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why do men on online dating sites do this?


ut804

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Here we go with another rant of my online dating experiences, was hoping to get some answers or persepctives.

 

1. Why do people respond to messages with one sentence? I will write a paragraph and they respond with one sentence (usually something about themselves and don't even ask me any questions). I mean why bother at all to respond? Has anyone done this and can explain it to me? And most of the time they are the ones to message me first, not like I'm chasing after them. I mean if they are no longer interested then why respond back with anything??

 

2. Why all the hate? One guy said I was hot but could gain 10 lbs. Another incident was when I have my age limit stated on my profile. One guy was above my age limit and sent me a message saying "I know I am above your age limit, I am just sending you this to annoy you." Another first message: "You're pretty but you are wearing ballet flats in your photo. That's not sexy. Can you send me a picture of you barefoot?"

Then, if I ignore a message sometimes they don't give up. And sometimes they get really nasty. I do nothing to deserve this, why do they send me messages with all this hate and attacking me? Is it just a joke to some?

 

3. Why do they ignore my dealbreakers? I will say several times I am looking for a serious relationship. Time after time I get men who say on their profiles they are only looking for a hook-up. I even say in my profile "Please only message me if you are looking for a serious relationship, not a hook-up". That doesn't work either. How much clearer could I be?

 

It's almost like if I state what I want, guys who do not meet my criteria will message me just to annoy me!

 

4. Why do men have such well-written profiles that sound so mature and serious, saying how they are looking for a meaningful relationship and they are hard-working, gentleman, etc. and then go and message me with something so stupid like "hey sexii!!! heres my number....." ??

 

I know you will all say "just ignore them, they are immature". But I really want to know *why* and get deeper into it, like if anyone here has done this and can explain why. Maybe I should just give up on this online dating, nothing but freaks and jerks on these sites.

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Men who aren't successful in meeting woman in real life flock to dating sites. Also since it's the internet most are a lot bolder.

 

I agree with this totally. I had some AWFUL online dating experiences. One guy told me that so few women respond to him that he messages everyone he can just to try to get a response. I know it's hard, but please try not to take it personally. I think online dating is just such an awful experience that it makes so many people bitter and vindictive, so they just lash out at random other people on the site.

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1- It could be the guy that you responded to has many options, so he has to rush through messages. Sometimes, someone will send me a long message about my interests and i sometimes i think about responding just for conversation, but on a dating site thats a waste of time for me and them if i am not that interested.

 

2- Lol, thats their "game". They try to tease you expecting you to send an "lol". They are trying to humor you. I did this for a while, because in person i always have them laughing, but online, you cant judge the response or body-language, so i stopped this. Others are trying to send you "negatives", making themselves look better in hopes you might chase a challenge... this isnt effective online either (imo). Girls do both to me, i got one that said, "hey, your skinny... you should work out" or "so you think your hot?"

 

3- Some guys put hook up so they dont seem desperate. Some men just dont care, i get messages for sexual encounters and it says clear as day in my profile and my info section that I want a relationship.

 

4- Lol, thats another one of their games. They want you to message them- its all show.

 

All of these things i have experienced as a man with women... just the same.

 

I dont do any of this. I know this might be their intentions because i also frequent attraction forums, and they all try this angle (which i think isnt as effective online considering i had a lot of dates on the old myspace that didnt include any of that).

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I tried online dating a few years ago after a rough breakup. I also had horrible experiences with immature women. Probably one much smaller scale than you since I am a guy, and Im sure us guys outnumber females. One actually left in the middle of a date and stood me up. I called just to see if she was ok and then days later she texted me to see what i was doing. I replied "please dont text or call me". I should have been mad anyways she put up some very deceiving pictures. I am not all about looks but I do need to be attracted to the individual.

Maybe try pay sites they could have people that are more serious and have similar desires as you. I gave up on it after two girls that I met.

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Perhaps you may consider that many of us men have a short attention span!

BUT...

Also in our world of the quick and being more blunt we are looking for more instant gradification... like a fast food burger insead of a 3 course sit down dinner! lol.

 

Perhaps you may want to consider asking open ended questions in order to get them to reveal more. AND you may consider a quick telephone call to quickly weed people out. Any fool can regurgitate a few good responses in a text or email. But, a telephone can can tell you a LOT more! (Can they speak. Are they smart...funny..what ever.) And then a final screening in person face to face can tell even more.

 

Men are easy...I know....I am one!!

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Thank you, that gave me some understanding.

 

Maybe I also get offended too easily. But I always put in some effort when I like someone, and if I send out a first message I always make it nice and thoughtful, nothing weird. I just wish people wouldn't make it so complicated or awkward. I am a straightforward an honest person. I like decent and "normal" conversations. And I will get flooded with messages sometimes, even then I'll find the time to make a decent length message and ask questions about the other person.

 

Stickman,

But I get frustrated when it goes something like this:

 

Me: "Hey I like your profile, we seem to have a lot in common. So what do you like to do in your free time since your profile doesn't say?" (open-ended question)

 

Him: "sports, stuff like that"

 

 

I mean c'mon!!!

 

Also, I have tried the paid sites and they are not much different. The example I used of the man sending me a message to annoy me because he was over my age limit was from a paid site.

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I think you're relying too heavily on the online part. Use the online part only as a way to get your foot in the door and if no phone numbers are given or exchanged after two emails, move on. The online part should be a blip on the radar if that. As far as the jerky comments it's the same as jerky comments on the street ,catcalls, etc. - just keep walking along and singing your song, to quote my son's favorite children's book.

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I think you're relying too heavily on the online part. Use the online part only as a way to get your foot in the door and if no phone numbers are given or exchanged after two emails, move on. The online part should be a blip on the radar if that. As far as the jerky comments it's the same as jerky comments on the street ,catcalls, etc. - just keep walking along and singing your song, to quote my son's favorite children's book.

 

Good advice (as always, I appreciate you always helping me out ) But a lot of what I'm complaing about is the first 1-2 messages. I don't even talk to most of these men, it's just messages that I receive and don't respond to, and with the men who give me a one sentence reply I don't even bother with them anymore. But my mom said the same, that before I meet anyone I should talk on the phone with them first.

I'm just always disappointed. I'll get all excited getting messages and it turns out to be all junk. blah. Everyone says I should just give up on online dating. But it's the way I meet guys the most, there's really no one at work and I don't like the idea of meeting men at bars. Actually I have met a few men the natural way but no one im interested in.

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I agree with this totally. I had some AWFUL online dating experiences. One guy told me that so few women respond to him that he messages everyone he can just to try to get a response. I know it's hard, but please try not to take it personally. I think online dating is just such an awful experience that it makes so many people bitter and vindictive, so they just lash out at random other people on the site.

 

It's turning me bitter, in fact I am getting scared of turning into one of those bitter people. Sometimes i need a break from it. I don't even read most of my messages, I'll just view the profile and if I don't like it I won't even read the message. But even though I am frustrated, I would NEVER hate on innocent people who didn't hurt me. Don't take out your anger on innocent people!

 

As for the guy you know, that's horrible. So he's messaging people he doesn't even like??? That's selfish. I mean what if one of these women responded to him and he didn't like her. So that's just wasting the women's time and flooding their inboxes with spam.

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I completely understand. I specifically put on my profile that I wouldn't respond to deal-breakers and non-personalized messages and it's all I get xD And from guys who put me in their favourites. So they should have read my profile right? I just want to send them a message asking if they actually read what I wrote. Also what I don't like are the messages they send to everyone else saying things like "Hello ladies! If you're looking for a ... man, I'm the right person for you!".. So desperate that they don't even look at whom they're sending messages to. I wouldn't say that online dating is the best but it definitely is the "easiest" even if full of people looking for one night stands...

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I completely understand. I specifically put on my profile that I wouldn't respond to deal-breakers and non-personalized messages and it's all I get xD And from guys who put me in their favourites. So they should have read my profile right? I just want to send them a message asking if they actually read what I wrote. Also what I don't like are the messages they send to everyone else saying things like "Hello ladies! If you're looking for a ... man, I'm the right person for you!".. So desperate that they don't even look at whom they're sending messages to. I wouldn't say that online dating is the best but it definitely is the "easiest" even if full of people looking for one night stands...

 

lol thats what I'm saying. I mean do they just not read it or do they do it out of spite? Like when I had my age limit put down I had that guy messaging me saying "I know I am above your age limit, I am just sending you this to annoy you". I mean why??

 

I say I want a serious relationship, I get men looking for hook-ups.

I say I want a college educated guy, I get men who are high school drop-outs.

I say I am looking for a mature guy, I get immature men.

I say I am looking for someone who lives in my area, I get men from out of state.

I say I don't like men who play mind games, I get men who play mind games.

 

 

I mean...?????

 

And I am wondering if these are the same men who complain that they send out 15 messages and not one girl responds??

 

seriously?? lol

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EXACTLY!! I'm laughing so hard at the moment XD Maybe they just don't want to take the time to write something clever and copy/paste to every person they like. "Wat's up?", "Hey gorgeous wanna chat?" and "This is my number give me a call" work for everyone and it takes 10 seconds to copy, paste and send.. And on the other hand, I looked through loads of new people on the website and sent personalized messages to all of them, nice ones, with open questions, etc. and got one answer. And when I said I was out of the country for a year he stopped answering xD I think people on these sites just hope they're going to find someone fast and easy and don't bother being polite (not one of the messages I have in my inbox has a "hello", "have a good day" or anything like that) or interested in the personality of the people they're sending messages to.

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That's the problem - that you're getting expectations about strangers on a dating site who type something to you. I think you should give up those expectations and that mindset about meeting men through on line dating sites and once you do it will be a lot easier. I would also try other activities, volunteer work, swing dance lessons,etc to try and meet men.

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You're not getting any of these men -these are strangers who are typing a message to you -that's all - often they are not reading what you write -they like your photo and they write. Perhaps they consider themselves to be mature, perhaps they don't feel they play games, etc etc. - in any event - you're overdramatizing what is happening here. Just swat them away (silently) like flies on a wall and forget about them as quickly. If he is not what you're looking for don't respond - if he continues to write you can write "thank you for contacting me but I don't think we have enough in common -all the best to you".

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As for the guy you know, that's horrible. So he's messaging people he doesn't even like??? That's selfish. I mean what if one of these women responded to him and he didn't like her. So that's just wasting the women's time and flooding their inboxes with spam.

 

Yeah, I was super annoyed with that guy. I have to admit, I got quite a bit of satisfaction in getting to turn him down for a second date after that, haha. What a waste of everyone's time that kind of stuff is!

 

You might try going to events through link removed or something like that to meet people? I've had good luck meeting people that way.

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Some of them are just playing around and not serious. Others may be jaded or had so little success that they have completely lost it... and don't bother trying anymore.

 

I haven't had any success on online dating sites, but I still make an effort if the message is genuine and I liked their profile. As it is a numbers game, there are times when I wonder if it will be worth it?

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thanks all.

 

I know there are a lot of jaded men. But putting in no effort isn't going to solve anything. I hate the "what up" messages. I understand that a lot of time people don't respond, but then again by putting in no effort no one will respond either. And by messages girls that are not their type, that won't get them anywhere either.

 

Maybe people are too lazy and impatient. You don't have to message 100 girls just in hopes of getting a response. Send out only 1-2 messages to girls that you actually have things in common with!!! Sure it may take longer to meet someone but enough with the wasting of time.

 

I do my own searches at times. No way do I send out 100 messages! I'll be lucky if I find *one* guy I like. And that one guy must be attractive in my eyes and we must appear to be a good match and have things in common. Of course he may not respond, and thats okay if he doesn't like me. But I won't ever message someone who I have nothing in common with. And I make sure to put in *some* efffort to the first message. I'm not saying I write a 5 page essay, but something short and meaningful. I also make sure to read the entire profile.

 

I guess for many it's quantity over quality. Oh well.

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I contacted many men and many contacted me. Can you do baby steps to thicken that skin of yours? It shouldn't even be a blip on the radar -keep your eyes on the prize and these minor annoyances will be more than worth it.

 

I try. I've just been through so much over the years, you would think that I would have thick skin by now? I don't know, maybe I'm just a sensitive person and every little thing gets to me. I am trying to fix that, to ignore immature men. I didn't develop thick skin, I just get further and further irritated. I guess it's like someone poking you. Instead of getting used to it, I just get further and further mad until I scream.

 

I think I just need to accept that bad things will always happen, I just have to do my best to keep moving forward and do the best I can to ignore it. I need to have the "it's them, not me" attitude because I always think I must do something wrong to deserve this. But it seems like other people go thru what i go thru, so maybe it's not me.

 

I'll try and do my best to ignore immature people.

 

thanks

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I dont bother with online anymore, its annoying.

 

I do understand your frustration with their lack of focus, but thats the nature of the environment for some of them. There was this one girl who was messaging me, telling by her looks it would be no surprise that her inbox would be flooded, but she continued constant contact with me, i asked her what her interests were, she responded with "i have a lot" then i asked, "name some, i want to know more about you..."- and that was the end. Really, no effort to think, lol? And she started messaging me and found me.

 

Some profiles are just annoying. There was this one girl i liked due to looks (she had no info on her page), so i wanted to send a message. It said, "user xxx put restriction on short messages"- thats fine, but she had no information on her profile. I am supposed to analyze her pictures, or comment on her height for 4 sentences to message this one?

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You're only 25. I did personal ads for several years and then did on line stuff for approximately 4 years on and off, plus went on many many blind dates and was constantly out there looking for a husband when I wasn't involved in a serious relationship. Sure I met my share of jerks but one reason things worked when I reconnected with my now husband was because even after 24 years of dating and being involved in relationships that didn't work out I refused to be jaded or cynical or have pity parties about how much I'd been through with "men". What's the point? Think long and hard about whether marriage or a long term serious relationship is really what you want and if it is then you have to work harder on ignoring these annoyances because the negativity will be what shines through when you meet people (or even before you meet) and that's a real turn off to most people. You can do it!

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Yes, thank you. I am trying not become one of those negative people! I know when I see someone who complains all the time and is so negative I think "ugh.. I don't want to be around that person". I know that's how I must come accross on here, because all my threads are about me complaining about something. I shouldn't let it destroy me. I'm not naturally like that, just been through a lot. I need to have hope that one day I'll find someone again and this time it will work, that I just need to be patient. And one day I'll delete that account because I'll have an amazing man I hope so.

 

And looking back, it really truly is a blessing in disguise. Like with my bipolar ex, that's actually great he left me. He did me a favor. I am no longer crying and wondering why he isn't answering his phone. I am free to find someone better. This rejection was God's protection. Maybe God has someone better for e and everything happens for a reason. Maybe I should be happy to look forward to the newness and excitement of a new relationship.

 

So I know I may complain a lot at times, but I am working on being more resilient and not giving up. I'm still trying. I'm not sitting around crying, I'm actually talking to 3 men at the moment so we'll see.

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