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Thread: One situation which I have no confident solution for..Should I have come abroad?

  1. #1

    One situation which I have no confident solution for..Should I have come abroad?

    So thanks for taking the time to read this. Not posted for this kind of problem before but this is a tricky one.

    I was with my boyfriend for 3 years during university. We lived together during the final year. We were amazingly close, best friends, had that spark there right until the very end and very much in love and crazy about each other. After I graduated, I had a job offer in China for a year. I understood that this would put a huge strain on our relationship and he was very much against me coming. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I thought that if our love was 'true' we would get through it. So I came.

    I'm here now and due to go back in July. When I first came here, our relationship got crazy - he was mad jealous, always angry, starting fights etc and I did miss him insanely. So I paid for him to come and visit me. He came and it was a load of crap. I had only been here for 2 weeks and knew near to nothing - none of the language, didn't know where to go/what to do and hadn't even taken the subway ever! Now I have been here 6 months and much more settled. We stayed together, knowing that when I am back we would be brilliant and much more mature and trusting than before. A month or so ago, he broke up with me giving no explanation, which I later found out was a ploy to make me go back. The thing is, I do want to go back. It's pretty rubbish out here, don't like my job and really bad wage. But I'd feel like I was giving up if I returned.

    So after that drama, we continued to speak. He said he couldn't speak to me everyday as it made him feel consumed by me and my new life out here and hurt him but we promised to wait for each other until I was back. He'd been cheated on in his past 2 relationships and his Dad cheated on his Mum and treated her really badly and they divorced when he was young. So he was very much against cheating and so am I. I stayed loyal. He's blocked me on Facebook as 'he doesn't want to see what I'm doing all of the time'. Last week,

    I was doing some Facebook stalking from my friend's profile and came accross a girl. Her profile picture was him and her, together, close, touching heads. I was absolutely gobsmacked. I had no idea he had got close to another girl. All of her friends had commented on the picture saying they look cute together, he is friends with all of them and he has liked all of her pictures on Facebook. I literally couldn't function for a while when I saw that. I asked him - he denied he has done anything with her and said that they are just friends. I really don't believe this though. Anyway after this he told me he loved me, will wait for me and doesn't want to let our memories go. I felt strange - I loved him too and know how great we can be and would be when I'm back but the fact that he has become attracted to somebody else shows that it's not meant to be, right? If he had made an effort to explain who she is/what had happened etc then I would be able to try and understand and not be so bitter about it. But he didn't, he said I was just being petty. A part of me really began to hate him and I haven't been able to sleep since. I keep on having images of him and her all the time and it is making me feel very depressed.

    So I text him ending things yesterday, he got angry and assumed it was because I wanted to be with somebody else, I told him it is nothing to do with anybody else and he promptly changed his number and hasn't replied to any of my emails. All I wanted was for him to try. It's pretty obvious that he has this girl and likes her so isn't as affected about me right? But I know if I didn't leave this wouldn't have happened. I really want to go back home. I want to rectify things and I hate it out here, my job, my house, the way my company treats me, my wage, there's nothing for me here. All that is stopping me is that I don't want to feel like a failure and give up. But this pain is so heart wrenching and I actually feel depressed, never felt this low before and have had images of committing suicide or wishing the taxi I was in would crash.

    Please help if you can, thanks.
    Last edited by kamurj; 09-22-2012 at 09:37 PM.

  2. #2

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    The problem is that when people want to go abroad, for whatever reason, they put a burden of the person left behind. The one leaving is all excited about the adventure, they get to fo a new places, meet new people and have new experiences - they have a lot to look forward to. But the person left behind has the same old life they had before except now their partner has gone, the social life is curtailed because they can't do alone the things they did with their partner and they can't do the things single people do because they have a partner. And yet they are expected to be unselfish and support the decision of their partner to go off on the adventure. They are in lose-lose situation.

    A year apart can be a long time and it may well be that his attachment to you and the relationship became weakened to the point of leaving - that is not surprising, especially if someone interesting and attractive showed interest in him.

    If you want him back then you should return because you aren't happy where you are, the adventure turned out to be a miserable experience rather than what you expect and it would be silly to stay there because you feel like a failure - that is pride talking and it is never wise to let pride stand in the way of what you want and what makes you happier. He may not want to resume the relationship but that is still better than the situation in which you are presently.

  3. #3
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    I think you should go home. I understand why you feel like you're "giving up" if you leave China, but what's the point of staying if you hate it so much? You'll be happier at home, and I don't think you'll feel any better about your situation by the time July rolls around. Go home. The feeling of "I'm glad I didn't give up" isn't strong enough to cover how much you hate it there.

    As for the guy - don't blame this on your choice to go abroad. That was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you probably would have been kicking yourself for years if you didn't go. People get through a year without seeing each other all the time. I don't think he got close with another girl just because you left; this is something that probably would have happened in your relationship regardless. He technically had no "obligation" to you since you had broken up, but the fact that he lied so much about it is shady. I think we can all agree that his real reason for blocking you on Facebook was so you wouldn't find out about the other girl - and that says everything to me right there.

    My advice: go home, but forget about this guy. He doesn't care about you the way you care about him. You can find someone who will treat you better.

  4. #4
    Thanks.

    The thing is, I don't think I will be happier at home. The only reason that I'm so miserable out here is because of what's happening with him. My job and wage are really bad but I knew that before I came here and I thought it'd be worth it and a great opportunity to see and live in China first-hand. So the fact that him and I are breaking up and I'm feeling so low is making me hate being out here even more. I always thought that if we were strong enough and our love was 'real', we would get through this. It's a year out of a lifetime together right?

    If I went home, I'd have no job to go back to, I'd be giving up on this programme which is with a prestigious government company so losing out on a reference and giving up on a personal challenge. I have friends here with boyfriends/girlfriends back home who have a healthy relationship. I honestly thought me and this guy were amazing and had a love like no other - I can't describe it in words. But this apparently amazing guy can't keep his eyes to himself.

    I know I'm contradicting myself. On the one hand, I know that the signs are there - he's not for me, he's moving on, he doesn't want me like I want him. On the other hand, I feel the lowest I have ever felt, haven't been able to sleep for the past week and am have just become round unhappy and negative, all the time thinking I'll never get over him.

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  6. #5

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    But from his point of view; although you want him, you were prepared to move away from him for a year. Why does he have to be the one to prove his love by accepting that? Like I said, there is no upside for him.

  7. #6
    I turned 22 last month. I just graduated from university and had this exceptional opportunity to come to China under a reputable company. I had no job ready back home, the boy is pursuing his law career and is conducting further study.

    What would you have done at my age in a relationship that you thought was stable? Moved for a year, knowing that you were young and this is really your only chance to do things like this and take the risk of the relationship failing because it wasn't so stable in the first place. Or, not take the risk, pass up on the opportunity to remain in a secure relationship that would probably fail at a later stage anyway (if this is failing now)?

    I appreciate your point of view and thank you for the advice but I really do believe that if the love is strong enough, it will prevail. I'm not deluding myself thinking 'what's meant to be will be', 'you will find the 'One' one day', 'fate decides' etc. Life is short and many people never find a love, die young etcetc. But, if he loved me like I loved him, he would wait. I waited. There were many opportunities for me to cheat or stray here if I wanted to, but I didn't.

    Yes I'm abroad so automatically that pertains to 'great time' but not really, I came to enhance and pursue my career, not to blow off a relationship and have fun. So he doesn't have to prove his love and accept anything, but if there was love there then there would be nothing to prove and this remaining 4 months would be worked at for a lifetime of happiness together.

  8. #7

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    All this stuff about if love is strong enough it will prevail is all very well if you are the one deciding to move away for your benefit. This isn't something that is done without choice - such as when, six weeks after they were married, my father went off to fight in the war and didn't return for three and half years. Their love was strong enough for the relationship to survive that separation but neither had any choice in the matter. You had a choice to do something that had a perceived benefit to you and no benefit to him and you imposed it on him. That was an intrinsically selfish choice - nothing wrong in making it, you had every right to do so and to do whatever you felt was in your best interests. But having done so, it hardly seems fair to blame him for deciding it wasn't in his best interests to wait for you.

    "If he loved me, he would have waited for me" is really no different than "if she loved me, she would not have been happy to leave me for a year".

  9. #8
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    Question DN,

    If you were in the shoes of this man, what would you have done if approached with the prospect of having your partner go away for a year in a situation just like this? Would you have accepted it and stay, move on? Will you feel like she "owes" you something upon return?

  10. #9

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    It's hard to say unless you are in that situation. I would not have thought I was owed anything on return, that's for sure, but I think I would have resented the idea that I owed my partner a year away and was expected to just wait. Those are decisions that couples make together, as opposed to one imposing their decision on another. "I am off to fulfill my destiny and if you love me you will wait for me" is all very well for the person off on the adventure, not so appealing for the one left behind. It certainly wouuld have made my doubt whether my partner loved me if she were happy to do that.


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