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Thread: If You Can't Take the Heat Stay Out of the Kitchen...

  1. #1
    Member Pretty-N-Pink's Avatar
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    If You Can't Take the Heat Stay Out of the Kitchen...

    At least that is what I was told...

    My fiance' asked me a question about my previous sexual history and when I answered it, she totally shut down on me. I think that was a bit unfair. If I ask a question about something whether it is past or present, I mentally prepare myself for whatever the outcome may be. Now...I am feeling like I do not want to share certain things with her now. I do not want to have that type of relationship but that is how she is making me feel? Any recommendations???

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    erm, discussing previous sexual history is a massive no-no! No possible good can come of answering that question.

    The default reply is laughing and saying "no way pedro" then changing the subject. Repeat throughout relationship

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    I'm not sure why you think hiding your past is a good idea. Don't you want your wife to know everything about you? Your fiancÚ wants to know who she's marrying, so she asked you. Is there something you aren't proud of? If so you should tell her that. If you have a past she doesn't agree with and you don't regret your past, then maybe the two of you are not right for each other. I don't think you can fault her for wanting to know who you are.

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    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by f1r3f1y3
    erm, discussing previous sexual history is a massive no-no! No possible good can come of answering that question.

    That isn't true in all relationships. Personally I have no issues with my partners sexual histories and enjoy hearing about them because I love them and past relationships and sexual experiences really shape the way we are today. I agree that if you are one of the people who can't deal with the fact that your partner had a life before you it's better not to ask. I just think people who can't handle it (or aren't willing to try) are missing out.

    Instead of coming up with a bunch of rules to protect ourselves from the parts of our partners we can't handle I think we should be working on having more perspective.

    OP, Yes it's annoying that she set herself up to get upset and she should have probably known better. But she is having real feelings. It's hard to be compassionate when you feel tricked. I think it would be worth while to sit down with her and talk to her about her reaction and how it made you feel.

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    Platinum Member Glowguy's Avatar
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    Some people prefer a partner who has similar attitudes about sex. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with asking. I'm sure she wants to know that before she marries you. It might have been better broached early on, but I think it's reasonable that she wants to know about your past. You can answer without going into explicit detail. She probably can't help the way she feels about it or didn't realize it would bother her to that degree.

    Personally, I would rather not know so I would never ask for details, so I can understand it from your perspective too. That being said, I would not want to be in a committed relationship with someone who had a ton of prior partners and a history of engaging in casual sex, but I think I could infer that with some pretty basic questions and time spent with her and friends.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member FairyGodmother's Avatar
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    I don't think he's saying there's anything wrong with her for wanting to know who he is... he just wants her to grow a pair and accept the answer to the question she asked instead of getting angry about it if it's an answer she doesn't like.

    In my opinion, I don't think it's fair for her to shut down on you when you answer honestly. I think you should tell her that if she can't deal with the answer she should think before she asks the question. It would also probably be a good idea that you want to be able to have an open, honest relationship with her as you mentioned and tell her that her bad reactions to your answering her questions makes you feel hesitant about sharing things with her (which obviously shouldn't be the case).

    I don't think you did anything wrong, it's perfectly fine to be open about things (in fact it's better that way), even concerning sexual history. She just needs to learn to accept your past because it's part of who you are, and if she can't then she shouldn't ask about it. In any case, the past is the past, and if you're with her now why does it matter what you did before?
    Last edited by FairyGodmother; 06-07-2011 at 04:00 PM.

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    Gold Member lucasky's Avatar
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    Good advice from rosephase.

    I did the same thing with my expartner. I had an idea as to what his number was, and when I finally worked up the nerve to ask (I promised myself I'd be strong), I ended up really upset.

    The thing is - it wasn't the number that upset me, really (even though it was higher than I had expected), it was how ... it made me feel like a piece of meat. Instead of trying to understand why I was so hurt, my ex got upset because he felt I set him up for hurting me. That wasn't my intention. I just wanted to know more about him. Instead it ended up being a big mess.

    Don't shut her out in the future for fear of her getting upset with you. That's counter intuitive. Instead, try to understand her perspective. Even if you don't agree to it, allowing her to express herself and feel the way she feels will go a long way. Likewise, you can tell her how you feel, and hopefully, she will be receptive to hearing your side of things.

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    Platinum Member Glowguy's Avatar
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    Oh I don't think he did anything wrong either. Being honest is the right thing to do. It's up to her though whether she can accept the answer. I don't think she's being cold to him because he was honest. She's just having a hard time dealing with the answer. I'm sure she was hoping for something different. If it's a deal breaker for her than she obviously should have gotten that information much earlier before accepting a marriage proposal. Maybe she just needs some time to process her feelings.

  10. #9
    Silver Member Shnoodle's Avatar
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    I say to feel your partner out before sharing too much.
    Some people like Rosephase are cool with it, me on the other hand.. I want an idea of history, but I don't need details.
    Details can = disgust = degraded value.
    Men I've dated who decided to tell me explicit sex stories, like I'm some buddy in a locker room, instantly turned me off. It made these men seem tactless, and when I'm hot for a guy, I only want to think about him with me.

    Perhaps it's tied to the fragile ego? If your fiance told you she had a foursome with three well-hung athletes, perhaps it may make you feel uncomfortable. Next time she asks, instead of throwing this situation in her face, it may be better to remind her while you do have a sexual past, the specifics aren't important.

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    If you ask, you have to be prepared for the answer.

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