" He/She broke up with me OUT OF THE BLUE! ".....really?

I never really understood the phrase, " He/she broke up with me OUT OF THE BLUE! "...because to me, it only takes a bit of careful listening and watching to know that a relationship is ending / dying. Even the most beautiful, passionate relationships that end on a bittersweet note ( where the lovers may still be yearning for each other, deep down inside ) had inevitable signs that led to their ends. However, it depends on the people whether to see those signs...or not.

I have a bestfriend whose "highschool sweetheart marriage" recently broke up. They were always known as the "star couple". Nobody ever expected them to get divorced or end in such a bitter battle....except me. As a person who is standing outside their marriage, I could see things in a much clearer and objective light. From the way he lit up when he talked to other people, other than his wife...to the way he slightly cringed when she would crack a joke in front of people. I saw the way he would skulk off in a family gathering, to be alone, to go unnoticed, as her relatives overhelmed the party. I saw how she looked at him with adoring eyes and hand and foot, ready to serve him. I saw him smiling but his eyes never did. As a person from the outside, I knew that there were signs that their marriage was crumbling but I couldn't bear to tell her bc she wanted to believe that it was still ok.

The thing is, there are signs ( no matter how small ) to a relationship "dying ". Being that I have been in a situation where a relationship died, I am very aware of these signs. For example, when two people have been together for so long that their silence is not really a sign of comfort, but more like fear of speaking out the truth...that they were no longer in love and want to try something new, but both are too afraid to venture out alone. Another sign is when his eyes has stopped crinkling up in smile when he first sees you after a long day or a few hours of being apart. Another sign is when you feel like you are in limbo. It all points to one common thing : THERE IS A SENSE OF DISCONNECTION.

The question is...WHY do we ignore these signs? Women even tend to rationalise the signs ( "Oh, he's stressed about work". " Oh, he's financially strapped and so we can't do all those nice things we used to do when we first met ", or " Oh, he is just too tired " ). If we didn't, could we have saved ourselves from further and harsher heart ache? What other signs have you ignored in your past relationships?

Actually, the signs you list could also mean that the person in question is clinically depressed or stressed out from work or any number of things... People can feel the need to 'pretend' they are OK when they meet outsiders, yet don't need to act like they are not depressed with a spouse who knows the full story.

and plenty of couples are perfectly happy not doing all the dating activities they did when they first met, so that is not necessarily a sign of trouble in itself.

the thing is there is always risk in relationships, and hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to saying 'they should have known'. plenty of couples go thru bad spells and end up being fine and staying together. one can look back and say, of course that meant he wanted out, but that same behavior in someone else might mean they are depressed or stressed at work or whatever, so not a sign of anything. It is easy to try to draw cause/effect relationships when looking back in time or at other people's relationships, but the reality is that sometimes there are lots of signs, sometimes those 'signs' don't have anything to do with the relationship itself, and sometimes people go way underground and hide their feelings until the moment the decide to leave so there are no signs at all and the partner is blindsided.

And one person can feel totally connected and in love while the other person is silently and internally drawing away, and there is nothing the other person can do to stop it (or even know it is happening).

So the focus should be on recognizing that not all relationships work out, and that because there are two people involved, even if you are constantly watching for 'signs' it may make no difference. And if you are constantly 'watching for signs' and overreacting to them, you may put stress on the relationship because you are anxious and always watching for signs it might be failing. The focus should be on trying to live a good life, be respectful and kind and loving and try to create the best feelings you can between the partners. But if you do all that and they still leave and surprise you with it, you shouldn't blame yourself if you didn't see any 'signs' because you were just happily living your life and the other person may has just wanted something different from life than you do.

my brother left his wife after 15 years ...

she was floored ....it brought her to her knees and she said she didn't have any clue ...

I had known for at least 6 years he wasn't happy ..

it makes you wonder !

I'm sorry...I forgot to mention that the person in question has sent the message that he wishes she would find someone else because the marriage was over to him the minute he walked out of the house.

You are correct in stating though that "looking for signs" can put the relationship in stress. However, if the relationship was once extremely happy and now, it is in a state of "limbo" where silence seems to be the norm, that could be a very good sign of it dying.

my brother left his wife after 15 years ...

 

she was floored ....it brought her to her knees and she said she didn't have any clue ...

 

I had known for at least 6 years he wasn't happy ..

 

it makes you wonder !

Did you know your brother was unhappy for 6 years because he TOLD you or you saw how they interracted and clued into the whole truth, by yourself? My point is that if other people can notice, then people inside the relationships are always willing to ignore the signs bc they would rather live a "comfortable lie" than experience the shocking truth ( whether it leads them to good things or bad things ). I think, it's ultimately due to the fear of the unknown.

sorry I had meant to say that ..

yes I only knew because he told me ...we haven't lived in the same city since we we're teens so I

didn't see them interact at all.

he should have been as honest with her as he was with me ....

In the fall, before my bf and I broke up, I "noticed" some distancing. When I asked him if he wanted to be done w/ the relationship, as he seemed to not want to put any effort into it, he firmly stated "not what I want at all." However, me bringing it up brought it to his attention that I wasn't happy ---- and 3 months later he broke up w/ me....due to stress --- not anything wrong w/ the relationship.

Did I see the signs? Yes. And communicated, and talked. And it had no affect. People are going to do what they are going to do --- and sometimes, there really is nothing you can do about it.

I find if there are signs and the relationship is dying but the other person denies there are no problems or refuses to talk about any issues and still tells you they love you it still feels like it came out of the blue because of the deception. Unless you want to come out and state to the person is a liar when they say they are fine. Things should be communicated a lot earlier. It might actually save more relationships than destroy them. The average person can't communicate well when it comes to their feelings...like as if it is some sort of weakness to have a mature conversation about them.

It's much more complicated than you say and the signs you speak of could be for many other reasons other than a relationship not working out long term. All relationships settle down and lose some initial spark than what it was in the beginning. For some couples it's much more than others. Couples go through ups and downs expelling the same signs you speak of but never break up. I have seen first hand people who everyone was sure were going to break up due to the exact signs you speak of and even more obvious ones yet they are still going strong and I've seen a few problem less (with out signs) couples break up due to sudden reasons many of which no one can understand. What you speak of in your example of your friend is a mere coincidence.