Relationships - daily contact

I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 months. We've started talking about the possibility of moving in together.

I'm an introvert and when people constantly demand attention it can get a little much for me. We have had a discussion about this in the past but it seems to have cropped up again. I don't really like having the obligation to spend hours talking every day. Half the stuff we talk about isn't even interesting. It's just stuff like "I miss you", "We should do this, on this day". If I do not end our conversations, it's like she will always message me back. So I am always the one to end every conversation we have. It can feel a bit suffocating.

I'm worried that if I talk to her about needing space every now and then, she will take it the wrong way. She will think I want to step the relationship down a notch.

Am I not suitable for a relationship of this level? How would living together work when I need time in my own head to think?

If she takes it the wrong way, you're not a good match. Might help for you to send her some reading material about introverts first as most people are familiar with the term but think it means shy and are in need of some education on the subject before they can attempt to deal.

Do you want to step it down a notch because you are afraid she can't relate to you in the way you need or is there another reason? I'd make sure she understands what it means to be introverted before writing her off. In other words let her know what you need, make sure she understands, and give her a chance.

I don't feel as if you're not capable of a relationship of that level...This is also a mirror image of my relationship at 4 months. I was all about talking to my bf, even though he called me every night and texted everyday (from the first night we met). He is like you, he likes his space and sometimes won't answer for 3-4 hours and he has even shut off his phone when he wants to be alone..I brought up the fact that we didn't talk about interesting things, and he said when we talk all day we tlk about our interesting topics so at the end of the night it's just to say good night. I backed off with the texting and not being as probbing as I was, and he noticed the change and it has made for a better relationship. I realized if I wanted to stay in this relationship I just had to accept him as he is, and to be honest I like not talking as much...It gives us time to miss each other.

So maybe you can explain this to your girlfriend and reassure her that you like her and such but this is just how you are, and you would really like her if she could respect this aspect of your personality...if she can't then maybe she's not the right girl for you.

Hope this helps.

I don't want to step the relationship down a notch. I do like having her around, it's just having to constantly feed her need for affection that bothers me.

When I "go into my own world" and she begins demanding attention, it can cause fights or her to feel undesirable. I probably seem emotionally unavailable.

Sometimes I am in moods where I am very affectionate, sometimes I'm not.

I don't want to step the relationship down a notch. I do like having her around, it's just having to constantly feed her need for affection that bothers me.

 

When I "go into my own world" and she begins demanding attention, it can cause fights or her to feel undesirable. I probably seem emotionally unavailable.

I think you should just explain to her that you could compromise, maybe be a little bit more emotionally available (asking about her day, maybe compliment her a tad bit) but then she needs to compromise and give you your space and not be so needy, because it can ruin a relationship

I think you should just explain to her that you could compromise, maybe be a little bit more emotionally available (asking about her day, maybe compliment her a tad bit) but then she needs to compromise and give you your space and not be so needy, because it can ruin a relationship

This is a great example of people not understanding what an introvert is. It has nothing to do with being emotionally unavailable. That's someone else's perception and it's incorrect. You're available, just not on someone else's schedule. OP, your gf may share this or a similar misunderstanding so just make sure she gets it. Google 'loving an introvert' for hundreds of resources.

4 months into a relationship seems a bit early to discuss moving in together? That is just my opinion. When you live with someone, you have less time to yourself. You can designate your alone time and ask your girlfriend to respect it but if keeping daily contact is too much right now, living with her will be a big challenge.

This is something you need to discuss with her, as a natural part of moving in together. If it doesn't feel natural, then maybe its just plain too early.

Moving in together requies communication BEFORE going ahead and doing it. And it ranges from bills, and finances, chores and overall..your expectations of each other. Its unrealistic to assume that living together means spending every moment together. She needs to know your expectations of the need for personal and alone time.

Why are you considering moving in together though? If your conversations are nothing of substance, why the need to move in together NOW? Convenience, both looking for a place to live, or is your relationship ready for more and is progressing to more that this is natural?

Ask yourself that.

I think this was a huge issue between my last ex and I...and ai would have totally appreciated him telling me he needed his space sometimes...rather than shutting me out. Trust me..if you communicate you can never go wrong..if she is offended then maybe you should rethink this..JMO

I don't want to step the relationship down a notch. I do like having her around, it's just having to constantly feed her need for affection that bothers me.

 

When I "go into my own world" and she begins demanding attention, it can cause fights or her to feel undesirable. I probably seem emotionally unavailable.

 

Sometimes I am in moods where I am very affectionate, sometimes I'm not.

Sounds like you both need to make some compromises. She sounds like a classic attention seeker, and you only want things on your schedule. No way you guys should be discussing moving in together when you don't even like texting her on a semi-regular basis.

Sounds like you both need to make some compromises. She sounds like a classic attention seeker, and you only want things on your schedule. No way you guys should be discussing moving in together when you don't even like texting her on a semi-regular basis.

It's more than a semi regular basis. I see her 3-4 times a week, when we do, we (almost) always spend the night. I like spending that time with her. I also like time for my own personal space, where I don't need to answer to anyone. In that respect, it's the same relationship I have with my parents and family. Except my parents have grown to understand that I may not be very responsive when I have not organised to see them. On the days we are apart, she gets frustrated if I'm slow at replying to texts or Skype. She will almost constantly message me when we are apart. I've tried calming her about it, but I think we need a serious discussion about it now.

Living together: we do get along very well, when she's not being insecure. We could both use the convenience of living with a partner. I do see this working out long term, but these issues need to be resolved before moving in can actually happen.

I mostly wanted to get opinions on whether my behaviour is unusual in a relationship, whether I am ready for this level of a relationship. I don't see myself changing in the future. I will always be an introvert and I will always have these issues.

Thank you for all the opinions and help. I will take the suggestion to google about loving an introvert.

You should be honest with her in what kind of contact you want when you aren't together. It sounds like she is being a bit excessive with her messaging, but at the same time most couples that are at the "move-in" stage usually want to maintain good communication when they aren't together. Maybe she thinks your lack of communication is implying you aren't interesting or you are seeing someone else. Perhaps she'll back off when you explain why you like doing your own thing.