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Thread: Mother/Daughter Conflict. My daughter treats me really horribly!

  1. #1
    mooonflower

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    Question Mother/Daughter Conflict. My daughter treats me really horribly!

    Just not sure what to do anymore... don't have a mother to ask of my own, so I'm asking here. What do you do with a daughter that treats you with so little respect, has no consideration of boundaries, swears at you, rages at you, is just plain nasty at you and throws deliberate, nasty comments at you, is ungrateful to all you do, uses you and then acts like you are the enemy. I have tried everything. The emotional outburst from her, even for just a few moments when she is around me is horrifying. So is her defensiveness. It seems all things that are wrong in her life are projected at me, onto me, or just plain acts like she hates me. Our relationship is barely hanging by a thread. She sees NOTHING of what she does or how she treats me, though others do. They only see her "nice" or "sweet" side. She is an adult so little in the way that I can do. Just don't know what to do anymore.... I just know I don't deserve how she treats me and it's just one more thing.

    She is 20, lives on her own with her bf and 1 year old from getting pregnant at age 19. She is never, ever wrong. Is verbally and emotionally abusive and has no regard for boundaries. She has rages and rages often at me. I know that her behavior has almost made her and her bf break up several times. But where she doesn't want to lose HIM, she has no problem walking away from ME and not caring how she makes ME feel!!!!

    She wrote this on my facebook wall, right after a friend of hers died recently. I thought perhaps this loss might teach her how short life is and that she might come to see how she has been acting with me and appreciate me and me in her life. "I don't think that I tell you this enough but I love you. I am so glad that you have been with me through all of my trials to help me along and I love you very much."-- But no.... even after I watched her son, my grandson, for two days and even had him spend the night so that she could grieve and not have to worry about a 1 year old running around etc. Not only did I really get any thank you for that, but instead got yelled at after the luncheon that day, with her doing her normal storming off and not having anything to do with me crap! She literally treats me like * * * * . And no matter how many boundaries I try to establish with her, she just bulldozes right over them. I don't know WHAT to do at this point other then just not be in her life anymore, which would then mean, not having my grandson either.

    My middle daughter says that her sister treats me like her emotional punching bag.

    Has anyone else had anything similar to this? What do I do? I am so frustrated. I am presently trying to get all toxic people out of my life, but she feels like SHE is one of them.

    She has NO compassion for me anymore. She is cold, heartless, unempathetic and has no real feelings with me. Nothing good anyone. We haven't shared really good feelings together since my husband (her step father) left me. I feel like I am going through de ja vue all over again. This will be my second divorce. (My husband abandoned me 7 months after he married me, I have been seriously ill and he decided he didn't want to deal with it anymore)- in some sort of twisted way--- my daughter seems to be taking this all out on ME. Her real father abandoned her and really has had nothing to do with her at all. She came to live with me when he didn't want to deal with her. (He had the girls for a couple of years after our divorce while I finished school) But she ended up coming to live with me and it was just her and I. I have been with her every step of the way, while HE was NOT and caused her a great deal of pain. Then this other guy came along and it turns out that he is a complete Narcissist. I didn't know this when I got married to him or even what THAT WAS! So between my illness, the fact that my husband that I married after five years together, left me just 7 months later, and then to have my daughter treat me so badly, I am at my emotional end of my rope. I really am. I just can hardly deal with her anymore.

    What should I do? I mean really? What do I do?

  2. #2
    metrogirl
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    Is it possible that her step father did something to her that you don't know? Sometimes children lash out at a parent because they blame them for not knowing the other parent hurt them?

  3. #3
    bulletproof
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    It sounds like your daughter's upbringing was very challenging. To be abandoned by her father and then shifted around between parents, then have another man brought into the house, etc. Has she ever told you how she feels about her life growing up? Perhaps she is still very resentful.

    However, she is an adult now and cannot blame her childhood forever, if that is in fact what's fueling her rage towards you. How do you react when she is angry with you? Have you suggested the two of you see a counselor so there's some mediation? Either way, you have a choice as to whether to react/engage with her when she's being unreasonable. If it means that you only see your grandson (and not your daughter), then so be it.

  4. #4
    Elsagivingup

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    Totally understand what your saying here. My daughter is 25 has 2 children and is hateful to me. I don't get the swearing but I do feel like the child in my own world. She knows everything and can't be told nothing. She is thee most selfish person I have ever met showing no compassion for others and when challenged on her opinions (not by me I hasten to add), is totally argumentative, bashing others over the head with her black and white view of the world.

    I have no clue where she gets this from as its not from me but god forbid if I raise my head.

    I leave her to it I would say 99% of the time and I don't say I told you so when going it her way goes badly wrong but she never learns .. There is always a get out, it's always someone else's fault. Never her own.

    I am there for her and her family 110% and when it benefits her she is nice as pie. Other than that I feel like a kicking board for her sulky sullen moods and selfishness.

    Can I have a conversation with her about this? No way because it will all be my fault. She won't accept she is behaving badly and I don't want the ear bashing

    Love her to bits but I just feel like 2 magnets forcing themselves apart ...

    Good luck x

  5. #5
    Peanut1980

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    My heart goes out to you. We beat ourselves up trying to figure out what We did wrong. I pray everyday that things will change. I to have a daughter that treats me horrible. I thought I was the only person who was dealing with this situation. I feel ur pain. It breaks my heart that the children we gave birth to could be so horrible.

  6. #6
    melancholy123
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    My DD is now 33, from the time she was about 12 to age 22 or so she was awful to be around. She moved out at 17 and came back twice then the 3rd time she didnt come back, tho she lived with friends nearby and did go to school and graduate. She knew everything, we knew nothing, we were just her terrible nasty parents out to make her life hard. That's so not true. We didnt have a lot of rules, just the basic common sense ones, she wasn't hard done by, she had her figure skating lessons for a good 10 years, that I took her to and watched her skate each time. It's not like she was abused or neglected in any way. My son, her brother, is almost 5 yrs younger and he saw how she acted and he didnt like the way she treated any of us. He promised me he would never be like her (when he was just 12!) and at 28 he sure is not like her. She had a massive chip on her shoulder and we never could figure out why.

    We tried doctors, school guidance counsellors etc., all the resources I could find and nobody was able to help her or us. She truly had a tough time on her own as she was not mature enough to be on her own and we chose to be there if she needed us but we did not interfere in any way, it seemed leaving her to her own devices was the best way to do it.

    Around 23 she seemed to have worked thru her issues and anger and she started coming over more often and actually talking to us. We dont talk about whatever was bothering her back then as it seems to be a forbidden topic. I have learned to let that go and focus on the present. She married a nice guy and has two little girls. She's actually quite pleasant to be around now.

    Hopefully your girl will grow up and smarten up and mature and get past whatever is causing her angst. It's really hard when you dont know what the problem is and you can't talk about it with her. I wish you luck. I never thought my DD would evolve into a nice person but she did.

  7. #7
    aliceunderice
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    You should read "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" George Simon about aggressive characters and manipulators. There's some good tips in that book on how you can deal with them and lots of vignettes. Some of them remind me of your post, so wondering if that book, and the guy's blogs online could be good for you to have a look at.

  8. #8
    agent
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    thread is 3 years old. closed.

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