NC: One Year Later

Today is the 366th day since I implemented No Contact with my ex. I made it through an entire year and I wanted to post something here at eNA in commemoration and in support of all the other's that continue to struggle and progress.

Like many before, I was a complete mess after the breakup. I called, left messages, wrote letters and emails, bought her flowers... I made a complete ass of myself for about two months. So much crying and moping and feeling so down and sorry for myself. I refused to go NC, because WHAT IF my presence was no longer felt and she forgot me forever???

It took something really drastic for me to finally come to my senses and go NC: (1) The first was when I dropped off a letter at her new apartment that I helped move her into... she replied by email, but not the way I had imagined. She made me look like some sort of stalker and she was scared that I had been by her place... (2) The second was an intervention by my two best friends. They told me what an a$s I was acting like, only focused on myself and not caring or thinking about other people. The world does not revolve around me, and this relationship was only a single relationship out of all the relationships I've had, have, and will ever have in the span of time that is my life.

I went NC... I was tired of trying all I could and failing and pushing her away more and more. I was tired of being a broken man. I was tired of pissing off my friends with my incessant talk about her. Let me tell you this, NC is the absolute best thing I have ever done. And NC might be the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have gone through a root canal where the anesthesia just wouldn't take... just had to sit through the drilling and try not to scream into my dentist's face as he was working.

The beginning of NC is so very hard. I wanted so bad to contact her and not let my memory fade away. I could not concentrate on any work, I couldn't eat (I lost 15 pounds and 2 notches on my belt), I couldn't sleep (only about 3 hours a night before waking up). I made it a point to go through the motions and do what I had to do everyday, even if I did not want to. Eventually, things got better or easier.

I found new things to focus on. I've worked very hard on cultivating other relationships in my life, with family and friends. I have many more close friends now, friends I somehow had overlooked during the relationship and the early stages of the breakup. I started volunteering as a youth basketball coach, it's been awesome watching the kids learn and grow. With so much more free time, I've really thrown myself into becoming a much better volleyball player. I'm still not quite there yet, but I'm gradually improving my game and am finally to a point where teams are calling me up when they need a substitute or when they're forming a team for a tournament.

Without NC, I don't think I would ever have reached this point. I feel that I am opening up again to the idea of another long-term relationship, with the right woman. I have gone out with other women since around the halfway point, it did take awhile to even attempt such a thing, and certain activities felt really weird to do with someone that wasn't my ex, at first.

A whole year has gone by and things have gotten better. I don't think about her as much, and I don't feel completely awful when I do. When I do think about her and I feel my mood waning, I go and do something, or go and hang out with a friend, or find out what's bothering a friend and see if I can help with anything. Keeps my mind sane. She's friends with some of my close friends, so when she will be at a certain event, they know better than to invite me, and I know better than to go (if she goes) when they feel obligated to invite us both. I've been hanging with a few girls, and I continue to meet new people everywhere I go. Hopefully, the next "The One" will come along at some point, and we'll see where that goes.

I hope my success gives hope to others that really need some. If you're not NC yet, get all the crying and begging and whatnot out of your system... it's totally OK to do that, everyone does in order to learn that it won't work. THEN GO NO CONTACT. Improve yourself, find fun things to do, improve your existing relationships, make life better for others. It'll be the best thing you've ever done in your life as well, that is, until you finally find the very last "The One".

Check out the mp3 in my signature, it really helped me get through some rough times. And if anyone has any questions, post them here or feel free to PM me, and I'll answer what I can when I can. Good luck all.

today would be my first of NC. thank you for your advice its helping me start NC and stick to it.

Good job. It's really nice when people come back here to tell others about their progress. I wish more did. Seems like a lot of people disappear after they get through the tough stuff. I hope you will be an inspiration to all who are struggling with NC.

You know those 2 notches on your belt you mentioned?

You know the old saying" well that's another notch on my belt" when you've accomplished something??

GO AHEAD AND ADD A THIRD ONE....that's quite an achievement, and certainly shows that anything can be accomplished with the right mindset.

Change you mindset - change your life.

Congratulations - well done.

Congratulations are in order. So nice to hear you are going well.

Well done, im really struggling with this right now. Thanks for shedding a bit of light on a very dark place.

Congrats!!! You have brought hope and strength to all of us in the healing stage! Thanks!

Your story...quite inspiring...to all poor souls struggling...be well and happy with your new life...you deserve it, after all...

Well done! I admire you.

I really hope I get there one day. 4 months since BU. 2 weeks NC. Its tough as I dont want him to forget me with NC but at the same time he has had every chance to come back or change so I have accept that now and move on.

Well done to you, you sound like you have become a much stronger person and I wish you all the best with your future and finding the right person for you.

It's always going to be a struggle, it just become less and less of one as time passes. All those sayings about "time heals all wounds"? When you first start out, you're like... really??? no way, this hurts way too much. But those sayings come from somewhere, and that somewhere is from people that have gone through the exact same thing.

A warning though, you will never not think about your ex ever again. If there was love, months later (or years), you will still think about that person fondly, or at least about the good times you had. And that's OK. Think of those times fondly, IT WAS a great part of your life. But so is today, if you go out and make it great. You will still think about them, and you know what? They'll still think about you, not longing for you probably, but in the same way, thinking about the great times you shared.

For those just starting NC, you might break it. A lot of people do, and when they do, they feel a lot worse afterwards. The good thing is... you can restart NC again. You're also going to have high peaks and low valleys of emotions. I don't remember what week it was for me, but I had been feeling a lot better at that point, and I saw a picture of her on facebook. It was a friend of a friend's party and I guess they had met because they ran in the same sort of circles (it's a small world). There she was in a beautiful dress. I broke down, and just cried so hard. It was a serious low after a pretty long period of NC. That may come. And when it does, cry it all out, go to bed, and get back to work the next day.

Here are a bunch of quotes and links that I've gotten from eNA that have helped me:

“Grief, when allowed to progress naturally, tends to come in waves. After the first initial shock of the loss abates, waves of sorrow begin to wash over you rather unpredictably. At first the waves are huge and close together and you are afraid that you will drown. Eventually, they get smaller and more manageable, and you grow less afraid of them, although a big one can still take you by surprise. The phrase "working through" grief means that you are able to get to the point where you can just stand there and let the waves sweep over you and not try to run or pretend you're not getting soaked. Standing there feeling the waves, you start to realise that this is as bad as it's going to get and you can begin to understand that you are going to survive. That's when you start to pass through to the other side of mourning: accepting and making peace with your loss” -- don't remember where this is from

"When people make you feel unwanted, don't leave to make them feel sad or guilty, they won't. Leave because you no longer have a reason to stay. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you." -- also don't remember

“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in.” -- Haruki Murakami

Dramallama's AWESOME THREAD:

and again, the mp3 at the bottom of my signature