Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: When dumpers turn mean...

  1. #1
    xstar
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141

    When dumpers turn mean...

    I feel like 99% of dumpees, myself included, are always shocked by how mean and cold the dumper becomes. Rationally thinking about it, someone that you spent a significant of time with can't forget you or just turn mean to someone they where with for such a long time overnight... people just don't work that way unless they are sociopaths (and I doubt that 99% of dumpers are sociopaths). I'm fairly certain, that unless you were the worst partner ever, it's a defense mechanism. Much like when teenagers start to 'hate' their parents - they don't really hate them, but its a way of emotionally detaching from the situation and the person.

    So ex's aren't mean, cruel or cold.. they are just lying to themselves to detach from the situation. Come to think of it, I actually think that it's the ex's with the minimal reaction that act like nothing happened are the ones who are not effected by the break up.

    But I guess knowing that my ex doesn't actually hate me doesn't make me feel any better

  2. #2
    Natasha24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    1,952
    Thanked
    94
    I completely agree with what you're saying.
    My ex cheated on me a month before our wedding and dumped me over the PHONE. He turned into a complete jerk. At first I thought "Did I do something wrong that I'm ignoring?" but after talking to him and hearing his excuses for cheating, I didn't.
    They just turn into s so they don't have to deal with the horrible things they had done.

    My ex literally said to me "Why are so mad? I didn't do anything wrong." My head just about exploded from that logic. I said to him "Don't you realize you ruined my life and did an absolutely unforgivable, horrible thing to me?" And he just shrugged.

    It is a defence mechanism. It's easier for them to be jerks to you than for them to realize "I'm a bad person and I did a horrible thing to someone who cares about me"

  3. #3
    raindropcity
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    Most definitely it is a defense mechanism and I don't know anything about you and how long you've been in the dating scene but one of these days you will find yourself ending up as the dumper where somehow things come to a head and you just bid farewell and end it... abruptly. Usually such behavior is the result of complete exhaustion at having to maintain the charade that you still have feelings for that person (or see great potential) and that everything is alright. For the normal decent human being, the last thing in the world you want to do is hurt the person who is so head over heals in love with you and, because of that, you end up experiencing a lot of guilt on your end because you can't reciprocate that same level of intensity back to them.... yet, you keep hoping that will change and they in turn keep loving you regardless that they have been sensing that about you since day one.

  4. #4
    xstar
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141
    Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. Your ex sounds like a real jerk. I hope that you move and never speak to him again. Seriously.

  5. #5
    xstar
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141
    So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him.

  6. #6
    raindropcity
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal.

  7. #7
    alexia29
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    171
    Quote Originally Posted by raindropcity [Register to see the link]
    In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones.
    Completely agree. It's about finding something with which they can rationalize their decision for a breakup so that they don't feel bad.

  8. #8
    raindropcity
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    Same here xstar.... It's amazing isn't it? How so many of our stories are the same? Immaturity, that's what it all boils down to and I'm to find that for many, this does not change with age.



    Quote Originally Posted by xstar [Register to see the link]
    So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him.

  9. #9
    xstar
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141
    Quote Originally Posted by raindropcity [Register to see the link]
    But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal.
    I doubt that most dumpers fall into this category.. and I think that's a very depressing belief to hold on to.

  10. #10
    raindropcity
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    I know -- you're right. This is why us nice ones screw up so much because we fail to look outside of ourselves to realize that there are others out there who are not like we are. And that is the long and short of it.

  11.  

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Top Threads
Should I delete my ex husband in Facebook?
The title says it all. We dated for 3 years married for4 and divorced in 2007. All he does is post pictures of him and his girlfriend and has a band
Broke NC because I had to. Need help.
Hey guys, I've been posting on this board a couple times this month mostly because I was proud of myself for competing a month of NC and starting
Dating detox...thoughts?
I never used to believe that people should wait until they are completely healed from something before embarking on the next similar "thing." This
Why Would One Delete/Hide Their Match.com Account?
I'm pretty sure you know why I ask, so judge away. He had account for 6 months, activity drastically dropped off as of two weeks ago. Today
Does no contact ever work?
So long story short, I was used, stood up multiple times, lied to, and played by the same guy in a short amount of time. I allowed it because I had
Not sure if i have the right to be annoyed or not
So my wife of 5 years (and 3 kids) separated about 2 months ago now for various reasons the main one being she cheated on me. She is now in an open
Ex's birthday is coming up
Hi guys. Just thought I'd put this question out there to see what general consensus is, as I'm having a bit of a heart vs ego situation. I broke up

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
Dating younger guy 24 years difference
I am 50 yrs old dating a 26 yrs old guy. We been dating each other for a couple months things are great between us. He told me he will always be
Boyfriend gets very angry if I mention his ex, is this normal?
Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5months. He broke up with his ex and a year and a half ago. 7 months after they
Should I let my boyfriend stay overnight with his friends?
Hi there. Firstly thank you for reading this post. I am a new member to this forum, and also will soon be new immigrant of the UK so basically there
Is this abuse?
Iím desperate for some advice. Iíve been with my partner for nearly 2 years and everything has been ok, except from when he drinks. I really do not
Is there hope for me?
Me and my girlfriend of two years had been talking about moving in together lately. We didn't actually go look at any place in person, but browsed a
Bringing up trust issues at the start of a new relationship? My situation...
Haven't been on these boards since my last break up a couple years ago, and here I am about to begin a new relationship with feelings from the last
Whats my next move - Dating a girl fresh out of a relationship
Hey guys, So heres the deal. Met a girl in class and I asked her out. Her answer was "maybe" because she didn't want to say no to me but just
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •