Do I leave her....!?

Hi gang,

Ok - I need some help here (badly). Will try and keep this as short as possible, but I want to explain the whole situation, so please, if you can, bear with the pretty long post!!!

In 2006, I met a girl who worked in a restaurant. She had a boyfriend, but I was obsessed with her - and after a few weeks of drinking there, realised that there was definitely something between us. We got on great, we made eachother laugh, and as the months went on, her smile would get bigger and bigger every time I walked through those doors.

We eventually got together : she left her current boyfriend of 3 years, and within just a few weeks I was staying at her house (where she lived with her friend) every single night. I was 23 at the time, she was 25. After 6 months of this, we decided to get our own place. Everything was going really well. We were mad about eachother still, the sex life was fantastic, and we generally got on really really well. We'd argue now n' then, but we'd always make up and everything would be forgotten. Now, in early 2008, I started to feel very trapped. I still loved her (or so I thought!), but more and more when I'd hear the front door go when she was getting in from work I'd say to myself "grrrr!" and just wish she'd stayed out after work a bit longer or something. I've always been - according to my friends! - a real "free spirit". And I was beginning to feel this side of me was slipping away. My friends started to tell me "I didn't seem myself", and would ask me "where the old Mark had gone that used to be so much fun!?". A few months later, I felt so trapped and like I was going to explode if I didnt get myself out of the situation, so I finished it with her. It came TOTALLY out of the blue for her - she had no idea how I was feeling other than the odd mention that I seemed 'distant' of late.

At first, I felt great. I felt free again - and I really started to have a lot of fun, going out with my friends again, and enjoying myself like I felt I hadnt been able to over the past couple of years. Then one day, about 2 months after, I saw her. BANG!! I went home, and immediately felt sick that i'd let her go. She was incredible to me, and I still fancied her like mad. We began talking again, and before I knew it, I was moving back in with her to the same flat that I'd left. Things seemed good again, for ages!! Her birthday is in November, and she had told me constantly that all she wanted for her bday and xmas was a dog. Now I wasn't massively keen on the idea, but she would not stop harping on about it and so I thought 'ok, I'll get her one - it will make her so happy'.

Things continued to be really good for another couple of years, then come March (ish) time of 2011, the feelings came back to me - that she was 'not the one', that 'I loved her but didn't think I was IN love with her' etc etc, and again, I longed to be going on holidays with my mates and not with her. Again I became distant, and being around her - even if she was just talking and being nice and telling me about her day etc - became almost unbearable!

So....... in June 2011, I broke up with her again. I felt awful! I felt as though I'd let her down - but by the same token, felt like it was something that needed to be done, and I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. We both moved out of the flat we had shared, and she moved in with a friend. I felt so guilty about leaving her with our dog too. It was so hard looking after her as a team both together - but for one, I knew it would be extremely difficult for her, and leaving her with the responsibility of looking after her used to make me feel so bad I can't tell you. It was clear for me, her, everybody to see that throughout our relationship (particularly the last couple of years), that Lauren was a hell of a lot more "in to" the relationship than I was, and also was probably a lot lot deeper in love with me still than I was with her.

I should say that mid 2008, I started studying to become a lawyer. It was hard for us both during this time, as I was also working a full time job with long hours. This meant most of my free time was spent studying, but she was amazing.. She never showed me that it was getting her down, but I know it must have been. And we both always spoke of what we would do when I had finished. Neither of us earned a great living to be fair, and we always would say what we would do when I had finished and was on a much better wage and could afford to go away alot and do fun things together. I finished 4 months ago, got a great job right away, and am earning very good money now.

ANYWAY...... and so to now! - After we broke up in June 2011, we didnt see or speak to eachother for a couple of months again. I didnt find another girlfriend, and her not another boyfriend. I bumped into her a few times, and we began to see eachother as friends. We'd go walk our dog together (which was nice for me as I missed her like crazy too) and we'd go for a couple of drinks etc. One evening, we got a bit drunk, things escalated, and we went back to hers. I don't think I need to explain what happened next.....

This then became quite a regular thing - and although we used to just call it a bit of fun, it soon reached the stage where we both said, "well lets see how this goes and what happens..." She is still living with her friend and I am still living on my own. I began to spend most nights with her again, and it began to clearly switch from "seeing how it goes", to a much more committed relationship again. We have been at this now for a while - and to her, It's as if we are totally back together again, as if nothing happened, and she is talking about getting another place with me in a couple of months when her lease runs out on her flat. She is also talking about marriage / children etc etc too. I have told her I'm not keen to start a family yet and that I am really not too sure about the whole idea of marriage anyway as I have seen a lot of relationships change, for the worse, after couples have married. I have kind of gone along with the whole "getting back together properly" thing, and feel like I have led her on a lot - even though I would often say how we were just seeing how it goes.

I really do not know what to do. I do love her, I THINK!? I love her for the person she is. I love her for the way she loves me unconditionally, even after all the crap I have put her through. But I also find the fact she has put up with so much from me and is still willing to be with me no matter what a real weakness from her part - and that, I find very unattractive. I am also constantly asking myself however, "why do I keep putting myself back into this situation!?" There must be SOMETHING about her that keeps me coming back???

I'm in such an ambilavent state and it's driving me totally insane! And i really mean insaaaaaaaane!!!! One day I want to be with her, the next, it's the last thing I want to do!! I miss my freedom. When she comes out with me, I often wish she wasn't there. Not that I want to go cheat on her or anything like that, but I just don't feel myself when she is around me and we're out. Without sounding stupid here or big headed - we're both pretty good looking people, and when we're out, some times girls will come up to me and start chatting to me not knowing I am with somebody, and I am not rude to them... I will chat back with them. I believe she should feel comfortable with me talking to other girls, but she gets extremely jealous. And the sad thing is, this just makes me want to chat with other girls more and more, and makes me start to feel trapped and like I want to be free again. But I dont want to hurt her again. I feel that I cannot. I feel SO guilty about the idea of leaving her to look after our dog again all on her own.. having to walk her every day, not be out the house for more than 6 - 7 hours at most at any one time... I know it is a real anchor for her and will not help her move on if I did leave her. And I feel as though I would almost rather be unhappy myself and move back in with her, just so as to now let her down again. I feel dreadful. I also feel like the biggest a***hole EVER for having her by my side supporting me through my studies, and now, rather than do all the things with my money and free time that we discussed together, I want to do all these things on my own!!

I'm normally an extremely strong guy - I generally know what I want in life, and I don't really NEED to feel the love of others around me to feel happy. I have enough friends and hobbies to keep myself busy and a smile on my face all the time. She is constantly going on about how "she is getting on now" (she is nearly 32 - I'm nearly 30) and how she wants me to be the one she starts a family with and marry. But I dont feel so constrained by the times as she does at all. I couldnt care less about 3 - 5 years time. I'm the kind of guy who only really cares about today. I have my future now secured financially - but the rest? I have the attitude that I just wanna take it each day as it comes, and so long as I am happy, then I am happy. Know what I mean? I can't bear all this 'planning' to a time contraint anymore!!! But then how do I let a girl go that loves me more than anybody ever has or will (I know I don't have a crystal ball, but believe me on this one, it would be very hard to find this again i'm sure of that!), is amazingly kind, unselfish, thoughtful and absolutely gorgeous???

What do I do!!!?? Sorry for the essay, and to any one that's still with me, thankyou for taking the time to read all this rubbish. I am just really keen for an input from somebody that now knows the full story, but knows neither myself or my girlfriend.

Thanks,

Mark

I'd tell her how you were feeling, and then leave. She deserves someone who gives the same love that she does.

You need to let her go -- for good. You've put her through a lot and she deserves to be with someone who will commit. What makes you think you'll feel any different if you decide to spend the rest of your life with her. What if you marry her, have children and then decide you're not happy? Not fair to anyone. I hate to be mean, but you're being really selfish. You're messing with someone else's heart. Not good in the karma department. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Move on and let her find someone who won't keep leaving her. Don't pop back into her life when you get lonely or miss her because you know from experience that this will be short lived. She wants to get married and have a family, you don't. You continually lose interest in her. You love her but aren't in love with her. Why the heck would you even consider staying with her?

I really do not know what to do. I do love her, I THINK!? I love her for the person she is. I love her for the way she loves me unconditionally, even after all the crap I have put her through. But I also find the fact she has put up with so much from me and is still willing to be with me no matter what a real weakness from her part - and that, I find very unattractive.

That describes me spot on man. I really don't have any advice for you I think you need to decide what will make you the happiest in the long term and go with that. For me personally I think I just need someone who is selfish and will never let me get in that position of power (Where I pretty much alwas get what I want) or to just stay single. I've come to realize I'm happy with either one, growing old and single doesn't seem depressing to me.

thanks guys. and flyers - yes I know, I probably am being selfish. But at the same time, I never ever got back with her on each occasion not wanting it to go the distance. I had only ever been in one relationship before, which was pretty long distance - so you could say I have still been kinda learning!! I want this to work. Or should I say, I want to WANT this to work - but it just feels like it's not. She doesnt excite me like she did when we first met - or to be fair, how she did each time we started seeing eachother again - and as I say, I never went into it again each time with the mindset of "i'll just go along with it until I get bored". I genuinely always wanted to try my hardest for it to work out and for us to both be happy. And now? Yeah, I feel a bit selfish. But it wasnt intentional. And infact I wish I could feel a little more selfish now, as it would probably mean I could just leave without wanting to stay just to make her happy. If I didnt care at all, Id just up sticks, ignore the calls / texts, and be gone.... But I do care - and this is really really hard

I didn't mean to come down so hard on you. Especially since I've been off and on with someone for the better part of 5 years. The only difference? We really love each other -- but for many complicated reasons, we can't seem to make it work. A long story. He still excites me and I've always felt passionate about him, I'm certain he feels the same. Sometimes fundamental differences stand in the way.

I don't doubt that you really care about her and at times might even feel some deeper love for her. But it doesn't appear to be sustainable. The best thing you can do is be honest with her about your feelings. It's only fair that she also get a say in the matter. If you still really care about her, perhaps you could spend some time apart for her to heal. Then, who knows, maybe you can be friends somewhere down the line. Don't stay with her out of convenience, because you feel guilty about leaving her, or because you just like having someone around. There are many woman out there who could better suit your needs. Don't settle for something that feels just okay. Be true to yourself...

After reading this story (which was very interesting to read, by the way) I immediately came up with three different pieces of advice:

1. I wouldn't want a guy to stay with me if he felt the way you do about her. You need to leave before any more damage is done, and stop giving into urges.

2. Maybe you guys could be together if you had more freedom within the relationship. You said it wasn't that you wanted to cheat on her but that you just felt trapped when she was around. Couldn't you have a relationship with her that included nights out with only you and your guy friends, and other times apart?

3. Maybe you just need alone time and space and freedom no matter who you date. I know I can be that way; when I'm with someone too much, no matter who they are, they start to get on my nerves. I lived with my best friend in a dorm and everything she did or said started bothering me, simply because we had the same friends and same bedroom and same social calendar so we were always together. Once moving into different bedrooms our friendship became awesome again. Maybe you could be with this girl but just not 24/7, meaning you each have different hobbies and go out with friends separately.

thanks very much alwaysmoving - and flyers, don't worry - no offence was taken... I'm from London UK so I like nothing more than people who say it how it is and tell it as it needs to be told!! - And I get that even though in my heart of hearts I'm actually being UNselfish by desperately trying to stick around to make this work, in the long run, me "hanging around, hoping" is just going to make things worse if I know deep deep down that it is not going to work.

And AM - d'you know what? we did, and still do spend alot of times alone, with our own individual friends etc... but quite often, even when I was out without her, just being with her (as in a relationship with her) and knowing that IF she was there "she'd be mad if she saw me talking to this girl or that girl", meant that I always felt the same pressure as if she was there with me. It's quite hard to explain, but there is always this weight on my shoulders. And quite often - like this weekend, I've just got back from a weekend away staying with a close friend of mine who lives an hour or so away that i have not seen for a long while - When i returned, she questioned me in a way that although she says is just "normal", i can tell, because I am not stupid, and just by the manner of her questioning, that she is basically trying to get to the subject of "DID YOU TALK TO OR GET CLOSE TO ANY OTHER GIRLS!?". And that drives me NUTS!!!!!! It again, makes me feel trapped, and like I am not trusted and am not my own person. I get she's a bit insecure after I have left her twice before: I would be too. But for me, I am the kind of person that would not have got back with somebody after they'd already done that twice. But then maybe that is because I have never been in true love before..... and she is with me, and thats why she puts herself through it. Oh god it's so sad. I feel so bad on her and I just wanna cuddle her up forever and protect her. But then what about me? grrrrrrrr. Thanks for all your input. It's helped actually. I've never posted on any site like this before, but it's helped, so thankyou.