BF birthday this weekend, worried about pot smoking.

Hi everyone,

I'm back! I took a break from ENA for a while and I have come back to you in a much better place. Though, still needing your advice.

Here is the situation,

I have been dating a guy for a few months now. He has a lot of the qualities I look for in a person and I can see this relationship being long-term. There is just one problem, he smokes pot. Its not an everyday thing and he has never done it in front of me. To my knowledge he has only done it once since we have been dating. Usually, any drug use is a deal breaker for me. I think I have stuck it out these past few months in part because his smoking has never been right in front of me.

I really like him but this one thing keeps nagging at me. His birthday is this weekend and I'm fairly sure that pot (it told me there was a good chance there would be) will be at the party. I have no problem turning it down. What I'm worried about is him. I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend but I know that if he does smoke I will be extremely uncomfortable. He knows I don't smoke and has never offered/ask/pressured me to.

What should I do? I want to be honest with him about how I feel but I don't want to come accross as controlling either. For those of you who don't know my background, I had a close family member who was a drug addict so I am very sensitive to drug use.

We did discuss it a little tonight. We were talking on the phone joking around before hanging up for the night and he brought up something about smoking, I laughed and said "You know I'm not into that all. I don't do that." That when he told me there would most likely be pot at the party his friends are throwing him and they will probably offer it to me. I told him something like, "Fine, as long as I'm not pressured."

Any advice?

Hey Moon,

I don't have any advice. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with this. It actually made me feel far less weird to know that it's not "just me". I recently ended a relationship with someone I was *insane* about (and still am, if I'm honest) over drugs. Granted, he was on probation and there were other factors which made the drug use even more offensive but, still I was really deeply uncomfortable with pot in general and he kind of didn't give a sht. I just...don't dig people getting high around me and realized that it's actually a dealbreaker in a partner. Even casually.

Anyhow, I have no idea how to advise except...be honest. What works for you? What's okay? What's not? Things make you uncomfortable and/or feel crappy for a reason. Listen to your gut. It's only going to compound and get worse if you're not upfront. This much I know. Really look forward to what other people have to say. I'm bookmarking this thread.

Best of luck to you.

Hi mustard thank you for making me feel...not alone. Its great to have a response by someone who gets it. I am going to bring it up tomorrow when I see him. I just don't know how.

Square solidarity

How? Honestly and with as little baggage as possible. You deserve to be in a dynamic with someone who can hear you and at least listen. Put it out there, point blank in about 3-4 sentences and stress that you're not just out to piss on his parade. If he is worth even a remote gram of damn, he'll do everything in his power to make you feel safe and comfortable. Seriously.

The problem is bracing yourself to be okay with and remain eyes-wide-open about whatever he chooses to do. #thisisthepartiREALLYmissed

What about something like this:

"A, can I talk to you about something kind of serious? It’s about your birthday this weekend. I know that there will be pot there and I told you last night that as long as no one pressured me that I was cool. That is true, but there is another issue. I don’t want to be controlling I just want to be honest with you. Drug use has always made me really uncomfortable because of everything that happened with my family. Were you planning on smoking this weekend? (if he answers yes) I feel really uncomfortable about that."

personally...i think you can tell him how you feel about all of this without coming accross as controlling. the point isn't to change his behavior for him. it's to inform him of how you feel when he does it...and let him process that in the way that he will (whatever that means for him).

What about something like this:

 

"A, can I talk to you about something kind of serious? It’s about your birthday this weekend. I know that there will be pot there and I told you last night that as long as no one pressured me that I was cool. That is true, but there is another issue. I don’t want to be controlling I just want to be honest with you. Drug use has always made me really uncomfortable because of everything that happened with my family. Were you planning on smoking this weekend? (if he answers yes) I feel really uncomfortable about that."

i like that. i might add -- just to be crystal clear -- that you're not telling him so he'll change his behavior. you're only telling him so he knows how you feel about it...because it's not something you feel good sitting on. you know? people don't generally react well when they feel they're being told to change.

Square solidarity

 

How? Honestly and with as little baggage as possible. You deserve to be in a dynamic with someone who can hear you and at least listen. Put it out there, point blank in about 3-4 sentences and stress that you're not just out to piss on his parade. If he is worth even a remote gram of damn, he'll do everything in his power to make you feel safe and comfortable. Seriously.

 

The problem is bracing yourself to be okay with and remain eyes-wide-open about whatever he chooses to do. #thisisthepartiREALLYmissed

This is so true. I have thought about that. If he chooses to smoke then I will just have to be honest with him that its not something I can deal with. I still really like him as a person but its just not something I can't have in my life.

personally...i think you can tell him how you feel about all of this without coming accross as controlling. the point isn't to change his behavior for him. it's to inform him of how you feel when he does it...and let him process that in the way that he will (whatever that means for him).

 

 

 

i like that. i might add -- just to be crystal clear -- that you're not telling him so he'll change his behavior. you're only telling him so he knows how you feel about it...because it's not something you feel good sitting on. you know? people don't generally react well when they feel they're being told to change.

That's just it. I don't want to come accross like I'm asking him to change. I'm just worry I'll say the wrong thing/choose the wrong wording and that is how it will come accross.

That's just it. I don't want to come accross like I'm asking him to change. I'm just worry I'll say the wrong thing/choose the wrong wording and that is how it will come accross.

maybe you could mention exactly this. be really clear about your intention.

But, Moon, even if you are asking him to change...which, in a way you are...it's your prerogative to do so. Granted, it's equally his to say yes or no to the request.

It's so funny, I had *verbatim* these same discussions with myself in my situation. Not saying they're the same. But, really, word-for-word reenactment of my head earlier this year.

There is certainly a time and place to let things go, let him be himself and just roll with it for the sake of keeping the peace and being careful to mind his individualism...but this is a pretty efn big one and worth stating your ground over. You're worth someone adjusting on a recreational issue to make you feel at ease. Again, totally his call but you're on the side of common sense in making the request. Just keep that in mind.

I think if pot makes you extremely uncomfortable, you guys might not be compatible, I hate to say. personally, sitting in a pot smoke filled room is not something I would do for anybody. I leave the room/go home if that were in the mix. I honestly would not settle for "I won't smoke if it is passed to me" and I would drive seperately and leave if people light up. But that's just me. I wouldn't compromise on something that is a dealbreaker for good reason in the effort to be polite and accepting.

Hi abitbroken,

Thank you for your very honest words. I have been the same way all of my life. I am worried that we might not be compatible. I'll have to see how the discussion tomorrow goes. If things get to out of hand I will be leaving the party (and possible the relationship).

He has so many great qualities but I have never compromised on this before. I'll just have to see how things progress this weekend. That will tell me all I need to know I think.

A lot of folks posted since I started my reply and after reading them...i want to add...i don't think you should worry about coming accross any particular way. You are setting a boundary. You are uncomfortable with drugs. You don't want to be around them. So you are just being clear and not compromising. He is free to smoke pot, but if he is doing it, you won't be around. It is his choice to want to light up or not. And if he does, you will calmly and undramatically leave the situation as matter of factly as you can. No nagging, no further discussion to rehash things. He may not want to stop, so therefore does it when you are not around, or he realizes "hey, i need to grow up, pot is keeping me from things I want to do". It is not attempting to change him. He is given the choice on what to do. You either both can live with it, or you guys can't.

I like your way of thinking abitbroken. I am now wondering if I want to go to this party. I want to go on the off chance that drugs will not be there. I'll have to talk to him about this more and just make it clear that if I start to feel uncomfortable there is a good chance I will leave the party. I think that is reasonable.

Ok, so I am trying to plan the conversation out in my mind.

“A, I need to talk to you about something serious. It’s about your birthday party. After we got off the phone last night I did a lot of thinking. Because of everything that happened with my family I feel very uncomfortable about drug use. At your party, I just want you to know that if things get out of hand I am going to leave. I’m not asking you to do the same I just want you to know that. I also wanted to ask if you were planning on smoking? We need to talk about this. Drug use has always been a deal breaker for me. I feel very uncomfortable about it. I know that you are not an addict or anything like that. I’m not asking you to do or not do anything. I just think we really need to talk about it see where we are both at. It’s a big issue for me and I want to be open and honest with you.”

Hopefully from there we can have a very frank discussion. It will all depend on how he reacts.

Moontiger, please consider this. Most likely there is going to be pot at this party. Parties usually annoy neighbors and sometimes the neighbors get annoyed enough to call the cops. Sometimes the neighbors even smell the smoke of marijuanna and call the cops. In either event, it is not a good scenario for you to consider attending. Marijuanna use is illegal and you are standing a chance of being in a drug bust by your mere presence at this party. That is my immediate concern for you.

I divorced my first husband and one of the major reasons was is marijuanna use. So, you know just from that what I think about marijuanna use being a deal breaker. To me it would be a deal breaker....I just know too much about it to accept it in a relationship.

Hi Chitown,

You raise very valid concerns. There has been a small update on the situation. I just talked with a friend of mine (she introduced A and me). She has know him for five years and after I explained all my thoughts to her she said, that in the time she has known him he has only smoked pot a handful of time (some like less than twice a year) and there for it would not be hard for him to give up, he is the type of guy who will be listen and receptive to my concerns, and that I should just explain it to him the way I did to her, my brother had a problem so its not something that I can deal with in a relationship even casually.

I think what I will do is show up (we are getting there an hour after it actually starts because of his work schedule) if I feel like the situation is one that could lead to trouble, or that makes me uncomfortable I will just tell him that and that I would like to leave. I'm the one with the car so its not like I will be stranded.

hmm

initially I read this and thought, seriously? Being a previous pot-head (who now does not smoke at all) I didnt see the big deal. Then I started to relate it to a situation I just had a few weeks ago. The guy I am dating decided to use cocaine. Not a little, not a lot, but more than *I* thought was necessary. I simply said, "i'm not your mom, but i think you should slow down a bit." I told him the use didnt bother me, but that i noticed a perceivable difference in his personality, and that I wouldn't shun him, or * * * * * , but just wanted him to know how I felt.

Now, why are you so against pot and not alcohol? I think most people treat it like its not a big deal, because it isn't. I honestly would be more (and am) about alcohol.

I think a fair statement is any drug (alcohol and cigs included) is worrisome when it is *abused*

As stated in my opening post, I had a close family member who was a drug addict and so am very sensitive to this issue. Even if most people are fine when they do it I am not comfortable with it.

It would be like if someone had an hard core alcoholic in there family and choose not to be around alcohol. Even though most people are fine when they drink this person still would have been affected in such a way as to all ways feel uncomfortable around alcohol.

I just find it hard to believe that there is going to be weed at the party and not alcohol. It sounds like you are simply not compatible because of these beliefs. Imagine raising children, having friends over who wanted to roll a joint, being at a concert venues where people might engage in this type of recreational behavior.... now imagine each of your individual reactions and how they would affect one another.

This is why I have to speak with him. And yes, there will be alcohol at the party. This is not an issue for me but drugs are. For you alcohol is an issue and drugs are not. We differ in this view. Please respect that my background and childhood have been such that drugs are a problem for me. You don't have that same background which is fine. Please just respect that it is mine.

I am going to talk to him and if we can't work it out we will go out different ways

Well, if you feel safe about it, that is your call. However, if you walk in the door and get a whiff of the smell I would turn right around and walk out that same door.

Just noticed you are in Chicago. I was born in Chicago. (chitown) You are 3 hours ahead of California. Time to go to bed for me. We will continue this conversation.

P.S. Alcohol is legal and Pot is not. However, they both are mind altering and both can be a problem. That just goes without saying. Goodnight...

Night Chi!

I am going to make it clear to my BF (provided the conversation goes well) that I will be leaving the party if ANYTHING makes me uncomfortable.

I come from a family with a long history of addiction. Recently, someone very near to me went through an addiction crisis. helping them withdrawl was not fun. I was never addicted but have abused drugs myself. Don't assume that because I am more open to people and their decisions that I haven't experienced.

Alcohol is by far a more harmful substance, and for most people (myself included... and most pot smokers) would say that to judge pot this harshly, yet have no qualms about alcohol is a bit strange. Not disrespecting you, simply trying to get you to understand where these people will be coming from.

I come from a family with a long history of addiction. Recently, someone very near to me went through an addiction crisis. helping them withdrawl was not fun. I was never addicted but have abused drugs myself. Don't assume that because I am more open to people and their decisions that I haven't experienced.

 

Alcohol is by far a more harmful substance, and for most people (myself included... and most pot smokers) would say that to judge pot this harshly, yet have no qualms about alcohol is a bit strange.

I think this is nitpicking as to which is more harmful. Any substance is harmful in excess..even water. Anyway, that is getting off the track as to what the OP's thead is about. Her thread is entitled: "Boyfriend birthday this weekend, worried about pot smoking." So let's stick to the topic. I think she has found resolution to the issue in her last post. She said that she will leave if anything makes her uncomfortable.

Enough said.