Women: would you go to a sperm bank and do it on your own...

...if the right man wasn't around? Say, for example, if you were running out of time?

A post in a different thread sparked this question for me, but I didn't want to thread jack.

Personally, I don't want children, so I find the question a bit difficult to relate to directly. But I think as a point of departure, I would like the child to have both a mother and a father who are present in his/her life. I also don't like the idea of sidelining men in reproductive processes.

What do others think?

Nope. Never. I want my child to have a father. I also do not want genetics I have not eyed myself. Plus, I find it just, totally WRONG, for me.

...if the right man wasn't around? Say, for example, if you were running out of time?

 

A post in a different thread sparked this question for me, but I didn't want to thread jack.

 

Personally, I don't want children, so I find the question a bit difficult to relate to directly. But I think as a point of departure, I would like the child to have both a mother and a father who are present in his/her life. I also don't like the idea of sidelining men in reproductive processes.

 

What do others think?

totally agree w/ you. No kids for me...but I would want to raise a child w/ both parents present.

I'm a single mom through divorce. It is NOT easy!!! There is NO WAY I would do that!

No because as others have said I'd want a father for my child and it's against my religion as well.

Nope. Never. I want my child to have a father. I also do not want genetics I have not eyed myself. Plus, I find it just, totally WRONG, for me.

Is it true that in some sperm banks, you actually get information on the physical features and genetics of the donors? We don't have sperm banks where I live so I don't know how it works.

Yes I would have if I could financially take care of the child myself.

Is it true that in some sperm banks, you actually get information on the physical features and genetics of the donors? We don't have sperm banks where I live so I don't know how it works.

You may get info............and you may get wrong info................I dunno....I just do not believe in making babies this way. It seems un natural and gross to me. Like Huntress said too, it is also against my religion, any "scientific " baby making is.

I think one of the contradictions I see with it is that when my mother's generation was growing up and laying a lot of the ground work for the rights that I have as a woman today, a significant demand was that men participate equally in all aspects related to child rearing. My mother was a single mother from the time when I was seven (due to divorce) and I know she always felt that my father didn't do his part of the work, both practically but also financially. So, with that as a historical background, it doesn't make sense for me to say to now say to men: 'We expect that you take your part of the responsibility for child rearing - but only when we feel like having you around'. Maybe that exact formulation sounds a bit pointed, but that's kind of what it boils down to for me, even if that's not what individual women are thinking when they take the step to do it on their own. But of course, I guess a lot of these women would actually like to have a man in their lives, but since they don't, they view going it alone as the second best option.

I might. I've occesionally thought about it. The older I get, the less it feels as thought I will meet someone I could be bothered with in the long term.

Of course, that depends entirely on how badly my ovaries start to freak out, and how well positioned I am to pay for everything a child needs, and deal with it's emotional needs.

My wife and I have no family to help us with the kids and can rarely afford sitters. As a result, all we EVER do is work and watch kids. If one were to try to go at this alone, I think they would need to have LOTS of help from family and friends just to survive.

all we EVER do is work and watch kids.

I have to admit this is a major reason why I'm going to pass.

No, honestly I think it is an extremely selfish choice.

It's not even an option in my mind.

No, honestly I think it is an extremely selfish choice.

It's not even an option in my mind.

itsallgrand - How is it selfish? Would it be better to adopt?

Like who just get's out of bed and says "hey im gonna have a baby..on my own". I mean its a personal decision and if the person doing it probably has thought long and hard about it and probably hasn't gotten alot of surround support based on whatever one else is saying on here to because it's not natural or normal. But against all odds, I am pretty sure their reasons are with good intent and probably the best option for them. I have contemplated it, because even though its hard, I don't want to just have a baby by a man I love, but argues with me or verbally abuses me all the time and then have my child grow up in that environment or later divorce -- it's too much. And if year after year of waiting for the right one to come along doesn't happen, well I can understand why someone might consider this route.

I would hope that the person deciding to do this will want to have their finances and life intact before doing it too. Cause it's not an easy job.

I would seriously consider it if I was desperate for a child and time was running out. It certainly wouldn't be my preferred option as I'd much rather my child had two parents, but if it was a choice between never having a child (because I couldn't find anyone) or having one with a sperm donor then...yeah I just might. I've heard about sperm donation/co-parenting websites where men and women who want children can put up a profile and search for a partner to co-parent with. Interesting solution.

There are many more selfish ways to have kids than going to a sperm bank. What about not being able to afford kids but having litters of them anyways. Or having multiple kids by different men. Or having one as a teenager because all your friends are having them. Or having one to try and save a failing relationship in the hopes it'll make your partner stay around.

Unlike so many pregnancies, at least this kind is planned and wanted and probably very well thought through.

I'm not here to judge individual people. I personally think/feel it is selfish because it is all about one person wanting a child above all else. Above giving that child a father. Above raising that child in a happy family home where he/she will see the model of two people who love each other. Above all other types of considerations. It is all about the potential mother's want - and yes, that is selfish in my opinion.

It could be argued many ways, and I have thought about them. Such as; is it any different than a woman going out and sleeping with pretty near anyone or marrying any guy just to have kids? Not really, to be short. That is selfish too.

Such as; how can you ever be sure even if you start out a family with all good intentions that the child will not have to go through divorce, the break up of a family, etc. Well you can't. But you can at least try. You can actively choose to use all your good judgement, try to provide as many opportunities as you can, a family from the start. It is one thing when things don't work out, people don't go in there thinking that is going to happen (and if they do, they probably should have thought harder about diving in). It's another thing to choose from the beginning to be a single parent.

Which brings up the next logical argument: can't a single parent, different kinds of families, be as good as the nuclear one? I'd say, while there are a lot of good single parents out there who do a good job, and while there are a lot of good families out there that were not created in the traditional way (partners commit for life, then comes baby) .....they are not ideal. The traditional is still ideal for bringing up a child. It's proven, it's efficient, it works.

So I've thought of a lot of different angles to this. I'm not just clipping off "you are wrong" or even that people that choose this couldn't make it work, have good intent, and be good parents. But I still think it is selfish.

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Just one of many similar studies.

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Just one of many similar studies.

That's interesting, thanks for that link.

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Just one of many similar studies.

Although the study extends to father figures and not just fathers. The study seems to stress the importance of a father or father figure in the child's life as being beneficial. I think it would be a dis-service to women who choose to go to sperm banks by saying that there wont be a father figure in the child's life. The assumption seems to be that the mother will be raising the child completely by herself but as we have no individual example(s) just a vague question.

My personal experience is te man in your life doesn't HAVE to e your biological father. My father figure is my uncle (no blood relation). My father was a horrid father, everything I know about men or the view I have is because of my uncle, not my father.

Although the study extends to father figures and not just fathers. The study seems to stress the importance of a father or father figure in the child's life as being beneficial. I think it would be a dis-service to women who choose to go to sperm banks by saying that there wont be a father figure in the child's life. The assumption seems to be that the mother will be raising the child completely by herself but as we have no individual example(s) just a vague question.

Yes, my question concerned the situation where a woman will choose that option because there isn't a man available that she would like to have children with, and that the point of departure is that she will therefore do the child rearing by herself (hence the phrase 'on your own'). I didn't mean circumstances where, for example, she is in a relationship where the man is infertile.

My personal experience is te man in your life doesn't HAVE to e your biological father. My father figure is my uncle (no blood relation). My father was a horrid father, everything I know about men or the view I have is because of my uncle, not my father.

That's also what that study said. It doesn't have to be a biological father.

Good topic! Wouldn't go to a sperm bank.

Sometime's I feel that having a child would be nice but if it doesn't happen? then it just is. Maybe it's a sign from the universe telling me that I'm not meant to have children and I can accept that.

Although the study extends to father figures and not just fathers. The study seems to stress the importance of a father or father figure in the child's life as being beneficial. I think it would be a dis-service to women who choose to go to sperm banks by saying that there wont be a father figure in the child's life. The assumption seems to be that the mother will be raising the child completely by herself but as we have no individual example(s) just a vague question.

Human beings evolved over thousands upon thousands of years with Mom, Dad and the children that way for a reason. Yes there were exceptions but the same thing applies. Let's not forget that many children were brought up without mothers before modern medicine meant that death in childbirth or soon afterwards was highly prevalent but also extended family and being raised 'by the village' also had an impact.

This is not to say that single parents do a bad job individually but these studies show similar results far too often to be dismissed.

CrannyFadock great name lol, may change mine to KerryHunt.

I worked in a sperm bank, had to work a week in hand, make a deposit, and the bonuses were yuck, so i lost interest.