"Whom the gods love die young" I've lost... enough of this fool's paradise...

This is the story of my life. It's going to be long and I'm quite sure you won't have enough patience to read it but still... I doing this for myself, I'm doing this because I have to, because I have no one to turn to.

Background story

I'm 27 years old and for some bizarre reason I've always believed that the number "27" will be the last one in my life. Here I am, being 27 and feeling that I've lost my life. I don't know when things started to go wrong. Probably at the end of high school. I wasn't one of those rebellious kids who would try messing with their lives. I never smoked, I didn't get drunk until I went to university. My parents didn't have too much trouble with me (I guess) although I've always had my frustrations. I used to stay at home a lot, play computer games or read books. I wasn't a geek and I wasn't a crammer either. Just a regular kid who fell in love with blues and rock music. I've always been interested in philosophy and existentialism thus I started questioning certain ideas and values pretty early. I would think a lot about god, love and the meaning of life. Back in high-school I didn't enter any important relationships with girls 'cause I was too scared to take any responsibilities. I had my passions, I was a Star Wars nerd and concentrated on things that were not particularly popular among my classmates or friends. Back then I had high hopes that true love would come one day. Then... I went to university and started questioning things even more...

University

I've never been good at math or physics, yet I loved English literature and history. I ended up studying English Philology and had an opportunity to delve a little deeper into philosophy and literature. I don't want to bore you with details but the more I read, the more anxious I was. I remember feeling more and more disappointed with life. I didn't fit in. I didn't like loud clubs with half-naked drunk or wired girls and similar guys trying to use the situation. It's never been my world. I felt bad that I didn't fit. I probably should have come out the shell back then but I didn't. One time, in one of the classes we had a psychological test. I answered some questions and to my surprise I was contacted by one of the teachers. She told me that the results were... well... distressing or alarming. I remember answering to one of the questions: "Yes, I have had thought about suicide" Yet, I ignored that. To cut the long story short, things got a little better when I began a relationship with one of my classmates. We had been friends for 3 years and then something clicked. I was so happy... for a short period of time. Things went astray... we had break-ups and come-backs. My depression got worse, I nearly ended up being run over by a car when that girl told be she was leaving. Then I got her back again, we went to Greece, lived there nearly a year, came back to out country and when I left for Holland to participate in Domino Day (a big TV show taking place annualy) she finally left me forever. I even was dumb enough to risk my job and I flew to see her (which cost me a considerable amount of money as I wasn't thinking clearly) but the relationship was over. Now, she's getting married. I suffered greatly. I couldn't cope with simple things. I went to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. The first one didn't help, the other one gave pills. Lots of them. We would try different meds and at a certain point I felt like I had a huge pharmacy at home. Those meds did help a little but it took me two years to pull myself together and I promised myself that if I ever were to enter another relationship I wouldn't screw up and it would be my last one. Two years of dark thoughts and doubts and lost chances. During that time I had causual relationships, meaningless sexual contacts... I started doing things that were not really my style. I had casual sex in a club or during New Year's Eve party. Those things only made me feel worse. And then...

I met Anna

A beautiful, sexy, wise, organized yet funny girl. I met her on the Internet but it quickly turned out that we had a fair share of things in common. And... I lost her. I did wrong things. I nearly kissed her flatmate. Till this very day I don't know why. She gave me another chance and I blew it 'cause I was/am so damn pessimistic. We came to China together, I talked her into this and we live together in the same apartment. I see her every day and every day I hate myself. She's all I've ever wanted and I can't be with her.

I've lost

I feel I have lost my life. I'm 27 and I have nothing. Yes, I have some savings, some cash aside but I feel aimless. I feel that I can't do anything well. I'm a perfectionist. I've been learning English for so many years, Teaching English As A Second Language was my major and I don't even speak English the way I'd like to. I make mistakes. I can't do anything else, I have no work experience except for teaching. I'm in China now 'cause I couldn't face reality in my own country. I know I have nothing to come back to and I'm not strong enough to make my dreams come true and go to Canada or New Zealand. I've lost. I'm no one and I have achieved nothing. Most of my friends are married, have children and I lost the only girl in my life that truly had made me feel happy.

No future

I can't see any future for myself. I'm all alone now, drinking again, listening to Pink Floyd's "Time" and analysing the lyrics again and again. I used to have hope. I used to believe that I'm good enough to find a girl and make her happy. Some people tell me that I'm smart, that I'm handsome and charming. So what? Apparently that's not enough. All I ever wanted was to lead a simple life... Love was my sense of life. I can't go on, I feel old, I feel I've squandered all my chances and opportunities. I know that my dreams won't come true yet I don't understand why. Why me? I don't have the courage to get back on my feet again and seek help. I just want to leave. You might say that I should seek help again. I'm in China, first of all... and seconldy... I don't believe things can get better. They never did. Never.

Those whom gods love die young

I've always believed that my life will end at the age of 27. Maybe because I've been so obsessed with music? I feel things too intensively... Every sound tears me apart, every memory kills my soul. I don't want to see people leaving or dying. I don't want to feel again being left alone. There was a man in Poland... his name was Tomek Beksinski and he committed suicide. He had had everything. He was a successful translator and radio reporter. But he had no love. I just want to end this whole mess. Some things are unbearable and I don't believe that suicide is wrong. There's no "good" or "wrong" in case of people who can't cope. I don't want to fight with myself anymore but right now I don't have the means to end my life. And I still think a lot about my parents... I've been crying a lot recently and I can feel it coming again. My EX will come home (she's at a party which I didn't want to go to) She used to make herself look pretty for me... I just want to cry and stop the suffering.

You might think it's all because of the break-up... Partly, yes. There must me some kind of way out of here... I'm tired of trying. I know I'm going nowhere and I know that my dreams are not coming true. I skipped lots of things... I wanted to write more but I just can't. I do want to leave forever. I can't feel happines and I can't see any future for myself. I want to die because it's just too much.The end. My only firend, the end... as Jim Morrison would say.

PS. Sorry if I made grammar mistakes.

You've traveled quite a bit and accomplished things most people in the states aspire to but never get to do. Give it some time man you'll be okay, just don't give up

Before you go..

Do you think listening to the blues has made you into the person you were? Also, what kind of books did you like reading in your life?

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

I've been to nearly every country in Europe, I've been to Canada and the US, now I'm in China... but it's all meaningless if I don't have anyone to share happiness with. And like I said... I can't see the future. I wanted so badly to move to Canada or New Zealand but it's impossible probably, at least that's the way I see it. My depression is deeply rooted and my recent break-up only reignited old wounds...

Before you go..

Do you think listening to the blues has made you into the person you were? Also, what kind of books did you like reading in your life?

I wish I could go but I can't. I don't have the stuff that could make me numb forever.

I do believe that music have had a tremendous influence on my personality. How ironic... my dad used to tell me "don't take it too seriusly" when I was a kiddo... I should have listened to him. As for books I've read... the scope is pretty broad... from classics of European and American prose to philosophical works (J.P. Sartre for instance) I do realize I didn't understand many things but I thing the damage was done anyway. Do you know Albert Camus' interpretation of The Myth of Sisyphus? "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro also left its mark on me recently.

I can relate to your romanticism but before you can share happiness with someone, you yourself need to become a stronger person. Falling in love is the easiest thing to do in life however on the flip side keeping that love is the most difficult. The way you write, your depressions, your lack of self worth despite your many accomplishments and experiences, all of this points to one thing, as you are now you aren't in a position to love anyone. Surround yourself with optimism and only allow yourself to see the good in this world, if you focus too much on how ugly everything is it'll just overwhelm you. Use this difficult time in your life as a positive experience to become a stronger and happier man so when you meet the girl that you're going to be with forever, you don't mess it up.

I wish I could go but I can't. I don't have the stuff that could make me numb forever.

 

I do believe that music have had a tremendous influence on my personality. How ironic... my dad used to tell me "don't take it too seriusly" when I was a kiddo... I should have listened to him. As for books I've read... the scope is pretty broad... from classics of European and American prose to philosophical works (J.P. Sartre for instance) I do realize I didn't understand many things but I thing the damage was done anyway. Do you know Albert Camus' interpretation of The Myth of Sisyphus? "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro also left its mark on me recently.

I find that music has a huge influence on moods/feelings. I can think better without it.

I've been trying to get into reading lately but it's hard, as soon as I start a book - my mind starts drifting and I can't keep focused enough. I keep buying all these different books but when it comes down to actually reading them, thats a different story. I have a copy of Nausea by J.P Sartre, waiting to be read but havent got down to it yet. You read that one? Also what about Thus Spoke Zarathustra?

Nope don't know Albert Camus' interpretation of The Myth of Sisyphus.. I just looked it up and it says it's only 120 pages, so maybe I will add it to my book list! Last book I read was 1984 and surprisingly I liked it, although the middle bit was a bit boring, but the beginning and end was good and thought provoking.

Havent read Never let Me Go, but have seen the movie. I found the story a bit creepy. I want to read Remains of the Day by the same Kazuo author.

1 - don't drink when you're feeling down

2 - learn to be happy without a woman

3 - stop trying to be a perfectionist - there's no benefit and all grief

4 - most of us don't have our dreams come true, don't expect them to

5 - lighten up and don't be so dramatic

6 - go read up on buddhism

Suicide is selfish. My uncle hung himself a few months ago. It's crushed my mom and left her with a huge financial mess.

1 - don't drink when you're feeling down

2 - learn to be happy without a woman

3 - stop trying to be a perfectionist - there's no benefit and all grief

4 - most of us don't have our dreams come true, don't expect them to

5 - lighten up and don't be so dramatic

6 - go read up on buddhism

 

 

Suicide is selfish. My uncle hung himself a few months ago. It's crushed my mom and left her with a huge financial mess.

Ad.2 It's hard to feel happy when she comes back from a party and you have this horrible feeling that she has met or done something with someone. It makes you feel sick when she puts her head on a pillow next to you but you feel you can't touch her, cuddle her or do anything whatsoever. I'd like to take all her things and just throw them away, put them behind the door and take her keys to the apartment...

Ad.5 I've been trying to lighten up for the last 6 years or more! How long can one hit the wall? I don't even have my meds here. How can I lighten up if I wake up every day and want to puke? Literally. That's how I feel in the morning. I feel like there's something in my throat, something terribly heavy.

Yes, suicide might be selfish, but aren't we all selfish to a certain degree? How can one keep going if things never work out? If one feels hopeless, meaningless and aimless? Yes, I'd like to live and lead a happy life. There's nothing more I could wish for, but it just doesn't work...

PS. I would never leave my parents in a financial mess. I've saved some money and I want to transfer it all to my parents.

When I read that you teach English as a second language I was envious. I would think that doing that would be so gratifying to you to be performing such a valuable skill to those who so appreciate your efforts. Do you receive any satisfaction from the work that you perform? chi

I hardly do my job. It used to give me some satisfaction... nowadays it's just a job. I never wanted to teach as a matter of fact but I turned out to be quite a good teacher. Students like me but it doesn't cheer me up anymore.

Please, somebody tell me how to deal with myself and my situation... I'm at work now, can't stop thinking. How am I supposed to put a smile on my face? My ex is sitting next to my desk... I want her to disappear... Maybe I should leave this country? But on the other hand it was my idea to come here in the first place..

I'll try one more time... I'll prepare a special dinner for my EX on the Valentine's Day. If she doesn't change her mind... then it's another 2 year's recovery for me... I'll try to hate her, I'll try to get rid of her, maybe even ask her to leave the apartment. I'm not going to be Mr. Nice Guy if she doesn't care about my mental health.

Hey there,

I know my nickname says Mica, but actually my name starts with a Y.

Anyways, as I was reading your post, it felt so familiar. Your feelings. You know, I mean I just can't describe how familiar the feeling was, when I was reading your words.

I was sort of thinking on the bus today. I came up with this theory, which basically is: highly intelligent, curious and emotional/sensitive types of people at times feel/think so much. That the world can become overwhelming, like every touch, every smell, every thought, to us is just so big, so deep it can overwhelm us easily.

In addition to this, because we feel so deeply, it is hard for us to feel a connection with another human being, because most people around us/society dont really feel as deeply/think as deeply.

You mentioned Jim Morrison, who I really like myself, actually, I was watching this documentary on him, and his teachers were saying that there was something different about him when he was younger, he was much more perceptive, extremely deep, and philosophical from a young age (like teens and up).

In addition, I think the deeper you are, the more traumatized you become.... which might also explain the depression (I think as in Jim's case)

Also, Jim did not really relate to his parents, from what I remember he said he had no connection with them (emotional I mean)

So basically, (also according to my psychologist's few) is that you have these by nature, extremely deep, sensitive and highly curious person.

You combine that with parents who do not understand(or do not want to understand) their child, and the child grows up feeling so lost, like what is wrong with me? Why do I feel so empty, so alone, and yet so interested in philosophy, language, the arts, anything complex, etc.

I havent met many people who are like this. So you feel alone, which further increases the depression. Plus trauma (which can be so small- to us it is big though)

But ya, that is just my recent theory. I really do think that Jim was a brilliant, extremely deep, very sensitive human being, to which not many could relate. That is why he felt so alone, plus he had trauma, which was deep since he also did not feel any connection to his family/parents.

Perhaps that is why you can relate to Jim so much, his music, his words, the emotion in his music, his sadness.

But just know that there are others there. Like me! Hehe (Diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as well as at times suicial depression)- Not that fun.

But there are people out there like you, trust me, I feel your pain. Also, it might help to do a program (I am in it now)- It's called DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) Check it out, it might be a little useful?

Thanks Mica,

Wow... You're from Canada. I've always wanted to move there... and I've been there once.

I'm in China right now so any kind of therapy is just impossible due to various reasons... I don't speak Chinese, they don't speak English and what's more people who are sort of mentally unstable are not welcome in this country.

Anyway, thanks for your understanding. I agree with what you've written. I still feel aimless and my future looks like a black hole.

Hey Mesmerized,

I hear ya that in China its difficult to get help, and that people who are mentally unstable are not welcome. The place I was born in (Russia) is also like that.

I just dont get their mentality though, they would rather people be alcoholics and die young than live a happy life and admit their problems and seek help.

Never really understood that, partially cuz I grew up here where there is more mental health awareness and people dont judge as much (although they still a hell of a lot)

Anyways, some people think its a weakness to be depressed or whatever, well I say to them, you can go * * * * yourselves.

In any case, ummm ya, I totally get that ur future seems like a black hole. Dont worry mine does too. So I get you soo much when you say it looks like a black hole. I mean I can't relate more.

Umm I dunno, I just wanted to say though, my hope is this new therapist I am seeing who does psychodynamic therapy. I am still supper supper suspicious and extremely hostile to it, but maybe just maybe it might work? I dunno, I realize its so hard to feel like you are in a black hole and see your future that way. And trust me, I am one of those people that if things dont get better in several years, I think heaven might be a better place.

In any case, before I do commit suicide, I know it sounds super gloomy, but I am sure people can relate; I want to try. I want to try to get better.

Okay this totally isnt making sense. What I mean is, there is always a little hope. I mean what if, through going to therapy, and I mean real therapy where the actual person cares about you, you might just get better? It would be sad, to die, without making that last try to getting better.

I mean I am really just telling you my side of the story, wouldnt it be a pity to have died without trying a little bit in therapy, to get better? The reason I am talking about therapy, is because there have been people that have gotten much better, they have come out of the darkness, not right away, but gradually and started to feel happier through therapy.

So, why not try first, try before you finally decide. I mean, that is what I am doing, and I was diagnosed with BPD which has like a 10% successful suicide rate.

Anyways, my recommendation to you is perhaps you might be interested to read this book, which is what gives me alittle bit of hope, and look up some videos of this lady:

Book: Get me out of here: my recovery from borderline personality disorder and

Lady who was also suicidal and got out of her depression after several years of therapy: A.J Mahari

Anyways, there is not much else I wanted to say, except that....... I know truly truly truly how you feel. The deep hole, the darkness, the world closing in on you and feeling completely and totally helpless, like you dont exist even.

So perhaps knowing that there is someone out there with the same feelings can help? I mean even if it's just a teeny tiny bit.

and also that book and that lady, who I listen to all the time, maybe you might find it a little helpful.

Oh and we can always chat as well if you like, im not saying that for pity, but for actually just chatting and stuff... cuz I know it helps a little bit if you talk to someone with similar stuff, I guess cuz of the connection, I dunno?

Anyways byez for now

Thanks Mica for a long post.

I don't have much to say right now... I feel how hopeless and meaningless my silly damn life is. I believe that there's always been something wrong with me. What makes me angry is that I can't just shut myself down... even though I'd like to. We aren't free. I want to get out of this cage. What's the point anyway? Why do you people want to live so badly? There's no point. No point at all.

My therapist dude said that when you feel there is something wrong with you, it might be because u were abandoned as a kid (emotionally or physically) or grew up in abusive (including neglect) home.

I know most therapists are complete douch bags, but maybe one that cares about you, and understands why you feel this week and believes you can get better will help.

I mean I hate therapists, but im seeing this one dude now, and I havent quit yet although he pisses the living * * * * out of me sometimes.

Maybe you could try that before all else fails?

Just know that ur not alone in this, I think it helps a little there are others out there like you, feeling the same way as you, that you are not abnormal, you are a human being, with real struggles. Maybe someone can help you. a therapist (I know sounds super corny) but might as well try for a little bit?

hope you have an okay night,

-Y

Believe me Mica. I have tried. I have. For the last 6 years I've been trying to help myself in one way or another. I'm damn tired of this.

Wow. You're so talented, experienced, and lucky You probably don't believe me, but some of the stuff you said makes me really jealous. How could you possibly think that you haven't accomplished anything?

I wish I could talk you out of these dark feelings or make you feel better, but I don't really know what to say.

I really hope that you let your perfectionist attitude go one day.. being a perfectionist really isn't a good thing. When you do this, life will be so much easier, and smaller things won't get to you as much. It'll be like a weight lifted off of your shoulders. Also, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to women. You just need to get out there more, and you'll definitely find a woman; and judging from what you've said about yourself, probably much easier than other men.

You're smart, handsome, cultured, dedicated (flew accross the world to try to save a relationship) VERY intelligent, and you seem like you have a nice and chill attitude. Stop worrying please!!

Thanks Obviously for your kind words. Maybe I have accomplished something, yet I've lost even more. I've always listened to other people and their it's-going-to-be-better-words of comfort and it didn't work... at all. They're not the ones who suffer every day. I don't see any perspectives for the future. Sure, suicide might me egoistic but after all... shouldn't we do everything that possibly works to make us happy? Whatever it takes? Some people are lucky enough to find their purpose in life, to find somebody to love. To love and be loved in return that's the greatest mikracle that can happen to us... because happiness in never real unless it's shared. I had many dreams, I wanted to travel to Canada or New Zealand and start a new life there but I somehow can't do that. I'm weak. I've always been. My pathetic little life. I don't understand the point of life. I believe there's no point. We're thrown into this world merely because our parents wanted to have children. This place is hell. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be here. I want to be in control of my own life. It's hard to get sleeping pills if you don't have a good reason. There must be a way though. There has to be. I'm so determined to finish this whole mess but I don't have the means right now. I feel like I'm sitting in a cage and I can't do anything. I'm between life and death. Mentally I'm dead but my body is a properly working machine. How can one live if one is already dead?

I've failed my girlfriend. She lost her feelings for me and her trust. I want to be free. I want to end everything not because I don't want to live but because I don't want to feel this way anymore. 6 years is such a long time... Depression is like cancer. It'll destroy you step by step and show no mercy and sometimes it can't be cured. If people die of cancer then... why can't they die of depression?

hmm sometimes I wonder why we cant.

Suicide is always an option. part of the reason we want it, like u said is because you do not want to feel the pain anymore. Depression really does suck, and it is a disease, I personally believe it is worst than cancer.

Just so u know though, depression can be cured. According to my therapist dude it is a freezing reaction we learned when we were little (mainly due to our parents leaving us), so we felt so helpless and scared because we were little babies and went into a freezing reaction.

There is nothing wrong with you mesmerized. A lot of the feelings you have now are due to the past. You experienced trauma and that is why you feel this way. There isn't wrong with you. Its just that trauma can continue to effect us and haunt us in so many ways, it makes us feel unlovable and ugly, and not worth living, etc and not wanting to live because of the pain.

But, you have pain inside. Very much. You say you are dead, but you might not be. You are writing here to us. There is a bit of hope left in you I believe, as there are in every one of us, before we do the final act. Usually people who commit suicide send many signals out. A cry for help.

You see wut happens, atleast wut happened to me, is that I felt dead, and still sometimes do, because I am so out of touch with my feelings, and so scared of them most importantly. It's like when ur heart has been broken (early trauma) you become dead. But really there is a lot of pain deep inside you, that with the right professional, you can let it out. It will take time.... lots of time. But imagine, little by little, the depression fades.

I think it is really important to find a therapist that understands that this feeling of deep hopelessness, and depression, wanting to die, is not about now. It is feelings that are coming up from your past. That this is trauma, and trauma affects us deeply. People who feel dead inside, and want to die, they were hurt so deeply inside.

I also recommend some links by a.j mahari, I know you said you tried to help yourself these past 6 years, but maybe u could check her out, like not now? but when you want to.

Also, perhaps you could try finding a therapist like in the book "Get me out of here"- Rachel Reiland. This book is based on a true story, about a girl who was anorexic and suicidal, but this therapist helped her tremendously.

Like I mentioned to you, I am writing to you as a person who would (and still ocassioally does) think about suicide all the time. Just try to understand, that this thought is just coming from the pain that you are experiencing inside (which can be worked out with a therapist over time). Also try to understand you are safe right now. The feelings you are experiencing (of depression, deep hopelessness, loss of control, and unworthiness) is from the feelings you felt as a little baby and had to block out.

These feelings are coming up in your every day life, but you can be in charge of them.

DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy) also helps a lot with just managing your emotions, and understanding that they are not dangerous, although they feel like it.

Anyways, I hope you won't get upset by what I said, like I said before, I just wanted to let you know what I went through, and how it might help you too, maybe not right now, but later, if you want to.

I want to make my life black or white now. Some people told me that there's a drug in the US called Niquo (not sure about the spelling) and it's for insomnia. I'm going to try to get it. I've never before been so sure about what I want to do. Before I started dating my EX-GF I had made a promise to myself that if I screw things up again I'll end this whole mess. And I screwed up. I lost her trust, forever. Now, you could say: "hey, learn from your mistakes and try to make things right with the next girl" Nope. There will be no next one.

I think that some people commit suicide sort of unconsciously... I, on the other hand, am convinced that it's a good way. I personally believe that people should have choice. Yes, I'm writing here, on this forum because it helps me vent my emotions... but somewhere in the back of my mind I feel that my life is coming to an end. I'm not sure when it's going to end but probably sooner than later. I've had this crazy idea since forever... I remember being 22 and I remember being absolutely certain that I would die by the age of 30.

Besides, if I can't maintain a relationship with a woman I love, what's the point? Apparently I'm not good enough. Not in therms of appearance or intelligence, those are OK... but in terms of my emotions and psychic. If nothing has changed during those 6 or 7 years, it's unlikely to change soon and I don't want to wait forever. I don't want to live in a fool's paradise. I just don't feel like trying again.

Like I said before, there was a man in my country. A very popular and respected journalist and writer... he had absolutely everything exept for true love and stable mental health. He'd been trying to kill himself 2 o3 times... and he finally did because he saw no point. Neither professional support, nor his family's support saved his life. People die... it's sad but that's what they do. Too bad it's not up to me entirely because I can't just switch myself off, first I need to find a 100% method to annihilate myself.

I wish somebody could hand me some pills or at least tell me where I can get any... but everybody is so damn convinced that to live is better than to die... everybody is so sure that they're right but the truth is that there's no good or bad side of this It's not a matter of the right or bad choice. It's what I want should matter at this point. It's me and my brain that's not functioning and it shoud be up to me to decide.

Anyway, I DO appreciate your time, thoughts, insights and being here for me.

PS. After all we're just bricks in the wall, aren't we?

hmm why you say that?

Your right, it is up to you. That is for sure. However, I just wanted to let you know that in my situation, I wanted to kill myself so many times, and I thought it would be better if I died, and I really did not think things would get better.

But they did get better, and they keep getting ever so slightly better, maybe snail pace, but still, because therapy can help you. I am glad I did not kill myself those times, and I didn't mainly because I watched videos of people who were in similar situations and who said things will get better. Usually there is some emotional wound from the past, or some kind of deep pain that wants to be let out that makes people think of dying or do it. Often, there are many distortions that can be in a person's mind, but they are just that, distortions, which with time can be changed. again, I mention therapy because I know it's what partially saved me from dying in a very violent way.

In any case, any type of change is hard, it really is, its excruciating. But will most likely be a happy person after.

You most likely will not believe it now, but most suicidal thoughts are just temporary, and is emotional pain. It can be healed. It's very important to find a professional who can care deeply about you though in order for that to happen.

And I understand you mentioned that man with everything but stable mental health and true love. But many many many many people are in the same situation as that man. Humans struggle, and I would say the majority of people have mental health problems. Both of these those you can achieve (mental health and true love)- it might take time though, and radical acceptance of where you are at now. I find that this skill RADICAL ACCEPTANCE OF where you are at the moment (whether good or bad or in between) is very useful.

Also, stable mental health and true love are things you can achieve mesmerized, but with time. Sometimes the greatest things in life take time to achieve, hard work, effort, patience. But in the end, you can be so happy, with the girl you love and love for yourself or atleast forgiveness.

Anyways, I just want you to know that there are people who care about you, and also understand, I think I understand your pain.

I really do hope that you will still have a little bit of hope to not give up, because I know for me, I am happy I had a little bit, since things did change for the better a little bit, as terribly painful as it still is.

I also just want to know that I care and hope that you can get through this. Thx

-Y