How my life went crazy

Hi, I'm a 20 year old artist and musician and this is the story of how my life went crazy. Just so you know, there will be some longwinded descriptions in order to preserve anonymity, please excuse them.

A few months ago, I decided to embark on a journey to visit a friend who I had known for a couple years. She was living half-way accross the country, and I was going to visit her and her friends, check out a college there that I was interested in, and just generally see if it was somewhere I wanted to move to, because it was part of the country I had wanted to live it for a while. So, I bought the train ticket and left. My girlfriend of 2 years at the time was pushing engagement on me, a subject I avoided since I felt like we were growing apart, although I couldn't bring myself to tell her I thought so... While I was visiting this friend, I started to feel like I just might have feelings for her as something more than friends. Out of nowhere my girlfriend calls and starts accusing me of cheating on her. I tell her I hadn't, and she asked if there was "something going on" between me and the girl I was visiting. I said "kind of, but-" and she cut me off to yell at me, then hung up and deleted and blocked me from facebook. When the girl I was visiting found out she was comforting to me and things got physical.

The reason this is all really crazy is that her roommate seemed really into me too. Her roommate slept in my bed with me one of the nights, and told me she liked me. This made the girl I went to visit pissed, obviously, but not wanting to ruin her friendship with her roommate she didn't really say much about it. So, it was time for me to head back home, with all this confusion and turmoil causing me severe attacks of anxiety, panic, depression... The train ride back was slow and sad.

When I returned home, still having not been able to get a hold of my now-ex-girlfriend, I found out that she told everyone that I had cheated on her, and that all of my best friends were extremely mad at me. I finally was able to talk to her and she told me that the only way she would forgive me and for us to still be friends is if I didn't date the girl I went to visit, and she in fact encouraged me to date the roommate who liked me just as a sort of revenge. I cared a lot about my ex and wanted really badly for us to have an understanding and be friends, so her suggestion was in the back of my mind when I booked my one-way ticket back out. I was talking to other people who were friends of the ex-boyfriend this girl I went to visit. This guy had been abusive to her, but he had some sort of strange charisma so that he made it seem like it was actually her fault and that she was abusive to him. Anyway, the only friends I had to talk to didn't like the girl I went to visit because this guy had convinced them all that she was a backstabber or whatever, so they all told me I should date the roommate instead.

Before I went back, I ended things with the girl I went to visit, I told her that my feelings for her had been confused and mostly a result of my breakup with my ex, which I did believe at the time. So, when I got back to the place I went to visit, my relationship with the roommate progressed. We talked about all kinds of things and laughed and had great chemistry. This girl for a few years had been the type who drank and partied and had one-night stands with random guys, I guess kind of as a way of coping with a really harsh breakup she had. I think that to her, I symbolize a kind of getting back to normalcy, being in a monogamous relationship. Well, things were good for a while, the girl I went to visit and her roommate and I all got along, and I became friends with all of their friends in the city, but... As my relationship with the roommate... settled? I started to think about the girl who I went to visit, who I moved halfway accross the country for, who I had been physical with, who I love, wait... who I love!? NO!

Okay, so what the eff? Now apparently my heart decides it is madly in love with the first girl after all? That is so STUPID! I can't describe how frustrated I was that I found myself always thinking about her, especially now that I was pretty established as being her roommate's boyfriend. I took my frustration out on her, I was rude and mean to her, I made fun of her, because I was mad at her. No, I was mad at myself. Really mad. How could I have picked the wrong girl? And now what do I do? I can't break up with the roommate, what if she falls back into a cesspool of drunken * * * * ty misery again? Why can't I stop thinking about this girl? Well, this girl took my being mean to her, because I was her friend's boyfriend, but for no other reason. Eventually, she told me that she has no reason to talk to me other than that I am her roommate and best friend's boyfriend. That hurt, and it made me more angry, at myself, at her, at the situation. So I was meaner, I couldn't help it. I've apologized to her a few times and I am never mean when its just us, but whenever im around my new girlfriend (the roommate) I am a total jerk to her and I can't help it. Whenever I look at her I think "I love you so effing much!" but I CAN'T love her! Because I'm in a relationship.

Well, It's been some months and I have moved back home again, so has this girl, and so has my girlfriend.. I really don't know what to do, I don't know if a relationship would work between me and the first girl because she tends to make really irrational decisions on a whim, like to hitchhike to some faraway corner of the country or to shave her head or to do cartwheels in public randomly or burn her ukelele while on acid. Yeah, I know those seem like crazy things but I love that she does them, but I don't know... I could travel with her and I'd be happy. But maybe I should just stay with my current girlfriend, she loves me so much and would do anything for me, but I just feel like I'm not as attentive to her as I could be and that she could find someone who doesn't spend all their time working on music or painting and drawing and who can get a good decent paying job to support her. I don't know. I don't want to bring any of this up, I don't want to hurt either of them, but hiding the truth seems to have caused a lot more harm than anything else I've done. But still! I don't know! How do I say it? How can I not hurt these people I care about but still let them know how I'm feeling? Why do I fall in love so easily and randomly? I don't know what kind of response someone could give, I just want to know how I can get back the respect of this girl who was my friend for 3 years but now after i treated her so bad... and should i let my girlfriend know this stuff or maybe its all just me thinking too much about everything. i dont know.

that's my story. lot's of drama, and probably not that unique of a situation really, but its tearing me apart