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Thread: When dumpers turn mean...

  1. #1
    xstar
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    When dumpers turn mean...

    I feel like 99% of dumpees, myself included, are always shocked by how mean and cold the dumper becomes. Rationally thinking about it, someone that you spent a significant of time with can't forget you or just turn mean to someone they where with for such a long time overnight... people just don't work that way unless they are sociopaths (and I doubt that 99% of dumpers are sociopaths). I'm fairly certain, that unless you were the worst partner ever, it's a defense mechanism. Much like when teenagers start to 'hate' their parents - they don't really hate them, but its a way of emotionally detaching from the situation and the person.

    So ex's aren't mean, cruel or cold.. they are just lying to themselves to detach from the situation. Come to think of it, I actually think that it's the ex's with the minimal reaction that act like nothing happened are the ones who are not effected by the break up.

    But I guess knowing that my ex doesn't actually hate me doesn't make me feel any better

  2. #2
    Natasha24
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    I completely agree with what you're saying.
    My ex cheated on me a month before our wedding and dumped me over the PHONE. He turned into a complete jerk. At first I thought "Did I do something wrong that I'm ignoring?" but after talking to him and hearing his excuses for cheating, I didn't.
    They just turn into s so they don't have to deal with the horrible things they had done.

    My ex literally said to me "Why are so mad? I didn't do anything wrong." My head just about exploded from that logic. I said to him "Don't you realize you ruined my life and did an absolutely unforgivable, horrible thing to me?" And he just shrugged.

    It is a defence mechanism. It's easier for them to be jerks to you than for them to realize "I'm a bad person and I did a horrible thing to someone who cares about me"

  3. #3
    raindropcity
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    Most definitely it is a defense mechanism and I don't know anything about you and how long you've been in the dating scene but one of these days you will find yourself ending up as the dumper where somehow things come to a head and you just bid farewell and end it... abruptly. Usually such behavior is the result of complete exhaustion at having to maintain the charade that you still have feelings for that person (or see great potential) and that everything is alright. For the normal decent human being, the last thing in the world you want to do is hurt the person who is so head over heals in love with you and, because of that, you end up experiencing a lot of guilt on your end because you can't reciprocate that same level of intensity back to them.... yet, you keep hoping that will change and they in turn keep loving you regardless that they have been sensing that about you since day one.

  4. #4
    xstar
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    Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. Your ex sounds like a real jerk. I hope that you move and never speak to him again. Seriously.

  5. #5
    xstar
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    So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him.

  6. #6
    raindropcity
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    But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal.

  7. #7
    alexia29
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    Quote Originally Posted by raindropcity [Register to see the link]
    In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones.
    Completely agree. It's about finding something with which they can rationalize their decision for a breakup so that they don't feel bad.

  8. #8
    raindropcity
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    Same here xstar.... It's amazing isn't it? How so many of our stories are the same? Immaturity, that's what it all boils down to and I'm to find that for many, this does not change with age.



    Quote Originally Posted by xstar [Register to see the link]
    So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him.

  9. #9
    xstar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raindropcity [Register to see the link]
    But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal.
    I doubt that most dumpers fall into this category.. and I think that's a very depressing belief to hold on to.

  10. #10
    raindropcity
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    I know -- you're right. This is why us nice ones screw up so much because we fail to look outside of ourselves to realize that there are others out there who are not like we are. And that is the long and short of it.

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