Blablablaaa

Don't have anything exciting or amazing to write about, just an outlet for feelings and that. Maybe if i write everything that bothers me i'll be able to look back and see if i do have something wrong with me and realise how stupid i sound sometimes.

Friday11th May

Had a fall out with my mum today, she want's me out, she's so pathetic.So i guess that's no-one that wants me here now, might as well get packing. Apart from that incident this morning i haven't spoken to anyone all day, and it's been one of the worst days so far. I miss him. I drew a crappy drawing of him before with mouldy old crayons, tried to convince myself it remotely resembled him haha, he was always easy to draw though he was all hair.

I think he's going out tonight, his friend is hinting for a lift and he'll probably give him one because he'll do anything for them, and he hasn't been online all day on anything. Whatever. Don't want to think about it, because it's killing me. I have one night to look forward to tomorrow, but what happens after that, i'll just come back and everything will be the same. What's the point.

I hate him and i love him. Can't wait to just go out and drink until i forget his face.

I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

I feel like completely giving up. I have no one. I've applied for so many jobs this week, I've picked out a flat, i've sent off for a provisional license, but it's all for nothing. What is the point.

I feel like my heart has completely just broken.

He has people who care about him, friends who want to see him, a job, a car, a life. I have nothing, and he knew i had nothing but him. I miss him so much.

Ugh. I wish he didnt work with my sister, found out today that he was out until 7am drinking with his friends, only days after he broke my heart, he just doesn't care. And i read that he's moving out with them, after a few weeks of talking about it, where-as i wanted to move out with him for 3 years. Just proves that i was never the priority. He got used to be being single and going out all the time, but when it came to it he couldn't let it go, it was easier to let me go. I feel like i can't cope having him on my facebook, seeing his face, even on his profile picture he was closer to his friend than me, its stupid little things like that, that get me down. But it all adds up, he doesn't get it, but this really affecting me.

On the plus side, i'm optimistic about getting a job, then next year its off to uni, and i can have my own life then, i can drink every single night, have as many friends as i want, do what i want. I just miss him so so much.

Can't stop listening to Elvis, my room sounds like an old people indoor market. Apparently i missed out on a corker of a jeremy kyle today, "my boyfriend killed my hamster" what, the hell. I miss him, i wish he didnt give up on me.

I'm slowly coming to the realization that he, simply, does, not, care. He doesn't love me any more, that much is painfully obvious. I give up, i'm never going to feel his arms around me, never going to wake up to him, I've never felt so alone, the only thing that stops me crying every night is the teddy he got me for christmas, which is a bit sad. Saw my friends once last week to see batman, my best friend doesn't even live here anymore so i can't talk to anyone about anything. There's always the doctor, but it's so soul-destroying crying in front of her.

I miss him so much, it's been 7 days since i saw his perfect face. This has been the worst week i've had in a very long time.

I miss talking about random crap with him, having conversations about weird things, like serial killers and alien films. I miss watching him play his games, i'd do anything to watch him play skyrim one more time. These last 7 days have been awful, the only thing that's really cheered me up is the fact i've not been able to eat and i've lost a stone.

Pay day on friday, buying him a present then leaving him to it i guess. Can't be in someones life if they don't want you in it. It hurts so much. It'd probably be more productive in my healing to think of things i don't miss, but i'm not ready yet, i just miss HIM, every inch of him, every flaw and imperfection, every annoying personality trait, i'd give everything up to just sit and laugh at people in west coast.

Day off tomorrow, going to take a walk and buy some hair dye, blonde or red though, i don't really know.

I don't really know anymore. I just love him, wish i could just forget his face and his voice, it'd be so much easier if the last thing he said to me wasn't "i love you" I just know i don't want to feel like this any more. I'm such an idiot, putting it mildly, i hate myself. Bleh.

I've changed so much. I do my own thing, go out, see friends, i like alone time now. I've become more like the person he wanted. I feel like a different person, but what's the point if no one's there to notice. Having a bad day today. I thought i was okay, but i'm not. I miss him so much.

I realised a few days ago, that i've forgotten what his voice sounds like.

& It's Christmas soon and I had something picked out for him that he would love. I wish he was here to rub savlon on my tattoos haha, little things like that i miss the most, which reminds me of a photo i found yesterday and he has no tattoos and its weird haha. I love him to bits, shame it's too late now, but if he doesn't want me , he doesn't want me.

Oh well, i have a good few months planned, 21st is a few months away, that'll be good

It's been three months today since he left me. I felt like i should write something to show my progress.

I'm proud of myself. I thought i couldn't live without him, i thought my world would collapse without him, yes it hurts still, and i have the nights where it gets to me, or when a random memory finds me, but i'm here and i'm enjoying my life, even as i cry typing this, i'm happy that he was in my life so long. I realise now so many things that would have saved us. But it's about learning and moving on and being the best person you can be.

I look back at the clingy, needy girl i was, i was so insecure to the point where i was even jealous that he had friends, since i got help for my issues i can look at myself and see that it wasn't healthy, i was desperately clawing at scraps of attention, wherever i could get them. I'll never be that girl crying in the car and begging, no one will ever see me like that ever again, i'll never let myself care enough about anyone to get like that, that was the lowest moment of my life.

I love who i am today, i go out every weekend and enjoy myself, i meet new people, i work and earn money and enjoy spending it There's a big space in my heart that's empty but i'm not in a rush to fill it. No one compares. Some things just don't stand a chance ever again.

I don't hate him for leaving me, the person i'd become was awful. I'm proud of him. I hope that as soon as i leave for university i never see his face, hear his name or think about him ever again, i want him to disappear from my memory, because nothing good will ever come from him being in there.

99 days.

the lyrics to here without you by three doors down made me count, and it's 99. 99 days ago today he said he loved me, for the last time.

Not really in the mood to write much.

Need a hug. The highlight of my week has been seeing my best friend and being given my own department at work. That's about it. Hurry up weekend.

"I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time"

100 days.

Think i need to start giving up now. Having a bad day.

I can't keep on pretending i'm happy.

He's the one. I know his every flaw and imperfection, and i still love him. I can't turn it off, it won't go away

Off for a 9 hour shift now, ugh.

I wish it'd go away, i don't want to be in love anymore. It hurts so much.