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Boyfriend says he likes me a lot romantically...but is not in love with me.


retrochick

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Hi everyone,

 

My name is Erin and I'm a 24 year old from Australia.

My boyfriend and I have been officially seeing eachother since about July last year. We have known eachother since March 2011 though.

2011 was not an easy year for me, there were plenty of ups and downs- but heaps of downs. My boyfriend stood by me through most of these times- but he seemed to pay the cost when helping me through my downs, getting frustrated and pained by moods and situations. I know these times wore him down and pushed him away from me- he has said this himself.

 

To cut to the chase, today I asked him whether he was in love with me. I know I'm in love with him, I can feel it. I've felt it all along. He said no, that he wasn't (not in that blunt a tone) but said he likes me a lot romantically. He also said that he believes in the possibility that he can and will fall in love with me.

However, I've felt devastated by what he said. He shows definite signs that he could be in love- we spend a lot of time together, have a lot of fun, he visits, we give eachother little gifts...it goes on.

 

Yet, he said this. In a way I don't feel surprised, I mean, he kind of acts in a way that isn't the definition of someone in love. I can tell he cares and likes me a lot. But I can see his restraint and wariness. I don't hold on any blame toward him, I know I've been frustrating at times, I'm trying to get sorted though.

 

My questions are the following: Can a person fall in love later in a relationship? Is it too late for him to fall in love with me?

I feel corny writing such things. I just find it hard to imagine that a person can fall in love later on in a relationship...I feel these things normally happen in the beginning. I've spoken to friends and they feel it's still possible....but I don't know.

 

Any feed back would be wonderful.

 

Thanks,

 

Erin

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What was your motive for asking him the question? Clearly he seems to care about you and is with you... anyways - who knows what 'in love' stands for? If you are concerned he may not continue to pursue the relationship seriously (which doesn't look like is the case), then it is a conversation worth having. Also, for some people, commitment builds over time (I am one of them .... notice I said commitment not love) and for some people that also means love (although I am not one of them).

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It's only been six months. I don't think it's an absolute that a person would feel love in that amount of time. I do think that feelings change all the time, and there is often a lot of push and pull, and shifts in a relationship, so perhaps you want to continue dating and see how it goes.

 

I find it interesting that you asked him if he loves you, rather than just telling him you love him. Keep in mind that there's no shame in feeling love for someone, regardless of whether he's in the same headspace as you. Try not to get immersed in a power struggle, i.e., start worrying about who holds the card in the relationship. It shouldn't matter. Just enjoy yourself and take it for what it is for now, and perhaps reevaluate down the road.

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Hi wlh22

 

Thanks for being so prompt in responding.

I asked him because I felt like lately I've been doing all the legwork in our relationship-organising dates, seeing him, phoning, texting...you name it. I was thinking about it today and I can only make this analogy: it's like I've got the demo version of a boyfriend that there could be more to it if I had the real deal, if he wasn't so hesistant around me. He's great at doing all the skeletal parts of the relationship...but I can clearly see his heart is not in it. That's what bothers me and made me ask.

 

I like how you had definitions- and said commitment instead of in love. I think that is an excellent way of putting it. However, what is commitment without enjoying the other person fully? You know, getting tingly feelings or for me, getting excited when I hear my gate open.

I don't think he feels any of these things and it makes me feel really sad.

 

That's all.

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Thanks bulletproof for your reply also.

I'm too scared to tell him I love him, especially now, I've been dying to in the past but I've been scared of his reaction. I was speaking to one of our mutual friends earlier (who has known my boyfriend for a good number of years) and she said that she doesn't think that my boyfriend has said he's ever been in love. So maybe he's scared of getting hurt again- as that has happened to him. I don't know. It's hard to say.

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Is there a change of situation in his or your (as a couple) life? such as ... him having a bad boss, recent financial issue or parental/family issue etc.? Maybe there is something else going on in his life which is causing him to pull away... If nothing, then I think it is fair to ask that question and expect him to be fully available too... however, in my experience sometimes it's about needing a little bit of a breather... and at such moments communication is key... expecting him to 'hear' your inner feelings is not the best solution. I think you are doing the right thing by not being overtly reactive etc. but are still putting your concerns out there. I can understand your feelings...

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Don't tell him you love him if it makes you uncomfortable. But it's okay to have the feeling, and enjoy that feeling. Nothing has really changed in your relationship. You just have new information. However, this information doesn't have to affect how you feel, how you treat him, and your happiness, necessarily.

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Also, I really like BulletProof's comment "I find it interesting that you asked him if he loves you, rather than just telling him you love him. Keep in mind that there's no shame in feeling love for someone, regardless of whether he's in the same headspace as you. Try not to get immersed in a power struggle, i.e., start worrying about who holds the card in the relationship. It shouldn't matter. Just enjoy yourself and take it for what it is for now, and perhaps reevaluate down the road. "

 

And that's exactly why I asked you what your motive of asking him was...

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Okay... maybe I misread before... but you haven't told him if you love him , but you asked him? for me that is a bit weird... I would feel put under a knife in some sense... if my partner told me she loves me and then asked if I did, it would be a whole different situation ....

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I define being in love as "Not wanting to lose that person from my life." But so many people think that being in love with someone is all about feeling butterflies, and having sexual chemistry.

 

You can fall in love later in the relationship, although again, I think people more relate in love to that infatuation feeling.

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Is there a change of situation in his or your (as a couple) life? such as ... him having a bad boss, recent financial issue or parental/family issue etc.? Maybe there is something else going on in his life which is causing him to pull away... If nothing, then I think it is fair to ask that question and expect him to be fully available too... however, in my experience sometimes it's about needing a little bit of a breather... and at such moments communication is key... expecting him to 'hear' your inner feelings is not the best solution. I think you are doing the right thing by not being overtly reactive etc. but are still putting your concerns out there. I can understand your feelings...

 

He's been having a tough time recently, he feels like at loss due to lack of direction in his life. He isn't sure what he wants to do career wise. He doesn't and won't for the most part talk about his problems. He just keeps them to himself.

 

I just don't want to feel like I've mucked things up for us, that's all- that's how I'm feeling at the moment. I know I need to get more confident and less dependent on him.

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I suppose I need to clear up what I meant. I see 'in love' and 'love' as two different things. I understand that he might love me yet- that can take time, I believe in that. However, I kind of feel like he should be 'in love', meaning, he's excited to see me, wanting to do new things...like I am with him. I really enjoy him and I don't feel like he's the same with me. I feel both he and I are missing out.

What I said to him, asking whether he was in love with me, wasn't out of the blue, there was a whole conversation context before that with him.

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I also agree with your definition Keyman. Yet, I also feel that a relationship needs that bubbly feeling that people tend to get at the beginning of one in order for the relationship to work. I had that, he didn't. I feel like he didn't because there were so many negative interuptions and he became too hesistant to fall in love.

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I went out with someone once after being dumped, now I can see it was a rebound. He was in love with me but I didn't feel it. He'd ask and I'd be honest and tell him I wasn't in love. I thought I might grow to love him and through the years I thought I did. But it was more like being used to him. It didn't end well, I have no feelings for him whatsoever and have never once regretted leaving. Just wish I was honest to myself earlier.

 

So IMO, no, you can't grow to love someone.

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Hey I could be wrong! Maybe other people might have more positive stories. I'm kind of an all or nothing, I get out of relationships if I don't sense they're 'feeling' it and I get out early if I have doubts. Just in this case I knew (from being in love before) that what we had wasn't 'it'. It's my bad that so many people were against us that I dug my heels in and didn't listen.

 

As for your guy, has he ever been in love or infatuation? Maybe he's just cautious. Interesting poit about not saying it first. Maybe he's scared? But from the way you described leading the relationship as to dates, calls etc, maybe he wouldn't bother if you didn't? It might not seem like it now but you WILL fall in love and have it 100% reciprocated one day. I promise you that x

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Sorry, I didn't mean to come accross as rude with that last post or anything like that.

 

I admire that you have the strength and confidence to decide when a relationship is or is not for you- I'd love to have such a quality. I tend to dabble in what is there and get far too attached and sentimental about things.

 

He's only had short term relationships before me. I spoke to one of his good friends (well, our mutual friend) today and she said that she hadn't heard him ever say he's been in love. He's been burnt pretty bad too. He'd never tell me that though, he tends to be a big manly man about it all.

 

It's hard to say at the moment whether he'd organise things...I'm sure he would in a way. He does do lots of little things for me still, like randomly visit and stuff. I don't think he'd give up totally. Just lately though I'd have my doubts. He rarely messages or calls now unless I do first. This worries me a lot. I don't know, I don't know if it's just a matter of where he's at at the moment or something else.

 

Thanks again.

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If you're the one doing all the work, and the state of his mind as expressed by him makes you sad, maybe you should have a break from him and see what happens. It might make his feelings stronger, which would be good, or he might find that he doesn't miss you much, in which case that would also be good to find out. If it were me, and I was in love with someone who had expressed that he didn't feel that way towards me, I wouldn't be able to 'enjoy' the relationship. I would rather leave and get over the person. But that's just me.

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If you're the one doing all the work, and the state of his mind as expressed by him makes you sad, maybe you should have a break from him and see what happens. It might make his feelings stronger, which would be good, or he might find that he doesn't miss you much, in which case that would also be good to find out. If it were me, and I was in love with someone who had expressed that he didn't feel that way towards me, I wouldn't be able to 'enjoy' the relationship. I would rather leave and get over the person. But that's just me.

 

 

I agree with is. I would be insulted in a way and move on. Besides lukewarm people never warm up.

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I'm in this current situation. I met my bf after he got out of a 9 year relationship (his ex cheated) and on our one year anniversary I told him I loved him. I knew he wouldn't say it back, but he shows it in everyway except the words. I know he's hurt and has a wall up and it hurts me, but it's up to you to decide if he's worth staying for. To me, I enjoy loving him, something I feel and act everyday with him and while I wish he would tell me one day, I can't force something like that. He told me that he said that he sees our love growing with time and I know couples who have gone maybe even 2 years or more and not heard those words. Although I think it seems like 4-6 months seems to be the norm? Either way, it depends on how you FEEL with this. When I think about my situation, it makes me sad but I look at the things he does (he's not perfect of course) but he does it without the words. WHEN will he love me? WILL he love me? These are questions in the back of my mind all the time, I have no idea how serious our relationship is or will become but in the meantime we enjoy each other and have romantic feelings for each other, but to him, he doesn't throw around the word love to anyone. I don't regret telling my bf I love him, I actually felt relieved. Perhaps in a few months or another year I may decide that if this really isn't going anywhere then I may decide to leave as hard as it is.

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Thanks offplanet and SarahRose for your comments too. I've since spoken to him about what's on his mind and feel a lot better about things. I'm just going to see how things go for now.

 

LSgirl, thanks for writing a comment that I could really relate to. For the most part, I really do enjoy loving him and I know that he still does like me- so I can see your point. I also ask myself the same questions as you- but for now I'm happy to wait things out. We're still very close as a couple.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow-I needed to read this thread right now. My bf I'd been seeing for 6 months broke up with me 2 days ago, saying "the feelings weren't there." It's crazy confusing for me, because 3 weeks ago, he said he was "falling in love with me". He did things that seemed to indicate he loved me. I wrote him a love letter, and that seemed to trigger this. I'm doing ok but still kind of confused. I may need to start my own thread.

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