Do Men Resent Women Who Don't Work & Stay At Home?

I think the stay at home mom thing can be pulled off to a certain extent. What I mean is this: Wife quits her job to take care of 2 kids. Stays at home for the rest of her life.

Okay, while I understand 2 children are a big responsiblity especially in the early years, once they turn a certain age, I think it's possible to have a job, at least a part-time job.

Husbands who support their wives, do you sometimes regret your wife not having a job?

My wife stays home with our 3 year old and 18 months old. When I'm with them all day long both days on the weekend it's completely exhausting and I've done many types of jobs including hard manual labor and nothing compares to watching kids all day. So I don't resent her or the situation at all right now - I thankful she can do it.

Once they're in school, it's a completely different story. If we expect to help our kids out with college, we'll need additional income and she knows that so I would expect that if she doesn't get at least a part time job then that in a way she's neglecting our kids which I'd be extremely upset about.

I think it's shear laziness. I've been a single parent for 18 years now. It doesn't take that much time to manage kids and housework once they are in school full time. I can understand totally staying at home with them before that but once you're kids are in school, it's time to go out there and get a job.

I would not be with a woman who didn't want to work.

I couldn't not work. I'd be bored out of my mind. I think women who stay home with their kids are admirable but I know from others' experience that it is draining and they crave adult time often. That's not to say it's not rewarding though.

I think if the couple has very similar views on family then it can work. But not if they don't heavily discuss it beforehand.

My mother has been a stay-at-home mother since my sister and I were born. We left home for school at 16 and 17 and haven't returned (except during college for times during the summer). My mother has not gone back to work - she's talked about it, but she's been out of the job market for a very long time and is quite "old" for someone seeking employment (almost 60). Actually my father thinks it's silly for her to even talk about getting a job. I've never asked him if he resents her for not working, and wouldn't, but they appear to be happily married (33 years). I've never seen or heard them fight about my mother not working, nor heard my father allude to it in a negative way. They made the decision for my mother to stay at home together - my father has always worked very long hours and traveled frequently for business. My father's parents chose not to raise him, and he was raised by his grandparents instead, and I do think he in part was very much in favor of our mother spending a lot of time with us because his mother was basically completely absent from his childhood.

I would think that some men would resent their wives for being a stay at home mother. I would think it would depend whether the guy wanted his partner to stay home or whether the partner solely made the decision.

My mother has been a stay-at-home mother since my sister and I were born. We left home for school at 16 and 17 and haven't returned (except during college for times during the summer). My mother has not gone back to work - she's talked about it, but she's been out of the job market for a very long time and is quite "old" for someone seeking employment (almost 60). Actually my father thinks it's silly for her to even talk about getting a job. I've never asked him if he resents her for not working, and wouldn't, but they appear to be happily married (33 years). They made the decision for my mother to stay at home together - my father has always worked very long hours and traveled frequently for business.

My mother did the same thing but I think they were very different times back then. Nowadays I think that for most families, it takes two working to really make a go of it. And even if you are financially well off enough that your wife doesn't have to work, I'd expect her to at the very least do volunteer work of some kind once the kids were in school. I couldn't respect anyoone who didn't want to contribute to society in any way.

Surely you went to school before you were 16, even if it wasn't to go live there. If your kids are out of the house from like 8 am to 2 or 3pm (regular public school hours where I live) then that's a great opportunity to be working part time - you can't spend that time with the kids because they aren't at home. If your father worked such long hours that your mom had to do all of the housework and yardwork then I can see not having a job. But I think nowadays, men and women being equal, men and women are expected to share responsibilities for cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking out the garbage, cutting the grass, etc. I do all of that stuff as much or more than my wife and I work full time and commute an hour each way. If I didn't do my share, then I suppose I wouldn't mind her not working as she'd basically still be working as our personal cook, gardener, and shopper.

And like Escoar said, I think times are different financially. I went to college and have what many think is a pretty decent paying job at 135k a year, but where we live, we're still paycheck to paycheck on that. We really need two incomes to be above poverty level in the Bay Area.

I respect women who choose to stay at home with their children. If they can afford to not work and stay at home with their kids, and their husband supports them, why not?

People are also assuming that stay at home mothers CHOOSE to stay at home. Some professions are hard to go back to or get part-time hours in. I'm a teacher, and I know that after I take maternity leave it is going to be very hard to go back to my job full-time because it is SUCH a demanding job (not to mention I'll probably have to be 're-trained' as the values and techniques in my profession are constantly changing). There is no way I could be a full-time primary school teacher AND put my full efforts into looking after my own children. If I can find a part-time teaching job, that would be great because I could balance work and caring for children. But if not...?

I think it also depends on the family. What if you have a child with a disability who requires a lot more work? What if mum suffered health issues following the birth? What if mum makes more money than dad and HAS to go back to work so that the family can survive financially? What if they are comfortable off dad's paycheck's and mum working isn't a necessity? It depends on the situation. And like I said, not all mothers CHOOSE to stay at home - finding work in particular fields after having children and taking maternity leave can be difficult.

I guess some men do.

To answer the OP's question:

In general, no, I don't. I resent lazy women that use their kids as an excuse not to work. Those are the types that are like Peg Bundy, sitting on the sofa all day eating bon bons, and letting everything fall apart around them. But there are plenty of hard working stay-at-home moms and I have a lot of respect for them.

You make some valid points. I think what people find objectionable in this day and age are women or men, who chose to stay at home when there is no real need and use the full time Mom line as an excuse.

I was a single parent and I can say without any hesitation that once the kids were in school full time, there wasn't enough work to do at home that would have required my full time attention. And no, my kids didn't grow up unloved or neglected and they've gone on to university and careers.

I think that even if you do have the luxury of being able to afford to stay home full time it's a copout once they are in school. You have time to volunteer or make some kind of contribution to society at that stage and really should.

I wonder if they resented their mothers though if their mother stayed home.

I wonder if they resented their mothers though if their mother stayed home.

I know what you are getting at but kids, as long as they know they are loved and have structure in their life, aren't really missing out if their parents aren't around for the couple of hours between the time they get off school and the time their parents come home.

My husband wouldn't resent me but he is of the mind set staying in touch with the outside adult world is important, and I agree. Some women can stay at home forever and be happy and content, I could not be one of them. I'd go nuts. I may not go back full time (depends how we are financially) but I would always work at leat part time.

What is best though is up to the family in question. No one's solutions really works the best for someone else.

I think it really depends on the couple. I know a couple where she sort of works some part time jobs at a store or some other low level job and they have no children yet and her husband is content with that as he likes to feel in charge taking care of his wife.

Here people get money from the government for each baby they have so it is not unusual to see families with 5 or more children. I have relatives with 7 children! It would be far too expensive to put many children into day care so she stays home. They live in a nice house and do well it seems thanks to all the money from the government.

I see a lot of stay at home moms hang on facebook day and night playing farmville. I don't know how they are able to take care of their families when they are on the computer all day.

Generally I don't think many men mind the women staying home because they are taking care of the children and cooking and cleaning and running all the errands so pretty much all he has to do is go to work and come home and maybe cut the grass and take out the trash once a week.

I have to say that these two replies to my post really bug me.

I was just sharing my parents' decision/experience, to say that I know at least one couple (my parents) where the woman has stayed at home, and the husband has not ostensibly resented it nor minded, and they have managed to remain (so far) happily married. I'm not making any sort of argument for how people should lead their lives, not spreading the gospel that women should stay at home (or not).

It's quite funny to me that there should be these replies stating that it can't work or isn't a viable/reasonable arrangement, and I find it pretty offensive to read suggestions that my mother wasn't making any contribution to society. Surely working for pay is not what decides whether or not someone is contributing to society (for that matter, I can think of plenty of jobs which I don't think contribute ANYTHING to society, and plenty which I think take away from the good/welfare of society).

By the way, I'm not talking about a different day and age - my sister and I both graduated from college in the past 3 years.

I have a number of colleagues whose wives stay at home (and at least one whose husband stays at home). My aunt owns her own business, and my uncle is basically a full-time dad (he helps out a little bit with the business). For all of these families, it seems to be working financially, and they seem perfectly content (though of course I'm not privy to their deepest darkest thoughts and confidences). I find it sad that some people feel the need to denigrate arrangements that have been made willingly by two partners, and that work for them and their family.

I agree Sophie. I feel mothers who stay at home have paid a BIG contribution to society. They have helped to send off into the world well balanced and loving people. The fact that people think they would have turned out this way if their mom and dad came home from work at 8 PM is irrelevant. I don't think someone who stays home has contributed nothing to society and I also think people have a lot of judgments on how other people should live their lives and what worked for them should work for everyone.

My husbands mom has always been a stay at home mom for the most part. His dad was in the navy and away a lot so she took care of house and kids. She would sometimes have part time job when he was home. Now my husband and his sister are adults and married, and his dad is retired but has a civilian job. They aren't wealthy but comfortable. But my husbands mom really does sit around yhe house a lot. Half the time she doesn't even really keep up with the dog or the house. The other day when we went over, she was wearing a mumuu and smelled like BO...I don't know if she's depressed or what but that is the type of woman I'd resent if she were my wife. The house isn't always the cleanest and she smokes cigarettes all the time inside...I'd have a hard time respecting and not resenting my wife if that were the case. I can tell his dad loves her but it bugs him.

She could have resented his dad though for being away all the time. Women could resent a man who is never around to help because he is never at home. It could be seen both ways.

I am not saying that people should get away with being lazy as in not doing their job. If you are at home, do the work. If you are at work do the work.

Instead of resenting marry someone who's views you appreciate in the first place. Discuss all this BEFORE you get married.

In order for many SAHMs to be SAHMs the father has to work - I find if a woman resents a man for being away and working so she can do what she wants a bit double standard in a way.

If you guys were in school for 6+ hours a day and your father did half of the housework and she wasn't working for pay or volunteering unpaid, then I think that's less of a contribution than she could have been making. All of those conditions were mentioned in both of our posts. I think you said your dad was away a lot, which I'm sure put more than 50% of the housework load on your mom. In that case, I think that's totally fair - he'd have to hire a maid and a cook otherwise to do all the things that need to get done when he's not there. Neither of us said anything about staying home being bad or not working for people - it works in my own house, but my kids are also too young to be in school so they are a full time job for my wife. It's only when the kids aren't there to require any work, and the spouse has done their 50% of the housework that I think means it time to either do unpaid volunteering or work. Otherwise, it just seems unfair to the spouse who is working full time and doing half of the housework.

I'd like to be able to be the one to stay home instead of my wife and she'd like that too, but unfortunately she's not in a position to earn enough to support us, so I'm forced to be the one working. We both agree staying at home all day with the kids is harder than any job either of us has ever done before. But once they're in school, you get back 6 hours each day, only fair to spend it working on something, paid or unpaid, like the other spouse is.

It's all about the kids being in school.

Who said she was doing what she wanted? Who even said all stay at home moms even want to be at home? They are not all doing what they want to, some do it because daycare is outrageously expensive. When I checked out daycare to go back to work they wanted $900 a month for a young infant and that was IF you could get a place. If you have more than one child you are working just to put your kids in daycare.

hahaha sounds like my husband except not wearing a mumu as far as I know.