10 years, no ring

This question is a little different than the title might imply. I have another thread elsewhere in this forum that talks a little more broadly about my life, but here I just wanted to ask a very specific question to get folks' impressions.

Married for 10.5 years. For the first few months, my wife wore her wedding band and engagement ring for the most part, during the day at least. Then she started wearing them only on special occasions, because she was worried the stone would slip out of the mount, and because it was too loose (and later too tight).

For the past 10 years, she hasn't worn them on more than two or three occasions. I've told her twice how much this hurts me, and she's said that either we need to get them resized and don't have the money right now (to which I responded that it's been *10 years*, we've certainly had the money during most of that time if she'd wanted to), or else (because of ongoing semi-minor health issues, food allergies etc) because she swells too much from day to day and what she could wear one day would be uncomfortably tight a few days later, or later the same day. That feels like a thin excuse; I've lost and regained significant weight during that time and it hasn't been that much of a problem -- and she could wear them as a pendant if she cared to.

I've worn my ring every day since my wedding. I take it off at night because I find it uncomfortable to sleep with a ring, but first thing next morning, it's back on. It's not really for her, it's for me; it's a reminder of a decision that's important to me. Which obviously makes me wonder: how important can it be to her if she never bothers to wear hers, even knowing how I feel?

I'm sure married men and women wear rings for slightly different reasons, as they're such a purely cultural artifact and has pretty gender-specific meaning historically (we're in the US and both born and bred in this culture). I rarely notice married women out and about without a ring (not counting athletics) -- not that I'd necessarily notice, of course, since I don't know the marital status of every non-ring-wearing person. So, questions, especially to women out there: is this common, or normal? Are these excuses reasonable? Are my feelings misguided, or outdated, or am I blowing this out of proportion?

hm. kind of strange, but maybe not overly strange. i do know some married women who sometimes wear, sometimes do not wear their wedding ring (my former boss was one of them). some others don't wear the engagement ring. others wear it everyday. i have another friend who has a wedding ring, but that doesn't look like a wedding ring at all - looks more like an 'artsy silver ring' which is probably is.

since it's important to you, i'd ask her if she would wear it. obviously, there is a lot of symbolism. if money is the issue (resizing or whatever) tell her you'd be happy to pay for it to be fixed.

maybe she doesn't like how rings feel anymore? i used to wear rings all the time when i was a teen. now i don't at all. sometimes i might wear a ring to work but take it off through the day because it gets on my nerves...

I used to wear tons of rings, now I only wear my engagement ring. They just started to annoy me after awhile. Rings kind of get in the way and some women prefer not to wear anything. Unless she is making you doubt her commitment in other ways, this is likely a non-issue and just a personal preference for her.

If you know she's committed and you have a solid relationship otherwise, try to accept her reasoning for not wearing her ring.

I know I personally do not like wearing rings, but give me a bracelet and I'll wear it everyday.

If size is truly the issue, without getting the ring resized I would use something like this.

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Are you concerned that she is not as committed as you? If her not wearing the ring makes you feel insecure or hurt, another sit-down is in order so you both fully understand where one another is coming from.

Her reasons could be valid. I had something similar with my hands, my fingers would swell enough that the ring was too tight and I could not remove it, which felt rather scary. Other times the swelling would go down, and the ring would fit normal, other times too loose—I'd have to move it to my middle finger so it wouldn't fall off. Resizing would not have helped. I tried wearing it on a chain around my neck, but had a few chains break, so I kept it in a safe place.

I can no longer wear rings, period. Clasps on necklaces and bracelets are nearly impossible for me to connect, and my ears itch when I wear most earrings, so I can't do much in the way of jewelry.

It is entirely possible if she has medical issues that it is uncomfortable to wear a ring. Would you be satisfied if she were to wear it on a chain with a very secure clasp so its close to her heart instead if its uncomfortable to wear? I totally get the thing about not wanting to wear the engagement ring except for special occasions. The prongs on my former ring were always getting snagged.

Did she wear rings before you were married? I'm not married myself, but I absolutely hate wearing rings. It wouldn't matter the level of commitment, even if married, I wouldn't wear one. I can see myself doing as she did and trying for a few months before abandoning it altogether. As to putting it on a pendant- same thing, maybe she just doesn't want to wear a necklace all day, I certainly wouldn't. Doesn't mean her commitment is any less. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I don't wear mine....

Yes, I do make an effort to wear it because I know it hurts my husband when I don't but I find it uncomfortable. I have never ever worn a lot of jewelry. I certainly can't sleep in the ring as my fingers do swell at night. I try to remember to put it on in the morning but in my line of work I find it gets in the way a lot.

My husband has NEVER taken his off... sweet man!!!

Its not that I'm out looking to try and be single. I'm happy to be married and the last thing I want is another man to deal with! I just don't like wearing it. I'm glad I convinced him NOT to buy me a diamond... it would just be gathering dust. I have a very tiny and plain band. I've even offered to have my ring finger tattooed for him but he knows I really dislike tattoos.

My commitment is no less just because I don't actually wear my ring often.

Just before he died of a heart attack, my grandfather (he lived with us, helped raised me, I adored him) bought me a very, very beautiful diamond ring from Tiffany's. It was for my 21st. He died very shortly after.

I barely ever wear it because it's loose and I'm terrified of losing it. It's not because it doesn't mean a lot to me -it's because it means too much to me. Losing it is not an option. I could get it resized and I think about doing so but I feel like if I do, it won't be the same ring and that thought keeps me back.

I sometimes wear it as a pendant. However, it's not my wedding ring. Not sure I'd want to wear my wedding ring as a pendant.

I think if its a size issue it's legitimate and nothing to be hurt about.

My fingers change a lot over the course of the days/weeks too - sometimes my wedding ring is a lot looser than normal (but not so loose it would fall off) so - its perfectly possible that your wife is being absolutely honest with what she's telling you. Just because your fingers dont change with weight gain/loss doesn't mean hers dont. We're all a bit different in these areas.

So.. don't be too quick to be hurt. What's she like in all the other aspects of being a wife? Would you like to get her a cheaper ring that she wears on her wedding finger that's ok to lose (both cost wise and sentiment wise)? Would that make you feel better? If so suggest it..

Some people just hate to wear rings... and sometimes particular rings are uncomfortable...

Have you offered to let her get it reset in a different setting if the ring doesn't feel right?

But really, some people just don't like wearing rings, feel constricted by them... and not all people do wear wedding rings. if you have no reason to doubt her fidelity, i wouldn't make too big a deal about it...

btw, some people's fingers can swell significantly if they are salt sensitive... i've had times when i couldn't even get a ring on. Or got it on in the morning and by the afternoon it was too tight to get off again... so it does happen.

Thanks for the perspective, folks. Perhaps my view was more in the minority than I realized, and that not wearing rings isn't that surprising. I did feel that never wearing them for years on end, despite me telling her a few times how I felt, was a little callous, but I'm going to reset my expectations and not blow this into a bigger deal than it is. I can certainly understand that it can be uncomfortable to wear rings -- took me a couple years to even really get used to mine.

Thanks for the perspective, folks. Perhaps my view was more in the minority than I realized, and that not wearing rings isn't that surprising. I did feel that never wearing them for years on end, despite me telling her a few times how I felt, was a little callous, but I'm going to reset my expectations and not blow this into a bigger deal than it is. I can certainly understand that it can be uncomfortable to wear rings -- took me a couple years to even really get used to mine.

My husband feels very much like you do... as I said before I just don't wear rings. I know it does hurt him to some degree but I try to reassure him in other ways how much I love him and its not like I'm going out at night with the girls not wearing my ring. I'm home every night with him.

Hang in there!

Neither one of us wear our rings. We don't wear any jewellery at all. My skin is very sensitive and any ring will make my finger itch. Plus my fingers swelling.

He has his in the little box though right by his computer.

A friend of mine got a cheap temporary ring when she was pregnant because her fingers swelled and her wedding ring didn't fit. It sounds like with your wife though resizing or a different ring wouldn't help much if she just finds it uncomfortable due to the constant changing size of her finger. I am the opposite because I love rings and don't have the swelling problem, but unless it is indicative of a problem in the relationship I guess you just have to let it go.

To be clear, too, I don't question her faithfulness in the least. The relationship does have other problems that I intentionally left out here (I posted on some of them elsewhere in ENA) in order to focus on this question. She has some emotional problems (depression, anxiety, poor self esteem), is uniformly incredibly negative, frequently tells me she hates her life (not in a hyperbolic "man, sometimes I just hate my life!" way, but more "my life is full of horrible problems, and there is absolutely nothing good or worthwhile in it", though the problems change on about a yearly basis), communication is incredibly difficult as she takes anything that's the least bit negative or disagreeing with her as a major personal affront, and I feel like my needs are a distant second in the relationship as a result. She won't try therapy. Affection is almost nonexistant (I'm the only one to ever initiate kisses, hugs, casual touches, or saying "I love you" -- I can't recall her initiating anything more than a very occasional hug in years), as is sex (about twice a year on average). She is judgmental towards our kids and has anger issues (though she never hits them, or me).

But this wasn't about all that; that's just the background that makes it hard for me to objectively determine whether this one particular, relatively pretty minor thing -- not wearing her ring -- fell on the spectrum between "pretty normal" to "what the hell?!". So thanks, again, for the feedback!

Sounds like the ring is the least of your problems. I am sorry to hear that. Good luck with everything.