Wife Had Lesbian Affair After 20 Years

My wife had an emotional and physical affair for about two months with a woman who sits next to her at work.

I confronted her about my suspicions after discovering her rediculous amount of texting to the same phone number,

a draft message on her phone that she forgot to delete and a smoking-gun email that she forgot to delete.

At first she outright lied about the texting by saying, "She's only a good friend."

She also lied about the phone message even though it was blatantly obvious in the context of the message what was going on.

After I discovered the email (i had set up her email account. She never changed the password I set up ), I confronted her by telling her that I knew what was going on, that she was hiding it and lying to me.

She confessed that she "Fell in love" with the woman friend and that they had had every intention of keeping the secret affair going on

without me knowing as long as possible. She also confessed that she began to have a "strange attraction" to this person before she knew that the other woman was a lesbian.

She said that she initiated telling the woman that she was attracted to her, that she, my wife, took the first step in starting the affair.

She agreed to break off the affair the very same day that I confronted her. However, she has repeatedly refused to leave the job, move her workspace away from the woman, be transferred, find another job, etc. To this day (months later), she goes to work sitting about six feet away from her lesbian lover, swearing that it is over and that she just enjoys working there and contributing economically to her family. She also swears that the other woman has gone on to another lesbian relationship.

I had to be the one to insist that she block the other lover's phone numbers and cut-off the Facebook friendship (which she reluctantly did).

To her credit, she seems to come home and stay home since I outed her. I have kept a very close eye on her in so many ways and I can't imagine that she has hooked up with the other since she broke it off.

Within the first several weeks, I began to ask her to come with me to a therapist or to our church pastor. At first she refused both. Within a few weeks of that she reluctantly agreed to go with me to a therapist. She lasted about 4 sessions after which she refused to go back. I suggested a different therapist of her choosing. She refused. She accused me of trying to control her and push her. I responded by telling her that I never wanted to hear her say that again, that if she cared about our marriage that she would have to set up any therapy or meeting with our church pastor herself and that I would be happy to go.

She did surprise me by setting up a meeting with our church pastor.

So here we are. Trying to start anew (???).

There is no trust.

There is no intimacy.

Conversations are shallow or else they become argumentative.

Our children (all teenagers) do not know that their dear mother has committed adultery with a lesbian.

My wife and I have agreed not to tell them, at least not yet.

My wife is horribly afraid that the children might find out.

She has also stated that she doesn't want to confess her affair to our pastor or anyone in the church.

She also expects that I never will either.

She says she only wants to work out our relationship and faith issues with the pastor.

I am truly broken hearted here in Brooklyn. I fear there is so much more she is not telling me and may never tell me.

It's amazing how people who cheat want to hide it from the children so that if there is a divorce they can blame their partner.

Anyway - what do you want from her?

If she's making demands that she can continue her lie and now expects you to support that, it's pretty obvious she doesn't regret anything other than getting caught and has no desire to work on anything. She just doesn't want to lose her security and stability, but by her current behavior it's clear you're just something in the way for her. She's not taking responsibility. Honestly, if she's not prepared to start being honest, then if I were you I'd prepare for a life without her. All will be better off.

You say above that she "fell in love" with this woman? Have you begun to discuss what that might mean for your wife? Has she had these feelings for women before this? Has she suppressed them? Is she attracted to both men and women? Have you discussed with her the possibility that she may be bisexual or even a lesbian herself? You said she admitted she had no intention of stopping the affair until you found out about it. She may have broken things off with this woman, but only after she was "caught" so to speak. That suggests to me that she was happy to continue to deceive you, as long as you didn't know about it. I would be far more concerned and hurt by this fact, than I would about the actual affair itself.

If the affair was caused by her having confusion or doubts about her sexuality that she needed to straighten out, and she came to YOU and confessed to having it and told you it was over and that she wanted to work on your marriage, then I would say there is hope that through counseling, etc. you might be able to work it out. However, she admitted she had no intention of stopping it, and that she planned to continue lying to you. She only cut off ties on facebook, etc. with this woman because you told her to. Not because SHE wanted to. This is incredibly important. You can "keep an eye on her" all you want, but if she no longer respects the relationship (or you), then eventually she WILL stray again - and that goes ditto if she has realized via this affair that she is actually interested in women instead of men. You can't change either of those scenarios, so it is best that you have a long talk with her and find out NOW what she really wants.

Suggesting therapy and going to talk to a church pastor is a good idea - but only if she is willing and ready to work on the relationship. To insist that she go IS being controlling. You can't make her WANT to change or WANT to work at your marriage. And if she is gay or bisexual, therapy is not going to "fix" her. It isn't a condition you can cure.

I can understand not telling the children anything yet - you don't know yet what direction your relationship is going to take. You may have to wait a while before you ever know that and even if you DO get divorced, I would not suggest telling the kids yourself about the lesbian affair. Your wife should be the ones to tell them. If you do, then you look like the bad guy out to slander their mother. And if she has truly decided she prefers women over men, your kids will find out whether she tells them or not through her subsequent relationships.

Honestly, if it were me, I would walk away. Without a serious talk, it seems to me she doesn't really want to be in this marriage. She says she wants to work out her relationship and faith issues with the pastor - but not with you??? That feels to me like she wants out. You have to decide if you are willing to live with the mistrust and if you can handle the fact that she might be gay.

Honestly, I would get a divorce.

No trust = No relationship. Plus if she actually cared about staying with you she would be doing everything in her power to fix the relationship. If you do want to stay married and if I were in your position this is what I would say to her:

"(Name), IF our marriage is going to continue I need the following things to happen 1) Access to your facebook, cell phone, email etc at all times. 2) That we go to therapy. 3) That something be done about your job situation. If these three things are not done that I will assume you no longer want to be married and I will start the divorcee process."

Don't let you argue. Make it clear that without these steps you are out the door.

You are not doing yourself any favours by being so controlling and suspicious. This will not help the underlying factor that your wife fell in love with someone else (Who cares if it is a man or a woman). She obviously still loves you and her family and that's why she has not left you yet. I would stop telling her what to do and how to think. Leave the Pastor out of it, because he will just judge her for being in love and having sex with another woman. It seems like it is your intent to justify your controlling actions and have you and the pastor gang up on your wife for her "Sin", and because of that, it is clear, why your wife has no interest in going to the Church pastor to "Fix" her.

You need to drop your controlling fear and judgement on your wife. Speak to her openly that her desire to continue to see this other person who she has fallen in love with jeopardizes any chance to repair intimacy in your own marriage. Forgive her, stop being so controlling, and learn to live with the fact that she will make decisions no matter how much you try to monitor her. If she chooses to carry on seeing this other woman, you have to make it clear to her that you will not accept that and you will need to separate. Or, alternatively, you can choose to remain with your wife, keep your family together, and accept that she is in love with this woman, and this other relationship is now part of your life.

I completely disagree. The only reason she is staying with the family is so she isn't outed to her neighbors and church. She wants the comfort, security, and status of having a family, and she doesn't want to be the bad guy who broke up her family by having an affair. All her motivations are selfish. If she had non-selfish motivations she would have continued therapy and changed her job. That would have shown she actually cared.

Why should he no be somewhat controlling for a little while? She broke his trust and its her job to gain it back. Why should the OP let himself be walked all over when he is the victim here?

OP remember the old saying, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Your life is half way through that saying, she still works with her lover. Do you honestly thing NOTHING will be happening between them ever again?

I completely disagree. The only reason she is staying with the family is so she isn't outed to her neighbors and church. She wants the comfort, security, and status of having a family, and she doesn't want to be the bad guy who broke up her family by having an affair. All her motivations are selfish. If she had non-selfish motivations she would have continued therapy and changed her job. That would have shown she actually cared.

I do not disagree with the fact that she is scared about the judgement and ridicule she will receive from her neighbours and church if she is outted and leaves her controlling husband for another woman. To say it is her Only reason would require you to have inside knowledge of her motives and of course you don't because none of us are mind readers. I tend to believe she is staying because it is a mix of fear for the judgements and also all the hard work she has invested into building her family and marriage. What’s wrong with wanting comfort and security? Who just up and walks away from that? By tightening his grip on her, BiB will just push her farther away, destroying any chance for future intimacy. At the end of the day both husband and wife will have to make a choice with what they are willing to live with.

I don't think it is controlling to object to a spouse cheating.

My final thoughts on this is that the problem here is not the affair, it is not the wife falling in love with someone else, the problem is that unidentified “wall” that has built up over 20 years of marriage which caused husband and wife to take each other for granted and stop nurturing the love which is required in a happy, healthy marriage. There is no "Bad Guy" in a marriage, both are responsible to keep it going. Controlling her activities, monitoring her behaviour to see if she's cheated again will not solve why she cheated in the first place. BiB has to look inside, along with his wife, and see where things went wrong, forgive each other, choose to show love and trust one another again, then move on.

Yes, yes, yes.

Controlling? That's got to be coming from a cheater or former cheater. And he has every right to be suspicious and would be a complete fool not to be.

Zero tolerance for cheating. Don't care what reason you have, cheating is the wrong answer.

What do I want from my wife?

Honesty.

I feel that she is not being honest with herself let alone me.

She seems confused.

We have had discussions about her sexual past. I have asked her if she has ever had same sex experiences, or thoughts or fantasies.

She says no, not until this individual she had the affair with. She claims she never looked lustfully at another man or woman.

That she does not even do that now. I find all this very hard to believe.

Regarding "fixing" anything, I know well enough not to attempt to "fix" her sexual preference.

Our meetings with our Pastor are focused on spiritual togetherness, emotional relationship and forgiveness in our relationship.

We discuss our past and present difficulties without addressing the affair. I know this is rediculous and unfair to me, but I am hoping

in time that she will confess and make it part of the dialogue.

Perhaps our relationship might be repairable.

Not necessarily, however, if she has not been honest with me all these years about

her inner desires or perhaps was not even aware that she was suppressing them. Also, if she is certain that her preference has changed now in mid-life, then

I don't think it realistic to attempt to reconcile. She has stated that she has a low libido. And she has confessed that she has felt physically awkward with me all

through the marriage. I have suffered through a very sparse sex life in our marriage for twenty years.

I certainly would leave it up to her to tell the children should we end up divorced.

She has asked me not to mention divorce again. But she seems more upset by the fact of her affair being "outed" than being seperated from me.

Honestly, a part of me does feel like walking away. But I know it would be absolutely horrible for the kids if I just walked out now.

It would economically terrible as well for me in this state because it is all "no fault" here.

I am hoping for now. And trying to be patient. I know this might not end well.

It would be a lot better if she would just open up more and be open and honest, whatever the outcome.

Honestly, a part of me does feel like walking away. But I know it would be absolutely horrible for the kids if I just walked out now.

Common misconception. And why would you be the one to walk away? Your wife has already done that and given she's not taking responsibility or being honest, you're out of options.

Artyo I disagree with you as well.

My advice would be divorce for many reasons. One, you got cheated on. Not only were you cheated on, she told you clearly that her intent was to never let you know what was going on. She intended to keep on cheating on you. That means no respect for your role as husband and father of her children. Two, her desires ain't clear. Does she want to be a lesbian? Is she bi-sexual? Does she even know what she wants? If she wants to be a lesbian or bi, and wants to act upon it, it will only be a matter of time before another affair comes along, and she will make sure to hide it better this time. Three, she does NOT want to fix the problem, and even worse, she complains and accuses you of trying to control her. She has NO RESPECT FOR YOU. If a woman doesn't respect you nothing else matters. Its over. I believe her agreeing and coming to terms to seek some help after the fact is just so that she can appease the situation, but I don't sense that she really wants to address the true issues here.

And what do you mean.. "no fault" .. Cheating is "no fault" ???

No fault just means that when they get a divorce, the fact that it was entirely her fault in reality will be completely ignored from a legal standpoint. So, she will still get half or more depending on how good of a lawyer she gets.

"No Fault" refers to the fact that New York State is a "No Fault" zone regarding the legal aspects of divorce.

The courts here do not take into account the fault of the adulterer. Maybe that happened in the 19th century.

Definitely not now.

Everything your wife does is selfish. Honestly, you are letting yourself be taken advantage of. She is walking all over you with zero consequences. Let me guess, therapy wasn't going the way she wanted it to go, so she stopped.

Please, get out of this relationship and find someone who respects you.

Another thing I would do is to start seeing a therapist just for yourself to explore why you think so little of yourself that you continue in a relationship with a disrespectful, selfish, untrustworthy person. Do you really think she will EVER be honest with your pastor? The answer is no, she won't. Because that would mean admitting that she did something wrong and losing face.

She is being hugely selfish!

Yes, she was offended by a few comments the therapist made, especially that the majority of people would suggest she leave the job.

I am starting with another therapist next week.

She has admitting to our pastor of doing a lot of things wrong in our relationship.

What if she does eventually confess the affair to him? Say within another couple of months?

I am hoping she will. I know am risking more disrespect. Perhaps I'm just signing up for more grief.

Call me a fool, but my investment of twenty years is too much for me to give up on just yet.

Well, if you want to try and stick it out give yourself a timeline. For example, if she doesn't start therapy again or confess to the pastor in the next month, you walk out the door. Something like that.

So...Moontiger...that's it huh...one more month and then I can sign up for potentially 30% of my salary going to her for child support plus maybe some alimony cause she doesn't make as much as me.

So perhaps close to 50% of my income could be mandated by court order to her because I am only willing to wait one more month?

Economically, I think I might have to be stuck till my youngest is clear of the 18 or 20 years of age (5 to 7 years in the future).

I can't imagine she could keep herself from another affair that long if she is truly not interested in our marriage.

I know these are horribly sad scenarios, but these are my options at the moment besides the miracle of reconciliation.

I agree!

This woman's actions clearly shows has no interest or respect in the marriage. She would have continued to deceive the family as long as possible. Her only concern is is for her image to society and family. Do yourself a favor. Get out!

So...Moontiger...that's it huh...one more month and then I can sign up for potentially 30% of my salary going to her for child support plus maybe some alimony cause she doesn't make as much as me.

So perhaps close to 50% of my income could be mandated by court order to her because I am only willing to wait one more month?

 

Economically, I think I might have to be stuck till my youngest is clear of the 18 or 20 years of age (5 to 7 years in the future).

 

I can't imagine she could keep herself from another affair that long if she is truly not interested in our marriage.

 

I know these are horribly sad scenarios, but these are my options at the moment besides the miracle of reconciliation.

I would contact a divorce lawyer and just get some information so you know exactly how much money your would be out. Once you have all the information you can make your choice.

Already met with a lawyer. Already referenced what he told me in the thread above.

Already wrote about my options above. It is not easy to act in my shoes. It is always

easier to give advice when your not in the shoes. I do appreciate everyone's input.

But - ...I am the one with the memories. I am the one with the relationships with my children.

Call me a fool, but I can't give up hope just yet.

I was reading the paper today and thought of this thread. Divorce lawyers are seeing a drastic increase in the number of woman paying alimony and child-support to their ex husbands. Why? Because there are more woman in more high paying jobs.

The world is changing, maybe slowly but equally is coming (even all the parts of it we don't like!). Contact a lawyer and get all the information you can!

My final thoughts on this is that the problem here is not the affair, it is not the wife falling in love with someone else, the problem is that unidentified “wall” that has built up over 20 years of marriage which caused husband and wife to take each other for granted and stop nurturing the love which is required in a happy, healthy marriage. There is no "Bad Guy" in a marriage, both are responsible to keep it going. Controlling her activities, monitoring her behaviour to see if she's cheated again will not solve why she cheated in the first place. BiB has to look inside, along with his wife, and see where things went wrong, forgive each other, choose to show love and trust one another again, then move on.

Are you kidding? This is PRECISELY why the marraige is now in trouble!! His wife let her commitment stray - and there is really nothing he could have done to prevent this, absolutely NOTHING!!!

The base evel here is that one partner let personal self[ish] interest get between her and her commitment to the other partner. She not only decided to have this affair, but she knowingly decided to hide it from him for as long as she could. It was her litlte easter egg - it's not his fault she got into this game!

I would say that separating may be a very safe, natural order...and the best thing that could have ever happened to HER...