From 'I love you more than I have loved anyone before' to...

I am at a total loss right now, and am here to maybe gain some insight. Less than a week ago, the man I am completely in love with and planned on spending forever with, tells me he is not feeling the same anymore. This is after him being on exactly the same page with me, up until 4 days ago.

We were being intimate last Wed. and he was unable to perform...which has happened before. Then Thursday night it happened again. I asked him what was going on and if it was me...he said no, not at all...this has been an ongoing problem for him with his past partners as well. I told him how it made me feel, and not in a way that would hurt his feelings, or make him feel like less of a man. I noticed immediately his texts with me changed...his attitude towards me was completely different. Long story short...I finally asked him about it and he tells me he doesn't know what is going on with him, but he hasn't felt the same about me since Wed. night and isn't sure he wants to be with me anymore. I am at a total loss for words.

This is a man whom I have merged my everyday life with...with both of our children. He has told me over and over for the last year he has never felt the way he does for me with anyone else before...which I feel the same. We talked about getting a home together next spring, and went as far as to tell our kiddos about our plans. He has told me I will be his wife in the future and he could never imagine his life without me. His actions matched his words to a T, until after the last Wed. incident. We have never even had a fight...he is like my best friend, and we always have such a nice/fun time together. He says it is not me at all and that he is so sorry.

He says he is going to try and see if his feelings go back to the way he felt before, but he is not sure he will be able to. He said if he can't please me in that way, he feels like less of a man and it will always be in the back of his mind when we try to be intimate in the future. He said he will kick himself if he doesn't give it a try, but doesn't think it will ever go back to the way it was. What in the heck?!? I feel so confused, sad, and hurt. To really even think of letting go of something so correct over that issue...really?!?

How do I feel secure while he says he is going to try. I feel like the ball will drop at any moment...I couldn't sleep at all last night...my mind is repeating over and over...what the hell happened here...why? I feel physically ill...what did I do?? I don't know how to be, or where to go from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...I am stunned and hurt beyond words.

Hm. This is tricky. I can relate to where you're at, tho, cuz my last ex was telling me how happy he was, and how he was falling in love with me, then...3 wks later, he breaks up with me out of nowhere, saying "the feelings aren't there." This is probably the hardest thing to deal with, cuz you're blindsided, and cuz it's not something you can work on together.

I mean, if the only problem is his performance issues..that's something he needs to see a doctor or a therapist about. Did you suggest this?

If this has happened before, and with other partners, why hasn't he had it treated? Either he has physical issues that need attending to, or he has mental issues that need addressing with a counselor.

and I hate to say it, but men who frequently have performance issues with women and who do not have a medical problem, may be hiding other issues like being gay and fighting it because they don't want to be gay or come out of the closet or are hiding something they don't want to reveal (as in what turns them on, that they are afraid to tell you).

It is normal to sometimes lose this ability due to stress or medical issues or relationship issues, but if it happens frequently then there is something deeper going on.

But it is interesting that his choice to deal with this is not to try to get the source of his impotence and fix it, but to immediately toss you over and claim he doesn't 'feel' anything anymore. So he is avoiding fixing this problem for some reason, perhaps because he knows the true source (and it is not fixable, as in being gay and not that attracted to women but avoiding rather than accepting that.)

So i think if you want to try to make this work you should insist on both a medical exam for him to see if there is something physically wrong he can fix, and if it is not that, then considering counseling with him or him going alone to get to the root of why he has this recurring problem. He's just acting as if it is not fixable, which he shouldn't because most cases of impotence that are physical and psychological in nature other than serious nerve damage can be fixed.

He's also being a bit cowardly by somehow blaming you for his own problem when it's happened before, as in somehow it is someething you are supposed to just accept and shut up about or else it is all your fault. He's not taking responsibility for this by getting treatment and is instead pouting and taking it out on you. He needs to be mature and accept that it IS a problem and one he needs to address and not wreak a relationship over.

Totally agree w/ Lavenerdove --- and to add -- he says he loves you more than he has ever loved anyone before --- somehow, that rings oddly. I don't think I would ever say that to someone....as though he is trying really hard to "be" in love. And quantifying it --- which again leads to the issues LD stated.

Unless it's a medical issue (rare), the impotence is most likely a symptom of something going on in his head. How has his behavior been toward guarding his phone? Can you rule out him being interested in or seeing someone else? Otherwise, could he be going through any new pressures, either from work or his family? If he's not cheating, and work and his friends/family are no different, and you haven't doubled in weight in the past 12 months, and this has happened before... yeah, I would wonder if he might have some homosexual tendencies.

He needs to see a doctor or someone who can help him. Everybody has a bad night but if this is reoccuring issue then it could be something else that needs to get checked out. This is a very very hypersensitive area of a man's existence; his ability to perform sexually, his ability to be a provider and his ability to be a man. Any blows sustained unto these three categories can result in a nuclear melt down. I wouldn't give up on him just yet, I would watch and wait.

Thank you for your responses. First...yes, he has been checked over medically in his past...nothing was wrong. So, it is a psychological issue. He is not gay, he was married for 11 years and deep down, I know this not to be the case. He has no problem keeping an erection during masturbation and while watching straight porn. I guess that's what made me question if it is lack of desire for me. We can mutually masturbate without a problem...which is fine, but I need the penetration aspect as well.

It happens off and on, never consistently. But, it was making me feel badly about myself...and I believe when in a relationship, you should have open and honest communication, so I had to ask about it...it hurt my feelings. Can lack of being able to maintain an erection really be a deal breaker?? I would never want to make a man feel badly about himself...especially the man I am in love with, so I had to address it.

He has not been divorced for very long before we met..and the marriage ended due to infidelity by his wife. He was very badly hurt by this...understandably so. I wonder if it has something to do with her on some level. She did want to work things out with him after she found out he was with me. I can't compete with an 11 year marriage and a 15 year relationship he had with her. But, his behavior towards me was not any different until after our talking about it last Wed. evening.

He says he knows he will kick himself if he doesn't give this a try, but he also said once he gets something in his head, he can't get it out. He still is saying he loves me, but his tone and demeanor are not the same. So, he will try and I will sit and wait and see. I don't know how to act, or be, as my feelings and all of the plans we had still are dear to my heart. I do love him, so very much. I never saw this coming...that's what hurts the most. Do I sit and wait and see if his feelings return to where they were? And if so, I can't act differently than how I feel...still in love and now coupled with the fear he will say his feelings aren't returning. What do I do? Such an easy question, yes? lol

Him being married doesn't mean he isn't gay. His wife cheating on him may point toward her not being fulfilled inside the marriage. Masturbation/porn is his fulfillment instead of intimacy.....all red flags.

You can't solve this, and going forward it is a deal breaker. In addition, he has basically told you that "once it's in his head"....so I would say, time to move on.

Sorry to keep posting. i feel it does me good to release in a healthy manner, such as here...it feels safe for some reason. I don't even care if I am talking to myself at this point...sad, but true.

So...all day he has been texting me...saying I love you and I miss you. Now he is coming over...for what? To see if he gets those feelings back..?...no clue. I feel void, numb, dumbfounded, sad, and yes a little stupid.

I am not one to bite my tongue, but I haven't slept in 24 hours...appetite...none to speak of. This will pass, I know, but right now I feel very icky, for lack of a better word. How do I act...I am not an actress...and I am soooo not good in the games department. I am a straight shooter...that being said...I just want to lay on his chest and close my eyes and make this day cease to exist. Will tomorrow come...yes. Will I be okay regardless of his choice in loving me the same as he did...yes. I am far from a stupid person...although, I may be playing the part for tonight. It is what it is.

I hope you all have a good night as well and find some small amount of peace and acceptance with whatever it is you are going through. We all deserve nothing short of amazing. XO

How did it go? My bf of almost a year has the same problem, but it is due to medical condition and some pills he is taking for his heart condition. We try to work around it and he tries to satisfy me in other ways, but we have always kept the line of communication open and talked about the issue. I think that's really important.

Let us know what happened.

There is a very simple cure for this, it is called Viagra. You can get it cheaply online.

What is wrong with me, why do they think that they can mess with a person's emotions like that. Speaking for myself if I have a problem that is on my mind, I know exactly what is bothering me... seems that too many men have these nagging feelings in a relationship and just can't seem to put a finger on the problem? Always seems to be when they admit they love someone...but I could be wrong, just a thought. Just posted a similar situation on here a few weeks back.

I feel that if it is this problem in bed and he loved you he would put a 100% in to work it out, the more anxious someone gets about these situations the worse it gets...too much stress put into it.

Hope love conquers all for you, it is hard when both parties are supposed to be deeply in love. take care

What is wrong with me

 

sorry meant "men"

He came over Monday night...all was fine...sexually and otherwise. He told me he still loves me the same, but doesn't know what has changed his feelings about a future with me...he said he was sorry...and stressed again that he is going to try, but he has in his mind that since I know he is not fully in this and I am (haven't changed my feelings for him or our future at all) that it will feel weird and the relationship would never be the same as it was before. And if I wanted to date other people I could, because he doesn't want me to waste my time. But also saying he had no desire to date anyone. * * * ?!?

He didn't txt me that much Tues., which is out of the norm, but was supposed to come over after his sons baseball game. Got a text after the game saying one of his sons teammates was admitted to the hospital and him and the other coaches were going up to see him.This was at 8:45. I never heard another thing from him...via txt or call the rest of the night. He did call this morning...we talked a little and he said love you before he hung up. Didn't hear from him all day, so I txted him...saying "hope your day is going well and that I was thinking of him X." He responded by saying his day was crappy and asked about mine. Idle txting after that...not loving on his end like normal...at all. Said he will call me tonight after his sons baseball clinic, but we will see.

And if he does call...I feel afraid to ask any questions about us, as I don't want to overwhelm him, as obviously, he already is...about whatever. I feel sick inside...haven't eaten much since Sunday night when he told me all of the above mentioned in the first post...feel anxious and insecure. I don't know what to do? Do I give him time to figure this out, or tell him I can't feel like this and that it is not fair to me...which it really isn't. I hate this feeling...sooo very much. We are supposed to be spending the upcoming weekend together, but I am afraid to ask him if that is still a plan. I hate this...all the way around.

My opinion, wait for him to contact you. Apparently, men like the chase (so I have read and been told). I don't know whether they can handle too many things in their mind at one time. What I did was to sit down and really think... if I was the one that was unsure, would I want to be texted and called. There is nothing much you can do I don't think. I had this sort of problem in my relationship, except it was me. I was supposed to act like these girls that he watched in the porno magazines and when I didn't do all the yes..yes...yes.. thing I told him that it was mostly all pretend and I wasn't going to fake it... the more he commented about it the less I felt because I wasn't making him feel like a man, always about them!!!

Anyway, read mine if you want a good laugh (fight or give up?)

The thing that would probably help the most is just play it cool, it's a horrible feeling of sickness and panic ( i went through it for 6 weeks) but the more we get worked up about things the less we can think straight and logically.

I have just read this quote that has helped in my situation....."If you're having a hard time letting go, realize that if they wanted to stay they would still be there" and he is still there with you. We always seem to have to tread lightly around them so we never do the wrong thing to scare them away.... why, are they fragile creatures? We just have to take one in the stomach, bear it and wait.

There is a very simple cure for this, it is called Viagra. You can get it cheaply online.

viagra doesn't ''solve'' anything. it provides very temporary ''symptom'' relief...and causes MULTIPLE OTHER HEALTH ISSUES. it's like birth control for women. it's not healthy.

as to the original post...

i don't think there's a whole lot you can do...aside from being a supportive partner. sometimes that means thinking bigger...putting your own ''happiness'' on hold temporarily...and focussing on your partner (this isn't the same thing as welcoming someone in to walk all over you. very big distinction). obviously that's not something you can do indefinitely, and it's worth acknowledging your own limitations. what are you willing to tolerate?

rest assured, anything perceived by him as an attack will result in him drawing away (any suggestion that you know what's best for him...which suggests someone that he DOESN'T know this. no one responds well to that). he may reluctantly agree to suggestions (and even possibly with a certain willingness)...but anything that is not of his own design will ultimately be a fruitless endeavor. conscious change is something that happens internally. and while others can help us get there, it NEVER happens with anything other than neutral support. you may feel that you know what's best for him, but just about everyone responds defensively when they feel someone has an agenda for them. it's not fair for you to assume you know what's best for him. put yourself in his shoes.

my opinion is that your best bet is to invite him to share more about his experience (by being an active listener...and curbing defensiveness...and any traces of judgement). provide a non-threatening environment where he can feel safe to do that. that's how people step forward...and it's often how couples grow together. if this is the man you want to be with, does it seem worth it to make that effort? what are your limitations? know your boundaries. we all have those. you don't have to compromise yourself by being there for him. it's not all or nothing.

neutral support. compassion. active listening. stay away from projections of ''you make me feel this way.'' that will always be perceived as attack and will solve nothing. communication.

Honestly --- I think he is "done" with the relationship. You can string it along and allow it to slowly die, or you can just bite the bullet and say, "since it will never be the same, let's say good bye before we start to resent each other."

When your partner tells you it's okay to date other people, the game is over.

^^^^^ Agree with this. He's telling you to move on...a guy who was serious about you would NEVER entertain the idea someone else being able to get you.

I have a feeling the sexual 'mishap' fed his insecurity, and since it's something that has happened with previous partners, he just doesn't have the guts/will/courage/interest in battling this in a new relationship. The concept of an exwife who wants him and all of his 'quirks' back, probably seems like a better option right now, rather then the unknown.

The last two posts were a kick in the gut, but much needed and appreciated advice. I have thought this as well...trust me. It hurt to hear him say it. I am not ready to bite the bullet yet...I know that must make me look pathetic and stupid. But, he really is a wonderful and has one of the kindest hearts I have ever encountered. I think, actually I KNOW...if things keep going the same, I will be over it sooner rather than later. After this weekend...things will be viewed in a better perspective for me.

Another piece to the puzzle, maybe? His mother called me to find out what was going on. I have grown very close to his parents over the last year...they are no B.S. kind of people and amazing individuals. She shared with me in confidence that he is not doing well financially at all...lots of debt, a lot of money having to go out for his sons select baseball league and being a divorced father, but with joint custody, and having to care for a household, which he is not used to doing at all. His ex took care of many of those things. He is having a hard time keeping his head above water right now. He is not used to totally running a household and traveling so much coaching his sons team. She believes he is overwhelmed with life in general right now. This coupled with the erection problem from time to time, must hit his man ego pretty hard, I would imagine. She asked me not to give up on him just yet, and give it some time, as she is going to help him with some of the financial issues to alleviate some of his stress. He has brought up to her that us living together in the future is troubling him, due to his debt. He has not confided in me about any of his money issues at all, so I can't offer any words of comfort, or support. Don't love that..I want him to trust me enough to share anything with me, as I do him.

His ex-wife is still dating/sleeping with the man she cheated on him with in the marriage, my boyfriend knows this as well. I think she really doesn't want him back, but once she realized he found somebody it made her start to question her decision, but she is still with the other man none-the-less. I have met her at their sons baseball games...so he is not hiding me from her at all...and actually wants me to go to as many of the games as I can fit in with my work and kiddos schedules. And his family detests her for what she did to him and their kiddos. I know, there are two sides to every story...and she doesn't seem God awful...I actually walked to her car with her to get their kids things to leave the game with us. But who knows...maybe he does think it would be easier to be with her again...I am not sure how, or why, but it could be a thought. Their anniversary date is the 20th of this month...they were together from the time she was 16 and he was 18...he is 36 now...so a long time..like I said, I can't compete with that, nor do I have any desire to.

I am not stupid, I actually am pretty bright (sometimes). But I haven't given up hope...yet. I will not camp out with the relationship like this, but I think he does need some time to sort things out. on various levels in his life I do, however have a bad quality of being the eternal optimist and over thinking things to death. Right now I am just going to sit back at pay attention to his actions...if they continue to match up with his words...I will sadly, but gracefully move on...wishing him nothing but the best. We all deserve the best for us...me included.

You all are amazing and offer so much good to others..I am glad I can come here and feel free to release...thank you to all of you again...your words inspire, encourage, and make me question my thought processes...which I really need right now.

I think that sexual problems are common and that some men handle it better than others. Will he take Cialis?

I think people are jumping to a lot of conclusions about this guy. I have this problem from time to time and I'm certainly not gay nor is there anything medically wrong with me. It's just performance anxiety and it's pretty common. As I get more comfortable with someone it tends to get a lot better but the issue still crops up now and then.

You can't expect him to perform every single time. That's not fair in a relationship and chances are he was feeling a lot of pressure. The best thing to do is not to draw attention to it. It doesn't sound like he was 'impotent' as people are putting it. If he is able to perform most of the time then this really shouldn't be a problem. How did you confront him about this and how often have you brought it up? Guys can be overly sensitive about this kind of stuff so if he felt you were complaining or not supportive then his reaction is understandable.

"You can't expect him to perform every single time. That's not fair in a relationship and chances are he was feeling a lot of pressure. The best thing to do is not to draw attention to it. It doesn't sound like he was 'impotent' as people are putting it."

It would be different if she initiated sex and he said, "I'm tired tonight", but since he didn't and went on to try to have sex, there's nothing wrong with expecting him to perform. Most men expect women to perform every time, even if they're tired or need to use performance enhancing products like lube.

Personally, I think too many men don't like the idea of Cialis, but the drug isn't just for people who struggle getting or staying erect. It is often used to increase libido or to help with a problem just like this one.

I don't agree with not talking about it, but I do think that it's a VERY touchy subject and can backfire. It has happened within my own relationships and overcoming it made the relationship stronger.

It would be different if she initiated sex and he said, "I'm tired tonight", but since he didn't and went on to try to have sex, there's nothing wrong with expecting him to perform. Most men expect women to perform every time, even if they're tired or need to use performance enhancing products like lube.

That is a very heavy expectation to live up to and I know I would have a problem with it. I have never expected a gf to put out every time I'm in the mood. I only got upset when I was rejected consistently or it got to the point where my needs were not being met. Most men that I know do not expect their gf's to perform every time - far from it. He could try Cialis I guess but I'm not sure he even needs something like that. It depends on how often he is having an issue.

"That is a very heavy expectation to live up to..."

I do agree with you on that and only say it because it's that way in my own marriage. We jokingly call it "invoking the power of the ring." We both agreed that if one or the other isn't in the mood but the other is, the one not in the mood will suck it up. Of course, there are agreements then there is reality - we have both begged off from being tired, but most of the time we try to honour our agreement because it's more fun to do that than to not.

We jokingly call it "invoking the power of the ring."

Ok that one cracked me up. Your husband is a lucky guy. I think there would be far less divorces if more people had an attitude like yours. Sounds like you two have a pretty good arrangement there.