook posts and just call someone directly if it's her bday, etc.

 

Move on like he's never coming back. Holding on to hope will just put your own life on hold.

 

That's the risk he took. I've read a lot on here, and his situation is that right now he honestly just can't be in a relationship. Not even with just me, with anyone. He is acknowledging he was being selfish by staying with me, because he couldn't fully give himself to me at this point. I think a lot of people don't have the courage to actually do the right thing, rather they stay and hurt the person even further down the line. He really does need to just fix himself, and get himself straight. I love him enough to let him go to spread his wings. He needs that, he really does. This breakup absolutely needed to happen, I do know that. I know he doesn't love the idea of me being with anyone else, but he said he needed to do what was right, for both of us right now. I kind of thing he was really mature in this aspect, that he realized what he needed to do and what was right. Of course I could go out and date and meet someone so much better, but if you read the other posts in this thread, I've been out there. I see what's out there, I see what's out there by observing my friends and their relationships, by going out with my friends, and by all the dating, and relationships I've been in through my life. I currently have no desire to date, or to even jump into anything. There are things I need to work on myself, and someone else said it here, I've lost myself in the 3 years we dated. I need to get that back and focus on my own life.

That's the risk he took. I've read a lot on here, and his situation is that right now he honestly just can't be in a relationship. Not even with just me, with anyone. He is acknowledging he was being selfish by staying with me, because he couldn't fully give himself to me at this point. I think a lot of people don't have the courage to actually do the right thing, rather they stay and hurt the person even further down the line.

 

The right thing would be for him to make a decision. He is leaving the door open for himself by saying there's a chance you will get back together. Now I am not saying he's a bad guy or that he's being deliberately manipulative, but it's very unfair for him to even dangle that in front of your face, because frankly, it's hurtful.

The right thing would be for him to make a decision. He is leaving the door open for himself by saying there's a chance you will get back together. Now I am not saying he's a bad guy or that he's being deliberately manipulative, but it's very unfair for him to even dangle that in front of your face, because frankly, it's hurtful.

 

Yeah, I know. But how can you even give a definitive answer if you have no definitive answers within yourself? I think there are a few different types of breakups, and the one we had isn't one in which has a clear set of answers. The only thing I can do right now is live my own life, find myself, improve in the areas in that I need changing, and just see where life takes me.

At least your ex's friends are getting married, his are still acting like frat boys at almost 27! Most of them have girlfriends but they are always with their friends, thing is my ex is not a clubber he did that in college and loved to just sit at home and cuddle and watch a movie I was the one who wanted to go out! Now suddenly he wants to be independent and go out, and do God knows what. I feel like he is pretending I never existed after 2.5 years together all the time, not a word from him. I hope he gets bored and tired of the single life eventually

At least your ex's friends are getting married, his are still acting like frat boys at almost 27! Most of them have girlfriends but they are always with their friends, thing is my ex is not a clubber he did that in college and loved to just sit at home and cuddle and watch a movie I was the one who wanted to go out! Now suddenly he wants to be independent and go out, and do God knows what. I feel like he is pretending I never existed after 2.5 years together all the time, not a word from him. I hope he gets bored and tired of the single life eventually

 

Lmfao. Sounds just like mine! So weird. My ex isn't a clubber either, he's more of the "lets watch a movie and snuggle" type person himself, but like yours he did the 180 too and now he wants to "get out and do." I guess I am "lucky" ?? if you can call it that, in that aspect. I think he has a very distorted view of how the single life is going to play out for him. I was talking to my guy friend and he was like.. uhh... it's gonna get old really fast, especially if all of his guy friends are engaged, planning weddings, and getting married. He's going to want to party and they'll all be going home. Plus, mine is so far into debt that he can't even afford a car for himself. School loans killed him and he doesn't get paid much at his new job. So lets say some girl came out from somewhere. He's going to be 27. A girl at that age is looking to meet her husband. My ex, as fantastic as he is, really can't be a provider for anyone right now. He wouldn't give off the best impression to a girl now. No money, no car, always working. Apparently guys leave relationships if they feel they can't provide either. I know my ex felt that way. If we did anything I always offered to pay my half because I felt so bad about his debt. I'm sure that didn't make him feel that great about himself.

At least your ex's friends are getting married, his are still acting like frat boys at almost 27! Most of them have girlfriends but they are always with their friends, thing is my ex is not a clubber he did that in college and loved to just sit at home and cuddle and watch a movie I was the one who wanted to go out! Now suddenly he wants to be independent and go out, and do God knows what. I feel like he is pretending I never existed after 2.5 years together all the time, not a word from him. I hope he gets bored and tired of the single life eventually

 

And you say you haven't heard a word from him... neither have I from mine. But I did text him last week and he responded fairly quickly (within 20 minutes). I read somewhere that if he IS responding to you, but not initiating, that he's just staying away because he's in pain right now.

And you say you haven't heard a word from him... neither have I from mine. But I did text him last week and he responded fairly quickly (within 20 minutes). I read somewhere that if he IS responding to you, but not initiating, that he's just staying away because he's in pain right now.

 

I am too stubborn to contact him...I don't know what I would say he said it would be too hard on both of us if we had contact because he just knows his choice is best for both of us (rolls eyes)...I can't even think of a reason to contact him except that he told me two weeks ago he would send me all of my stuff ( I stayed at his house a lot) and I still don't have it, my friend said she will get it for me I guess I could wait a couple more weeks then contact him myself but I am afraid if I have to see him/contact him it will really set me back.

I am too stubborn to contact him...I don't know what I would say he said it would be too hard on both of us if we had contact because he just knows his choice is best for both of us (rolls eyes)...I can't even think of a reason to contact him except that he told me two weeks ago he would send me all of my stuff ( I stayed at his house a lot) and I still don't have it, my friend said she will get it for me I guess I could wait a couple more weeks then contact him myself but I am afraid if I have to see him/contact him it will really set me back.

 

Yeah, same here, except for the stubborn part. Even though mine and yours are the ones who left, I think if any sort of reconciliation is going to happen, there needs to be communication. Sometimes NC is the absolute WORST thing you can do. The way my ex left it was that he didn't want to burn bridges. He didn't want to close the door on the future in regards to "us." So I think if I just vanished completely that it would be worse, so I'm dabbling with the idea of NC for now, LC down the road. I had the excuse because of his graduation. I'm scraping up a few new ideas for future texts down the line, (my new apartment being one), but the next text won't happen for the next 3 weeks or so. Just little drips and drabs to show him I'm still around. Plus we have so many mutual friends on FB I comment a lot on their pages so I know he has to be seeing it. Especially when I keep it super upbeat and cordial with everyone (there are weddings and birthday parties I was supposed to attend, and I wrote on their pages how I was so sorry I was unable to be a part of their special day but I wish them all the best yadda yadda yadda. I know he sees it all. So I can't be too far from his mind.)

 

I thought I was be a lot more anxious when I received his text back but I was surprisingly calm. I made sure I held the upper hand and ended the convo first. Always gotta keep it short, and friendly. You want to drill into his head that speaking to you brings pleasure, not pain. It's just patience, and a road of games. But I like games.

I hear ya but mine didn't say that about bridges he said it's going to be months before he knows where his head is at and even then he doesn't see us getting back together (but then told a friend he said that to spare me from more pain by waiting), he's so confused about everything in his life he has no idea where we both will be at the end of that time. And if we have contact it will just be harder on both of us But that he's totally in love with me and misses me greatly.

I hear ya but mine didn't say that about bridges he said it's going to be months before he knows where his head is at and even then he doesn't see us getting back together (but then told a friend he said that to spare me from more pain by waiting), he's so confused about everything in his life he has no idea where we both will be at the end of that time. And if we have contact it will just be harder on both of us But that he's totally in love with me and misses me greatly.

 

Well listen. I was talking to a coworker about this, and she was telling me that there's really no point in worrying about things you cannot change. Fact: he's gone. Yours is gone. Mine is gone. Consuming your thoughts with "what if" will only drive you batty. She was great to talk to because she dated her boyfriend for years, and then they broke up. They broke up for two years and he wound up coming back, and they just got married a few months ago. They dated others during that time, and she never thought that they'd get back together. She agreed that sometimes people just need to grow up and be single and if/when they're ready, they come around again.

 

The thing is, you need to use the Law of Attraction to your benefit as well. Whatever you constantly think about, is what you'll draw from the Universe. So right now, all the thoughts of "omg will we get back? I hope he comes back! Why hasn't he come back? Will he call? Will I hear from him?" You're only asking the Universe to keep you in this limbo.

 

Don't give up hope fully. Don't let go of the love you have for him. But know that he needs to do this if you want any sort of a chance to have a lasting relationship with him. Think of it this way. Would you rather this was happening now? Or 10 years down the line when he has a major meltdown, goes through some midlife crisis when you're married, and has affair after affair and destroys your family? He's gotta get this out of his system, and right now, no matter how much you want to be with him, he's just not at a place where he can fulfill your needs (be honest with yourself. You know right now he can't.) I know you're dreaming about yesterday and what was and how great it used to be, but that's not who he is now. And the guy he is now cannot give you what you're looking for. So you're better off being a happy, fulfilled person ALONE, rather than in a one-sided relationship where you're never 100% happy and satisfied.

I know and he even said that in his email to me that he isn't ready or able to be the person required to make our relationship work and it kills him to admit it. It just hurts because the day before he said he was Shocking how he changed so fast with no warning, i read about GIGS and it sounds a lot like him.

I know and he even said that in his email to me that he isn't ready or able to be the person required to make our relationship work and it kills him to admit it. It just hurts because the day before he said he was Shocking how he changed so fast with no warning, i read about GIGS and it sounds a lot like him.

 

I read a lot about GIGS too, but with GIGS they would jump right into another relationship. Mine was pretty clear in stating he needed to be single and independent, as he's never had that. He stressed that SO MANY times. I can't for the life of me imagine if he wants to be independent, why he would jump to "greener grass." Sometimes people really DO need to be single, to find themselves before they commit to someone else for life. This is something that absolutely does need to happen sometimes.

I read a lot about GIGS too, but with GIGS they would jump right into another relationship. Mine was pretty clear in stating he needed to be single and independent, as he's never had that. He stressed that SO MANY times. I can't for the life of me imagine if he wants to be independent, why he would jump to "greener grass." Sometimes people really DO need to be single, to find themselves before they commit to someone else for life. This is something that absolutely does need to happen sometimes.

Yes mine too. He wanted to be independent but he was single for over two years before we met so he didn't need that he just suddenly got scared as we were talking about marriage. He said it was NOT about another girl it was about himself, finding himself he was going back to school and lost his Independence and couldn't get that with me because when he was with me he just wanted to be with me and couldn't think of anything else but putting me first. I don't really see that as a huge issue because that's a relationship but he apparently needed to find something else first.