Why affairs are wrong?

I was thinking about it and wondered about what you all think about that.As you might have seen from my threads I did had an affair and althought I feel bad and guilty about it at the same time my opinion about it changed.Before I have been trough that I was totaly against it and I even had a case on my family(my uncle left his marriage for his mistress) that I totaly condemned.We all liked his wife very much and they have been together for more than 10 years and had teenagers kids and everything.So when that happened all I could think of is "How she(his mistress) could do that? She knew he was married." But after I been on that situation myself I started to understand it better.I stoped seeing her as a vilan and started seeing her as a woman that happened to fall in love for a man that unfortunaly was married.

Anyway my point with this thread isnt to defend cheating.I just want to know why you all think is so wrong and why usualy the blame goes to the other woman while the married guy get away with it.

IMO, it's wrong because it's dishonest. It's a betrayal towards your spouse. I don't think it's 'wrong' to notice that you have feelings for someone else, it's part of being human and I think lots of people experience that at some point during their marriage. The important thing is how you deal with it when it happens (i.e. whether you allow it to develop into an affair or not).

As for why do more men get away with it - I'm not quite sure what you mean with getting away with it in this day and age. I have seen someone claim that more women forgive their men's infidelity than vice versa, but I haven't seen hard facts as to whether this is true today, although I suspect it is historically true. Historically, I also think men have gotten away with it more because women's sexuality has been something that has been more strongly monitored and controlled by society than men's.

I don't think that men 'get away' with it. Cheating is almost universally condemned.

Are you serious? When you get married you are committing you LIFE with that person.

Sure many fail, and if they do, you say goodbye and THEN move on.

I don't believe there is one true love for everyone. Therefore anyone can LET themselves fall in love while being married. If you are unhappy in your marriage, why stay and hurt them even more? In my opinion ALL parties in the affair are in the wrong. If a woman is sleeping with a man and she KNOWS he is married, of course she is wrong. The husband is even more wrong for betraying his wife. How hard is that to get?

 

As for why do more men get away with it - I'm not quite sure what you mean with getting away with it in this day and age. I have seen someone claim that more women forgive their men's infidelity than vice versa, but I haven't seen hard facts as to whether this is true today, although I suspect it is historically true.

That is what I mean,is like people think that just because he is a man it is ok for him to cheat.Like if that is a "men thing" if you get what I mean.While the other woman get the blame for the affair and get labeled * * * * ,homewrecker and stuff like that.Like if the responsibility to be away and avoid it from happening was just hers.

That is what I mean,is like people think that just because he is a man it is ok for him to cheat.Like if that is a "men thing" if you get what I mean.While the other woman get the blame for the affair and get labeled * * * * ,homewrecker and stuff like that.Like if the responsibility to be away and avoid it from happening was just hers.

Well, if you live in a society where this is common, the only way it can be addressed is by not accepting it. If you cover up for your lover in the face of his wife (I don't know if you did that or not, it's a general "you"), you are implicitly supporting men's infidelity.

A monogamous relationship presupposes that there is a committment between two people, excluding everyone else. That is why it is wrong, plus the fact that it is lying and betrayal of your partner (!).

Unless you have an agreement and an understanding of an open relationship (and even those have guidelines) then you are breaking your vows (if you are legally married) or otherwise betraying your partner. Not to mention the effect on kids, the potential for STDs, and so on.

If you cannot and do not want to be with only one person, then that's your decision, but your current partner kinda needs to be in the loop on that....people need to grow a pair and LEAVE if they are unhappy instead of trying to have their cake and eat it too.

Men and women cheat alike. Both are wrong. I personally have zero tolerance for lying of any kind - and yes, cheating is a form of lying.

Are you serious? When you get married you are committing you LIFE with that person.

 

Sure many fail, and if they do, you say goodbye and THEN move on.

 

I don't believe there is one true love for everyone. Therefore anyone can LET themselves fall in love while being married. If you are unhappy in your marriage, why stay and hurt them even more? In my opinion ALL parties in the affair are in the wrong. If a woman is sleeping with a man and she KNOWS he is married, of course she is wrong. The husband is even more wrong for betraying his wife. How hard is that to get?

Well most people dont agree with you and seem to think the wrong one here is the other woman.She is the one who get all the blame when things explode when the married guy usualy just ran back to his wife and act like he was seduced.

If two people have an affair, BOTH are at fault. Both the one who is married and the one who isn't. If you know about the marriage, then you are just as guilty. If someone will cheat WITH you, then they will likely cheat ON you.

Well most people dont agree with you and seem to think the wrong one here is the other woman.She is the one who get all the blame when things explode when the married guy usualy just ran back to his wife and act like he was seduced.

Where do you get this from? I don't personally know anyone who thinks that way...

ETA: I think most cheating spouses who get caught (men AND women) will lie to save their own butt.

Well, if you live in a society where this is common, the only way it can be addressed is by not accepting it. If you cover up for your lover in the face of his wife (I don't know if you did that or not, it's a general "you"), you are implicitly supporting men's infidelity.

I didnt cover up for him,actualy I tried to show all the time that the blame wasnt just mine.But I did felt people come on much more after me than after him(specialy his wife).It was like I end up with 90% of the blame when he end up with 10%.And according to him(Im not sure if it is true),his wife and people around her think that just because he is a man it is understable that he will end up having sex with other woman if she shows interest on him.That is up to the woman to be away once she knows he is married.

It's wrong to get involved with someone else who is cheating on his wife. I think the married person is more at fault because he or she is directly breaking the marital vows.

I didnt cover up for him,actualy I tried to show all the time that the blame wasnt just mine.But I did felt people come on much more after me than after him(specialy his wife).It was like I end up with 90% of the blame when he end up with 10%.

Well, you really don't know what's going on in that home, and what his wife is saying to him.

It's natural that his wife went off on you. You have been sleeping with her husband. You are a natural target for her anger. Also, anyone who gets caught cheating (man OR woman) is likely to try to minimise his or her responsibility as much as possible to save their own butt. So, I think that's to be expected when engaging in affairs. In nearly all cases, when the S hits the fan, the affair partner will be thrown under the bus. Sure, there are exceptions, but that's what's generally to be expected.

Why are you asking why affairs are wrong?

Obviously they aren't wrong for everyone and those people should perhaps not get married or maybe they should consider having open relationships with people willing to be in such an agreement. I personally see it as a selfish and morally wrong act. I don't blame the mistress or the lover if she or he doesn't know the person is married - if they do, then yes, both are to blame. I'd never get involved with someone that is taken and if someone tricked me and lied, I'd end it right there and then.

Historically I think men have gotten away with cheating more because women for the same reasons that gingerlemon mentioned. Things are different in this day and age, but I still believe there are women and men that believe in traditional roles and women that were taught by mothers that there are certain things they just must tolerate or accept. We still have a ways to go.

No one said that it was okay for men to chat and it's not okay for women to cheat. Once you find out that the man or woman in question has a partner that's when you cut all ties.

Oh and Anusha, certain cultures are more lenient towards cheating men than the mistress/lover or cheating wives. That's only because in some cultures men are still considered above women and that they have more rights than women.

Well most people dont agree with you and seem to think the wrong one here is the other woman.She is the one who get all the blame when things explode when the married guy usualy just ran back to his wife and act like he was seduced.

The mistress is just as much as fault if she knew he was married. Same goes for women that cheat on their husbands. The husband broke the vows which yes is more at fault but if the woman knew he was married then shame on her. If I was the wife where I knew the mistress knew my husband was married I'd be all over both of them.

Well, you really don't know what's going on in that home, and what his wife is saying to him.

 

It's natural that his wife went off on you. You have been sleeping with her husband. You are a natural target for her anger. Also, anyone who gets caught cheating (man OR woman) is likely to try to minimise his or her responsibility as much as possible to save their own butt. So, I think that's to be expected when engaging in affairs. In nearly all cases, when the S hits the fan, the affair partner will be thrown under the bus. Sure, there are exceptions, but that's what's generally to be expected.

I felt that way too.It was like once his wife found out about the affair he started to throw all the blame on me.He even said once that she caught a call from me on his phone that I kept chasing him around while he didnt want anything to do with me.But that lie could be easily discovered if she had thought about it a litle.I mean if it was me who kept chasing him and he indeed didnt want anything to do with me,how I have been going out with him all those times? Is like the saying "it needs two to tango",to be able to have a involvement with somebody both persons have to want it otherwise it just doesnt happen.So the fact we have been out a lot of times(and she knew about it) shows that I wasnt the only one interested.

Once you wrong someone you have to take the consequences even if you feel they're an overreaction. You don't get to tell the victim how to react.

The mistress is just as much as fault if she knew he was married. Same goes for women that cheat on their husbands. The husband broke the vows which yes is more at fault but if the woman knew he was married then shame on her. If I was the wife where I knew the mistress knew my husband was married I'd be all over both of them.

I agree with you that both are to blame.But unfortunaly on my case it seemed that I got much more of the blame than him.

Once you wrong someone you have to take the consequences even if you feel they're an overreaction. You don't get to tell the victim how to react.

Bingo......

Well, she might be believing what she wants to believe because she is under a terrible amount of stress, anger, shock and grief, and she is desperate for anything that might indicate to her that her marriage isn't falling apart. Remember that for her, this isn't about YOU and whether you are credible (which you by default isn't to her, because you have deceived her with her husband). It is about her all of a sudden having had the ground pulled away from under her feet at finding out about her husband's betrayal. If they have children, that will make her situation even more difficult. Don't underestimate what she is going through. I see a lot of concern for yourself and your role in this and that's somewhat understandable, but how do you think she is realistically feeling? She is probably completely devastated.

Once you wrong someone you have to take the consequences even if you feel they're an overreaction. You don't get to tell the victim how to react.

I dont mean to tell her how to react.I just dont agree much with her reaction and think the person she should be most angry with is her husband since he is the one who owned her something.

I dont mean to tell her how to react.I just dont agree much with her reaction and think the person she should be most angry with is her husband since he is the one who owned her something.

That is telling her how to react....