I'll take 'Asinine' for $300, Alex...

So. Between last Tuesday and now I met, semi-hooked up with and rejected a guy.

It was the right choice. But I still feel so achingly alone.

I stood up for my boundaries. Avoided my usual springtime helping of crazy and damaging decisions. Protected myself.

But, all that moment did was remind me how much I miss someone calling me at night and how amazing it feels to be held. Being desired. I keep getting all the wrong whispers from all the most dangerous places telling me exactly. what. I've been. dying. to. hear. Ugh, for so long.

How am I sad and pouting and feeling...empty when I know I did the *right* thing? Directly referenced the notes from one of my past disasters to limit the damage from a new one. Good job. But I still feel really just empty. I almost want the impending trouble back. That's kind of stupid.

I keep having these situations come up...that are such freaking bad news bears (foreign flings! old flames falling out the woodwork! nymphos with co-dependence and respect issues!) and, if I closed my good eye and didn't care about the future, would be such a delicious quick fix to the problem. Warm bed, soft heart, orgasms and free dinners.

Being surrounded by things missing the mark is probably a worse feeling than no prospects at all. I think I'm just randomly b'tching.

I'm working on being fine by myself. I am. I am.

I'm successfully making healthy decisions. Again and again.

When I get too lonely, I make mistakes. Big mistakes.

I guess I'm just talking about it so I can look it all in the eye.

The more I experience love and everything around it

the less I realize I understand about any of it. Period.

So, I could be having sex and going to the botanical gardens tomorrow. But, I'm choosing to respect myself.

Yay. I guess.

Romance is exhausting.