Hubby and I, it turns out, don't agree on much regarding our baby.

Hi all - I'm new here, and need some unbiased opinions. Brutal honesty is welcome.

My husband and I have a seven-week-old daughter. We've been married for about 6.5 months. Yeah, we didn't waste any time. We were friends for a short time, began dating, got pregnant four months after that, and the rest is history.

Realizing now that perhaps we moved too quickly, and that I probably should have found out some things before tying the knot and having a baby with this guy. It's really nothing serious - he isn't a criminal or druggie, or abusive. In fact, he takes good care of me. But when it comes to things regarding our baby, we aren't seeing eye to eye. While that isn't the issue - I never expected that we'd agree on everything - his stubbornness and unwillingness to compromise, or even take my feelings into consideration, is. I've suggested counseling, thinking maybe a professional could help him to see that his stringent ways are not going to bode well for us, and he told me that therapy would be "about as much fun as having cancer." Um, what??

He is VERY close with his family, and while I respect that, and actually admire that he cares so much, I am finding that this is what is causing a lot of headbutting.

Some things we have fought about:

- I wanted some alone time with him and our baby after her birth. I didn't get it because his entire family came into the room. His young niece and nephew were the first two people to hold her - something else I was funny about. Then everyone played Pass the Baby for an hour. The next morning he told me his mom was coming back and bringing the niece and nephew. How about asking your wife, who just gave birth and tore and hemorrhaged, how she feels about visitors? He got mad when I told him to call back and tell his mom I needed a nap. Then his dad showed up unannounced, even though he knew I wasn't feeling well, and acted like a baby after he realized I wasn't happy about it.

- His parents are elderly, and his mom watches niece and nephew. There have been some incidents where she has not been paying close enough attention and the kids have gotten hurt. In one instance, she let go of niece's stroller and it rolled down the sloped road and she landed on her face in a drainage ditch. Because of these things I told hubby I don't know how I feel about her babysitting. He claims that since she's the baby's grandmother she is "entitled" to this PRIVILEGE.

- Speaking of babysitting, I am a first-time mom and a wee bit protective. I told him the first person I will allow to watch my baby is my mom. He said, "or MY mom." I said no, MY mom. She is, after all, MY mother and I'M the one with the anxiety, not him. I've only known his parents for a year. He got mad at me because I'd rather have my mom watch her initially.

- He is already talking about leaving the baby (seven weeks old!) overnight with his parents so we can go out. His mom emailed me and told me - not offered, but told me - that she will take our baby overnight so we can go to this concert she knew we were invited to by a friend who's in the band. It surprised me that she had planned this whole thing out and then TOLD me she would be watching my daughter. I replied no thank you. I'm not going to the show. And Baby will not have overnights until she is at least in preschool. Hubby got mad at me for this. He feels it is "crucial" to her relationship with them that she have overnights this early. I bottle feed, but still think it's ludicrous. I am not leaving my infant daughter with anyone overnight. Not even grandparents. We can have date nights without taking her accross town (they're 30 min away) and LEAVING her there.

Hubby's parents are as I said considerably older, and he likes to throw this in my face. "They'll die before YOUR parents." He thinks this entitles them to preferential treatment. We see the grandparents once a week - they each have a "day" (hubby's idea) that we all know is for them to have their special time with the baby. He recently told me his parents want to come over every day and he feels they should be able to since "they're going to die way before your parents will." Sorry, I'm a stay at home mom and I'm not going to have visitors every single day. Yes, I consider grandparents to be visitors. I would lose my mind, especially since his mom grabs my baby out of my arms without asking and when she isn't holding her, she follows whoever is (usually me) all around the house, even standing right next to me while I change her, and practically sitting in my lap when I am feeding her (sometimes I let her feed her, but other times, I want to).

Hubby thinks this is all totally ok, because "she's just excited." Well, our baby is MY mom's FIRST grandbaby and even she doesn't act that way!

How do I handle this? Is this just something I need to live with because I jumped into it so soon? Do I have ANY right to be so ticked about these things?

Thanks in advance.

I think you are completely wrong. He is not the one giving preference to his mother but you to yours. I think your behaviour is outrageous and insulting to his mother. How dare you assert the right to veto his mother babysitting. You have zero right to do that.

I can see why your angry over the issues with after the birth and the visitors.

But I kind of think you are being overprotective because she is your first baby, and you want the best for her, but you need to be fair, she's as much his parents grandaughter as much as she is your parents. Just because you havent known them that long doesnt mean they can't babysit? They are still her grandparents.

I think you both need to make a lot of compromises. The way your coming acrross is like they have no right and shes YOUR baby, no, shes yours and your husbands baby and they have right to her too.

I've suggested counseling, thinking maybe a professional could help him to see that his stringent ways are not going to bode well for us, and he told me that therapy would be "about as much fun as having cancer." Um, what??

This is weird; why would he say that about therapy? Counseling can work wonders! (If you have the right counselor, that is. I've been seeing counselors since the age of 16, and only a select few have genuinely helped me. Be sure to try a few before sticking to one for the long run.) It sounds like he may think that only "coo-coo" people see therapists, which, of course, isn't true at all. (My mom had that same misconception, but she has since come around.) Explain to him that everyone seeks help at some point; be it asking a family member for advice, a forum like Enotalone, writing to Dear Abby, etc.

Maybe even show him what you've typed here and say flat-out, "I mean, just look at this. We need help, and I'm finding a couselor! I'll let you know when the first appointment is."

Hang in there.

I also want to say I think counselling IS the best option to help you both see eachothers sides of the argument.

Just wondering if his family is hillbilly?

I think it is nice they want to watch the baby and so many want to be involved. Some families don't want to do that at all.

Is there a reason why you don't want his parents to watch the baby?

I would let them for a couple hours and just see how it goes.

I agree with what DN said.

You're the one who's not taking his feelings into consideration. You do realize that things will happen regardless of who is babysitting right? What if something accidentally happens (which it will) while YOU are watching the baby. Does that mean you shouldn't have the right to take care of your own child? Stop being so selfish and paranoid. Your way of thinking is going to cause a lot tension between the families.

I think his he and his mother should be more respectful of your decisions.

I think an overnight stay is ludicrous considering she is so young-way too risky-how could you possibly enjoy a night out. The GM is doing it for herself , not for you.

How old is th GM? The stroller incident is not one to be dismissed lightly .

I also think once a week with baby is more than generous - at this stage.

It is a shame the days after the birth were spoilt for you in such a way.

Having said all this , it is great the baby is so Loved - hopefully in time your husband will help a little more in aiding his mother to understand where you are at , at the moment.

Always trust your own instinct and if it is a little clouded by being overprotective ( i dont think you are ) then this it is better , than allowing your instinct to be dominated by other people's wishes.

I think you are completely wrong. He is not the one giving preference to his mother but you to yours. I think your behaviour is outrageous and insulting to his mother. How dare you assert the right to veto his mother babysitting. You have zero right to do that.

I agree with this. You do not appear to be giving your husband any say on parenting. You state that you told him that your mother would be the first the to watch your child, and all he said was "or my mom" and you appear to have lashed out on him. Being a parent is VERY difficult and can really strain even a very strong marriage. I think you need to calm down and take into consideration what your husband is saying without lashing out.

I am the mom of a 10 month old son and I am expecting a daughter in April. Every time I get annoyed with my mother in law (who is also elderly, but watches my son and loves every second of it) I remind myself that one day my son will grow up and get married and I will be a mother in law. Just food for thought.

Thanks to everyone for the responses.

I don't really get why me wanting my mom to watch my baby before others do is so outrageous and wrong. That was, in fact, suggested to me by my brother in law's wife, whose kids are the ones my mother in law currently watches. I have known my mom my whole life. I've only known his parents for a little over a year. I have the anxiety, not him. I bounced this off of several friends of mine who have kids and they all thought it was a good way to start out. Eventually, I will feel ok with several different people watching her, but this is just a way to make the first couple times I leave her easier. I'm a little weirded out that I'm being called selfish and paranoid - my mother in law has demonstrated on numerous occasions that she does not pay close enough attention while watching small children. There are other examples of the kids getting hurt, that I left out because I didn't want my post to turn into a novel. It really bothers me that she let go of my niece's stroller and allowed her to roll down the street and crash into a ditch. I understand that kids get hurt and that's unavoidable, but THIS situation as well as the ones I didn't mention (maybe I should mention those?) were very avoidable.

I'm not going to apologize for being so protective - this is my first baby. I have tried to compromise with my husband, telling him that as far as "babysitting" goes maybe my mother in law can occasionally watch her WHILE I'm in the house and cleaning etc. That way I'm always fairly close. She is 80. Her husband is 72 and diabetic and doesn't take care of himself. In addition, she frequently disregards the rules the kids' mom lays down - they are vegetarians and she doesn't want her kids to ever eat beef. Mother in law gives them beef because she thinks vegetarianism is "silly" and bribes the kids with toys and candy so they don't "tattle" on her to their parents. This also bothers me.

I know someday I may be a mother in law too. Some things, I can overlook. Not these things. And the fact that my husband and I can't even TALK intelligently about them is the biggest problem. He won't even listen to my concerns. It's not like I said, "Your mom is NOT watching my baby!" I approached him very delicately. He immediately flipped out on me.

Your attitude speaks of 'you' what about what your husband wants? She is much his baby as it is yours. You can't make ALL The decisions for her, he gets to make them too.

Where I can see that you want the best for your daughter, your husband wants his parents to see her as much as possible whilst they are still alive. I imagine he flipped out in defense of his parents, or maybe he is getting annoyed at you making ALL the decisions? And its hard from his point of view to see that your choosing YOUR mother over his.

You have to compromise more, he is not happy with that compromise. I seriously suggest you go to counselling as soon as possible.

I can genuinley see both points of view here, yours and his, neither of you is 'wrong' I dont think your paranoid, maybe a little overprotective which is to be expected. But they way i see its probably 50/50 on why you can't agree and get on. Which is why counselling will be awesome.

Your mother is no more qualified than his mother.

This baby is no more your baby than his baby.

You have no more right to make these decisions than he does.

Your excuse about anxiety is not a reason to set yourself up as the sole decision maker.

I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Your position seems very arrogant and dismissive of your husband and his family.

And yes, I do think your position is wrong. Very wrong.

I don't think being 80 suddenly makes someone a bad mother. My husband's mother is also close to this age and she has done stuff that really drive me around the bend, but she is still my son's grandmother just as much as my mother is. If your baby does not know your husband's parent she most likely won't. He is right they will die before your parents. He wants HIS parents to know HIS child. That is not unreasonable after all. He feels they raised him so they are plenty good enough to babysit his child. I agree she is not just your daughter, she is also his daughter. I know it is scary to let other people babysit, really, I do. But this is just the first in a long line of "letting go" that you will have to do with your child. The more a child is loved and shown they have a family they are not hurt by it. So unless his mother is a child abuser I would let this go.

Your mother is no more qualified than his mother.

 

This baby is no more your baby than his baby.

 

You have no more right to make these decisions than he does.

 

Your excuse about anxiety is not a reason to set yourself up as the sole decision maker.

 

I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Your position seems very arrogant and dismissive of your husband and his family.

 

And yes, I do think your position is wrong. Very wrong.

So just because my husband thinks his mother is okay to watch our baby, even though she doesn't pay close attention, and just because I'M the only one with anxiety, I'm supposed to allow her to babysit?

Ok. So here are some more examples.

- she dropped my then six month old nephew while trying to juggle an armful of groceries AND him, and fell in her driveway.

- she fainted while holding my then newborn niece and they both crashed to the floor.

- Niece has fallen off the counter and kitchen table numerous times because mother in law was not paying attention.

- she once took my niece out shopping, then came home, pulled the car into the garage, and went in the house, leaving the baby in the car since she had fallen asleep. Then SHE fell asleep herself. My husband happened to drop by and entered through the garage, and saw his niece in the car.

I cannot help these things. I cannot excuse them just because she is my baby's grandma. My mom is MUCH more attentive - she used to run a daycare at which I worked. So yes, I do feel she is "more" qualified than my mother in law.

Selfish and paranoid, and not caring about my husband's wants? I don't believe my husband's wants are reasonable. He WANTS to make his parents feel useful and claims they will not have a quality relationship with our baby UNLESS they babysit her (and keep her overnight). I think he is more concerned with making them happy than with what is best for the baby - it doesn't have to be MY mom, but someone who will not make the mistakes I listed above.

Maybe all of this should have been discussed before marriage and a baby? So many people do this backwards, they get married and have the baby and they have discussed nothing about how they want their child raised.

You asked for brutal honesty, your getting it from people who have had children and who have faced the same problemss. being this stubborn will get you nowhere except maybe divorced if it carries on. I'd be hurt if i was him. Your basically saying 'you dont mind if your mother hurts our child' or 'your mother can't be trusted'

Its his family. You have to expect he's going to be hurt. Truth is you don't get the final say on everything, she is both your child.

I disagree with the other posters. I think your husband and his family are crowding you and not giving YOU a moment's peace with the baby. Everyone seems to want a piece of the baby which is leaving very little for you and your husband TOGETHER. What about alone time so you can bond with the baby. I think you have a right to spend time with the baby on your own without unannounced visits and fighting over who gets to hold the baby. It seems to me that there are too many people involved. The decision makers are you and your husband TOGETHER..not either of you making unilateral decisions. Your husband seems to be allowing his family carte blanche without conferring with you first...and that invades your privacy and your rights to have quality time with your baby without everyone else around. Is your husband domineering in other aspects of your relationship? Does he take your feelings into account? Both sets of grandparents need to bond with the baby...but there needs to be some order out of this total chaos and lack of communication. You and your husband need to sit down and set ground rules and compromises. Your husband doesn't sound like he wants to sit down and hammer this out...he just wants it his way. Equating counselling to having cancer is just preposterous and his way of completely stopping any talk of compromise. If you and your husband don't work as a unit making decisions together about who has time with the baby and when, then I suspect the parenting problems are going to get worse because it will be much more than about who gets to visit. There is a problem in how both of you relate to each other and compromise..that needs to be sorted. This baby is yours and his and it can't be down to only one side of the family spending more time with the baby.

Maybe all of this should have been discussed before marriage and a baby? So many people do this backwards, they get married and have the baby and they have discussed nothing about how they want their child raised.

Right. But what's done is done and I was looking for some answers on how to handle this mistake of being backwards. Get used to my husband refusing to even hear me out, or is this something that I have a right to not want to deal with?

**And I have TRIED to compromise, but he won't have it, which p***es me off and of course then I will sound more like I "don't care" about his wants.

I can honestly feel your frustration and i can understand your worries. Im just saying you have to accept shes as much his and part of his family as she is yours. Are you close to his parents at all?

Like I said I think he is also being unreasonable in some ways. You should literally say that you NEED this counselling because you are going crazy over being unable to resolve anything. He should be more supportive that counselling is what you need.

I'm on the OP's side. Sounds like the husband is an uncompromising know-it-all. When there are problems in a relationship and one partner suggests counseling and the other partner dismisses it, then the weight of all the faults of the relationship automatically lands on the dismissive partner, because they have elevated their opinion and stance as absolute, so much so that a third party mediator cannot possibly interject anything useful. To put it mildly, that's arrogant. To put it abrasively, that's a narcisist that will inevitably destroy the relationship.

And really, knowing nothing else at all about the problems in a relationship, just knowing that one person refuses to see a counselor/mediator when the other person desires it, is fully enough to place all the blame on that dismissive person. The details become irrelevant after that.

Thank you. My husband is like this in all aspects of our relationship. As I said, I have tried to talk about these concerns calmly and without insulting his parents. He refuses to hear me out. So it makes it hard for me to continue to see his point of view though I know she's also his baby. I guess that's why so many posters think I'm being a jerk? I kind of am, but I'm so tired of him not listening to me.

I think its unreasonable for anyone to expect the baby to be babysat by anyone this young. If the baby is less than two months old, I think that is fair enough reason for the parents not to want to leave the baby - maybe for an hour or two, but if you are breastfeeding, I would say no. Of course there are pumps and bottles - but the baby is so new and so is breastfeeding.

I do think the thing with the mom is a valid concern if kids get hurt.

I think that not having any alone time with your husband and baby was not right. I can understand the grandparents coming over but the whole extended family - no - or at least there should be time for them to come but you NEED time alone as a new family for sure, too.

I think someone coming over every single day is unreasonable. You need time to yourself - to get stuff done. I could see if they offered to come by for an hour to watch the baby so you can catch up on stuff around the house, but not parking themselves all day every day.

When I was home - and i am not a mom, but after a car accident , i felt like a captive for the amount of people that paraded through and just expected that they had the right to be there. I wanted my personal time to do things around the house, think, or just veg for a minute without anyone there.

I think that you are trying to set some boundaries but it just isn't working - there fore you are coming off as selfish to some, but when I was in home visitor situations, I would just say no hoping ONE thing would stick.

I do think the parents are trying for quantity over quality, iMHO

The thing is did you compromise with him before or after you insulted his mother's capabilities? I would not be so happy to compromise after I was told my mother was really bad at mothering.

Believe me I DO understand, my son is 14 so I have been dealing with my husband's parents who I disagree with intensely in a lot of cases about child care for 14 years. And yes sometimes my husband has been SUPER mad and why shouldn't he? His parents raised him and he is still living. ( I have been dealing with his parents who I feel are loopy for the last 23 years. Believe me I feel your pain) Fighting with your husband won't help this though.

Agreed.

Also , the risks of his mother looking after such a young baby, based on previous episodes, far outweigh any benefits. Yes some 80yrs olds would be okay - not many and certainly not her. It all needs to be communicated in a tactful manner which entails the husband being respectful of his wife's mothering instincts and communicating it to his mother.(respectfully)

And it is a fact that the risk of an accident/incident with her mother , while not impossible are considerably less.

From a clinical risk management point of view , it is not advisable even if op wanted it.

You as a mother have no more right to decide what is best for your baby than the baby's father. You are setting yourself up as the only parent who gets to make decisions. That is simply wrong and will cause untold damage to the relationship between your husband and his children and between you, your children and his family.

You are choosing to go to war over something where you are wrong.

If you push this to the point where he divorces you then you will get to decide everything for the child - when the child is with you. You will have little or no say when the child is with him.

You need to become a lot more mature over this issue than you are at the moment.