Married Man with a pregnant girlfriend

I am not going to lie, this is a hard time for me. I am a married man who has been in a relationship with a another woman for about 8 years which is the same time that I have been married. My girlfriend and I have tried to break it off many times before but to no avail, we just cant function without one another. I don't know if I need an answer or advice but anything will help. My girlfriend and I did speak about what we would do if she got pregnant, and she said she would get an abortion. Most of the time we practiced safe sex but as usual once we got taken away and well she fell pregnant. I thought it was a pretty simple decision considering that we discussed this previously, we both knew the consequences of pregnancy to both of us, etc and thought she would have the abortion. Maybe this is a reflex male move but I honestly knew that if she had the abortion, I would need to be able to be there for her to help her get through. However she sort of blocked me out completely and decided with her sister that she is going to have the baby. I spoke to her soon after that and she informed me of her decision without at the very least telling me why she would want a baby (this being the same women who told me a year ago she loved her life as she wasn't committed to anyone and was able to do her own thing when she wanted). We spoke and she agreed to have the abortion. A few weeks had passed and she hadn't done the abortion as yet. When I asked her when we are going, she changed her tune again and informed me that she was keeping her baby. Another male trait where I started getting angry and throwing tantrums and started asking why. She then completely shut me out of her life for about a month after that. All this while I was given no reason for wanting to keep the child. As usual I have the normal male thinking of this is going to affect my life. She on the other hand believes that things must just go back to normal. I shouldn't worry about it because she will look after the child and that she requires no help from me. She knows my financial situation and has never asked for anything because she is not that type of person. I offered to at least pay with the child's education and I think she still agrees on that which at least gives me some sort of comfort that I am contributing in some way to the child. A month later, I couldn't handle not having her in my life so I went back but this time I started living in her idealistic world where nothing will happen. unfortunately I am a realist and I cant handle it when someone makes a decision based on a plan that says she will have the baby and leave me esp since we tried this so many times and it hasn't worked (well except for the pregnancy). I couldn't speak to anyone or tell anyone so I finally enlisted the help of a therapist to help me get out of this. I am really trying to be there for my girlfriend and for my unborn child, but she wants me to just stop worrying and believe that we can still be together with this child and not have anyone know about it. She thinks I'm going to therapy to help me with getting over the baby issue, but me being a realist I am at the therapist to help me deal with the consequences of this coming out. I believe in being able to have the tools with the consequences first before we can deal with me getting over the idea of her choosing to keep the baby. She just doesn't get this and I cant handle this. I'm struggling to understand firstly why she changed her mind with regard to doing as we discussed and secondly why i was cut out of the decision completely. I am no saint and I don't expect sympathy, all i need is ideas on how do I go forward from here. I love by girlfriend and I love my wife and she knows I am not going to get divorced and she doesn't want or expect me to get married to her. I know we cannot change what has been done but I'm hoping that there are other people out there who are or have been in the same situation that can help me or advise me on the way forward. Please I'd love to hear how things work out so I can have an idea of what to expect from here. The uncertainty is killing me. My therapist is helping me with dealing with the consequences part of it but I still need some guidance on the way forward. Please Please help.

well first let me tell you about the baby ...

as a woman

when we are not pregnant it is all well and good to say we would get an abortion ...once that baby is inside us everything

changes , which is why so many women suffer in the aftermath of having an abortion..

from the second we find out we are pregnant that baby has a set of shoes ..several tiny little outfits , several names, a school to go to , a room full of toys we just mentally bought ...from that second we have life inside us ......

thats why women change their minds ...

I dont know what to suggest fella ..

it is clear you wont leave your wife .... but ..well you have been cheating for the while duration of your marriage ...this will kill your wife ...

one of them has to go ....and it is your wife who has been lied to all these years and I think she needs a break !! a chance at life and happiness with somoeone who will treasure her and respect their vows in marriage .

sorry I can't offer more .

this is just so unfair to your wife that it makes me sick.....and they wonder why it is so hard to trust a man.......

obviously your "gf" thinks differently now that she is actually pregnant, that causes hormones and feelings that you cannot anticipate....

you did this to yourself, you made your bed, now lie in it

She wants to keep the baby because she is a mother and it is her child. It is a child made with a man she was or is still in love with? What is so hard to understand about that?

You are an exceptionally selfish individual. Why? You were cool with cheating for 8 years because it suited you. Now you make a baby and your only thoughts are how it is going to affect you and avoiding paying child support. Did you ever consider that there are other people in your life? These are real people with feelings and an equal right to be just as happy as you are. Your wife, your girlfriend, your baby for a start!

You would like some ideas on how to go forward? Grow up and grow a pair! If you plan to stay married, stop cheating on your wife and tell her what you have done. Pay child support and sort out your finances. You have created a complete mess by your utter blind stupidity and selfishness. Take some responsibility for a change.

Good luck.

I think your gf lives in a fantasyland as well. Eventually your wife will find out about. I wonder if she already knows about your cheating and has just decided to stay with you because she prefers to be married than not married. Lots of people turn a blind eye to their spouse having a bit on the side for years because they like the comfort and status of being married so they don't want to rock the boat. At any rate, your mistress sounds rather foolish but if she wants to be a single mother that is her "affair". Just like your wife can't do much about your decision to cheat, neither can you do much about your mistress choosing to keep the baby. You have to live with the consequences of your actions and if the secret comes out, so be it. Not much you can do. It happened to John Edwards and Arnold Scwharzenegger.

. Lots of people turn a blind eye to their spouse having a bit on the side for years because they like the comfort and status of being married so they don't want to rock the boat.

I agree with this ...

Having an abortion might be a "pretty simple decision" to you because you're not the one who has to go through the procedure, think about it or deal with the aftermath. In any case, she can well shut you out of the decision because it is hers and hers only. You are rather selfish, inconsiderate and self-serving, though, which is why you're having trouble understanding her and putting yourself in her shoes (to the extent that it can be done, anyway, since you can never know what it's like to suddenly find yourself pregnant). Considering that you are clear about not doing what's right, I don't quite get what you're looking for. It would be best if you left your wife regardless of whether you'd be with your mistress or not. Why did you ever even get married, though, and why stay with someone you don't respect and on whom you've been cheating the entirety of the marriage? The best you can do is to stop harassing your mistress about why she's not going to get an abortion. Ideally, however, you should come clean and get a divorce.

Your behavior towards these women is despicable and selfish.

You love your wife? You love your girlfriend? How would you feel if your wife cheated on you for 8 years and told you that despite all of that, she loves you deep down? Would you really believe her?

Give your wife what she deserves- a divorce. She does not need a man like you around who will continue cheating.

Like the above poster said, stop harassing your girlfriend with the abortion. It's her body.

Talk to your therapist. Be responsible towards your child. Get a divorce.

Maybe this is a reflex male move but I honestly knew that if she had the abortion, I would need to be able to be there for her to help her get through.

Another male trait where I started getting angry and throwing tantrums and started asking why.

As usual I have the normal male thinking of this is going to affect my life.

You know... I wouldn't characterize it as a "male trait" to want her to have an abortion. There are plenty of men who would be quite happy loving and supporting a child (even surprise ones) and wouldn't worry about how it might negatively affect their life.

Let's call a spade a spade. You had an agreement. You expected her to fulfill her side of the agreement. She didn't. You were upset because you are trying to preserve your life as it is now. That's understandable. It IS very selfish that you are more concerned about your life and not the lives of anyone else (not your mistress who would need to bear the emotional brunt of having an abortion, not your unborn child, not your wife who is being cheated on)... but... nonetheless, you had an agreement.

The problem, as others have stated, is that a non-pregnant woman can't really make that agreement. She can guess at what she would do... but until you are in that situation... sorry. Women are emotional creatures and that's her baby inside of her. She is not thinking about you and your marriage. She is not thinking about herself, how she will be a single mom with challenges. She is thinking of the baby.

She knows my financial situation and has never asked for anything because she is not that type of person. I offered to at least pay with the child's education and I think she still agrees on that which at least gives me some sort of comfort that I am contributing in some way to the child.

This is foolish. There is a reason why this is not the legal way things are done. It's because it's unfair. Child support is NOT for her or even her entitlement. It's the child's. She is accepting that the child will have a lower standard of living because... maybe she feels guilty... but in a fair world, that's not her call to make.

I really think it's time that you man-up. Do you really think you are going to be able to hide a baby?? Cheating is devastating enough. Can you imagine if your wife found out about this child when it was... say... 5 years old??? You are looking for a "happy" way out of a bad situation... but there IS no happy way out of this situation. The least destructive way is completely destructive. You come clean about everything that has been going on and you let the chips fall where they may. Who knows... maybe your wife will forgive you. I've seen crazier things. But you really need to come clean about it.

You will also want to consider actually legally filing for child support. Just like a woman can't make the abortion decision before they are pregnant... they also can't make the "I don't want child support" decision until they are in a financial bind. Do you think that if suddenly, 4 or 5 years from now, she finds herself homeless or something she won't come after you for child support? And then, my friend, it will be a terrible, terrible mess. Because at that point - not only will you have to pay child support - but you will have to pay RETROACTIVE child support. So... $500/month for the 5 years you missed... You could be handed a bill for $30,000!

Just do the right thing. Tell everyone. See a lawyer. Get everything straightened out and on the up and up. It's going to hit hard... but then it will be over. If you try to sweep all of this under the rug it will only be a ticking time bomb and much, much worse for you...

OK, I know someone someething similar to this happened to... he was married with 4 kids and had a long term mistress who got pregnant. She decided to keep the baby and of course the man was freaking out. His mistress had a professional job and wasn't asking for money, but she decided to have the child.

When the baby was just a couple months old, the wife got more and more suspicious about his absences which he blamed on 'work' and noticed he seemed stressed and distracted. The mistress changed her mind and realized that raising a baby is a lot of work and costs a lot of money, and started asking for money and demanded he spend more time with her and being there for her and the baby. The husband made up excuses as to why money was going missing and why he had to be away from home more and things were tense and stressful all around.

Wife hires a private detective after her own very young daughter starts talking about how Daddy's 'friend' has a cute baby, a 'friend' that wife doesn't know (hubby had stopped by to see mistress who was demanding more time with him with kid in tow not realizing young daughter would talk about 'friend' and her baby to his wife).

Wife gets the goods on the husband via private detective and boots him out. He goes to live with mistress having nowhere else to go, and wife takes him to the cleaners in the divorce and he ends up paying her very steep child support and alimony for life such that he barely has enough money to live after paying his ex wife her monthly amounts.

Tries to live with mistress, mistress decides she doesn't want him around all the time because she gets stuck with his kids from his former marriage every other weekend in her house, and ex-wife is constantly calling her and telling her she's a tramp and her child is a basterd. And now that mistress has a child of her own, she starts to look unfavorably on him because she realizes he's the type of man to neglect his own children and lie to his partner in order to sneak out and see a mistress. So she raises her own bar when it comes to men and decides he's not good enough for her and boots him out.

Man is living at poverty level with wife, family, kids and mistress all hating him while paying child support to all of them. He eventually ends up marrying another woman he doesn't particularly love, but he gets sick of living in a ratty apt. because he can't afford to live on his own. Ends up paying child support for many children he no longer sees because the exes and kids all hate him for destroying their lives and visits are too stressful and drama filled for everyone so they decide to stop doing the visitation.

He turns into a raging alcoholic because he hates his life and hates living with yet another woman he doesn't even love or even like, who bores him, but who has enough money to support him since all his money is going to his ex-wife and child support. Continues to work a high stress job he hates because he can't afford to quit it or he'll go to jail for non-payment of child support. Hates his life.

Sorry, but that's a true story, happened to a man i know that i used to work with! Prepare for the worst because it will probably happen. You might have a chance with your wife if you come clean and throw yourself on her mercy, but then you might not. Children change everything, whether you are married or not. Your mistress is about to become a mother, and her child will become her priority rather than you being her priority. Things will not stay the same between you, no matter what you or she hopes, and will change in an instant the second that baby is born. She will resent time you spend with your other family because it takes time and money away from HER child which she will have mama lion protective instincts for. She'll realize that she doesn't want her kid to have second best, or feel second best to your family, and will eventually give you the boot, one way or another.

I think all you can do now is damage control. You may or may not have the opportunity to stay married depending on how your wife feels about this and whether she finds out (and most likely she will eventually). Most wives do not take kindly to mistresses and are REALLY offended and enraged if their husband knocks someone else up, so get ready for the ride! Your mistress will most likely decide she wants to start fresh with a new man who does have time to be a real father to her child and create a real family rather than sharing him with his wife.

I totally agree.

Just tell your wife and she will make the decision for you. I also agree with the reason women do not want to have abortions. They have imagined their baby and it's life in minute detail and they can feel it grow and their body change.If men had that opportunity they might be less enthusiastic about abortions. Also too if they had to be knocked out and something shoved up their penis and pour blood all over and have to deal with the emotional devastation they might think more too.

This is like Usher Part II Confession.

This is the reason why I don't feel like committing to one man during a relationship. Some people don't respect their partners, and boundaries.

It's what you get for cheating or not divorcing your wife.

Better start strapping up financially so that you can take care of this baby...

It's not your decision, it's her decision to have this baby and she has a right to change her mind and decide to keep it. Just like you had a right to change your mind about being faithful to your wife to keep your snake in its cage. Having a baby changes a woman's body forever. And after having to carry a child in the womb for 9 months how can we expect any different. Some women actually die giving birth to a child. That's why it's their decision. So you have to first, get over that mentality that you have some sort of say in the matter because in reality (remember, you're a realist) you don't.

If you love your wife, tell her the truth. Then be a man and deal with your responsibilities.

Thanks for the responses, just a few things that perhaps I failed to mention in the inital post:

1. She had an abortion 13 years ago at the 7 month stage, she has been in this position before, so not knowing what pregant means, somehow doesn't come into it in my eyes. She also never grieved about it at any stage, neither did she hold it in if she was grieving, as she would have told me about it.

2. I never said I wouldn't be open to the idea of her keeping the baby. I just said that the least that I expected was to be involved in the discussions. I think that after 8 years of a relationship, the least she could have done was sat down and spoke. Whether I was married or not, this is a big decision and I think talking to the parties involved would not have been a bad idea. It may have given me an understanding of what she was feeling. I am not a machine, I am human and I do understand the parental desires.

3. As for the financial part, I have offered. I am not shirking my duties. She just does not want to take any money in the fear of my wife finding out. I want to help in any way I can and i will if she asks for it or needs it, whether it be financial or advice.

4. As for my wife, I know I have to come clean at some stage and I owe it to her to be honest. im just not ready right now. I will in time.

I guess what I am asking for is advice on how to tell the girlfriend that this is a huge thing and that contrary to her believing that everything is going to be ok, its highly unlikely that it will. When I try and explain this to her, she gets angry thinking I am being funny towards her and that I am doing what she expected me to do in the first place and that was to run away from her. She gets that perhaps she made a mistake when we talk seriously sometimes but its as if I am supposed to overlook what is about to happen and just be happy that she is pregnant.

Maybe she does not feel that way about THIS baby. I think you are assuming too much that she did not grieve after having such a late term abortion. Maybe she just did not tell you. She would have to be a robot not to have SOME feeling about it. I would not be with ANYONE who felt nothing about ending a life at that stage.

You are wasting your wife's time.

Tell her. Seriously. She can be with someone while you deal with your girlfriend.

^ I agree. Doing everything at your own convenience is very selfish and cruel.

^ I agree. Doing everything at your own convenience is very selfish and cruel.

Time to pay your consequences OP.

Why on earth did you never divorce your wife? And don't blame it on the kids. SERIOUSLY.

I guess what I am asking for is advice on how to tell the girlfriend that this is a huge thing and that contrary to her believing that everything is going to be ok, its highly unlikely that it will. When I try and explain this to her, she gets angry thinking I am being funny towards her and that I am doing what she expected me to do in the first place and that was to run away from her. She gets that perhaps she made a mistake when we talk seriously sometimes but its as if I am supposed to overlook what is about to happen and just be happy that she is pregnant.

that concerns me greatly ...why wont it be ok ?

she knows your married ..so that wont be a shock

she knows you dont want the baby if given a choice ..that isn't a shock

she is willing to face this as a financially single women ..her choice

what isn't ok is your situation ...not hers ..

I'm shocked that his wife didn't suspect his affair during the whole 8 years. Or she is in denial.

I'm shocked that his wife didn't suspect his affair during the whole 8 years. Or she is in denial.

Some married men are very good actors.

Have you seen "Valentine's Day" when Jennifer Garner discovers that her boyfriend is a MARRIED MAN. LOL Funny thing is he's a doctor. He travels a lot supposedly. LOL

You may not want to hear this, but you really have to come clean with your wife! It may or may not destroy your marriage, but she deserves to know for a number of reasons:

1. to be checked for STD's (you may not believe you have exposed her but - you never know whether your gf has been faithful to you either). And you should get checked as well.

2. Out of respect to your wife. She and you made vows to be faithful, to treat each other with love and respect. If you plan to continue your relationship you must repair as best you can and move forward in your relationship.

3. Believe it or not, out of respect to your gf. Now this is a little different in that your gf knew you were married and still chose to be in a relationship with you. She did not set boundaries with you and therefore did not elicit respectful behavior from you toward her. She has always been put on the back burner at your beck and call... sadly... And while she may have said she wanted a no strings attached relationship my bet is that she was emotionally attached more than she was willing to admit to herself. That part is her own responsibility. But yours was to cross the line of infidelity - NO ONE wins in this scenario! Neither woman wins, and you lose too.

4. Your wife is going to find out anyway. It is better to control the atmosphere in which she finds out - best handled with a marriage counselor at hand.

The most important reason she needs to be told is this: YOU OWE IT TO YOUR CHILD. Think about it - your child is going to grow up. He/she will need to know their father (you!). Your gf, even if you do not continue with your relationship, is forever bound to you as a parenting partner. It is supremely difficult to bring up a child as a single parent, especially with a small baby, and later an adolescent. Children need and deserve 2 loving parents in their lives! It is time to find that inner strength and courage to come clean - For the Sake of Your Child! Now is the time to stop thinking of your own wants and needs and begin to shape your life how you want your child to be.

What kind of a person you decide to be is how your child will learn - and - do you want your child to see you as a coward or as a man who accepts the responsibility of the mistakes he made and moves forward into a more honest and respectful life.

If your wife decides to leave you, you should respect her wishes. And if your gf also leaves you, respect her wishes as well.

BUT - you must take an active role in the parenting of this new being coming into the world. Not just money, but time, thought, energy, and turning over a new leaf to become an honest and respectful man that your child will adore and respect in the coming years.

It happened to John Edwards and Arnold Scwharzenegger.

And they both got caught. Why not come clean now, so your wife has a chance for a few years of an honest life?

I can never understand a cheating guy who thinks he has an "arrangement or understanding" which allows him to not use a condom. That is totally putting your life, your future in the hands of the woman that you are manipulating. Should she ever feel used, abandoned, or lied to by you, she merely has to get pregnant and you are in a world of hurt. Birth control means controling the situation. Use it or leave things to chance.

Thanks Everyone who contributed to this thread. These are things I already knew but perhaps the fact that most of you confirmed it has well not given me comfort about the type of person I am but the rough road ahead. Yes I am narcissistic, yes I am childish, yes I have asked for trust on one hand and not given on the other and yes I have made a bad decision that has gotten me in this situation. The realities I face now are ones I tried to sweep under the carpet all these years. I hope no one ever finds themselves in this position ever and I know most of you never will be, for you are better people than myself.