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Fiance left me after 9 years - 8 together 1 engaged...


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Hello All,

 

I figured I would finally post on here after lurking for the last two months. Why not right? I am 25 she is 24. We have been together for 9 years total. Two months ago she she asked for a break, weirdly right before I was going in for jaw surgery, which hurt me pretty back. She still came to the surgery and stood with me the night after, but I felt it was out of guilt.

 

She didn't talk to me for two months and then sent me a text saying that the break seemed more like a break up now and that she broke up with me. She cancelled the wedding. Gave me the I am so confused, love you, not in love with you...we don't do anything anymore etc excuses. I admit I haven't been the funnest recently but I am not a terrible person. We have never really fought in the last 9 years at all, we've traveled the world once or twice a year and have been working to save for our wedding/house the last 3 years out of college.

 

She still has the engagement ring. The diamond is her grandma's and the setting I purchased. We agreed that she could hold onto it for 4 months until the end of her job which she also quit recently. I kind of regret this because I was thinking with my heart and not head when I agreed to this. When I brought up getting the ring back she said I thought we agreed we can wait and I can have 4 months to figure out my life.

 

I have been going through the roller coaster of emotions and it is certainly not fun. I do not wish this on my worst enemy. I give her the benefit of "a break" "time" "space" because I love her and loved her since she is 15 years old. I kind of lost respect for her as a human being for making me go to 10 wedding halls, selecting the menu, food tasting etc, only to cancel the wedding 5 months later.

 

I guess really what I am trying to do here is find out if I should contact her and get the ring back and sever all communication completely. We have only talked 4-5 times in the last 2+ months. I am not trying to be her emotional crutch through this. It sucks as I have lost her as my best friend, her family which I loved and my fiance. It kind of feels good to vent on here and participate. I would love to get back with her but i know that is my heat speaking. thanks eNA.

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That's a really tough situation, Cooper. You guys are young, though, and getting married without ever having dated other guys is tough for a woman in today's world. I think it's fair to ask for the ring back, however, though certainly do it in a short but kind way.

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Yes. Get your ring back, tell her you changed your mind and that you're planning on moving on with your life. Right now, she sounds as if she just doesn't know if she's ready for marriage. 9 years is a long time, but unfortunately these prime years were spent in your teen and adolescent stages. So at 24, she's still an extremely young woman with very limited dating experience. So she's probably thinking of the grass being greener. You see, only someone who's been there and done that (more experienced) would know that the grass really ain't all that much damn greener on the otherside. Telling this to her or trying to convince her otherwise of her decision would be like talking to a brick wall. She's 24, she's young and she wants to date around a little more before committing herself to a marriage, makes sense, but it is misleading after 9 years of being in a relationship.

 

I would definitely get the ring back ASAP and then work on rebuilding your life from this point. I would also sever communication with her after you get the ring. If then in the future you feel ready to talk, then I don't see that being a big deal. Right now, healing is the most important. First things first, get the ring back.

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Thanks everyone for your advice I really appreciate it. I have wore down my friends ears by yapping about it all day as well as my family. In regard to the diamond being her grandma's it will have to go to a jeweler to be removed. I do not want that, just the setting so i can at least sell it or something.

 

I am pretty disappointed and feel fooled that someone can go to 10 jewelry stores to pick out a setting, 5 wedding halls to pick out a hall and taste food to select the menu for the wedding and just leave me like trash out of no where. I imagine this has been building up but there really weren't any signs whatsoever. You think you know someone and you grew up with them but really you only know yourself.

 

She was always a quiet girl which was one of the things I enjoyed about her. She wasn't ms. party girl, bar fly. I guess she things that there are bigger and better things and why settle for someone that is the only person you know. I understand that, but at least bring it up or something or try and work on problems. I can't see reconciling with her after she goes and dates around if that is her motivation. I would be too hurt and upset. Who knows if that is even a possibility.

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I am going to get the ring back I decided, with everyone's help of course When I agreed with her I was really hoping I would be able to get back with her at the end of the 4 months, but really, that probably won't happen. I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. Meet her after work tomorrow? Have my brother go and pick it up, as well as some of my other belongings?

 

In my head I can logically think what to do, but then my heart interferes and tells me to make sure my decisions leave a chance for reconciliation.

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I think if it is her grandma's diamond, you should tell her to have a jeweler remove the diamond and you get the ring back and she keeps the diamond. She may be hesitant to give it back because she feels the diamond is hers (which is really is) and she should keep that, while you paid for the ring itself and should get that back minus the diamond.

 

If you suggest that, she might be more willing to let you have it back.

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I think if it is her grandma's diamond, you should tell her to have a jeweler remove the diamond and you get the ring back and she keeps the diamond. She may be hesitant to give it back because she feels the diamond is hers (which is really is) and she should keep that, while you paid for the ring itself and should get that back minus the diamond.

 

If you suggest that, she might be more willing to let you have it back.

 

i think this is a good idea. even if you got it back, the first place you take it should be to the jewler (maybe the same one where they did the setting?) and then give it back to her.

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She didn't treat you like trash. Trust me if she has doubts now you don't want to be married to her. You deserve someone who is sure about you. Hang in there.

 

Perhaps trash isn't the correct word. I feel very disrespected that is all. I'm going to ask her to have her mom get the diamond removed and then figure out how to get it back, via myself or my brother in person.

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here is a potential option - can she take it to the jeweler where you got the stone set - and then once it's been removed, can you just pick up the band from the store? maybe you guys can work out an arrangement like that? or yes, send over a relative to pick it up,...?

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here is a potential option - can she take it to the jeweler where you got the stone set - and then once it's been removed, can you just pick up the band from the store? maybe you guys can work out an arrangement like that? or yes, send over a relative to pick it up,...?

 

That seems like a good plan, the jeweler is in our town so it could work. Worst comes to worst I will have a relative grab it for me. I feel like if she kept it "to figure out her life in the next 4 months" I am just really delaying my healing process (this is what my logical self feels). My emotional self feels like if she keeps it increases the chance she may come back, but i can tell how silly that seems.

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well, i mean, she's already broken up with you, so i don't see why holding onto a ring symbolically would either hurt or help your chances back with her. if anything, i think that being in limbo is hurting you. and maybe she needs to realize that this is over over and if she has a chance to miss you, she might get back with you? i don't know. i think that this might be an instance of her needing to go out, date some other men, see what else is out there, before knowing if you were right or not. blah. chances are though, if she ever comes to the realization that you were the one, it will be too late as you've moved on yourself. i wouldn't recommend waiting around for her. and if she wants you back, she is the one who has to make the effort and the grand gestures, not you.

 

i don't know if any of that makes any sense, but just get the ring back.

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by the way, whether or not you get the ring back, i would say that things are over and you should treat them as such. the ring is just a symbolism. i hope you get your money back, but even if you don't, that's still way cheaper than a wedding followed by a divorce.

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by the way, whether or not you get the ring back, i would say that things are over and you should treat them as such. the ring is just a symbolism. i hope you get your money back, but even if you don't, that's still way cheaper than a wedding followed by a divorce.

 

I don't think I will have a problem getting it back, though I don't know why she hasn't agreed to give it back yet. She isn't a jewelry girl and I was never allowed to give her any as a gift in the last 9 years.

 

This is exactly why I posted here so I can get logical outside-perspectives to my scenario. She broke it off, its over. The ring is really nothing but precious metal. It has nothing to do with our relationship. I am going to send her a text or email about it soon. I don't think she deserves a call as she did everything through text after she decided to go on a break.

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Is it possible she does think she can waltz back into your life as your fiancée when and if she feels like it?

 

I guess that could be a possibility. She has said things like "I just can't do this right now" and that she could use the next 4 months (left in her job she quit) to "figure out her life." She has just been so confusing in the last few times I spoke with her I don't know what to believe or think. I still haven't contacted her about the ring, I was thinking an email or text tonight. She cancelled the wedding through a text so I mean it's only right.

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I think you should get the ring back. I suggest you sever ties respectfully after, and let her know she can contact you if she re-considers wanting to be with you, and you'll listen to what she has to say....but that you're not waiting around and you're moving on. It sounds as though you don't want to just completely slam the door shut after 9 years, so this would allow you to leave the door open a crack while moving on. If she ever comes back into your life, you can always turn her down if you can't forgive her or if you've moved on and aren't interested. She probably has a lot of guilt over what she's doing to you, so when she's thinking about you or you're contacting her...she's going to associate you with that feeling rather than feeling romantic feelings toward you. If you hope she comes back then you have to give her a lot of time and space to sort it out without you being there, it's probably causing her pain to see you in pain she's the cause of....which isn't going to help how she feels about you.

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Really? She thought it would be cool and okay of her to hold on to an engagement ring for an engagement that has been broken for 4 months so that she can figure things out while you sit in anxiety and limbo during that time??? And she did all this through trext?? Wow...That is incredibly selfish and thoughtless of your feelings.

 

I think you need to send a very clear, firm, yet civil email stating that you would like the engagement ring cleared before having to wait another 2 months. That is extremely unfair to you and you shouldn't be expected to live in limbo like this.

 

You know you need to stand up for yourself here...Don't be a doormat.

 

I'm very sorry for what you've had to go through. I'm sure it wasn't/isn't easy.

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She didn't treat you like trash. Trust me if she has doubts now you don't want to be married to her. You deserve someone who is sure about you. Hang in there.

 

She did it over text, of all things, and now she wants to play wishy-washy for a couple months.

 

That's the very essence of trashy treatment...

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