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Thread: <> Buddy - attached or no?

  1. #1

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    <> Buddy - attached or no?

    So this guy and I have a very strange sort of relationship. Obviously it boils down to <> buddies, but the situation is fairly complicated.
    He has a casual girlfriend, and wishes he doesn't - loves her, but is itching to get out. He's only ever slept with her (and now me), and doesn't want to waste away his college years in a serious relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend recently for the same reason - this ex and I still see each other for casual dates occasionally, with the understanding that I still care for him, but am not ready to date for marriage. I've never slept with anyone other than these two either.
    Unfortunately, this ex - let's call him Billy - and the boy I am now sleeping with - let's call him Bob - are roommates. They've known each other since high school, and used to be really good friends once upon a time. Bob disliked me for a long time based on complaints he listened to from Billy in high school (when we would break up or fight), but upon getting to know me in college, decided he didn't dislike me after all. All of Bob's friends think I am hot, and Bob apparently thinks so too. Bob's girlfriend is not unattractive, but she is no Victoria's Secret model.

    Both Bob and I are fairly uncomplicated relationship'ers. Neither of us want to get into a relationship, neither of us are clingy, neither of us feel the need to be together every second of every day, between the two of us or in our respective relationships. Neither of us have any intention of taking the <> buddy relationship farther - or so I thought.
    Recently, he has been talking about his sort-of-girlfriend a lot - how he wishes he was single like me, wishes she wasn't so clingy, doesn't even feel guilty sleeping with me. He will get a text from her saying she made him dinner while he's with me and complain about how he doesn't want to go. He'll complain about how he could never forgive himself for breaking her heart, but can't stand it when she cries because he's so distant.
    Originally the idea was just to sleep together so we could both privately acknowledge that we'd been with more than one person - a desire for both of us.

    Rules Bob has broken:

    He sleeps over - I don't really mind I guess, but it's a little intrusive if we're not going to do it all night.
    He cuddles - a LOT.
    He holds my hand - for no reason.
    He talks. A LOT. About everything from his childhood to his family to his goals for the future. I'm a talker too, so it's fine, but I'm pretty sure that's not normal for a <> buddy...
    He listens to what I say, and remembers it.
    He has my class schedule memorized.
    He texts me every day, even when he has nothing but " to say.
    He wants to sleep together at least three times a week - and it's not like he's not getting some from his sort-of-girlfriend, who loves him desperately. Recently, in fact, he started seeing her only on weekends.
    He complains about Billy, and how he can't believe I put up with him for so long.
    He talks about how he wants to brag about us and wishes inside jokes were okay when Billy is around.
    He wants to meet up before or after classes, where sex is NOT possible - meaning we would just be talking, or hanging out, or even go with me to the dining hall for dinner, or to go work out - it seems like for just a few minutes of "us" time.


    He will get really distant for a time, then be all over me for a time, pursuing me and telling me his life story. I'm not sure exactly what this means, since he's not really the type to chase girls or open up to anyone in the first place.

    Now, I've never had a <> buddy before, so maybe this is normal, but...?
    Last edited by agent; 02-27-2012 at 09:16 PM. Reason: evading profanity filter

  2. #2
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    He has a casual girlfriend, and wishes he doesn't - loves her, but is itching to get out.

    You need to stop right there. Bob has a girlfriend. If he really wanted to break up with her, he would have. You can kid yourself that you and Bob are kindred spirits, or you can face the reality that he is using you. If you both were single, I could say that "to each his own," do whatever you want but not if he is dating someone. He could also be downplaying their relationship to get sex from you. Also, if you are casually dating your ex boyfriend, or if he is still your boyfriend, this is going to blow up for you big time screwing both one guy AND his roommate. I don't care if you have only been with these two guys or a hundred or none.

    So, if you only want unattached sex, you need to break it off with Bob and your boyfriend that you are "seeing casually" and meet someone who wants the same thing you do.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    agreed 100%. he needs to break up with his gf. i agree that he's probably downplaying the relationship in hopes of having you on the side.

    and why would he want to break up with his gf if he has a woman on the side he is having sex with? then he has companionship from one woman and sex with another. a lot of guys love this.

    blah. forget it and move on.

  4. #4

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    That's a good thing - the point is for it to be non-attached sex. I don't WANT him to like me, we are just supposed to be <> buddies. Hence my worry that he might be getting too attached.
    Last edited by agent; 02-27-2012 at 09:32 PM. Reason: evading filter

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  6. #5
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    He's falling in love with you, you dope. He is just too insecure to break up with his GF becasue if he does he is putting all his chips on the table with you, and is not sure that is what you want. But he is falling for you, that is for sure.

    Now, he is a lying skunk to his GF and I am not sure I would want a relationship with someone who is capable of that...but then, you're helping him right along, so you are essentially two peas in a pod.

    If you gave any indication that you wanted it to be more, he would drop his GF like a hot potato. But since you are not, he is keeping his bases covered.

  7. #6
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    So basically you're asking if he's getting too attached. Does it matter? Will it change anything from your end? My guess is no.

    However, maybe it's a good time to ask yourself why you are actively seeking out situations that could potentially really hurt some other people. I understand the concept of FWB, but there's so many people in the world- why does it have to be someone with a gf, and someone who lives with your ex?

  8. #7
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    It doesn't sound complicated in the least. You're having sex with someone and he is behaving in ways that suggest he has feelings for you. Any complications from that situation are of your own making because of course it's simple to tell him that since you only want to have sex and do not want to be in a relationship with him, you two should not have sex with him. My impression is that you are enjoying the complications because they're good for your ego.

  9. #8
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    In my opinion, the very fact that you are on here asking these questions means that you care a little more about him than you may think...otherwise you wouldn't even question what his motives were behind all this. First off, I think the entire situation is wrong given that he has a girlfriend. Do you not care about or have any respect for his girlfriend whom you clearly know loves him to death? Don't be THAT girl. Friends with benefits is cool, if that's what you want and what he wants...but i don't think it's cool anymore when one of the two actually has a relationship regardless of whether or not they are happy in it. They should leave the relationship before they decide to f*ck around with someone on the side. Also, I think you should ask yourself why you even care if he is getting attached? If you are worried about him getting attached to you and you don't want that, bes to end it now. That's how these types of arrangements work anyway - the second one gets attached, it's time to run.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by nomercy
    That's a good thing - the point is for it to be non-attached sex. I don't WANT him to like me, we are just supposed to be <> buddies. Hence my worry that he might be getting too attached.
    Have unattached sex with a man who is also unattached, not a man who is cheating on his girlfriend and just kidding you/stringing you along that he is a poor victim who can't seem to escape her. That is what really is going on. No matter if he likes you or not, its wrong. What if you were still in love with your boyfriend and going out with him and he was having some doubts - what would you think if he was sleeping with another woman who you knew? How would that feel to you?

    Like it or not, having sex consistently is a form of relationship. Some may call it an affair. Unattached sex is having sex with someone you really don't see that often or know that well and is not part of a messy love triangle/rectangle with you and a guy, his girlfriend, and the guy you protest is not your boyfriend but you go on casual dates with. Or better yet, abstain until you figure yourself out.

    I would honestly stop sleeping with everybody right now and let the dust settle and figure out what you really want. Do you really want all this drama and garbage? It will come crashing down at some point. You can't make someone not like you or like you at will.


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