I have lost my son to his new mother in law.

Looking for some help not sure what to do. My son recently got married last June and they just had my first and only grandchild. He had been engaged for several years before getting married and was always told by her mother that he wasn't good enough. I have always supported him emotionally and sometime financially when ever he need help and we have always had a good relationship. I have always had a good relationship with my daughter in law as well they have even moved in with me on a couple of occasions, in which I have never ever ask her to lift a finger, I even washed their clothes for them. Anyway, her mother, has always been overbearing thinking she is much better than everyone else, and I am just a simple southern women, with not tons of cash. I guess it started at the extravagant wedding she had to impress her relative from the north. The day before I went to help decorate, only a handful of people were invited from my side of the family and his fathers side. His fathers side was prominently placed up front with their table. Myself and my family was place in the very back away form everything even further back than her housekeeper. Anyway I ask my son why and he made up a excuse and said it was a mistake. Well, I let that slide. Anyway they were living with me at the time of the wedding, and she got pregnant on her honeymoon. She was so afraid of telling her mother, she even sent her a email, which of course didn't sit well. Very soon after that she insisted that they move in with her grandfather who lived alone. So they did, as time went on I saw less and less of them and just thought they were busy. Well the past march 16th the baby was born and she had to have heart surgery. I guess it all started that day that I noticed anyway. The moment we were allowed to see her she push me aside to start posing with her. Every time I would go see her in the hospital she would hover over the baby and not even wanting me to touch her. Then it got worse, every time I would even go never her she would make may son to remind me to sanitize my hands, really, duh! She even started posting things on facebook, about people needing to keep their germs away. So I tried to limit my visits to when she wasn't there. Now the baby is fine, she is home but my son told me not to come over unless I called first. Which I do but she has been home for almost 2 weeks I have seen her 1 time. I didn't even get to see her on her first Easter. I have tried and tried this weekend to call and come over but they don't even answer the phone. Should I confront him or would that just make it worse? I am afraid if she has her way I will never see her again. please help I also wanted to added that I am concerned because her grandfather that they live with is on Chemo, and is very sick. Being she just had open heart surgery and is newborn is this dangerous.

You need to talk to your son. It is up to him to take a stand with his wife and his mother-in-law. If he won't take a stand and allows you to be bullied like this, then he is a very weak man and I suspect he himself is getting bullied in that marriage. There is not much you can do except talk to your son and then back off. As much as it hurts, you can't force someone to include you. I have been excluded from my brother and sister-in-law's life...I tried for many years to have a relationship with them but it was clear they weren't interested. It has been 1.5 years since I last spoke to my brother and I have absolutely no interest in speaking to him. Even if he called I am at the point where I would just blow him off after everything he has done. It took a while but I have accepted the fact that he is not someone who I could ever count on. I suspect your son and his wife are terrified of defying her mother, probably because there is money involved.

I also wanted to added that I am concerned because her grandfather that they live with is on Chemo, and is very sick. Being she just had open heart surgery and is newborn is this dangerous.

I don't understand; why is this dangerous

When you referred to " she" at rhe end of your post ( i.e. hovering over the baby, telling you to sanitize, etc) did you mean the MIL or your DIL?

I don't understand; why is this dangerous

 

The poor old guy is going though chemo and is having accidents all of the house, fecal matter in the air mixed with chemo?

The Mother in Law

I kind of feel an affinity for you through my mother. My brother's wife INSISTS her family comes first. Her family comes first in every situation. Her mother has even called my brother "her son" in front of our mother. It kind if left my mother thinking " I thought I gave birth to him and raised him." I get what you are saying about disparity of wealth too. My family is upper middle class but her father is a multi millionaire. Not that they ever put their money in your face ever, but it is kind of like silent thing. It is kind of like they swallowed up my brother because they do not have son only daughters.

Unfortunately when one has a son this seems to be what happens. He leaves his birth family behind and takes on his wife's family. Daughters tend to cling to their own family.

My mother has just learned to let it go and to ask her son to lunch one day a week so she can see him alone One day a week he takes 2 hours from work and has lunch with his mother.

Have no fear your son knows who you are, he knows who his mother is. Your grand daughter will come to know you. My nieces know my mother and they know me.

My advice would be: Your son and his wife just welcomed their new child into the world. Their child has special healthcare needs. Now is NOT the right time to confront anyone about anything. They are in a fragile state and need to focus on the baby right now, and transitioning to parenthood, and anything that creates added drama or conflict in their lives right now should be avoided at all costs.

The fact that they want visitors to call before coming over is perfectly reasonable, especially since they are trying to get into a routine, the baby needs to nap, and so do mom and dad. They might just want alone time for the 3 of them too. When I think back to when I had my son, one of my biggest sources of stress that drove me straight into postpartum depression was the sheer amount of visitors we had, starting at the hospital. Even my own mother annoyed me at that time. It was just a tough time in general.

Now, from what you posted, it sounds like you have a good relationship with both your son and your daughter in law. I know how badly you want to be there for them and how excited you must be about your first grandchild. Anyone would be lucky to have someone like you to support them as new parents. I think you should approach this VERY carefully.

First, respect the boundaries of the new family. Call and make plans with them to arrange a time to see the baby. As long as you get to see the baby in the end, the phone call should be a moot point. Second, don't visit when the other grandmother is there. Continue to avoid her, as you have. When you talk to your son to arrange the visit, tell him you were hoping you could visit by yourself because you miss all of them and want to spend quality time together.

Does your son have a cell phone? If so, call his cell phone directly. If he doesn't answer, leave a message letting him know you want to visit and you are waiting to hear back from him about when you can do so. Don't sound annoyed even though you are. Just leave a pleasant message "Hi its mom. I miss you all so much. Please call me back and let me know when I can visit". if you do want to reference how little you've seen the baby there is a way you can word it without putting them on the defense "I can't stop thinking about you all- I really miss you and I've only seen __baby's name____ once since he/she came home"

I want to add- I do really feel for you. I think my own sister is about to marry into a family like your DIL's. She is marrying a "momma's boy" in the worst way. I've met my sister's future MIL several times over the years, and she really rubs me the wrong way. Even with the wedding planning I see my sister favoring the MIL's wishes. I think when my sister has a child one day, her MIL will act like a jerk to my family and try to be "queen bee" and take over. I just count my blessings that my sister is strong enough and enough of a free thinker not to let that happen. I think ultimately it will work out ok, but I can't tell you how many times I wished I could chuck the bird at her future MIL for being feeble, annoying, and snooty.

OP, you might get some babysitting duty when everyone settles back into work. My mother babysat my brother's girls 3 days a week when they were too young for school and on the days they were not in school and all summer. Their other grandmother has them other days. For the most part there is peace in the family. My mom decided long ago to not argue with anyone and enjoy her grand kids when she saw them and to seek out her son on her own. Now half the time she is overwhelmed with grandkids all over.....lol.

I think a lot of what is going on right now has nothing to do with you or your son's feelings about you at all..

They've just had a sick baby barely a month ago, and are living with a old man with cancer, and their plate is so full of exhaustion and trouble and her overbearing mother, that they probably are just barely coping right now and need to get left alone to deal with it as best they can.

It is pretty 'normal' for a woman's mother to get involved when her daugther has a baby, more than the father's mother does, so her presence there instead of you taking care of her daughter and the baby is not really uncommon. And if she is by nature a nasty and overbearing women, then she is going to be that way about the baby and you too!

So your son and daughter in law are just barely coping and exhausted now, and have a baby with health issues to boot, so if you coming over and doing battle with the other MIL increases the tension, they will try to avoid it right now and that is understandable. They are probably coping as best they can considering the circumstances going on with a sick baby and a sick old man and an overbearing MIL in the house supposedly 'helping' her daughter but most likely also racketing up the pressure to about as much as they can stand so having you in the house battling with the other MIL and hovering over the sick baby is more than they can deal with. I know you see yourself as 'helping' but really, it is a case of too many cooks in the kitchen right now, and you need to put your grandmotherly hunger for that baby aside for a bit and let your son and his new wife adapt to family life with a sick baby any way that suits them.

So if you love your son, back off right now and let them adjust to all that is going on. Regarding your granddaughters first Easter, she is a newborn and totally unaware of you or anything else right now, so you didn't miss any big holiday! There will be plenty of time to spend time with your granddaughter when she is past recovery from he surgery and they are adapted to having a baby in the house. They will seek you out when they are all feeling better and more adapted and less exhausted. A grandbaby is very fun for grandma, but a LOT of work and lack of sleep for the parents, especially if the child has had surgery. You want to love all over that baby, but now is just not the time for lots of reasons.

Also try to remember that this is THEIR baby, not yours, and their first baby so there is lots of anxiety and adjustment there... Anybody popping in unnannouced can be more of a burden than anything else when you have a newborn in the house. So yes, you are the baby's grandmother, but you are not the baby's mother and you need to respect their right to decide if they need space and time with their newborn, and if the baby's mother wants her own mother there for whatever reason, she is recovering from the birth and has a right to have her there in preference to you.

You also have no way of knowing, maybe they've also told the other MIL not to pay as many visits either. So don't take it personally and don't expect to spend every day over there or make many visits just because they had your granddaughter. They will want you involved in her life when things settle down, and if you behave badly now and spend all your time thinking about yourself rather than empathizing with their situation with a sick baby, a sick old man, and an overbearing MIL, you will alienate them if you push this rather than telling them you understand and would like to come see them and the baby and help out any way you can when THEY want you to be there, not when YOU want to be there.

Thanks for a all the great advise, I dont expect to be there everyday I would be happy with a hour once a week, but I cant even seem to get that. I have offer and offer to babysit and to help but my help is not needed. It just bothers me that she is so sick I can even see her. And the fact that everyone else see her including I guess is bothering me.

Thanks again

Some times with a new baby it is too overwhelming for people to come over and "help". Really. I was very sick after my son was born for months, I barely had enough energy to even walk 2 blocks let alone anything else. My mother -in-law used to want to "help". Only help consisted of her and my sister in law coming over after church for several hours and hold my son while I served them coffee and muffins and acted like a hostess. I could not take it. I was simply too tired and sick. I can appreciate you want to see her and I can appreciate it feels like only you do not get too. My brother's wife was like that when her kids were babies. Her parents and sister would just walk in their house and be there. We had to make "an appointment" and almost not never got to come. This will change. Really. Give it time.

How do you know everyone else is seeing her? You're filling in the blanks there... don't make this about jealousy of the other MIL. And young parents with a newborn who just had heart surgery aren't about to let anyone babysit or leave the baby...

My mother said when my brother, her first child, was born that my father's sister came to stay with them for a month. My aunt was a nurse so supposedly it was supposed to 'help' but my mother deeply resented having her there because she ended up having to pay attention to the aunt and my father was spending his time talking to the aunt when all my mother wanted to do was bond with the baby and her husband and sleep whenever she could rather than have to pay attention to another person in the house. She would be exhausted from breast feeding at night and then aunt would rumble in early waking them all up because she wanted to snuggle and play with the baby while my mother had only had about 2 hours sleep all night. Then my father went to work and my aunt snuggled with the baby and watched soap operas while my mother did all the cleanup, cooking etc. Then the aunt wanted to spend time with her brother when he got home from work, so they were in the kitchen drinking beer while my mother was again doing the cleanup and cooking etc. So it became about people wanting to spend time with the baby and to socialize and wasn't not really about 'helping' them as a young family.

So you are still focusing on you and your feelings. This is a huge life adjustment for them and a very exhausting time and between the sick baby and man dying of cancer, they have more than they can handle. So just back off and realize this shouldn't be about you right now, but about respecting their wishes and knowing you've got many many years with the granddaughter and this isn't some competition between you and the other MIL.

I agree with the other posters. Your son has a lot of worries atm with the new baby. If you can just let your son know in a way that isn't demanding of him that you will always be there for him, it is more than likely that once things have settled with the baby, you will hear more from him.