Your quick wins for getting over BU

I seem to be doing better than most. I'm a dumpee but I am not a victim. I have been determined to move on although still go through and have been going through the motions of upset, hurt, confusion, not eating, being low etc

 

These are the things that have helped me get through the last few weeks. What tips do you have?

 

1) Have the odd drink but do not get drunk, it makes you feel worse

2) Exercise

3) Reading self help/BU books for clarity of thoughts

4) Realising that the ex are not your whole life and do not validate you as a person

5) Make some fun plans

6) Focus on work (she says sitting here at work typing away on here

7) Laugh - put a comedy on and remember you can still laugh

8) Powerful music to lighten your mood

9) Catching up on all those silly little things that you put to one side when in a relationship

10) Meditation at the end of Yoga class & giving positive affirmations

All of these point to one thing ... working on you.

 

In order to move on you need to find peace. In order to do that you need to build yourself from the inside out. I have done all that you have mentioned above (although I can't do yoga, I'm not bendy lol). But, the most important thing is making sure that you can sit in a quiet, empty room by yourself. You need to be able to be at peace with yourself, you life, and where you want to go. Once you find that peace, you can forgive yourself for any past mistakes, and forgive others.

 

 

 

~dig

Another thing I'd add to this list is reflection.

Think about the ex before this (or the ex before that, lol) and how you see them now.

Odds are it's been months or years since you met that guy you thought you'd never get over, but now you're not bothered.

 

I'm almost embarrassed I let a few of the losers get to me so much, lol.

I'm sure in time, my newest ex will be another person I pray to God doesn't want to strike up a convo when I see him in the mall.

All of these point to one thing ... working on you.

 

In order to move on you need to find peace. In order to do that you need to build yourself from the inside out. I have done all that you have mentioned above (although I can't do yoga, I'm not bendy lol). But, the most important thing is making sure that you can sit in a quiet, empty room by yourself. You need to be able to be at peace with yourself, you life, and where you want to go. Once you find that peace, you can forgive yourself for any past mistakes, and forgive others.

 

 

 

~dig

I agree with this. Distractions are necessary -especially when you're really depressed- but spending time on your own is vital. If you can't be happy by yourself then it's only a matter of time before the fresh scent of a new relationship fades and you're sent back to step 1.

It's good and necessary to have things to occupy your time with and keep you moving. But I've also read, and feel you can take this too far. If you're going to really learn from this experience, you need to dive into it and really look it in the face. Learn about each emotion and which ones are your sticky points - and figure out why. When you get intimate with the emotions and pain you can start to learn real tactics for not just pushing them into a dark corner, but so you can look at them for what they are and not keep responding by running away from them.

 

About ten years ago, I went through a really nasty BU. It broke me down to my most basic form. I was a lot younger, and had a huge attitude. I was determined that I wasn't going to "deal with this BS". Long story short, that BU haunted me for several years. It was a very long dark period of my life. Now that I'm older and wiser, I see that a big reason I got stuck in post BU depression was because I wasn't actually dealing with anything that had happened. I had learned to fight it off with anger and denial. It took a couple years before I finally sank so low I stopped running, and went into a deep deep sadness. Finally, when I actually sat with the pain and sadness, it softened me to the point where I could open up to learn some of things I needed to learn.

Had a friend of mine tell me the same exact thing... Don't run away from your feelings, you need to make sure you give yourself plenty of time to grieve, to cry, to experience every single emotion. I still haven't been able to cry over what happened, but I feel like one month of not suppressing anything was enough. One can only handle so much depression, especially when you consider the other person is having a dandy time.

The way you eat an elephant? One spoonful at a time.

The way you get over your pain, taking small baby steps each day.

 

The pain of a break up is no different than recovering from an operation on your body. Both take time to heal. You might see the physical wound heal on your body and you might have to retrain yourself how to walk or move that one injured part. Same thing with your mind or heart. You retrain yourself how to think. I am worth being happy. Not the bad mental habits that you are in right after the break up.

 

Be smart... be strong! You can do anything you set your mind to!

Great list... Concentrating on work was hard at first, but meetings and people stopping by my desk for requests help alot. Going to the gym helps.. Watching a comedy movie or show helps too. And any music except Adele.. LOL. I love her voice, but her words haunt me

 

I love this list, especially #4. I have realised that I will never ever be with this person again. And I have to let go.. It's not easy, but I have learned that I just have to let go..

I agree you need to grieve and feel the emotions, I'm not saying don't feel them but some, do it too much so that is is all consuming and that they do not face the world. Thus they do not realise that life still does go on.

 

Wallowing too much is just as damaging as not grieving.

 

Everything in moderation.

The thing is, the reason at the beginning we crave them back, is because even if the relationship was bad, it is familier, it is known. Whereas the future is unknown and that can be scary.

 

The unknown means going outside your comfort zone. But think of a comfort zone of being ten boxes in side each other, you don't have to go straight from box 1 to 10, you take little steps and go through steps (boxes) 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

 

I donno if that makes sense but really the future isn't scary, it just isn't known but that can be inspirational too if you get in the right mind set. Time to do things you've never done before or approach things in a different way than before.

Go out and dance!

Go out and dance!

And that is exactly what I am doing Friday night, really looking forward to it.

Just went for a run, considering I haven't been out in ages I did a really good time - because I used the anger to push myself a bit faster and a bit further.