When one door closes...

I'm gonna give this a shot. I have so much stuff rattling around in my head, I suppose it wouldn't do any harm to get it out. I try to keep a written journal, but tend to forget about it after a while, plus this is tidier.

6 months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. I can't believe it was 6 months ago. Insane. My heart was broken. Still is, but I'm trying very hard to put the pieces back together. Maybe the pieces are together, but they just need to mesh and the scar needs to heal. Every now and then I stop in my tracks and get a 'realiastion' moment of 'wow, it really happened, we really ended'. We were together for 2 years. My first love, my first time. It's weird because when I look back at our relationship, I automatically think of all the wonderful times we had, and all the things I learned from him. I am so grateful to have had him in my life, but I need to accept that he wasn't my guy. It wasn't going to work. Too many incompatibilities, too many niggling disagreements and goals. I miss him. Very very much. But I want to try to build myself up again. I don't want to feel that I am nothing without someone else. I am still me. I'm still the person I was before I met him and when I was with him. All the things I have achieved in life came from my successes, through my hard work. He didn't make any of that happen. My degree, getting my job, my friendships... they're all me, not him. I need to realise that and trust that.

6 months til the day I hop on a plane and jet off to the other side of the world. Crazy! 6 months ago I thought I had met my future husband, I thought I was all set to settle down and my future contained him and only him. But now, my future holds so man new faces, new friendships, new experiences. An amazing experience awaits me. It scares the life out of me, but it's true. When one door closes, another opens. I really really see that now.

Arggghhhh.... money issues!! I honestly wonder why I get up every morning at the crack of dawn and work so damn hard to end up counting every last penny, BEFORE the month has even started. On the bright side, the fact I am so broke reminds me where I am putting my money.. into that little money box called 'TRAVELLING FUND'. And that makes me happy. So what if I have to be broke for a few months to have the experience of a lifetime.

I've just booked a few more trips to go home. But to be honest, I am only choosing to spend the money on going home because the alternative is to spend bank holidays here all by myself. It's pretty sad. I hate that I'm living like this. I hate that I spend my time counting down to going back to my parents for a weekend, and when I'm there just thinking how bad my life has become. I hate to sound so depressing and 'woe is me', but this time last year I was having such a good time.. with him. We were happy a year ago. I didn't worry about the future. I relished the future, I couldn't wait for the future to come, I saw happiness in a future filled with him. And now he's gone, I must admit that despite all the wonderful plans I can make, it still feels hollow and bleak to know he is no longer a part of my life. I used to just be so happy having a full day to spend with him. It didn't matter what we did. I was the happiest girl on the planet just cuddled with him on the sofa. Of course there were bad days, and frustrating days. I did love him very much but I suppose his heart just wasn't in it coming towards the end. I didn't know it at the time but I do now, and it's still the most bitter pill to swallow. I miss him so very much though, and that feeling that he was there for me no matter what. That no matter what other crap life threw at us we had each other. Anyway, I imagine it's still normal to feel this way, even after 6 months of being broken up. I put a great deal of myself into committing to him, and it fell apart. I don't see it as just a failed relationship, it's much more than that. It's a reminder to me not to be so careless with my heart and feelings, to be wary and to really value 'trust'. To look for what someone's actions say rather than their words. I think that could be the biggest lesson of all.