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Thread: Dealing with a narcissistic ex that I can't forget?

  1. #1
    dream222
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    Dealing with a narcissistic ex that I can't forget?

    I have been reading on the web about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and have found that my ex boyfriend displays almost all the characteristics of it: self-love, inability to care about others, always criticizing others (he's always right, you're always wrong, end of story) no empathy, appearing all confident but deeply insecure inside, has no emotional attachments, always angry, belittling toward others to create "comedy" and make other people laugh.

    I don't really have strong feelings for him anymore, but he is still in my thoughts, in an controlling kind of way. I do not stalk him, in real life or online, but he is still in my mind. I think it is because when we were together he made me feel like I was never good enough and always criticized pretty much everything I did/said. And now I am still trying to sort of gain his approval to just be good enough for him once. I know it sounds disturbing and all sorts of wrong, but please do not judge. I am only like this with him, not with anyone else in this world.

    He keeps checking up on me secretly. He visits my facebook frequently but never writes or anything, and visits my blog at least twice a day (which I can track). The last time we talked it was over email about a week ago (he sent the first email, after a few months of silence) and it ended up in an angry message from him once again saying how I am wrong and he is right and how childish I am etc.

    I have a feeling after this he will never actually initiate any more contact with me, and this may be the end of this story (he is moving away in a few months anyway) and this thought scares me a little. While he has so many problems with his emotions he also has good qualities that I am afraid I will never find in another guy (intelligent, responsible). He is the kind of person who will never reach out to you unless you reach out to him first and made it very clear in this last email that if I want to talk to him I should be the one initiating conversation, if I want to hang out with him I would be the one initiating it etc.

    So how does one deal with this kind of person? Is there any way I can help him out of these issues? Should I try to hang out with him (not as a date) and stay friends with him? I know I'll eventually forget him, and I have no trouble going NC with him, but I don't want it to end that way....If he really doesn't care about me, why does he bother going on my facebook or blog?
    He is 28, I am 21, and I was the longest relationship he has ever had (8 months). Before me he had dated many girls but never had a real relationship with anyone. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thank you all!
    Last edited by dream222; 02-19-2012 at 07:12 PM.

  2. #2
    blueidealist24
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    If he causes you this much grief in the mind, I'd just try to forget about him as much as possible. I don't think narcissists want help with their issues or will accept it. I know people like that and they just say I'm wrong if I try to help them. I cut them off even though it hurts and eventually I forget about what they did or said and am happier for it.

  3. #3
    meoww
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    Is anyone in your immediate family a narcissist by any chance?

    Both my parents are raging narcissists, and I think that's part of why I have attachment issues with these kind of people. I've kind of been conditioned into trying to change people and fix them rather than living my own life. You are not a therapist (at least I don't think it's possible at 21 lol)

    Anyway, having had much experience with this, I would say that it's nearly impossible to reach out to a narcissist in a way that would produce real results or understanding. Even as narcissists get older and people won't put up with them and they lose friends over and over again, they continue to act this way. It's baffling and very heartbreaking to watch but like blue said, they don't want to get help.

    Just be glad that you are not like this, and don't waste too much of your time feeling sorry for your ex. He's somewhat young, and hopefully he'll figure it out with time. It doesn't matter though--narcissists are too toxic to be around.

  4. #4
    dream222
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    I do not think anyone in my family is a narcissist, but I was raised with a strong notion that if you work hard enough you can achieve anything or fix anything. And I believe that is part of why I do not want to simply let this go in peace and move on with my life, though I am sure it will eventually happen.

    I really would like to see this guy happy. I will not let this matter suck the life out of me again (like it did), and I do not want to date him again, but if there is anything I can do to help him, I will do it. (And I think by helping him I would eventually find peace for myself...)

    But how to help, while there is no contact...no clue.

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    duke nukem
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    I think I may be borderline with what he has, because I know that I have a few of those traits, to varying degrees. Right now I'm working on fixing that, not being judgmental, etc. If he's anything like me, you won't be able to fix him. Only he can fix himself, and he has to really want to because it isn't easy, especially the older you get. Really, it rests on his shoulders to work out his faults. You shouldn't feel at fault or responsible, especially if it just wears you out.


    It sucks for me, because before when I wanted to change and even knew how to do it, my ego got in the way and I just couldn't do it. Took my ex ending things for real for me to see this.

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    dream222
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    Thank you duke nukem.
    May I ask what made you decide to change and work on yourself?

  7. #7
    duke nukem
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    Quote Originally Posted by dream222 [Register to see the link]
    Thank you duke nukem.
    May I ask what made you decide to change and work on yourself?
    Yeah, might be a little bit of reading, but here goes...


    When my ex and I broke up it didn't seem like a real break up because we still would hang out and often act like a couple, so obviously to me things weren't much different. About 2 months after we had broken up, she decided that we shouldn't wait to get back together and that we should meet other people. This floored me. I thought that things would be okay, and that we still were as in love with each other as ever. Turns out she just couldn't love me like she did anymore. I didn't know why for about a week. So I looked back at our relationship, and why it failed in the first place. Some things I noticed were that I was always judging people and things, and that my ex would get mad at me for it. But since I would just apologize and things would pretty much go back to normal, I didn't think anything of it. In hindsight, I see that I was indeed arrogant at times, judgmental, all of those things. I saw how this essentially drove my ex into a depression. I resented myself for it. I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me; a relationship with the girl who showed me that love was real (as I didn't believe I would ever fall in love before that).

    I also realized how much I hated the person I was. I wasn't happy with just myself, I would be demeaning to my friends and others. In short, my ex ending things made me realize just how messed up I was. I saw how I treated her and others, and I never wanted to be that person again. I wanted to change for myself so that I would never have to put not only myself, but another person through the anguish that I caused my ex and myself. I guess there was also the small hope that my ex may wish to reconcile in the future if I did change for the better, as she said that she wasn't against the idea. But really, I just don't want to be an * * * * * * * any more. One minute I could be the nicest guy (so I'm told), and the next I'm an arrogant jerk.

    So, to sum it up, losing my ex is what opened my eyes. I wouldn't say I was the worst person ever, but anyone like me, someone who has a large ego and hates being wrong, we don't understand or just can't make ourselves change until something drastic happens. Give us an inch, we'll take a mile.

    Hope that helps a little, I'll reiterate if it's kind of jumbled

  8. #8
    dream222
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    I understand. I am glad you are trying to improve yourself. From what you've written here though you were never a narcissist, just a bit of jerk.

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    duke nukem
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    Quote Originally Posted by dream222 [Register to see the link]
    I understand. I am glad you are trying to improve yourself. From what you've written here though you were never a narcissist, just a bit of jerk.
    Haha well that is very true, but I did have some narcissistic traits, so I feel I did/do have it to an extent. Much of the time I could never be wrong, would judge and put others down to make comedy, didn't always care about other people's feelings, and in the end I was a bit insecure. It was sort of a half and half thing, where half of the time I displayed this and half of the time I was okay. But that still is unacceptable to me, thus why I feel the need to change, and I know for a fact I wouldn't have changed if not for the break up.

  10. #10
    dream222
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    Ahhhh I wish this guy was more like you!

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