husband's sister

me and husband recently got married, just over two months ago.

bought a house, moving in 3weeks hopefully. so currently living with mother-in-law and father-in-law.

my sister-in-law however (husband's sister) is constantly asking for her things done.

she is married, with a 6month baby now. in the past month, she's just constantly looking for empathy. my husband offered her private treatment for her son's eczema, which he was happy to pay for. he then gifted her a brand new TV for her birthday last week. her husband has just gone abroad to visit family. she's also going this wednesday..i came to stay at my parents one night..he rang me last night telling her was at hers helping her pack, and that she needs her visa done today..that she needs a bigger suitcase so he's going over today to help with 'round two of packing'...also, he's taking the day off on wednesday to take her to the airport. she also rang him last week to remind him to get her car service done.

a few weeks back, he told me he wanted to gift her £500 when she goes abroad as it will 'help towards her costs'

..she works, her husband works. she may not be rich, but she is doing okay. all i constantly hear is what she needs done, how she's in a bad way.

my husband has two brothers, an older one who is married and lives nearby. i dont see him running around after her. and a younger one, who is single living with the parents. again, don't see him taking the day off, and constantly running after her.

i did mention it to him a week back, that she's 34, a clever woman, she needs to look after herself. my husband replied 'shes not happy in her marriage..and when someone asks me for help, if someone is struggling i cant say no'

im really annoyed..we're newlyweds, we've just had our house gutted, plastered, paid for a big wedding..im budgeting on buying things for the house, meanwhile he seems to be running after his sister constantly.

what would u suggest i do in this situation, considering i mentioned to him today over text that he should finish his sister's stuff first, then let me know when he's free. he responded that he doesn't have any of his sister's stuff to do.

i feel like he doesn't understand where i am coming from. before i got married, i did certain things for my family..but when i got married, they respected that i need my own space now..i think it's intrusive of her to constantly ring and expect him to get things done for her.

upset..and confused about what to do.

Do yourself a favour - don't go to war over this.

i think it's sweet that he's doing all these things for his sister. the giving money might be one that would maybe upset me some, if you two have a lot of expenses with the new home. maybe that is something you can discuss - what is your 'gift giving budget' for the year?

i agree with DN

keep in mind she is his sister,she is going to stay his sister forever no matter what..you are his wife and you should respect that.,you can never win that war either way..she can only start hating you.You say she is in a bad marriage and all,,who will help her if not her brother or parents?

I think with a small baby and the husband out of the country, then it is great if you and he (together as a unit) could give her your time. But giving money regularly is intrusive on your marriage - it should be gifts that you both agree on, because you are now a combined financial unit.

Your husband is not used to being married yet - hopefully eventually he will put your marriage first, ahead of his family. He is simply operating like he did when he was single -

Sounds like she is going to be out of the country for an extended period of time, so hopefully this situation will not come up again for a while.

It might be a good idea for you and your husband to go to marital counseling - you could encourage him to go so you can both learn healthy skills so that your marriage will thrive! It is always a great idea to get marriages off to a great start...

Just an FYI -Some families equate money with love, and also they may be in a pattern of enabling each other in unhealthy lifestyles.

Can you give tangible examples of things you haven't been able to accomplish due to this? And at the end of the day, are those things (eg, making your house prettier) higher on the totem pole than the health and welfare of a relative?

no we've not spoken about that annie.

don't even mention it? is it not wrong for her to constantly leech on him? ...i don't want her to be involved but i'd like to tell husband to back off a little, let her be a bit independent..focus more on us.

i think my mother-in-law encourages it..poor **** , making him empathize more. i feel it's affecting us. she's constantly needing something done. she has a husband, a father, two other brothers!

was he like this when you were dating him/engaged to him? If so, why did you expect he would change overnight? He mentions that she is having marital problems, has a son with some developmental problems, he probably feels sorry for her. He feels like someone has to 'look out' for her. I agree with not going to war, because that isn't going to help. Instead, I would do subtle things overtime, the first one being on discussing the 500 pound gift. In that, not saying that he shouldn't do it, but bring up that now you are married and have joined finances, you need to discuss what are appropriate gifts to give, how much, how often, etc.... not just for him, but for you too - how much should you give each year in presents to your female friends, etc....

I agree that you need to find ways to be ok with this. What your husband is doing is quite nice when you think about it. You won't win that war and it will only go nuclear. Personally, I wouldn't even make issue of the money. You know he likes to come to people's aid. This is a part of who he is - for emphasis - a big part of the man you love - and that costs money. Put aside a budget of (whatever) per year and that can be his gifting budget.

Find ways to accept and come to peace with it. Be glad his "habit" is helping family and not gambling or something. I think your issue is a budgeting one.

Do yourself a favour - don't go to war over this.

I agree with DN on this one. Difficult as this is, you need to try to find a middle ground before this escalates into a family war, which is a place you want to avoid at all costs.

There is also a borderline between helping out family and being used by family. I would talk to him about it in a non-argumentative non-judgmental way.