"You're great but I'm not ready for a relationship AT THIS TIME"/His crisis

Hi all, I haven't been on here in years but recently I was dating a guy for 4 months almost. Met online, he's a resident physician so he didn't have much time for me to begin with but always seemed to make time. Anyway, we had a great run, it was fun and happy and lighthearted. I asked him in the beginning what he wanted, he said he wanted a g/f. I took that as we were working our way up the ladder however it played out. I wasn't even sure about it so I didn't pressure him or pry. I may have said things while we were drinking but nothing that was out of the blue.

I myself had gotten out of a 7 year relationship and it took me nearly 3 years to get back to dating so I knew off the bat I was more looking for a companion and someone to have fun with. I was not looking for anything serious, if it had gotten serious, fine- you can't plan these things. Fast forward to month 3 with this guy,he seems to think it's a great idea to get drunk and chill in his apartment, he's stressed at work and his 'seniors' are always yelling and getting on his case. He complained about that a lot. As the dates go on... Onto date 14 or 15 and we have sex for the third time, condom breaks, the next morning he does it again with no condom and says "well we were going to get the day after pill anyway so..." I didn't really have much of a say in it. We had a nice breakfast, very happy and seemingly perfect little new couple talk and it was super cute and la de da, after breakfast we get the pill go back to his place and I take the pill. The next day I was helping him with something that he needed to do for work. I noticed that he was completely absent minded that day, he barely talked to me, he barely looked at me for the most part and when I left his house it was almost like he wanted me to stay but kept cuddling and trying to woo me being very affectionate, it was weird now that I look back- I left, no sex, just a passionate hug and kiss goodbye. Now that I think back I never really knew how he felt. I think the night before in our drunkenness the night before I asked him if he liked me and he said "I like you"- just monotone and bland.

Fast forward through no texts or calls what so ever, we made plans to go away during his vacation which is now (For two weeks he'll do nothing when he's used to running around being a resident on-call and working like crazy 80+hrs/wk.) and he tells me he's not feeling great, having a hard time. I'm trying to figure out why he doesn't respond to my texts and so I just finally tell him that this sucks and that I wish it were better. I feel like an inconvenience to him always. He texted me back saying I deserve better- I didn't know what that meant but at least he texted back, he made sure to tell me where he was which was with family- it's almost like he can't talk to me at all when he's with his family which is also weird. He hasn't told his family about me- again, WEIRD. So, this past week I ask him how he's doing- nothing for days, I text him again that I'm worried about him because I realize that things aren't great and I don't know what's going on but since we went through what we did together it would be respectful to at least tell a person where they stand, feelings, whatever, etc. I felt the need to do this because things were going well until the whole day after pill thing. I felt really close to this guy and we were starting to open up and really connect. After the riot act like almost immediately he responds with "I'm sorry. I am currently with family for a while having a personal crisis. I will be here for a while, I need to rebuild myself mentally and personally. You are a great person, but at this time I am not ready for a relationship." So, I respond saying that I had never thought of it as a relationship, I was sad that he was upset and going through everything, that I hope he finds what he's looking for and that I'll be here if he needs me. I also asked if I did anything to provoke this? And I told him I wouldn't bother him again if he didn't want me to. Since then we have had no contact for two days and I don't plan on contacting him. I can't see myself chasing after something right now and I actually feel like maybe he wants nothing to do with me anyway. I'm on here because I'm conflicted because we were doing well and I didn't realize it until when * * * * started hitting the fan that I really had feelings for him. I think he did too and that's why he bailed since he has no experience and maybe is afraid of what others think, namely family members.

Hopefully it is really his personal crisis? I hope it's not me. I did a lot for him these few months and he seemed to care about me. What I'm really afraid of is what to say if he were to contact me since he left me hanging and now he'll have time to sit on his thoughts literally. People close to me seem to think he'll call and I guess a small part of me wants him to as well. I'm conflicted on a lot of levels. Mainly how to process this and the 'what-ifs' that come along with something ending so abruptly. We never fought, disagreed, argued, nothing bad- no pressure unless he couldn't handle me texting him... Maybe he wasn't ready at all? I don't know?

Two important things- 1. He's Indian and I think his family would not be happy with him in a relationship or dating a whitey lol.

2. he hasn't had many relationships at all if maybe just one or two that I know of.

I'm trying to decipher this all. Any advice?

I have quite a few Indian friends and acquaintances, and their common denominator is that they are all very traditional. Arranged marriages are still happening, and they usually prefer to marry someone from their own culture. So one possibility you may want to consider is that he is already "promised" to someone else, which would explain why his family doesn't know about you and why he cannot talk to you when he is with them.

The little incident with the morning after pill may have brought him back to reality, that there may be serious consequences should he continue being with you (i.e. a pregnancy), which wouldn't bode well with the plans his family has for him.

Of course it may be something completely different, but just some food for thought...

Now that you said he is Indian, I wonder the same thing as Greta - perhaps he never had any intentions of having a serious relationship with you (girlfriend, sure - but not wife). Be careful.

I never even thought about what day I'm going to wash my car let alone marriage. I can see if he came back to reality. I just have a sneaking suspicion he's going to come back to the city when he's done with his uncle, text me, want to meet up and I will have no idea how to approach that. I'm really hurt by how he seems to be so ashamed of me. I can't explain it.

I never even thought about what day I'm going to wash my car let alone marriage. I can see if he came back to reality. I just have a sneaking suspicion he's going to come back to the city when he's done with his uncle, text me, want to meet up and I will have no idea how to approach that. I'm really hurt by how he seems to be so ashamed of me. I can't explain it.

look - i'm completely speculating here..... i don't think he is ashamed of you at all. i really can only guess as to what is going on in his head.....

if it's the arranged marriage thing, he may simply not have the guts to stand up to his family who is in talks with another family about some potential wives. or maybe he does want a traditional indian wife. i know you say that you aren't even thinking about marriage, but i think he might be, on some level, even subconciously. i wonder if that's what happened during the time spent with the family. so, i think it might be that "personal crisis" that he is referring to.

holy crap that makes so much sense. But I'm even more freaked out.

It's made more sense now that I've thought about it. I'm not going to contact him, if he contacts me I guess I'll talk to him. I don't think he's got the balls to stand up to his family, maybe he does. He's pretty strong-willed and determined. I wish I knew. I'm trying really hard to work through this and really understand but it's hard when you have to do it by yourself. Thanks Greta and Annie! I wish I had some Indian guys on this thing for input!

Agree with Annie and Greta. Even if he generally has lots of 'guts', standing up to your family in communities where family means everything is a completely different cup of tea than your mother disagreeing with your choice of partner in most countries in Europe and the US. The fact that he never told his family about you indicates to me that it's unlikely he would do that in the future. That doesn't mean that he doesn't/ didn't love you. But love may fall down the list below that of familial/ societal obligations.

Keeping NC sounds like a good strategy.

Could be an arranged marriage type thing too , culture of that coupled with what the family are expecting etc.

Thanks. I am keeping NC, standing firm on that. I feel horrible but at least I have a realistic view on what could be going on. Even if it is final...I guess I won't really know unless he decides to call and explain. But it still sucks.

I want to thank everyone for their two cents. I'm really upset at the moment where I can't understand his crisis and why it waited so long. Like it blew up in my face. I'm trying to go through the motions...keeping busy...but most time is spent thinking about what went wrong. As I said before, we never fought or argued about a single thing. Our only issue was a lack of communication at times. Now I see why. But, I'm pretty sad. I cried for a good while for the first time since this happened. I'm not sure why it's hitting me now? The finality of it all I guess. I just wish it didn't have to happen over text and that he knew how I really felt. Still, I can't contact him, I'm too scared of the rejection again.

Love stinks. HUGS.

go spend some time with your girlfriends. i am sorry this happened.

Thanks Annie!

I want to thank everyone for their two cents. I'm really upset at the moment where I can't understand his crisis and why it waited so long. Like it blew up in my face. I'm trying to go through the motions...keeping busy...but most time is spent thinking about what went wrong. As I said before, we never fought or argued about a single thing. Our only issue was a lack of communication at times. Now I see why. But, I'm pretty sad. I cried for a good while for the first time since this happened. I'm not sure why it's hitting me now? The finality of it all I guess. I just wish it didn't have to happen over text and that he knew how I really felt. Still, I can't contact him, I'm too scared of the rejection again.

If it makes any difference, I'm sure his decision had nothing to do with you as a person, or with the relationship itself. He probably liked and cared about you, and had a great time around you. But in cases like this, family and tradition weigh much heavier.

He probably knew that his parents were "in talks" with some other family about him marrying their Indian daughter, which is why he kept silent about his involvement with you, and when he got home, he was told things were finalized. I can only imagine it was much easier for him to let you go via text, because I'm sure him telling you the truth would have been awkward ("hey, I had a wonderful time with you, but now I have to end it because my parents want me to marry someone else from my own culture and I intend to obey").

I noticed that most Indians are ok with these arrangements amongst themselves, but feel very uneasy when it comes to talking about them with non-Indians.

And don't worry, he knew how you felt about him, but in the big scheme of things, it didn't matter that much.

Look at it this way: if his family is really that traditional, you would have never fit in, they would have always looked at you as an intruder who ruined their son's life. Had he chosen to defy them and stay with you, they would have probably disowned him and he would have ruined his ties with his family, and in the end he would have resented you for it.

So as hard as it is right now, don't contact him, and try to move on, knowing none of what happened was your fault in any way.

Thanks for your kind words. I will say that a.) his parents live in India. b.) his Uncle is the one who lives a couple hours away who he goes to visit. c.) the last time he went to his Uncles the same thing happened where he didn't talk to me for days. and d.) He's on vacation so he won't be with his Uncle permanently. He has to come back to reality at some point. I guess I'm just holding out hope for some type of contact or closure or something.

pathetic, right? ha.

You're not pathetic. Hugs.

I feel sorry for OP and I sincerely wish you the best! You deserve better.

For all other posters in this thread, its NOT because of he is INDIAN. Its because he has some EMOTIONAL issues. Please don't stereotype Indian men. Every guy is different. Lot of my friends had inter-racial/cultural weddings. We STAND for our spouse. And when it comes to "dumping" people become quiet because nobody want to be a bad person. Heck, I've been "dumped" by white girl few months ago, who just stopped responding to me. It has nothing to do with race/culture/family etc.

I broke nc after a week, only to get answers because I know nothing. I had to email him, it was short and to the point. But I had to do it because I'll never know otherwise and I need to move on and get my life in order. Am I wrong?

No, you are not wrong. I think it's cowardly how he just disappeared. But i wouldn't be surprised if you don't find the answers you seek..... hang in there!!

He was a poor communicator while you were together too I recall , sad to say a lot of us are still waiting for answers to questions , or even a little reason or two... NC seems like an extension of the actual relationship to them

Bad communicators are the worst, hang in there

Good news, he responded. Not to the detail that I wanted but we're e-mailing back and forth and it isn't awkward, just a little puzzling. He needed to be with his family and so that's what happened. Now...who knows? But I do know that I'm glad I did it, I don't feel bad about it. It had to be done for me to clarify what went wrong and I'm still getting answers slowly which is good. I'm content