A Love Unfufillied

It started off with texting (everything seems to nowadays, doesn’t it?), and what first surprised me was that I didn’t mind it. I’m of an old mindset where it seems stupid to constantly be texting; why not just call the person if you have something to say, or why not just wait until you next see them to say what you need to? Texting has always seemed monotonous and stupid. My last boyfriend would text me all of the time with really insignificant things, like, “Hey, what’s up?” and “I’m bored,” and “So what did you have for dinner?” You know, filler-conversations because neither of us really had anything to say. All the time when he did this I would just be thinking, “Is this texting thing really necessary…? It seems pointless…”

I didn’t break up with him over the texting though; I didn’t think I would ever love him, and even if I was a bit lonely it seemed cruel to continue a relationship that I didn’t believe would work out in the end. I’m not about flings; I want something lasting… That’s the girl in me for you.

I’m not even sure how this girl and I exchanged numbers… it might have been for an assignment at school, or maybe she had to contact me for something… I don’t know; it was three years ago during my junior year of high school. I know we became friends before exchanging numbers though. But anyways, the point is that she started texting me a lot. And it wasn’t like those stupid conversations where it loops into a routine question line-up. We still didn’t talk of anything of importance really, but we have long conversations with each other. Eventually we got to the point of texting each other every day, all day. I’m not kidding; from when I woke up to when I went to bed we would text the entire day away with hardly any pauses in between. Not short stuff either. Each text we send each other is at least 2 text-boxes worth of information. We joke around that we text novels to each other. Nobody understand how we text so much, and each time either of us has our phone out our friends would say, “Oh, texting her again?”

Heh, if you want to know the truth, I’m actually texting her as I write this… For about three years it’s been this way…

None of this conversation was relationship stuff. It was pure friendship. And at first I didn’t really think much on it. I assumed she was just one of those people who text a lot and that all of her friends must not like texting and that she must be lonely… and even though I thought texting was stupid I was happy to take on the role of a texter if it meant I got to talk to her more.

I don’t remember how, but one day we got on the conversation of texting in person, and I was kind of joking that she texts everybody so much that I didn’t know how she had time to do anything. She kind of stared at me oddly and said she isn’t really a texter, and I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the floor. I was flabbergasted. She said that I’m really the only one she texts.

Another time, maybe a year after that last mention, we got on this conversation again, and even though the thought made me sad I said jokingly something along the line of that she only texts me because she’s lonely and no one else she knows like to converse through texts… and she said that she probably started texting me because she was lonely and that I always texted back so she kept conversing with me. She also said that now she has plenty of people to text, but I’m really the only one she likes texting at length with.

She isn’t friendless either, which is what surprised me most that I’m the one she texts the most. Neither of us are popular or anything (God, that would be terrible and we’d both be miserable, haha…), but she does know quite a bit of people… She’s had a best friend since elementary school as well. So I couldn’t and still don’t really understands why she texts me so much.

All this time I didn’t like her in “that” way. She certainly didn’t either. If she ever said she loved me or really liked me she would be sure to tag on that it was in a friendly manner. I’m guessing she said that to make sure I didn’t like her in “that” way and so that I wouldn’t get any ideas… And yet, here I am… I ended up falling in love with her.

It’s really strange for me… I’ve never liked a girl before. In fact, girls are weird. I don’t understand them and their problems, even if I’m a girl as well. I thought I was so lucky to be born a girl, though, because that meant I could fall in love with some guy and be really happy; I like guys’ personalities so much more. They’re usually out and open about how they think on things. With girls you have to wonder what they actually think all of the time. It’s exhausting.

I don’t have a problem with same-sex relationships or anything like that. I just really didn’t believe that I could fall in love with a girl. I mean, the heck? I’ve only ever liked guys…

But during the first semester of college (we ended up going to the same school, but we aren’t roomies because my other friend had asked me to be her roommate) somehow I realized I loved her. In more than a friendly way. She’s always on my mind, and her happiness means more to me than anything in the world… I go out of my way a lot if I think it’ll make her happy. I’d do anything for her, and she’s the only one I want to be with…

A bit after this revelation some guy asked her out… and I instantly hated him. With a passion. I’m such a passive person that I hardly ever feel anger, and yet every time he was mentioned or when I knew she was with him I would be furious and in an ill mood. I like to think I didn’t act out these emotions, no one has said anything about it to me, but I was really so jealous. So jealous. I’ve never been jealous before, which just made me realize that I really am in love with her.

The most they’ve ever done was a peck on the lips because she never wanted to go further than that… She told me she didn’t even really want the kissing either. But whenever that kissing was mentioned I thought I’d go crazy.

Thankfully after a few months they broke up… I was ecstatic… It’s pathetic that I was so happy. But it meant I got to spend more time with her…

I have such a terrible self-esteem too; basically nonexistent. Every time she goes out to hang with friends I get terrified that she will think they’re better than me and then end up leaving me behind in her heart… Not that she has the personality to do that, but the fear is there. Always. Especially if there’s a guy in the group. My biggest fear is that she will fall in love or start going out with somebody again… and yet my greatest wish is for her to be happy… and if her being in love with someone else will make her happy (which I know it should) I’m in such a confliction…

She’s told me that she doesn’t particularly want a relationship. She’s fine growing up as a cat lady, and she thinks that a relationship is too much stress. In fact, she also suspects that she may be asexual because she’s never had sexual thoughts about anyone.

This is the really weird part too, I suppose… I didn’t really think about sex or anything along those kinds of lines before either. If I’ve had a crush on someone it’s really only because I thought they were interesting, and it wasn’t that serious of a feeling. I’ve never looked at someone and thought, “Homigosh, they’re so hot, I’d totally do them!!” (my edition of a prep girl in lust… I dunno, haha). It’s just never been on my mind…

But now it is. Because of her. I’ve never imagined anything more than kissing her, but I’ve thought of that alone enough that it’s very embarrassing. And if I ever let my thoughts progress I think the thoughts would go further than that… And now I know that I love her in “that” “that” way as well… I’ve never thought about kissing someone else before either.

But she will never love me… No, I don’t think she will. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I’ve thought a lot about cutting off our friendship and distancing myself but… I love her too much. I’d rather have her in my life (even if it’s not fully the way I want her to be in it) than not at all. This is a love that will never be fulfilled and yet… I can’t stop feeling this way.

Here’s the biggest kicker; we are rooming together next year for our sophomore year of college. And I’m in love with her “that” way. God. I would never assault or try to push myself on her, or watch her if she’s dressing or anything, but I don’t know if I can contain these feelings… I know they will never be returned, and I know that rooming with her is going to be hard but… It’s stupid. I don’t want anyone else to have her. And if I can’t have her then at least I have this time to live with her… It feels so dirty though. She doesn’t know of my feelings for her. It feels terrible of me to live with her feeling this way, and yet… I’m so selfish.

I will always love her… When I love someone, it’s not frivolous. I can’t get angry, say I never loved them, and go on and forget that person in my life. When I get emotionally attached, I’m emotionally attached forever.

… What do I do about these feelings? I don’t think I can fall in love with someone else as long as I feel this way for her. Should I try to find someone despite that? Isn’t that terribly rude for my future date (if I ever find someone to date) while being in love with someone else? And I’m not even good at getting into relationships… I’ve been asked out a lot before (surprisingly enough), but I’ve only ever had one boyfriend. That never got serious. We’ve only kissed on the cheek before, and I broke it off after two months.

I don’t know what to do, and these feelings are suffocating… and even if she will never love me, a part of me still holds some sliver of hope that one day she might…