"Who am I?" Phoenixfire Self-Doubt

Febuary 28, 2012

I've changed. I have changed who i am. So many times i've looked in the mirror and questioned what i saw. A few times, i have screamed at my reflection. Because of what happened to me as a child, i have always felt the need to impress others. I never really cared much about myself. So when i see something i think other people won't like, i get rid of it and replace it with something new... the only problem is that when i look at myself now, i don't know who i really am. What do i like? Who do i like? What do i really think or feel, instead of what i want others to see i think and feel? I guess i just... i never really thought about what came next. I always lived so in the moment, so forward, i never really looked where i would end up. So here i am, looking at my reflection and wanting to cry at the horrible creature that stares back at me. I'm trying to hold together a life i'm not in control of. So what do i do? I've tried so hard to find the "real" me, but i've changed so many times barely anything remains. Everything i do feels false and forced. I am trapped within my own body, struggling to get free, but afraid of what may happen if i succeed. What will i become next? Will i find my "true" self, or will i just be trapped again in a new shell?

Please help me. Any advice, smiles, and words of encouragement will mean the world to me.

Thank you all so much

I've changed. I have changed who i am.

Nothing wrong with that. We all change constantly and thats the way it should be till the end of your life IMO.

What do i like? Who do i like? What do i really think or feel, instead of what i want others to see i think and feel?

I see this as a positive mind state. It looks like a road to a nervous breakdown, but in fact, the simple fact that you are questioning yourself in this constructive way means you are growing, changing and evolving yourself.

I am trapped within my own body, struggling to get free, but afraid of what may happen if i succeed.

This right here. Who is this entity that is trapped? Struggling to get free? And why are you affraid to become this new entity? Maybe its just your true-self that wants to emerge.

Who is this entity that is trapped? Struggling to get free? And why are you affraid to become this new entity? Maybe its just your true-self that wants to emerge.

I've wondered what part of me is, and whether it is my "true-self" or just another mask. I guesss i'm afraid that if i succeed in "escaping", i may just become more trapped than i am now.

February 29, 2012

Is this what i've been reduced to? A mental and emotional wreck? My grades are worse than ever, my health is going down the drain, I keep hurting the people around me, and i feel lost everywhere i go. I constantly question myself, my beliefs, my actions, degrading and ripping apart everything i do. It's easy for me to just avoid the truth, keep telling myself that this is the real me, but... something just doesn't feel right. I know i can be a far better person, and the real me is out there somewhere... i only wish i could find him. I feel like my world is falling apart around me, and i can't do anything to stop it. Why do i have to be so... small?

Please help me. Any advice, smiles, and words of encouragement will mean the world to me.

Thank you all so much

March 1, 2012

So now this becomes more like a journal. Me and my ex agreed no contact and to stay away from each other for the foreseeable future, so i usually sit with my friends during lunch and she goes off to god-knows-where to hang out with the few people who still like her. Suddenly she thinks it's okay to come and sit with my group of friends every other day during lunch, and bring her latest ex along too. I can't tell her to piss off, the school counciler says she's not doing anything wrong, and even though some of my friends agree with me, there's nothing i can do to get her to go away. It's not that i miss her, i hate her and i feel sick and stressed whenever she's around me, and all i'm trying to do is spend luch with my friends nowhere near her. So i usually end up storming off and spending lunch alone instead of with my friends. I mean what the hell am i supposed to do?

March 12, 2012

Wow, i haven't posted here in a while... Anyway, so i'm now busy fighting off depression, my mind is beating myself up about every little thing i do, my entire body hurts, the universe is out to kill me, and i hate my life. Not gonna off myself anytime soon though. The universe will just have to put up with my existence

This is going well...

March 17

Yeah, i'm pretty sure someone up there has it in for me... i've been out of shool in bad-to-critical condition with strep throat and a possible stomach infection. I'm still fighting back and just starting down the road to recovery now. Not givingup, i'm gonna keep living. You'll have to do better than that universe

March 19

Keep getting into fights with my family and friends... i just want everyone to leave me alone. Please?

March 22

Two snow days right before spring break... just wonderful. I've been pretty emotional lately, trying to keep myself from thinking about the past. Stupid snow... ah well, that's life. I miss my friends and being able to spend a lot of time with them... it sucks to be alone. The universe is still trying to kill me, almost had a ladder and a box of weights fall on my head. Nice try, but too slow universe. I'll keep fighting until the day i die